Yes I was addicted to porn for many years. I told my wife approximately two months ago. I have been PMO free for last 60 days or so, and I'm going for 90 or 180. I used to view women as objects and could never really appreciate the true beauty of a woman because I was never really looking at them. I have really been working over the last two months to change all of that and my wife has noticed the difference. I told her the other day that Everytime I look at her it feels like I'm seeing her for the first time. Now the point of my message. My wife and I are in bed this morning and I'm giving her a back massage while she is laying on her stomach. I look down and see my wife's booty giggling around and get aroused. This pisses her off. Wife says I might as well have been watching porn. I say but it's not porn you are here and are not pixels on a screen. She says no your just in denial and can't see that you were treating me like an object. Ok so now being turned on by my wife's booty makes her an object. What?? I'm giving you a back massage and we're snuggling in bed. I'm sorry but I will not apologise for being a man. Any thoughts?
She is healing as you are but as hard as it is, it's usually not a matching timeline. Patience and understanding on both parts. Discuss it while calm and not upset, keep that openness there always.
I don't think you don't need to apologize for being a man, nor do I think you have to apologize for being turned on by your wife. What you could do, however, is apologize for your past behaviors that have hurt her and caused her to be triggered by certain situations. As @Freddiefox said, talk to her about it when calm, and don't get defensive about it because, if you do, it'll only reinforce to her that you were in your old way of thinking.
We can't know all of the context and specifics with your limited account of what happened. If her mind was on other things, if you were having a conversation about something, or if she was just enjoying the comfort and loving touch, then to redirect things to a sexual situation abruptly and without checking she is on the same page, might be interpreted badly. Your D day was only two months ago, too. There are likely still a lot of negative associations and triggers that will remind her of your P habits. Being aroused by her is not problematic, but if she is enjoying what is, in her mind, a relaxing non-sexual massage and then to go straight for her bottom and make it jiggle, for your own enjoyment, she may be frustrated that what she thought was a nice gesture for her turned out to be a way of seeking your own sexual fulfilment without much consideration for her own state of mind. (The very fact that she got annoyed and upset is evidence that she was not in a place to be getting so sexual so soon). Also, 'getting aroused' can mean a lot of things. If she noticed you getting hard while you continued to massage her in the way she was enjoying, this is very different to whipping it out or propositioning for sex all of a sudden. The important thing is not who was in the right or wrong on that particular occasion, but that you make sure to cater to your wife's feelings and ensure that she does not feel objectified. My guess is that she felt that the interest and attention you were showing to her body and the prospect of sex was too much of an emphasis, and that her own state of mind, preferences and personality took a back seat for a moment. If she felt objectified, then you need to accept that the particular sequence of events that happened there felt like objectification. This does not mean that your enthusiasm for your wife's behind will always be interpreted that way, you just need to be sure to express it in a sensitive and caring way, that she will respond to more positively. I will also say that it will take a lot more than a couple of months for her to stop being touchy about your PMO behaviour. A question: why limit your reboot to 180 days? Why would that ever be a good idea? Are you really planning to reintroduce P after that period? Is your wife aware of that? Your sex life will better if you resolve to remove porn from your life forever, and if your wife knows about this. It is wholly possible that the whole bum thing did not annoy her exactly for what it was, but because it reminded her of your porn use and made her relive the pain of thinking of all of the years of betrayal (most women find porn use to be a betrayal, and you won't find them apologising for being a woman in holding that belief), and also making her feel as though she is playing the role of masturbatory stimulus in place of the porn you are giving up. Being reduced to porn is just as hurtful as thinking about all of the porn you chose over her over the years. You will always be a man in that you will always be aroused by your wife's behind. There is a lot there for your wife to be very pleased about. What you can change is how you express your desire and your enthusiasm for your wife's body. You can also choose to be more understanding and sympathetic of how your behaviour makes your wife feel. Make her feel loved and beautiful. The men in porn do not make the women in porn feel loved and beautiful, no matter how much the men express their sexual desire and lust. Be a husband, not a recreation of male porn actors. A husband is willing to change what is not fundamental to his personality or nature. Using porn is not natural and is not a part of who you really are. The version of you without it is a better version of you, and an attainable one. The version of you that tailors his sexual advances and the communication of his desire to be more appealing to his wife is also a better version of you, and an attainable one. Keep up the good work, and follow the advice already given: Talk this over when you are both calm. Reassure your wife that you value all of her, not just her beautiful behind. And ask questions: was it the way that you behaved, or what it reminded her of that was most upsetting. How is she doing in her recovery. What can you do to make her feel better, safer and more loved. Good luck.
Yes! Absolutely 100% yes. I know that when my husband gives me full body massages he gets turned on 98% of the time. Now, it's not an issue if we both are in the mood, chores are done, kids are taken care of, house is clean, etc and we both know sex is coming. But it's a very different story if the house is a mess, there is tons of stress, nothing is done, and sex is the last thing on my mind and I thought he was giving me a massage to relax during a stressful time, not try to have sex So yes, it's great to be turned on by your wife, but the delivery is the key. For instance, my husband used to be super immature with sexual touches (think a high schooler grabbing a girls boob for the first time).... that is NOT a turn on and feels objectifying. My husband knows that the more subtle hint type touches are what gets me going, just brushing by me in the kitchen, kissing my neck, standing behind me and hugging me from behind, etc. are all turn ons. Those are the types of touches that can turn me from mom mode to wife mode. Learn your partners turn ons and turn offs. Tune into her mood, if she wants to simply relax, tune in to that, it's not the time for sex. If she is clearly ready to go ,then tune into that. Body language is a huge way to figure out if someone is in the mood, not in the mood, or Could be in the mood with the right turn ons.
Thanks for the advice my friend. Just so you know more of the story, I did not grab my wife's bottom and make it jiggle. It was jiggling due to her asking me to scratch her back during the massage. The up and down and circular motion of my hand on her back caused her behind to jiggle. The only way she found out I was aroused was when she went to adjust her body and ran into my wood. That's when she got freaked out and ask me if I was looking at her behind. Of course I told the truth and said yes and that I was really aroused by it. Where I messed up at is that I failed to sense she was upset and started playfully snuggling close to her and sticking my face in her hair. This was a mistake of course and a major no no when she was already feeling triggered. Once I picked up on the fact that she was triggered I stopped and pulled away. When she made the statement about I may as well have been watching porn I was extremely hurt and confused. From there I handled everything completely wrong. I instead of just validating her pain and the fact that she was triggered I went into defensive mode due to my own pain and confusion. Next I wanted to make it clear that I will be eliminating porn and masturbation for the rest of my life hopefully. That is the point of the 90 or 180 day PMO reset. I most likely will not even allow my wife to give me a hand job once we get to a place where we are having sex again even though she enjoys it and gets turned on by it, but I don't want the sensation of it to trigger memories. Thanks for kind words of encouragement and taking the time to provide such good insight.
Considering 180days PMO free.... That's tough... 90days was tough enough. Doable, but tough, you will have a lot more moments like this you describe! I'm looking forward to moving to just PM after 90days. It's been interesting, but not sure another 90days would be any more interesting.
