I still need it

This is going to be contrary to some people's opinions on here, because a lot of people on this site are deeply religious / like to keep things very vanilla.

Read on and listen closely, because I want to help you.

What you are describing here is called kink. Spanking is a normal part of the BDSM community - it's actually a very common kink. You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you liking this.

Where you need to be careful is how you express your kink, because the cardinal rule of the BDSM community is consent. When you are practicing your kinks in public places that others can see and witness - these are people that are not consenting to be participants in your actions, and that in itself is wrong. You should never do things that break the rules of consent for yourself, your partners, and others around you.

With that being said, it sounds like you have a lot of shame in your kinks. You even mentioned going to therapy. I would advise you stop doing this, because there's no point in masking who you are and the things you like as long as it's not hurting yourself or anyone around you. This is the same thing for people who are ashamed of being gay and trying to go do gay conversion therapy because they grew up in an environment (usually religious) that shames gay people. It sounds like you may have grew up in an environment that shames kink, and I'm sorry that you have so much conflict.

Just know that you are not alone, and in fact, there's a whole community of people who share this interest and would probably be glad to consensually help you participate in this in private places. If you like the public aspect of it, I know plenty of people who do this sort of stuff in group settings at their homes or dungeon hangouts.

I highly suggest you check out FetLife and sign up. It's a community / social network for people in the BDSM world and there's just about anything for anyone on there. Feel free to send me a direct message if you're interested in learning more. TW though: there's a lot of sex and nudity on there - so if that triggers you, just beware.

And again: Don't let anyone ever shame you or put you down for who you are. You are not alone. What you are experiencing here is perfectly normal and in fact there are probably many thousands of people out there who share a similar interest in this as you. Don't let anyone bring you down because of their own prejudice, religious affiliation, or personal beliefs. You are not weird. You are not crazy. You are not ill.

Stay safe.

 

So I would say that if this is something you in the privacy of your own home, with someone who agrees with it and knows its sexual for you, then go for it.

Sure, this may be embarrassing for you to bring up, but this is exactly what that's for! So talk about it here. Get advice and contemplate I'd it is advice you should take. With therapy, it's tough because some therapists are trash, while others are just seen as worthless because the client doesn't want to out in the necessary work to make improblvements. I will say that if you have a good therapist, AND are willing to put in the work, then you can put this behind you. I'm not saying it will be quick or easy, because it is part of an addiction. But it can be done, if that's something you want to do.

I will, however, disagree adamantly with you saying that you need it. No kind of sex has ever, or will ever be a need.

 

I agree with the other comments above, you shouldn't feel shame for this kink. If it is something you truly enjoy participating in, and you are doing it with all consenting adults, there is no harm here. Especially considering some other, much more extreme kinks people have, this is just harmless roleplay, so go for it if it's what makes you fulfilled.

The only part I'm concerned about is when you say "I struggle to find happiness as I need to be humiliated." If you're just implying that you aren't satisfied by not partaking in your interest enough, then I get that. But if you're truly, always unhappy unless you are actively being humiliated, this is something you should continue to see a therapist for and get help with. Best of luck!

 

This is changing the subject a bit, but I found Fetlife disappointing and I would never go on it now as I'm trying to stay PMO free. One of my main reasons for my PMO addiction is my pursuit of all the great porn that caters to my fetish/kinks. If I search Fetlife it will lead me to look at porn. A bigger reason for me not to be on Fetlife is I'm married and do not want to cheat on my wife.

My desire to act out my fetish is so strong that I had looked at Fetlife a few times to help me find people to play with. I used to have great sessions with my wife, but she stopped participating in OUR fetish when she got older.

The problem I had with Fetlife it seemed like 90% of the people looking for players were either male or not good looking females. There were some women, but finding one that lived near me that were attractive to me, was almost impossible.

Here's to being kinky and loving it.

 

Well yeah, you should never use FetLife to cheat. If you're in a relationship, everything should be agreed upon, and if you're single - that's not a problem.

That's why I put my TW there. If nudity and sexual imagery/content triggers you to PMO, do not go on FetLife - but OP did not mention a PMO addiction.

 

I missed this originally when skimming the post. I agree. You should never feel the need for this to "complete" you - because that is not a balanced lifestyle. Sure, this can be an active component of what you need to be sexually fulfilled, but if this is all that brings you happiness then you probably have some things you need to work out because that is not healthy nor balanced way of living life.

 

Sure, I agree with everything you say. I'm curious, if you are a heterosexual male (I don't know) how was your experience on FetLife? As I mentioned, it wasn't good for me because I found it had way too many men and only a few attractive females, that were not in my geographic area.
There were some events locally that looked interesting, but looking at the people that were going to attend was the same thing, mostly men and a couple of unattractive females.

 

I live in a large US city (>7 million people) so finding events (e.g. munches) and groups was not difficult. I agree with you though that the man : woman ratio is skewed. That's always been my experience with any of these types of sites.

 

I live near a large East Coast city with 1.6 million people and 6 million in the surrounding area. In general, the 1.6 people in the city are not very attractive. It's not like NYC. That being said, in studies on the fetish I enjoy, 24% or more women enjoy it. So really it was a numbers game for me to find a "vanilla" woman who is into it at the level that I liked it. I had that with my wife, but I didn't know that her feelings about it would diminish with age.

 

Not being judgemental, just curious, but why do you think your wife stopped? And why did you put "our" in all caps? It just seems like it may have become something she was uncomfortable with and you have resentment because she no longer wants to do whatever it was.

 

Hello,
That's a fair question, and she told me why she stopped. She told me now that she's older she's not into it as much as she used to be. She stopped for a reason that many women and some men stop doing certain sex acts as they age. They grow out of it or tire of it. Ask older guys if they are still getting bj's often from their wives. I've asked my friends, and not many of us are!

I capped OUR fetish, because she initiated it when we first met and she absolutely loved it. She used to initiate sessions with me all the time, so it truly was OUR kink.

Yes, I'm resentful to a degree. When you marry someone for certain traits and then they change, it can be damaging to the relationship. Have you ever heard people saying they got a divorce because their partner "Changed."

My relationship with my wife is good and with my no PMO commitment it's getting better. Our sex life is better and I do plan in the near future bringing back OUR kink into our repertoire. I think she will be happy when I do.

Best of luck to you.
Nomo

 

@Gotsousedtoit Hey Dave, if I could suggest a small, but significant change to make to your self-talk. You DON'T still "need" it. You definitely may still WANT it, but even though it might feel like you need it, you don't.

If you have to tell yourself something, tell yourself you still want it. That way, you're giving it less power over you. A small change, and certainly not a solution by itself. But anything you can do to cut it down to size will help.

 

You need to do a hard mode reboot of 90 days. It will reset sexually deviant tendencies.

 

This is not necessarily true. Sure you may like vanilla stuff after abstaining for 90 days because something is better than nothing, but having the same old vanilla sex long term gets boring, man. Let people deviate as long as it's not harming themselves or others I agree OP shouldn't NEED this in his life, but it's okay wanting these things. It's really not even that deviant. Spanking is so common dude. And humiliation is a fairly common thing in the BDSM community.

If you're in a long term relationship and having the same type of sex for years on end without mixing it up that's kinda sad.

 

You and I are on the same page with a lot of things. Though I'm not in to BDSM, I am in to plenty of other things that many of the religious, vanilla community members can't seem to accept. We need more members like yourself from our Western side of the world to comment on these things...so thank you again for speaking up with sound feedback.

 

Why don't you or he do a 90 day hard mode reboot, and we'll talk about this after that, ok?

Fair enough?