I love my therapist ❤️ ( my homework 18 months after DDAY 2 )

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Qnb42078, Aug 23, 2018.

  1. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I thought this was really great!
    She asked me to answer these questions and share them with my husband when we have our sit down Saturday, and to get him to answer same questions, to open up dialogue in a healthy way ( besides FANOS)

    6 things I KNOW for a fact about PA from research

    1. I didn’t cause it , I can’t fix it

    2. Will be hard for him to fully recover on his own , he has to do his own work

    3. You will absolutely escalate ( wether it’s what you need to escalate or the escalation winds up outside the marriage)

    4. Abstaining and avoiding is NOT recovery . Sobriety is not recovery

    5. PORN ADDICTION RUINS RELATIONSHIPS

    6. The porn addict is almost NEVER 100% honest , even during recovery


    3 things I THINK about PA

    1. I think it ruined what my marriage could have been
    2. It think it ruined possibility’s to fully trust anytime soon without FULL transparency
    3. I think it ruined my sense of security /safety in the relationship

    3 negative ways I feel PA affected Husband

    1. Became Dishonest person
    2. Blocked his way to be intimate in EVERY way
    3. Objectified ANY and every female , on screen , on paper , in real life no matter age etc to escape SOMETHING

    3 negative ways PA affected you

    1. Severe Betrayal Trauma symptoms, hyper vigilance, constant worry , constant conversations play out in the mind
    2. I feel inauthentic in all relationships, feel like a liar
    3. I HATE seeing what I think “ his type “ is ( younger , prettier , perfect ) anywhere , on screen , on paper , in real life . Triggers me .

    3 NEEDS from husband

    1. I NEED 100% honesty ALWAYS
    2. I NEED intimacy on EVERY level to get my security / safety /sexuality back
    3. I need him to initiate more

    3 WANTS from from the husband

    1. I want him to want to do recovery work
    2. I want a new safe , deep connection
    3. I want to start over with a real honest communicative husband

    3 positive things about me since DDAY

    1. I TRY to be supportive and understanding
    2. I’m forgiving !
    3. I’m loyal

    3 negative things about me since DDAY

    1. I’m TOO quick to forgive
    2. I stuff my feelings
    3. I’m letting betrayal trauma take over ( doubt , fear , trust) TRIGGERS EVERYWHERE

    3 positives about Husband since DDAY

    1. He’s always been complimentary says I’m funny , smart , beautiful same as before
    2. Recently receptive to some recovery work together
    3. He’s kind to me on my BAD days

    3 negative about Husband since DDAY

    1. Not really into “ doing the work “

    2. Doesn’t communicate /open up well on THIS topic

    3. Recently Didn’t own up to the M , I had to ask


    Revisit this 6 months from now , see what has changed

    For the better or worse
     
  2. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    you're a treasure, just saying....
     
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  3. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Awww shucks ;)
    Ya know what ? I know I am lol ! I’m hoping the work can finally be done that should have started 18 months ago . I’m hoping HE makes me feel like the treasure I am ;)
    My dad passed at 57 soon after my wedding 17 years ago ,( I was a young 22 and he LOVED my husband, we already had a son together so he was FAMILY )
    he said something I’ll never forget on my wedding night “ give this marriage all you have , and just when you feel like you can’t give any more , the strength within you will find another drop , I hope it never comes to that but if it does remember this conversation and the “drop “ .
    So I’m remembering this as I am truly giving it the last drop I have left . I hope the drop replenishes the well ;)
     
  4. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    wow this is great and completely true
     
  5. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Very honest , that’s who I am and why PA creates so much havoc in my life
     
  6. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    HE DID HIS HOMEWORK! obviously mine is more in-depth being the betrayed , this was broken down simple enough . So he did his and THEN we exchanged and went to separate rooms . Came back and went over the ones that we put a star next to to get clarity on the questions. I’m not giving his answers , he’s more private than I , but I have to tell you , HE WROTE WORDS lol didn’t skip anything and it opened up a 2 hour convo . I feel light he’s effing FINALLY getting it/himself/me/us and is willing to do anything to recover our marriage.
    For the Porn addicted spouse ( not using , is in recovery stage )


    3 FACTS you learned about porn addiction from RESEARCH

    ( online articles , spouse )

    1.

    2.

    3 .

    3 ways PA changed you in the negative

    1.

    2.

    3.

    6 negative behaviors / patterns /habits you changed for the better after DDAY

    1

    2

    3

    4

    5

    6

    3 ways your spouse changed negatively after DDAY

    1

    2

    3

    3 things your spouse has done positively after DDAY

    1

    2

    3


    3 things you NEED from your spouse

    1

    2

    3

    3 things you WANT from your spouse

    1

    2

    3


    Are you still feeling shame ?

    Have you forgiven yourself ?



    Do you wish you disclosed your behavior rather than your spouse

    find out on their own . Answer Yes or No and WHY .
     
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  7. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    We’ve watched heard some really good tony Robbins videos that helped move along his FEELINGS . My hubs liked him on a dr oz show so my therapist sent me a few to share with him . They were quite impactful.:)
     
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  8. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    that's really awesome. it's such a big step to realize recovery isn't just abstaining. it wasnt until a couple months after my full disclosure to kenzi when I realized that. I thought I was really doing a good job, but I really wasn't. I wasnt giving it my 100%, I was giving it about 90%. its definitely an A effort but not what needs to be done to make a marriage work. kenzi is always saying that a marriage is 200%, it's both sides giving 100% every day. I wish you the best of luck and give it your last drop.
     
  9. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I think because of your additional disclosure you almost have to start over in your relationship recovery which I’m sure frustrated you because u have been clean for a long time . But cool you have that down for now , now focus should be helping her heal and helping the relationship heal . All of our “freak outs” are out of fear . Like , he wants to skip FANOS , is he using . Even if it is he’s just tired ! But my therapist would then say “ did he watch the whole football game “ and I say yes , she then would say he’s not tired he only wants to do what’s fun lol
    Probably true
     
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  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I know I feel completely started over.
    I feel way worse than where I was when we started the... First time even.
    I don't think anyone has said or recognized it yet until I just read this.
    Thank you.
     
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  11. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I tried to PM you the other day and it wouldn’t let me :( My therapist is pretty fucking amazing , I talk about this forum and your sitch , about myself being scared that something will come out after the new changes in him /us . She was brilliant. “ in the How to help her heal he likens the discovery/disclosure to being shot by an oozie , an additional disclosure AFTER you have made yourself vulnerable and open to reconciliation is like a grenade straight to the heart , almost more impactful from the first because you started to let yourself have hope and FEEL all the new feelings , fall in love all over again “ she literally said you have to go back to the beginning of YOUR healing . All that does is make the betrayed MORE angry Because we are angry in the beginning that WE even were put in any position to HAVE to do work . I didn’t post my husbands answers but he said I could share the answer to the last one “
    “ YES !!! I didn’t like the effect of the blindside on her . Presenting /disclosure would have been better than getting caught . Disclosure offers more hope/trust than getting caught . Getting caught causes untrust to remain longer and deeper “
    Thisss was huggeee . After that answer I asked point blank , that if we are going to do all this the “right” way I need to know EVERYTHING! And let HIM know about your sitch .
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I closed my PMs because I am so sporadic.
    The stuff with my daughter... The stuff with my husband... I feel like I am "humaning" all wrong right now.
    Hell, I am taking bullying just from a comment in a thread on a post and I had to explain multiple times, I said "I PMed the OP" and everyone is acting like I owe a public apology.
    Sorry, no.
    I am not a celebrity.
    I owe no one, anything.
    I'm too tired for this.
    My heart is breaking and I come here... Mostly to read now days and I even get treated like That is a crime too.
    I cry... Everyday.
    My old journals feel like... Lies.
    And I miss my old therapist.
    Which is so dumb... Right?
    This probably seems like a minor thing to you... But your compassion right now... Really means alot.
    Thank you
     
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  13. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Are you kidding ?? That’s when I was trying to PM you !! The subject line was “ what the actual fuck “ lol you got shredded . I was going to insert myself more into that thread but for myself I was already having a wounded duck day and I was afraid I would spew venom . I just try to have compassion for everybody here , we are ALL hurting in one way or another . I’m sorry she said those things to you and Anna:(
     
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