I literally messed up so bad... probably the stupidest thing i ever did, did i just relapse?

What I mean is that a relapse is a personal matter.

Some people have a goal to not watch porn and won't regard masturbating or using dating websites as a relapse. Some others will classify these behaviors as relapsing because they have the goal of not engaging in these activities in the first place.

If you didn't have a goal to not search for that stuff when you first started your journey, this is not a relapse. This is not what you were trying to avoid.

I think that because you are confused about whether this is a relapse or not is proof that you weren't intent on avoiding this activity.

But if you want my opinion, you should from now on classify searching for stuff as a relapse. This will help you be more careful. Just don't make the mistake of watching porn after you realize that you searched for something that you shouldn't. You may have relapsed when you searched for stuff, but watching porn is a far more serious relapse. Just dust yourself off and try harder.

Yes, if you keep searching for sexual stuff, you will increase the chances of relapsing in full. Don't do it. Or you will just make it way harder for you to resist the temptation of watching porn. It's not worth the suffering. Be careful.

 

I really hope you can stop being so hard on yourself. Your four years of sobriety are not gone. They are still there! There is a big difference between a reset and a relapse. You did not relapse but you did reset it seems. You have to be careful not to turn all this disappointment into a real relapse. I really hope you can just focus on your recovery and go get some more years under your belt.

Do you know how few people go for four years before hitting a bump in the road?? I can tell you, very very few. You need to get out of this depressed state and see how far you have come in life. Stop turning this into a monster and just focus on learning from it and moving on.

 

There is no starting again. Those four years are in the bank. You looked at some Youtube that you should not have, its not like you were out there PMO ing for days or something. In this kind of situation the day counter is not a good tool. You did not relapse but you did something that dose not fit with your recovery, now you wont do it anymore. To say you are going back to porn because of this makes zero sense. I hope you come to your senses because at the moment you are so far from logic on this.

 

Sorry my friend. I am not disappointed at all, maybe slightly frustrated that the negativity that this stuff can put on people but not at you. I just feel really strongly that you have done so well with this four years and the thought that you could think it was all wasted got me a bit.

I am really sorry to hear how much you have suffered the last few days. Please, please know there is no need to suffer or put yourself down. You did not relapse in my opinion. Use this to become even stronger. You are here to do great things, don't let this addiction pull you back in, that's what it wants. It wants you to give up, this is just the addiction. Don't let it tell you all these lies. Go back to what works, carry on the good fight and keep yourself free. You are great brother always remember that. You have not done PMO for four years, you are a lion.

 

Hmm, I am still uncertain that you have understood what I am saying. Watching porn and doing what you did are connected in a way but they're not the same thing.

Don't reset your counter. That's a very long time of not watching porn. Simply create a second counter for abstaining from searching for sexual things online.

 

Don’t worry about weather it was a relapse pick urself up and carry on, it is behind you now.

 

I mean, was it ideal? Nah. Would it been better to avoid it? Sure. But come on, give yourself a break. You watched some softcore stuff after four years. That can't be the "dumbest thing you ever did". Relapse or not, it doesn't really matter. Shake this event off and keep going like you did for four years. Don't focus so much on whether or not this was or wasn't a relapse.