I don't know what's going on with me...

saddist_adult · Apr 10, 2022

(noted: During childhood i was always in love with women all my life along...)
I got into porn at the very young ages...first porn I ever watched was straight porn then switch to gay porn and then switch to transwoman porn which is the most addictive fetish i ever watched....

After i realized how bad my addiction is i cut off porn and masturbated immediately, during that addiction era i couldn't believe what i have done... So many gay stuff i did like masturbated anal etc... Everytime after i orgasmed it was extremely depressed, guilty, shame and social anxiety.... ruined my life completely, my social status went lowest point of my life, low self-esteem, depressed, weak...

After i identify the problem and trying to find the solution, i discovered nofap, i found out that i have PMO addiction (long story) so i tried to working on it. After 4 years of no porn and masturbated, my life has completely flip, it's great and life more meaning full than i ever was, socialize, making friends, new experiences, got a job etc...

During that addiction periods, i encounter with so many women, also never be able to pursue relationship, heart broken, regretted I didn't confess, got rejected, got played, it was terrible experienced with ladies.... Then i decided to not evolve in relationships cause it's distracted me so much also to avoid being hurts...

After i focusing on building myself and loving myself, my attraction towards women starting to fade... I also noticed how weird that is!!? Like wtf is happening to me? Then one day which is i never fantasize before suddenly i had all these gay thoughts??? I didn't find fantasizing about straight sex give arousal no more. Like wtf is going on in my systems, especially fantasize about banging a transwoman give a hard rock boner as well gay shit fantasy....

I didn't pay much to it cause in my mind, i think it's just thought maybe cause of PMO addiction... Then ignore the problem for months. After one I didn't pay attention to myself, a handsome guy walked by and i was staring at him not sure how i felt but it was mix feelings, suddenly i panic immediately! " Am i gay? " Wtf is going on...

From then i search symptoms related to HOCD after that my life went down hill again just luckily I didn't check myself by seeking porn, since my brain already developed porn avoidance. Cause what porn addiction did to me is still traumatized... After that incident 24/7 couldn't sleep properly, keep researching, keep asking questions, avoid social interaction, extremely depressed... Also some anxiety goes along.

This happening during my 20s probably the most confusion moment in my life.
I'm not sure what's going on, i couldn't recall the time i in love with same gender before it never happened before!!! How is this happening in my 20s!!! Anyone relate?

hollyman · Apr 16, 2022

Man your just avoiding things

Your affraid being hurt by woman so the feel of being with man come across your mind

Running running running will not solved the problem...open yourself again with woman,, it might so uncomfortabble first but u must try somethin

BigBallOfFire · Apr 24, 2022

I sort of agree. I believe tons of modern ''gay'' boys are in fact

1. people hurt by women and not wanting to go through a heartbreak again (instead they should heal, work on themselves and find a better healthy partner the next time)
2. people addicted to porn who with time associate arousal by looking at another men's penis (simple test: do you are aroused by a thought of sucking another mans' dick or perhaps by KISSING a man in lips, with tongue? Because if the answer is ''hell no'' to the latter, youre not gay)
3. people who have no clue how to date or romance women out of lack of experience or 1. above, so they steer towards ''being gay'' as an easy, simple response
4. other reasons like some experiences in childhood, abusive father, traumas, etc

saddist_adult · Apr 28, 2022

BigBallOfFire said: ↑

I sort of agree. I believe tons of modern ''gay'' boys are in fact

1. people hurt by women and not wanting to go through a heartbreak again (instead they should heal, work on themselves and find a better healthy partner the next time)
2. people addicted to porn who with time associate arousal by looking at another men's penis (simple test: do you are aroused by a thought of sucking another mans' dick or perhaps by KISSING a man in lips, with tongue? Because if the answer is ''hell no'' to the latter, youre not gay)
3. people who have no clue how to date or romance women out of lack of experience or 1. above, so they steer towards ''being gay'' as an easy, simple response
4. other reasons like some experiences in childhood, abusive father, traumas, etc
Click to expand...

BigBallOfFire said: ↑

I sort of agree. I believe tons of modern ''gay'' boys are in fact

1. people hurt by women and not wanting to go through a heartbreak again (instead they should heal, work on themselves and find a better healthy partner the next time)
2. people addicted to porn who with time associate arousal by looking at another men's penis (simple test: do you are aroused by a thought of sucking another mans' dick or perhaps by KISSING a man in lips, with tongue? Because if the answer is ''hell no'' to the latter, youre not gay)
3. people who have no clue how to date or romance women out of lack of experience or 1. above, so they steer towards ''being gay'' as an easy, simple response
4. other reasons like some experiences in childhood, abusive father, traumas, etc
Click to expand...

Yea i think my case is the 1 and 2

The addiction started earlier but it wasn't like i fallen deep right after i got my heart broke that's how the addiction keep getting worsen... After recovering from porn addiction got my heart broken multiple times due to insecurities, situationship, got rejected etc ...

The lose attraction started around 20s and it just kicking in when i turn 21... Fucking my mind up to be honest, i don't even know when my attraction towards women is back

BigBallOfFire · Apr 28, 2022

whn you decide its back.
and after you heal from porn.
take ownership for your own power and heal

Kierann · Apr 29, 2022

I for sure can appreciate handsome guy who radiates certain kind of energy. And I've fallen in love with couple of guys throughout my life and since my attraction to the same sex has never been sexual for me, it was always quite confusing for me when that happened because I just don't seem to fit any of the established tribes - gay, straight, bi. I just couldn't identify myself with any of these labels. And once I realised that, I became free. Should I really worry because I'm in love with a guy ( usually perfectly heterosexual friend of mine)? No, love is never toxic. Only the way we respond to it might be.

BigBallOfFire · Apr 29, 2022

maybe you just lack some kind of love you were denied in your childhood.

saddist_adult · May 1, 2022

BigBallOfFire said: ↑

maybe you just lack some kind of love you were denied in your childhood.
Click to expand...

What is that even mean?

BigBallOfFire · May 1, 2022

well nobody is being born gay right?
or a lesbian. or hetero. something shape our attractions , usually in early childhood and perhaps later when we grow up.
there is always a reason.

saddist_adult · May 1, 2022

BigBallOfFire said: ↑

well nobody is being born gay right?
or a lesbian. or hetero. something shape our attractions , usually in early childhood and perhaps later when we grow up.
there is always a reason.
Click to expand...

Mostly homosexual started earlier, of course at young age. During my childhood it was all women i didn't recall or remember any event encounter my sexual attraction to same gender at all.

BigBallOfFire · May 2, 2022

they say all homophobics are attracted to gays secretly hahaha

but do you feel aroused by thinking about kissing a male with tongue or not?
oir maybe it was just porn induced?

edit: let me put that in a different way, if youre attracted to males or sex with them, what exactly in the sex act youre attracted into?
describe it in detail

saddist_adult · May 2, 2022

BigBallOfFire said: ↑

they say all homophobics are attracted to gays secretly hahaha

but do you feel aroused by thinking about kissing a male with tongue or not?
oir maybe it was just porn induced?

edit: let me put that in a different way, if youre attracted to males or sex with them, what exactly in the sex act youre attracted into?
describe it in detail
Click to expand...

Lmao i misunderstood the word i mean homosexual*

saddist_adult · May 2, 2022

BigBallOfFire said: ↑

they say all homophobics are attracted to gays secretly hahaha

but do you feel aroused by thinking about kissing a male with tongue or not?
oir maybe it was just porn induced?

edit: let me put that in a different way, if youre attracted to males or sex with them, what exactly in the sex act youre attracted into?
describe it in detail
Click to expand...

Mostly these false attraction has no desire of intimacy at all... It started after i got my heart broken too bad, that's how women attraction starting to fade. Also i never wanted to kiss a guy or suck his dick just no, never

mrpractical · May 5, 2022

Unfortunately these kind of videos show a man with tue best qualities
Big dick
Great lock
dominant
Great physique
Its obviously that almost boys/men want these qualities for himself and dopamine kicks more. So he build a kinda tolerance to this man or kind of man which manipulation of brain.
I pray that we stop with this and get the strength to say to ourselves: Stop this fucking shit!

BigBallOfFire · May 5, 2022

exactly. the desire for intimacy. another factor. not only kissing but would you want to sleep and cuddle with this person (a male)
if not, then youre not gay

mrpractical · May 5, 2022

No not at all - i for example ask myself watching ( i know it's embarrassing and i hate myself every second) why does he that. It's money? What it is ? I am stunned how he gets so intimate with the same sex. Even straight sex isnt so. I imagine myself doing this with a girl. She should for example be the king in this act and dominate me for example for one night and other situations.

saddist_adult · May 8, 2022

BigBallOfFire said: ↑

exactly. the desire for intimacy. another factor. not only kissing but would you want to sleep and cuddle with this person (a male)
if not, then youre not gay
Click to expand...

Hell to the fucking no... I never even thought about pursue a relationship it's just disgusting to me... Everytime i met girls i always fantasize about warm, happiness, intimacy, emotional connection... It's just different from this false attraction and fetishes i developed due to hardcore PMO for years

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