I can’t deal with the lies!

Hello. From what I have learned, unfortunately porn can make us lie to indirectly protect the addiction. And unfortunately, I don't really think that you can make him leave it by just diagnosing him as an addict. You can't fight a problem that you don't think you have. Sometimes it's cruel, but some addicts realize that they have a problem when they realize that something about them is negatively affected.
And it might be harder to just leave it, because without the proper motivation and strategy, some addicts (in cases more serious) take years to rehab.

I am not so involved in dates and couples things, but I would recommend to learn more about the causes and effects of PMO addiction and try to talk to him again. If he agrees and commits to leave it, work as a couple. If you identify what makes him more likely to relapse, you can think about ways to avoid it. It comes with some planning. And keep up motivation to achieve the goals. This community is great when it comes to support.

And very importantly remember that: from my experience porn is nothing but an industry of lies that breaks couples, families and people. All the time, energy and even money that one nvests in porn simply will never come back. 3 seconds of pleasure are nothing compared to the satisfaction of a good life. The material is just an illusion, but his life is right in front of him and its real. But most of all remember that you ARE real and all of that is something that porn will never be capable of equalize. Good luck, and I hope he can quit porn.

 

The lies really are the worst aren't they? Go have a loot at yourbrianonporn.com if you haven't already, and have him read it too. My bf said that site helped him a lot when he got serious about getting better. It is a long, painful battle but worth it.

 

Does he have any hobbies or other types of activities? If his main trigger is boredom, on a general level the best solution would be to encourage him to participate in any activity and preferably outside from the "comfort zone". Like a sport, arts, a new skill, there are many options, but he'd have to look one that fits him the best. Also, if he feels the necessity to go back to porn it's also recommended to go out for a walk. Somewhere where he can let those thoughts flow away. Or call a friend. All of those will keep him distracted from porn.

Once upon a time I was so busy going out participating in activities that I had no time or energies to even think about PMO. He should try.

Also, tell him to keep a journal. Those things are damn useful for free expression and to analyze your progress.

 

@Jagliana has a whole journal about overcoming lies in a relationship. She's been through a lot and can help. Sorry to hear your story. Every lie hurts, and my guess is he is telling himself a ton as well. Like she'll get over it. All men look at porn. It's not a big deal.

 

There are a lot of resources in my signature in the Resources thread I made, it's a compilation of everything that's been helpful in the past 2 years, and it's for both PA and SO, I wish you luck and agree with everything @GhostWriter wrote

 

Here - she requires her husband be completely honest to work through his addiction.

 

We know that's what you mean. On the other hand, I believe @GhostWriter has a bery important point. You are letting him know that you really care about him and about his wellness. But also let him know that this is hurting you too and that you won't simply wait for results if he doesn't do what he promises. Working together with full honesty will be the first step.

Also, I would consider another hobbie differetn from xbox. If you ask me, technology is risky with triggers because of their closeness. Better if are activities outside or where he can socialize.

 

I have a list of resources in my signature too so you can see how much is required in reboot for the PA
Feel free to ask me any questions you may have

 

That's would be important too. As the good old Arthur Conan Doyle said: when you investigate always look for evidence before you start creating theories. Otherwise, you are at risk of altering evidence in order to suit theories. Some healthy skepticism never comes bad, in this cases it would be a useful tool. All details are potential evidence as it was described at the beginning.

 

I'm glad you found this forum. It was literally a saving grace for my husband because I was done with this marriage in January and now I am just unsure.

I too "knew" my husband watched porn from 'time to time' because you know, "all guys do it!" - that's what has been engraved into our heads for years. One time, at 2 AM, I caught him in the act... he didn't even bother to check if I was awake to see if I would be willing to have some 'fun' with him, he just went into the bathroom and decided to pleasure himself. I heard the porn on his phone, so I screamed through the door " I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE DOING", he panicked because he probably assumed I was asleep and out of nowhere I come screaming. He swore it wasn't an everyday thing, not a big deal, he didn't want to wake me etc. I took it upon myself to check everything at the point and my first D-Day occurred. I discovered a treasure trove of porn history, what felt like 24/7 worth of it. I was floored, I just had our first child two months before, my self-esteem was ruined. It's a really long story but it's the first post in my journal if you are interested: click here.

He had a big issue with lying to me, he did it so much that at some point, I don't think he could tell the difference anymore himself. Now, with this recovery, because of NoFap really and all he has learned here... he has been 100% honest with me. It took a while, but it can be done. He has to be willing though until it "clicks" for him and he wants to change - nothing you do will fix this (his addiction and lying).

If you need to talk, feel free to shoot me a private message.