How to determine if a woman is lying about body count? (how many people they have had sex with)

Very true. It's also worth noting that more experience can often mean absolutely nothing if you happen to end up in a relationship with a woman who likes completely different things than the last woman you were with. Everybody is different, so having a bunch of experience with other women doesn't guarantee you will know diddly squat about whatever woman you're with next.

 

It doesn't have to translate to more experience, but it usually does since everyone is different. There's different chemistry with different partners. Different things you're both into that perhaps previous partners of you/them weren't into.

This doesn't just apply to sex either, but to relationships in general. After you've just come out of a long relationship with one partner that you've been with for years, it's easy to feel like that's just the way relationships are - that your last relationship was a perfect example of what every relationship is like. On the other hand, someone who has some relationship experience, has been with a few partners etc, already knows about the different emotional needs of different partners, and has an easier time adjusting.

I actually think someone having a lower count could actually put a larger risk on a long term serious monogamous relationship. If you're looking to marry a girl, and she's literally never been with anyone before you - there are going to be times when she's curious, when she's wondering what it'd be like to be with someone different. She has no way of knowing if you're really 100% her type because she hasn't experienced anything else. (If you don't believe me, just search, you'll find tons of posts on every relationship advice platform around of married men and women who have never been with anyone other than their wife/husband - regretting not exploring before they got married)

On the other hand, a girl who's had a variety of relationships and partners before, has a much better idea of what sexually satisfies her, what she needs emotionally from her ideal partner, the kind of guy she feels most comfortable being around long term, and of course: the kind of guys she feels were mistakes and wants to avoid in future.

You can't eat a slice of pizza and decide pizza is your favourite food if you've never tasted anything else. You can certainly know you like it - but what's to say you don't like lasagna even more?

I think it is good and healthy to explore and meet and interact with different people when you're young. Try dating different people. Explore different partners. It helps develop both emotional and sexual maturity. That doesn't mean you have to sleep with a new guy or girl every weekend - but hell, if you want to do that, use protection, don't be an idiot about it, and you're fine.

It's why I would not get married or commit myself to something long term at my current age (25), because I don't want to commit to someone now, when there is still more to explore, more to learn about myself and what I really like in a partner, etc.

So I absolutely respect and cherish the same in any future partner - I'd much rather they had their exploration out of the way before we got together than 10 years into marriage deciding they had unfinished business they needed to explore and that the relationship was holding them back from doing that. Just reading even just a handful of the stories of the failed marriages of those who did precisely that, should be sobering enough to show why some healthy exploration before you commit is a good thing.

Now personally I don't mind. I'll happily be in a relationship with a girl with zero experience, one with a ton of experience, or anyone in between - so long as we mesh and have chemistry. However there are definitely advantages to having had relationship (and sexual) experience beforehand, and assuming I do eventually look to settle down when I'm older, that's something I'd look for in a partner.

Age definitely plays into it though - because I probably won't settle down until I'm at least in my 30s, maybe later. So, it would be hard to find someone who didn't have experience at that age.

Just my 2c of course feel free to disagree. Everyone has their own criteria for what they want in a partner.

 

So your solution to the hypocrisy is to have men stop asking women how many partners they've had. Why not solve the hypocrisy by encouraging women to ask men that question too? It seems like a valid question, to me.

 

That's a really dangerous mindset to have about relationships... there will always be someone out there who is better, in certain ways, than your current partner. People who live the way you're describing are people who end up like my grandma: 70+ years old, divorced 5+ times, currently divorced from a great man she was with since I was born because she had an affair and wanted something "better." And now shes just alone.

 

My point is precisely the opposite. If you don't truly know what you like in a partner because you haven't explored and made that discovery through your own experiences (and this is less about sex, and more about relationships themselves here) - then you are liable to end up with precisely the type of person that you can't live with.

I know that in each relationship I've been in, things have been very very different. My partners all shared similarities with each other in some ways, but were incredibly different in others. There were some things I liked about each relationship, and some things I disliked.

Each relationship I've been in has taught me valuable new things about my previous relationships too. Lessons I never learned because my previous relationship was different. Each relationship has matured me, and made me better at handling the ups and downs.

My first serious relationship, quickly became toxic, and I just assumed that's how relationships were. I mean, that's why couples fight right? Had I grown old with one person we'd have been one of those couples that absolutely resented each other by the time we were in our 40s.

We're friends now, have both had relationships since, and both matured a lot through them.

It isn't absolutely necessary. You absolutely can meet someone when you're young, and end up spending your whole life together. It does happen. Anyone that tells you it doesn't is a pessimist. However, my point is that having explored and learned things along the way is healthy and can help prepare you for a long lasting beautiful relationship when the time comes. I don't think it should be something to be feared.

Of course that's just my opinion. Feel free to disagree if you think otherwise.

 

I understood your point, but MY point is that no matter how many relationships you've had and how much you've learned, there is STILL going to be someone out there more attractive, more confident, funnier, smarter, more assertive, more adventurous, etc, than your partner. So if you begin a pattern of learning from your relationships so you can find someone slightly better for you next time, that cycle will never end, and you will eventually be alone.

 

I agree with most of what youre saying, but this thread isnt about past relationships, it's about past sexual partners. Very different things.

 

why in the hell would i want to know how many girls the guy i currently am with has had? asking this question is childish and pointless beyond imagination

 

Of course, I agree, very different things, and I think they're both fine to explore. I don't think anyone should be stigmatised because of the number of partners they've had, whether sex happened with them or not. I think what is most important is that when two people enter a relationship, they can both be comfortable and open with each other.

At the end of the day it's a very individual thing. Some guys and girls need a lot of time to explore themselves and others. They need to experiment sexually, explore new things, fall in love and out of love, get their hearts broken a few times - before they've really reached a stage where they're certain they know who and what they want, and are ready to settle down. For some even, settling down might not be something they ever want. Then there are plenty of others who do all their exploration and learning with one partner - and they learn and grow together.

That's why personally, despite feeling slightly more comfortable knowing my partner already has done some exploration of their own, and knows where they're at - the number, be it sexual partners, or relationships, really doesn't matter to me. Whether it's 0 or 30, what's more important is the person behind the number, and that we both have a connection, want similar things out of our relationship together, and both of us feel satisfied where we are, with each other.

 

I completely disagree. It's fine that you believe it's a pointless question, but it's also fine for other people to disagree with you on that.

 

I agree, minus the sexual exploration. I don't agree that some people need to explore sexually before settling down, but I don't feel the need to debate you on that. To each his own.

I think what's more important than the number itself is the REASON for the number, and that's why people care about the number in the first place. It's not simply that someone thinks it's gross if you've been with 30 people, but rather that they are curious WHY the number is so high. Same thing can be said about low numbers. If I met a man in his 30s who had never been in a relationship, that would be a concern for me, because I would want to know why. If he had a good reason, though, then my concerns would be gone.

 

I don't see any hypocrisy in those posts. I think it's because I consider discussing past relationships perfectly normal in the course of getting to know someone and I've done that in all my relationships. I don't need to or sometimes want to know all the gory details, but if someone I was interested in didn't open up at all about her past I would consider that a serious negative.

 

I feel having enough relationships before you get married with different people to be able to find out for yourself what you really value is a good thing. That might be only one relationship or ten, it doesn't matter as long as you know enough about what you want, to be able to commit long term and be reasonably sure you are choosing a SO who is right for you when you do.

From the little you wrote about your grandma's experience I suspect if she had done this she might not have gone through so many marriages.

 

I agree with you on that first paragraph. That's not what I'm saying is bad. I've already made that pretty clear.

And no, I don't think that was my grandma's problem at all. My grandma gets bored and starts deciding things are wrong with her current partner, even though they are traits the person has always had since the beginning of their relationship, so she moves on to someone else. She's had many, many relationships throughout her life, so I don't see how her lack of experience could possibly be a factor.

 

I went back a few of your posts. In #66 you wrote

which seems to me not to be in agreement with my first paragraph. But I could be missing something too, it has happened before

I think one difference between our points of view may be that I'm thinking there is minimal chance of the learning pattern becoming a habit that will be troublesome later in life. Consider that there are not many people who end up marrying their first and only girlfriend/boyfriend and live happily ever after. So weather we do it subconsciously or consciously, there is almost always a learning curve being worked through. Hope that makes sense.

Got ya, I knew I probably had too little information to go on

 

I never claimed that past relationships aren't helpful at all and provide no benefit to future relationships. I said that if you have a MINDSET of using current relationships to learn so you can do better next time, you are never going to stop breaking up and looking for someone else, because there will always be somebody better. We aren't saying opposite things, we're just saying completely different things. All of my past relationships definitely helped me learn what I needed in a man. On the flip side, my sister married the first person she ever dated, and they're still super happy together. It's all about commitment and remembering that love is a choice.

 

Let me make it more clear by bolding the important words in my statement that you seem to have glossed over:

"So if you begin a pattern of learning from your relationships so you can find someone slightly better for you next time, that cycle will never end, and you will eventually be alone."

I never said that simply learning from your past relationships is bad.

 

I understand what you're saying here CassTeaElle. What I don't understand is why you think this pattern will never end. Yes, there will be some people for who that will be true, but there are outliers in everything. IMO the vast majority of people will settle down with someone long before the process becomes hard to leave behind.

So what I think you're saying is it's better to learn from past experience as it happens, than it is to look for this type of experience on purpose, correct?

BTW, I hope I'm not coming across as argumentative, I just find the subject and this discussion interesting

 

I didn't mean to imply that that's true for everybody. Obviously nothing is true for everybody. But there are plenty of people who get in that pattern and it becomes unhealthy, because they're always looking for something better or different. That's all I was trying to say.

Yes. I've learned a lot from all of my past relationships, but I went into all of them with the hope of marriage as an end goal. Many of them didn't work out that way, and that's fine, I learned from them. But I think people should pursue relationships with at least some high level of commitment in mind, not just as a fun learning experience. That's just my opinion. I don't expect or demand that anyone agree with it.

 

I hear ya. I'm an old fart, specially around here. Been married for over 15 years now. I'm way out of touch with how the dating and relationship world works these days, but I'm learning a lot about it just from being active here. Thanks for your perspective on this stuff.

A couple of things I've learned in life are not to take everything too seriously and not to judge people without good reason. You make a great point here that I know has value for a lot of people and I appreciate that.

Now, I'm going to try to stop derailing this thread