Green lion's Journal (My Success story)

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by green lion eating the sun, Jan 6, 2018.

  1. This is my success story pure and honest with ups and downs but with always that light of hope that my faith in God gave me and the beautiful support i received and receive everyday from my accountability partners and from other addicts like me on nofap :emoji_blush:

    getting off my chest my addictions and what i did with other addicts and feeling truly understood was one of the main things that made my reboot the last one :emoji_grinning: :emoji_medal:
    I am a 26 year-old girl and was addicted to p and s. started with p at 18. God is my strenght as i have written attached to my signature on nofap

    To be successful in your reboot you must work on yourself and really improve (make yourself happy with activities, people you surround and work or uni you have). That is why i couldn't succeed the other times i tried to quit

    2017 has been the darkest period of my life. when I decided to start my last and successful reboot on 6th March 2017 I took this line from Othello with me "This is the night that’ll either make me or break me". That is how I felt. I was in that moment at a crossroads: letting myself die (I had suicidal thoughts, imagined to act on it but i would have never really killed myself) or fight for myself (hanging onto the hope that i could go back to who i was always and forgiving myself especially for how i had s (believing that no matter how long it had been, 7 years of adddiction, there was still my true self inside of me somewhere)

    also my profile picture on nofap is no coincidence about my reboot. when i was still an addict in the last year it was very difficult to bear. i had a huge internal struggle. i felt i would have never been able to escape from that life. that double life was more the only real life i was living. i felt i better give up and accept my vices and let my vices out only when i was having s (when i couldn't hide that). I stopped for a month watching p but i felt i was "s. castrating myself" i was just suppressing my urges but they were still inside of me very strong

    so in that period i re-started watching cartoon or Disney stuff i watched when i was a kid (they took me back to a time when i was pure, innocent and a good person and above all i was proud of myself). my profile pic is from the lion king, the scene below when Mufasa tells his son in the midst of confusion and hard times "You are more than what you have become" and "Remember who you are" i cried coz it touched me particularly thinking about my life as an addict:



    It follows the main posts about my feelings during my reboot.the main purpose of my journal is to inspire other addicts or to encourage to keep going in their reboot. I quit my ex addictions for good, it is possible. I am not saying it is going to be easy. i am saying it is going to be worthy it, stay strong! :emoji_bouquet::emoji_muscle:

    it is also nice for me to see the progress and how far i have come so far (more improvements to come)
    "Started from the bottom now we are here" to quote Drake:emoji_grinning: :emoji_dancer:

    First post, the beginning(3 days after starting my reboot I joined nofap) :) : https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/on-my-way-to-recovery.98693/#post-818551
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...tbreak-and-post-addictions.98773/#post-815499
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...y-i-am-a-sex-addict.104139/page-3#post-880796

    90 days clean https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...days-that-im-clear.106535/page-2#post-1226546
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/watch-this-if-you-are-a-sex-addict.109397/#post-905018
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...ies-would-you-do-it.109845/page-2#post-930355
    126 days pmo free https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...o-free-life-is-good.112619/page-2#post-946610
    when i was close to relapse but i didnt https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...tween-erotic-movies-and-p.113272/#post-936525

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...dy-to-get-back-at-dating.125868/#post-1014284
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...is-is-what-i-wrote.127098/page-2#post-1109768
    6 months reboot https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/6-months-pmo-free.126856/page-2#post-1030743
    7 months reboot https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-7-months-pmo-free.134141/#post-1073010
    at the 8th month mark https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-on-my-8-months-pmo-free.142766/#post-1175831
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...guy-after-8-months.132693/page-2#post-1065836
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-but-dont-approach.136046/page-3#post-1105455
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-and-it-annoyed-me.136757/page-2#post-1094379
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/what-do-you-do-in-your-day.144387/#post-1195612

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-with-family-and-friends.147688/#post-1216192
    A big win for me, i don't feel unlovable anymore https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/a-guy-told-me-he-liked-me-a-lot.148788/#post-1229438
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...hey-wanna-hang-out-again.149181/#post-1227198
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...hey-wanna-hang-out-again.149182/#post-1228307
     
  2. This afternoon I went to my gym and while I was about to start my exercises a guy said he thought we already met

    I think I met him years ago. We even live close. Crazy that I bumped into him randomly at my gym when I haven't seen him in the year that I joined. It was nice talking to someone that didnt try to be a creep. I feel I'm more positive and people are more interested in talking to me :) law of attraction

    I don't really look at guys at the gym. I concentrate on my workout as the others do

    We talked for a while. I thought he was going to ask for my fb to get in touch. I didn't want to date him but maybe sort of friend. Now I'm more looking for female friends though

    I was a little bit nervous so I started talking about dating at some point. About the fact that I feel physical attraction is important in dating, at least for me it has a big part (there has to be chemistry on that level) and the guy must take the lead and kiss me instead of being insecure and waiting for 100 positive signs from me that Im flirting and interested and let me be a man

    It looked bad the way i was saying to him lol but that is what i believe for now. Communication is important but also s. Desire i feel

    I havent dated in a year (never dated during my reboot) so i dunno if i would feel like this or this is just a remain of my ex addictions. It is an ipothesis

    When i was on my phone on an open chat he said"are you texting your bf?" I replied "no I'm not dating anyone just texting a friend"

    The physical attraction I feel is very important for me obviously communication very much but if you don't enjoy kissing each other lol
     
  3. My congratulations @green lion eating the sun! You are a great person, giving huge amount of inspiration! Thank you very much!
     
  4. another positive stuff :emoji_nerd:
    the other day my parents reminded, while we were talking, that i used to feel uncomfortable and didn't know what to say when people asked me what i did for a living

    that question made me feel a failure because i didn't get a degree like the other people my age. while now I am happy to talk about my job (btw i do the same job as before but my prospective has shifted)

    I matured and took responsibilities that I am glad to take and i don't run away anymore from planning my goals to reach in the near future :emoji_100:
     
  5. one girl (not the one that put me into her bed at the NYE house party, I puked several times in the toilet) living in that house invited me to another house party this Saturday. I am so happy :emoji_grinning: coz they invited even though i puked 1st time meeting them but they haven't hated me. plus in the city where i live it is very common for people to get drunk

    I will go there with another girl :) i was more high on weed than drunk btw. I won't drink alcohol and won't smoke at all. I will buy a big bottle of Coke and I will drink that. I wanna be sober and my best self :emoji_dancer::emoji_ok_woman:

    with some people if they drink a lot of alcohol meeting the 1st time and getting drunk wasn't seen as a problem, was actually encouraged but these girls are different, nor slutty neither drunk girls everyday (def the kind of girls I could like) :emoji_tropical_drink: to be honest now i rarely drink alcohol but i thought on nye (go big or go home) coz it was a special occasion and alcohol gave me more courage. i am more scared to talk to girl than guys but i will have a real good time and i am easygoing

    it is just sometimes i am still a little shy and insecure when i am surrounded by people i don't know but they know each other more. this is my chance to have finally some female friends after quite some time that i hung out with just male friends (not entirely my choice but i know how to persuade guys without even flirting, with girls given they are not gay i have much less power)

    I will make it right this time. ONLY POSITIVE VIBES! and fuck everyone else who tries to bug me :)
     
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  6. on Monday 8th January 2018 I started diet :emoji_relaxed::emoji_apple::emoji_green_apple::emoji_salad::emoji_tangerine:
    on 10th I checked my weight and I was at 51.8 kg
    last time i checked my weight was December during the holiday season lol and it was 52.4 kg
    dunno if in the meantime i gained a little weight or no (from the last part of December till January) but i lost 0.6 kg
    I feel much better mentally and physically :emoji_muscle:

    every morning i drink orange juice i do myself wit the oranges, in 26 years of time first time trying it and i love it lol :emoji_tangerine:
    I stopped drinking Coke for a while

    I work out at the gym almost everyday :emoji_lifter: and i change excercises as my diet
    I look at myself in the mirror and I am happy to see improvements especially in my hips not in the front side but lateral. it did bug me now i am getting rid of it :emoji_man_dancing:
     
  7. Hey @green lion eating the sun thanks for sharing your story !! Its quite inspiring & I'm happy to see that you're on your way towards a better life!! Everybody here helps, supports & inspires each other & I really love this about this community!!
     
  8. So last night I went to a party in the same house
    here is some of my reflections on what happened:

    the girl that was supposed to join me at the party, bailed on me and told me she was sick and couldn't make it when i texted her i was at the meeting point. her loss, my gain. i deleted her number
    when i got in front of the door, i almost didn't want to knock and go back home because being alone with mostly strangers would have been hard. i felt the pressure but i decided to enter
    one of the girls i sort of befriended at the other party (to whom I asked on New Year's Day if she wanted to grab a cup fo chocolate and she replied yes, sure) sort of avoided me all night long. i was like, ok fine

    i showed my best self. i didn't get drunk nor take weed. even one of the girls living there asked me if i was ok just because i went to the bathroom a lot of times and i told her i didn't puke just peed. people from the other party expected me to get drunk again
    i didn't drink any alcohol (my choice):emoji_no_good: annd I was proud of it. I wanted to give the best impression of my true, easy-going self

    at the end of the party we were like 8 people left in the house. at some point, the girl who invited me and another girl started talking in their native language and all of the other people couldn't understand a thing
    then, while talking with each other they looked at me and i had a feeling they made fun of me somehow

    Honestly I don't even know why they fucking invited me a second time. They had a lot of people to come to the party, they could have avoided inviting me again. I didn't really talk with the girl living there who invited me. i sort of shared smiles with her during the parties but that's it. she was busy with her bf and with her circle of friends. didn't really make me wanna talk to her. They basically were asking me with their stares to leave the house

    it was 4am, i was the only sober there and wearing high heels (the others were still there and some of them including a guy that befriended or would be better to say he tried to fuck one of the girls living there had the permission to sleep over on the couch)
    so made me wanna leave shortly after and got home (i wanted to remove my heels and go to sleep warm)

    I scored contact details of 4 people at the party. i drunk a lot of Coke and juice, I feel asleep at 7am and i was still very much awake at that time. Def I had a lot of adrenaline inside of me. It was important to me to make it right and try my best to make friends and be sociable and I did it without having the support of another person, all by myself :emoji_muscle: I left the party with no regrets and overall happy, very proud of my behaviour :emoji_dancer:
     
  9. What do you think about it? Why did they invite me again at the party if they behaved like that? @SSGSSV77
     
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  10. If they didnt wanna speak with you then I think they wanted to make fun of you by inviting with the way its looking.. You said last time you were high as fuck & dont mind but in their view you would've done something funny which they found funny so invited you again to get themselves entertained & I think I dunno coz I wasnt there but I suppose it was like that.. I maybe wrong so I apologize in advance.. Better stay away from those who dont respect you.. Cheers & goodluck !! Thanks for asking though..
     
  11. thank you for replying, I appreciate it :)
    it is not the girls living there didn't want to talk to me. i talked with everyone at the party. that girl that invited me didn't really want to talk with new people other than her group of friends and her bf (in the balcony she got close to me, i was sitting on a chair there and she was there with her guy kissing or something like that like wtf go to your room or don't do it attached to me). she was behaving like the queen of the house. she cared more about making the party a success

    the other girls living there they talked with me but we didn't have so much common so the convo was quite boring but they were not too bad, 2 asked me once or twice if i were ok, i replied yes it was obvious i was sober (they weren't too nice people honestly). at the nye party i was just sitting on the floor with my back on the wall on my own between the door of a room and the bathroom door, my head was spinning. i was hiding and on my own. and before i talked but didn't really say odd stuff, i didn't do embarassing stuff

    they invited a girl i brought with me on nye party to this party (she made out in 10 seconds with a random guy on nye, then this guy on the balcony told me she asked him to be fucked in the bathroom. it could have been exaggerated or completely fake but basically she was a whore and gave it to him so easily. she wanted to kiss someone coz it was nye) i didn't like her how she behaved after so i decided to go with someone else at the party last night

    she was more appreciated by those people probably than me. like it was ok making out with a stranger and dry humping in front of everyone first time you meet people but getting drunk and high on weed, no it was shocking and not accepted. i don't understand it honestly

    almost all the girls with whom i talked to, complimented my dress. i could tell they were envious. most guys were attracted to me. when girls compliment about dress/makeup etc. they are envious coz you are more beautiful than them. so maybe that is what they didn't like me too much and i didn't dance like most of them at some point in the night while taking selfies. that is not my style at all. when guys say "nice dress" that is what they mean, there's no envy in their words, they are nicer

    i was trying to feel at ease, but noticed i didn't get respected so much in general. i am gonna re-read wayne dyer's books i have. It pissed me off coz i didn't get so much respected even though they felt just coz i got drunk once i was always like that or i had to be like the other girls (most of them at least) make out with random people and dance and take selfies

    it is like at 4am the girl living there wanted me out, not really the other people just me, i don't understand why just me. maybe i didn't become best friends with her who knows but those 2 girls in particular weren't really open to talk to meet new people. i said goodbye and good night to all the people there and left. probably they kept talking bad about me even more when i left saying who knows what. she didn't even talk to me. I wanna get respected 100% of the time by everyone. Working on that
     
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  12. Oh I see.. Yeah guys genuinely compliment when they find you nice/beautiful dunno about girls but yeah they might be jealous of you.. You held your integrity no matter what & didnt give shit about what others wanted from you & thats really commendable!! I think the one who invited you should ve spoke to you & shouldn't have done stuff sticking besides you.. Badmouthing is never cool & if you felt they were doing so then I think you're better off these people!! Maybe all were too drunk to understand what to do & what not to do.. I know you're young & wanna go to the parties & have fun but if I may, dont get me wrong though you should probably go to coffee shops/bookstore & try to socialize there more coz you might know what the people's choices are & whether they are common with you or not.. I know partying people in general are easy going but the people in coffee shops & all might have initial awkwardness but kind of be the best people in your life, you never know.. Ultimately, its you who gotta decide how to move forward with your life & we all can just suggest you.. Hope this helps, cheers & goodluck!!
     
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  13. Thank you for your support :emoji_blush:
    she was a cunt of the finest type. yh the girls were envious of me and fat or quite average, i could tell from the way they were looking at my dress i had bigger chest etc. so usually girls avoid girls that are more beautiful to eliminate competitors. i had a better time with guys even that night. some girls were fine though and i got along with them. having more guy friends is not bad, having a couple of female friends is ok but overall i prefer having male friends. they are more chill and nice to be around

    i cannot stand girls dancing while talking selfies. it was like if they didn't take a pic or did a video it didn't happen, they weren't really enjoying reality more about the likes they were gonna receive. it was sad to look at, truly. well, i went out of my comfort zone i had the courage to go there on my own and i showed that i could have a good time overall without changing who i am to be liked more. I like to be me, not gonna change my personality for anyone :emoji_ok_woman:

    today i saw a free yoga class and i will go there after work to relax and throw out some bad feelings the last part of the party gave me. only positive vibes :) :emoji_massage::emoji_blossom::emoji_bouquet::emoji_sparkles: I want to get tons of friends this year and a house party is technically the easiest way to get some. i am not really a party person but i decided to go to this party coz it was in a house and didn't have to spend money like in a club for alcohol (i lately drink 2 beers if i go to pubs max just on nye i did you go big or go home etc.) for bookstore and coffee shops they are nice and i love books for me my favourite bookstores are like my reign i love being there but can't really make friends easily as a house party with lesser people than a club so everybody talks with everybody. I will get more friends. i wanna live my life without my addictions at its fullest and cherish every single day i live. I wanna make it count and be happy
    below :emoji_joy:

    [​IMG]
     
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  14. You're welcome my friend !! :) Yeah guys are chill with basically anything, seriously haha.. Let them be jealous & fake who need constant approval about being liked.. I respect you for not giving into those fake, superficial things, taking selfies with shitty pout & filters hahaha :D & dancing.. You went on your own & held your integrity while having a relaxed time is good to hear!! Going out of our comfort zone takes a lot of effort & whole lotta courage!! Good for you :emoji_grinning: I know house parties are one of the easiest ways to make friends.. Good to hear you like to read books as well !! No need to hold on to negative vibes, you're too good for that shit haha ;) Yoga class sounds fun, stretching the body & feeling the endorphins running through the body.. You can also meet new people out there & make plans for further meetups as well !! I'm happy that you wanna live a healthy, fulfilled & happy life without addictions.. Hahaha that pic though :D:D
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 15, 2018
  15. yeah guys are no drama, no jealousy, no stabs in the back more safe space lol still would like a female friend or 2 though. i am saying girls taking selfies all the time, having the same kind of makeup looking the same, talking the same etc. it is like their own personality is gone and it is more a crowd of sheep and i felt the black sheep a bit coz i didn't care about that and i wanted to show my personality. I love what it is me (my sense of humour, my love for books etc.). all this technology kills human interactions. even a couple of years ago it wasn't like this. i was sort of slave of facebook or you don't exist stuff like that, on posting stuff but now i don't really post last time i did it was Halloween. i want to detach from that and focus more on the real life than our phones/tablets/laptops and looking at each other's faces

    I met a girl yesterday at the yoga lesson, she was nice
    i did relax a lot, i felt happy during and after. i really needed that :emoji_relaxed:
    i had negative thoughts that the party left me a bit and wanted to get rid of them
    sounds stupid but those 2 girls making fun of me that invited me there at the end of the party pissed me off and i took it bad at the same time also that they wanted to leave me so much and i left at 4am and got home at 6am in the cold with some guys that harassed me saying like "hey beautiful" while walking and minding my business. they couldn't see anything except my heels and coat. it wasn't a very good area and had to look around my surroundings.

    i felt upset also because the girl who invited was 22/21 or 20. basically max 6 years younger than me and being made fun of from a kid to me was embarassing. they looked like kids to me, really. at 26 now i think about committments in life about work uni, love in a different way than i perceived those things even a year ago but i didn't give a fuck at all when i was 21. now i am more matured, i follow politics etc. it is normal when you are in your early 20s but now i am responsible also my reboot helped me but my age too. at some point you gotta grow up and stop doing bullshit and building something meaningful in your life. that is how i feel now

    i have been treated much better at house parties, especially from the ones hosting them. coz i though i have been nice and respectful of the house, why doing that? I am always a too nice person. always been this with everyone and wanna stop. wanna be nice to who deserves that and keep my head up at all times :emoji_muscle: at the party i focused more on talking with everyone than keep my head up
     
  16. a quote i saw on the app r tribe on Monday
    "Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm" :emoji_muscle:
     
  17. So sorry to hear about the people harassing you.. Better stay safe when wandering alone.. People in the alley are not good.. Better have your self defense game up anytime!! I'm glad you had a good time at Yoga & made a new friend !! Its okay to be pissed, the kid's just mean & doesnt understand & have empathy.. Leave her be.. Forgive & move on.. No need to hold on to the baggage, this party was a bit shitty in the end but overall it was good for you, next party with other people might be better !! Its good to hear that you're a nice person who respects others feelings & thinks before speaking!! Yeah social media's turning everyone to zombies these days, human interaction is going down day by day.. Anyways, as we grow up, we figure out our priorities so the things we used to enjoy or waste our time with seem meaningless now as our priorities have changed.. Happens with everyone & its part of growing!! I too feel the same these days!! :) Awesome quote about courage !! :emoji_ok_hand:Cheers & have a good day!!
     
  18. well, it is not flattering getting "hey beautiful" from a guy at 5am on my way home especially coz i didn't tempt him into any reaction, didn't show skin. but it was ok, i was walking in the main street. i know how to avoid dangerous situations so it was ok in the end

    i had an amazing time at yoga. def will get other yoga classes via groupon probably coz i don't wanna spend a fortune in that but still it relaxes me like nothing else. i did yoga years ago and i forgot the unique and quiet feeling after. i made peace inside my brain. it calmed me down so much (i released stress i had from work and other thoughts that not even gym can give me) and all the people after the yoga class had a big smile on their faces. it was beautiful. when the teacher gave us a blanket after meditation, he turned off the lights and we went to "sleep". one of the people actually fell asleep for how calm and peaceful he was and i could hear him snoring :emoji_joy:

    yoga helped me to forget and not feel angry/upset about the last part of the party and be ok and focus on my happiness and it worked perfectly:emoji_blossom: i just came back from a visit with a girl to a display of lights of artists and then we went to dinner. it was nice, i talked a lot, i did get along with her :emoji_sparkles:

    i am meeting tons of new people, it is great i feel 2018 is my year:emoji_princess: in 16 days of 2018 i have done more things and am having a better time finally i am able to enjoy things being an ex addict. life tastes much better. didn't know what i was missing. that quote is amazing coz it reminded me that i shouldn't have stopped at the first obstacle and give up but should have kept insisting in order to succeed:emoji_bouquet:

    never been a person obsessed with selfies though. there is an emptiness, laziness and lack of desire to cultivate our special personalities in today's society. we are more willing to swipe right to find someone to date/have s with than use the old-fashioned way our parents did. thanks have a good day :emoji_ok_woman: i will go to sleep soon:emoji_sleeping:
     
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  19. Yeah its never okay to be approached such creepily but you're a strong woman who can handle herself !! Glad you liked your yoga session & you revisited yoga again!! So its nice to hear that you're going out of your comfort zone & actually living & not just surviving!! Its awesome that you had such a wonderful time with your friend !! Yeah the technology has its boons & banes.. On 1 hand, it has brought world closer & made it advanced, on the other hand, it has distanced the person themselves.. Anyways no point in brooding over it & just get on towards a better life !! Cheers & good night my friend !! Have a goodnight's sleep & wake up refreshed !!
     
  20. yeah and technology brought us to nofap and i will always be grateful for this commmunity :emoji_sparkles: if i didn't have this, i would have most def went to s. addicts groups. i just wanted to talk with someone that really understood and went through the same shit as me, i couldn't keep my secrets inside me anymore

    thanks and keep going with your reboot, congrats on your 69 days :emoji_grinning::emoji_bouquet:
     
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