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How do PA’s really feel about their SO’s?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Unrealism, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. Jul 12, 2018 #1
    Unrealism

    Unrealism New Fapstronaut

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    Are your S0’s not attractive enough? Why the need to lust after alternatives?
    Is it that you like the comfort of a relationship but you would rather be having sex outside of it?

    If your SO was the most beautiful girl on the planet, would you then be able to commit fully to only her?

    I would really like some help understanding how the PA feels about their SO and how the porn becomes more important than the relationship...
     
    Unrealism, Jul 12, 2018
    Unrealism, Jul 12, 2018
    #1
    naonaise likes this.
  2. Jul 12, 2018 #2
    hope4healing

    hope4healing NoFap Moderator
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    If they are a PA, then no, they wouldn't be satisfied with even the most beautiful girl. It isn't about being satisfied with the appearance of any one person. In fact, many PA's think their wives are very beautiful, even more so than the ones in P. But, they don't get the same dopamine hit from looking at their beautiful wife as they do by looking at 100's or 1000's of different women in P. It's the variety and novelty that gives them the dope rush, and that is what they're addicted to...the dopamine overload. So, until they are in recovery and get their brains rewired to be ok with normal things that induce normal amounts of dopamine, they won't be able to be satisfied with only their SO.

    And, P is more important than the relationship to the addict part of them, and when they're continuously feeding the addiction, that's the part in control. The addict side will never care about any relationship. They have to take control back from the addict by no longer supporting the addiction. As the addiction begins to starve, the less control it has, and control is taken back by the 'self' (the opposite side of the addict).

    I hope this makes sense. I understand exactly what you're asking because I've been in that very same confusing place where you just want some kind of clarity to all this chaotic emotional mess. If I need to explain differently, let me know. I'm just now beginning to understand any of it myself after more than two decades.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
    hope4healing, Jul 12, 2018
    hope4healing, Jul 12, 2018
    #2
    Jennica, drewharbour, Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and 1 other person like this.
  3. Jul 14, 2018 #3
    Shamgar

    Shamgar Fapstronaut
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    I love my wife more than everything else on this earth. I would die for her without hesitation.
    However my love for her (and for God) was only a starting point in my recovery process.
    You can read a lot in this forum about several triggers that might lead PA's into P but it has nothing to do with the the desire or love we have for our spouses.
    When my triggers are hit (being sick or anxious) my brain seeks relief with dopamin. Thats it.

    My brain is not honest to me about the misery that I feel afterwards. It just yells for that dopamine kick.
    And again - this has nothing to do with the love for my wife.

    Porn soothes me for some minutes and then Im left with the misery.

    I have an inadequate example. Inadequate as the consequences of P are way worse than eating chocolate.
    Imagine an obese woman being on a diet for health reasons. Than there is this emotional difficult situation where this candybar seems to be the only solution. No more clear thinking. Just pure craving for chocolate ( or in my case for P).
     
    Shamgar, Jul 14, 2018
    Shamgar, Jul 14, 2018
    #3
  4. Jul 16, 2018 #4
    TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

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    Hi @Unrealism

    Addiction of all forms is insatiable. That means there is no earthly substance or matter that could substitute or replace and quell the urge. Any thought or action under the intent of addiction strengthens more addiction. It is like that with any negative motivation really. Take greed, for example. Any action or thought to accumulate wealth motivated by greed only strengthens more greed. Even though the person committing the act is thinking to themselves, "if I had this much money, I would feel safe/secure/powerful/whatever", it is a deception because greed is insatiable.

    When I started recovery, I was told that I had a "God shaped hole in me". I'm not referring to religion, I'm talking about spiritual fulfillment. I experience spiritual fulfillment in community (meetings, group prayer & meditation, intimacy with my wife (not just physical), playing with my daughter, ext). Those may seem like earthly things but, to me, there is an awareness of something bigger than myself, a presence I cannot explain.

    I want to point out one other thing in the question:

    It is subtle but there is an implication that an SO can satiate an addict's addiction. This puts the SO into the addiction equation. The SO becomes the object of satiation. The question comes from that point of view. It's a normal thought to have and way to feel but, as they say, "first thought wrong". This is the way I view it. When I fulfill my spiritual needs, I am a loving and committed husband and father, not "if my wife were different or I felt differently about her, I would be cured/sober/whatever".

    And, btw, yes, I find my wife beautiful and I'm super attracted to her. Still an addict. It's not about her.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
    TheMightyQuinn, Jul 16, 2018
    TheMightyQuinn, Jul 16, 2018
    #4

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