HOCD TOCD and Autogynephilia. *Trigger alert*

Hey bro, know you're not alone in this. Feel free to read my journal, @Roady's, or @modernstore99's. There are many people who've experienced autogynephilia, and your story mirrors my own in that I received that arousing feeling on seeing a woman with a dick for the first time. But once you get somewhat of an understanding of why this happens, it'll make a lot more sense. In this case, both of us got habituated to regular women in porn (think about the hundreds or thousands of nude women you had seen previously).

However, there are three prevailing theories as to why one would get an erection to the dick stimulus:

• 1. They are bisexual
• 2. They've got conditioned to the penis as part of the arousal cycle
• 3. Novelty

#1 is probably what keeps you up at night - worrying (that we me for a good year - on Reddit searching why I was addicted to trans porn). But when looking at specific cases, including mine and dozens of others on this website, #2 and #3 make the most sense. You've probably watched dozens of vanilla videos where there's an erect penis near a woman. In this way, you've been conditioned to associate an erect penis with sexual arousal. Because when you're watching porn, you're basically a voyeur (I'd be interested to see similarities between the brain's reward circuitry in voyeurs and in hardcore porn watchers). Novelty is the other theory. You've been jacking off all day long to women with vaginas, and you've even narrowed your interests to women with big boobs and asses - indicating your habituation to your original sexual preference. But now you've got this women with a dick attached to her - that's pretty crazy. It surprised me the first time I saw it, and I thought at first I wanted to find it again because it didn't make any logical sense. But I've come to realize that the habituation experienced by porn watchers causes us to escalate to this genre especially to get a larger sexual rush.

I recommend you read Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson if you haven't already. Just having this knowledge of why this occurs made it something I felt much more prepared to handle.

 

Many of us have done things to ourselves that we feel are degrading, depraved or go against the fabric of who we are. You’re not alone in that.

But offing yourself is not the answer. The answer is to put forth the effort and beat this. It is a long road, with failures and successes, but it can be done.

 

Hi young man,

This is very heavy stuff isn't it?
Your curiosity was leading you to some weird kind of p0rnography, and now you seem to have serious life issues to deal with.

You are not alone in this.
When I was your age, I did the same things, had autogynephilia fantasies and acted that out sometimes with crossdressing.
You are ringing some alarm bells at a very young age, and that is your luck.
You already know that continuing the way you are walking (giving into your urges) will lead to a totally dead end.
There is just one way to overcome this: to cut it out of your life completely.
Yes that means that you will have to ignore your longings and urges to search for the same stuff over and over and over, until you grow out of the gravity of the kinds of porn that you are now hooked on.

In the mean time you eventually can think about your home situation.
Being the reason your parents stay together sounds horrible in my ears.
A son should receive all the love and affection from his parents he needs.
From my own experience I discovered that particular porn usage had to do with the emptiness my father left inside of me. I tried to fill an inner gap with the AGP and porn, but that didn't never work.

Over the years I found other ways to fill my inner emptiness.
And today I don't need to revive the AGP fantasy any more, while the usage of porn is behind me.

It would be a great idea if you should visit a sort of confidant at your school.
Or if you should find a skilled therapist to talk to.

In the mean while nofap can be a great way to deal with your feelings and confusion.

Check out my journal, I wrote a lot there how I grew out of my addicted life.

If you start working to leave your porn usage, you will be happy with a year again.
Than you will see: it was only porn, a mistake I made.

 

I suffer from the same problem. I constantly wonder if I am transgender or not. I was normally always a man but after transgender pornography these thoughts started to come, unfortunately they are ruining my life...

 

If you haven't already, please look at Roady's journal and the threads he's created, modernstore99's, or mine. You may find some similarities with your own issues
.

 

The wide availability of not just vanilla porn, but a huge array of fetish porn has caused many of us, over time, to stray into areas which we regret. We get confused because after the temporary thrill of PMO to such material, we later feel all kinds of negative emotions like guilt, shame, remorse, confusion. We find ourselves wondering who we really are, and how we could spend so much time looking at such nauseating stuff.

What we don't realize is much of it has to do with the conditioning of porn itself on our brains. I bet if you think back to before you were ever exposed to trans porn, you will find it's not something you ever even considered - like most of us you probably just wanted a cute girlfriend. This would be your natural, pre-porn state, and if you stop all porn, you will likely return to it, and feel much better about yourself in the process.

There are other issues which can be involved such as low self-esteem, loneliness, alcohol/substance abuse, frustrations with daily life, etc. (all things I know well). If you can cut back on the porn, and work on improving yourself and your life, there is hope for recovery. Don't give up yet buddy, there is a lot of support and wisdom here if you seek it out. Others before you have overcome much worse than you've described.

 

Hi man,
I'm glad to hear you have made some good steps!
I hope you will continue to take the right steps. And that you will be able to leave your porn usage behind you.

For me personally,
I'm porn free, and my AGP fetish is also behind me.
So yes, it's certainly possible.