Help! Spiralling out of control and spent $110 on my addiction

Deleted Account · Oct 19, 2023

I tried 12 step meetings and everyone there judged me like they are better than me me because they’re less addicted than I am. Here’s my biggest problem. Sissy hypno gave me a fetish for nail polish, petrol, paint, basically anything that gives off fumes. And whenever I get horny I start searching for these things around the house and I want to inhale them. It’s a paraphilia. I do this because I’m stressed, depressed, feel worthless, and feel a variety of negative emotions, yet I can’t feel pleasure from everyday activities which should reduce stress naturally because my dopamine receptors have been nuked from years of watching porn. Those articles on Google about addiction always tell you to replace the addiction with a healthy activity. Yeah, how am I supposed to do that, when in the moment I get so horny and stressed that I go and look for those things because nothing else relieves my stress except by acting out sexually such as watching porn and getting a dopamine hit?

Deleted Account · Oct 20, 2023

So last night I played video games and watched YouTube. I had a lot of fun. All my stress was gone. I was 1 day on NoFap. Then this morning I watched porn for 4 hours and 15 minutes when I took
my phone from the dining room and disabled the porn blocker. And I talked to this woman about buying her handbag on Facebook marketplace for $55 and how I’m going to send her the money tomorrow morning. I got rid of my iPads, got rid of stuff that I knew was holding me back from quitting. I’ve prayed to God every night for the past few months and nothing is happening. The only thing left to do is sell my smartphone but that’s pretty hard in 2023. I may as well numb my emotions and do whatever it takes to leave this house permanently. Only God is on my side.

fusion47 · Oct 20, 2023

Warrior838 said: ↑

So last night I played video games and watched YouTube. I had a lot of fun. All my stress was gone. I was 1 day on NoFap. Then this morning I watched porn for 4 hours and 15 minutes when I took
my phone from the dining room and disabled the porn blocker. And I talked to this woman about buying her handbag on Facebook marketplace for $55 and how I’m going to send her the money tomorrow morning. I got rid of my iPads, got rid of stuff that I knew was holding me back from quitting. I’ve prayed to God every night for the past few months and nothing is happening. The only thing left to do is sell my smartphone but that’s pretty hard in 2023. I may as well numb my emotions and do whatever it takes to leave this house permanently. Only God is on my side.
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Good luck bro. Im not the best at giving advice but im in the same boat. Giving up our coping mechanisms (PMO) seems pointless because we'll never be happy anyway, so why not numb the pain? I wish i had a good answer. All i have is that small voice in the back of my mind that wants the best for me. Its the only thing keeping me from falling apart. You probably have something similar, since youre on here and mentioned praying. Maybe take a day, turn off the lights and just pray for a long time. Talk to God, ask for clarity. Remember what God would want for you, and what you want for you. Give yourself a break from PMO. You can tell it "some other time, im spending today with the Lord". The key is patience. Porn stole my life. I'd rather die feeling like a man free of addiction than to keep living as a slave to porn. Im done. I want someone to love, and someone to love me. I cant have that if im a degenerate addict pervert. Find what you want to live for. Make it happen. Its worth it.

GeorgeJetson · Oct 22, 2023

Warrior838 said: ↑

I tried 12 step meetings and everyone there judged me like they are better than me me because they’re less addicted than I am. Here’s my biggest problem. Sissy hypno gave me a fetish for nail polish, petrol, paint, basically anything that gives off fumes. And whenever I get horny I start searching for these things around the house and I want to inhale them. It’s a paraphilia. I do this because I’m stressed, depressed, feel worthless, and feel a variety of negative emotions, yet I can’t feel pleasure from everyday activities which should reduce stress naturally because my dopamine receptors have been nuked from years of watching porn. Those articles on Google about addiction always tell you to replace the addiction with a healthy activity. Yeah, how am I supposed to do that, when in the moment I get so horny and stressed that I go and look for those things because nothing else relieves my stress except by acting out sexually such as watching porn and getting a dopamine hit?
Click to expand...

That's unfortunate you feel as if you were being judged. I can promise you 100% that all the 12 step group members I see every week have zero interest in judging...and the idea of them being "less addicted" just isn't a thing. Regardless, I'm sorry you felt that way at the meetings. I would suggest trying different meetings and forget about comparing...put yourself out there and ask for help.

The idea of surrendering to my addiction and working the steps with a sponsor is truly the primary driver behind my recovery. NoFap is a great tool, but the 12 steps is where my recovery lays.

Thanks for your transparency and letting the group know how you feel. I can relate to the hopeless feelings. It's soooo frustrating and demoralizing. Keep us posted and feel free to reach out anytime.

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Help! Spiralling out of control and spent $110 on my addiction

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