hello! :)

Hi everyone,
This is my first post here and after spending the past few hours reading forums I am filled with hope for my (and my husband's) situation. It seems like a very supportive and real community - just what I have been searching for!

Sorry if this is wordy, just a summary about what I've been going through as the spouse of someone struggling with this addiction.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 1.5. I recently (in early October) found out that even after numerous discussions and me believing he was P-free for over 2 years, that he had in fact been PMOing regularly. He admitted to doing it in the bathroom with his phone in the early mornings as I was sleeping. Along with this information I also learned of him being attracted to and flirting with another woman at work (the actual flirting occurred almost a year ago, 8 months into our marriage and he no longer works there), as well as numerous lies and half-truths about his sexual history and previous relationships.
I am completely heartbroken. I don't know what is real and what is lies. Some days I can't eat, I wake up in the middle of the night crying from nightmares, and my body image and self esteem is at an all-time low. I regret to say that I came very close to leaving him when I first found out, and the betrayal and emotional turmoil that it has caused is still a daily struggle. I admit I am on the fence about whether to stay or go right now, the fear of being hurt and lied to again like this is overwhelming. I guess what is keeping me here right now is seeing that he IS trying. He sought out a therapist and has just started working through the "Out of the Shadows" workbook by Patrick Carnes. He says he will be attending group sessions in the new year as well. As far as I know he is about 60 days P-free, but I am not sure about M, I haven't asked. Honestly I didn't really realize that going M-free might be necessary, this is all relatively new and I'm still learning. His therapist told me last week that there will be a 40-day celibacy period for the "rewiring" or "reboot" as I see it is referred to here, where he will be expected to not orgasm at all, no PMO or sex with me. I'm not sure when this will start...I'm quite nervous about it, as I'm doubtful of his capabilities right now, but trying to be supportive. I do realize we are early in the recovery process so I'm trying to be hopeful, relapses might happen, (which I am trying to prepare myself for) I'm just very afraid of more lies.
My husband has been away for the past few days and tonight I have been struggling with the insecurities and negative thoughts popping up. Sometimes I feel very stupid for staying with someone who could lie like he has, but then I think it would also be very stupid to leave and throw away everything we have together without trying my very best to forgive and support him to see how much better things might be on the other side of this pain.
Reading success stories on this site has been a real help, so thank you all for your honesty and openness here! I am excited to share and learn from everyone here!

I will be sharing this site with my husband, whether he decides to join or not I definitely will be a frequent visitor, it has helped me so much already!

 

Thank you! I really hope he does join, I plan to suggest it to him when he comes home this week.

 

Thanks!

 

Thanks for the feedback - it's helpful to know that I am not crazy or prudish to be upset about this and that there are other couples out there navigating similar problems good luck to you as well!

 

Thank you Gaston. Not sure what someone like that is doing on nofap lol!