So the last few months have been problematic at best. Lots of good but lots of bad. Most of which is that I lost my home because of the greed of others and found myself moving in with my girlfriend. Not that big a deal, I love my girlfriend, love her 2 daughters, love living with them. My girlfriend has known about my porn issues from our second date and has been more than supportive. All should be good right? Well all my stuff is in boxes, I dont have a workshop to build in anymore and I can't sit and watch movies anymore. I have a deep seeded love of movies, I study them, learn them and it helps me "recharge" in a sense. I love building things and had grand plans for making a living in a few years with my woodshop, both with sales and charity work. There is not room in this new house for about 99 percent of my stuff, she just bought the house so it's kinda here to stay. This has all lead to an increase in thinking about porn again, even doing google searches without masterbation or orgasms. My brain has been shifting thought to porn being the last thing that is mine, since losing mostly everything. I can easily watch porn at work on my phone real quick, simple. I don't have anything that is mine anymore and can't do anything that used to bring me such joy and help with my depression. I don't want to watch porn again, dont want to betray my girlfriend with porn and finding my own place again is not an option. Loosing my home suddenly and in the way it happened was a real messed up thing that did not leave me anything. I'm struggling with the new order, not sure what to do to help myself anymore.
Any chance of having a shop somewhere else close? Planning to start a business can keep your mind occupied for sure. Just a thought.
That was the plan, to move in together down the road and have a shop built on her property by the time we are ready with money I had in savings. She has an awesome property with lots of room ripe for a big woodshop. Unfortunately now it's to late, my old shop is gone, I burnt through a big chunk of my savings in the move and now supporting half of a lot of new bills. I can't rent a space for a woodshop. I can see building one in a few years, like 10, maybe. But not now. I had the plans for my business all planned out and was starting getting it going, now all those plans are dust.
Guess it dont matter anyway, I relapsed this morning. It feels like it should, like shit and I wanna die. This was not the part of my old life I wanted back. I want to watch a movie and build something. Now I wanna die though.
Take a deep breath. To do this without a stumble or relapse is rare. Think of positive things you can do and pour yourself into them. Avoid being alone.
That's just it there is nothing positive to do anymore. I also work alone, my job is totally isolated to me fixing up apartments alone. I get relapses happen, this is my second in a year, for my first I had a lot of resources to help bounce back, stuff to build and things to watch. Now I'm just going to go to my girlfriend's home and have to explain to her that I relapsed because I'm a fucking selfish asshole. Then it's a wait to go back to work tomorrow and fucking hate my job and hate the people who stole my home.
Rough times can't last long. Tough times don't last, tough people do. Keep moving through the pain, make a plan, get things done..... never be a victim, know that no matter what the circumstance is, you can turn it to your advantage. Own your circumstances, work to make the best out of it. You've got to be a strong man for your woman. Let bygones be bygones. Plan out your day, work out that plan. You must not escape into the porn delusion. You know better.
I would love to let bygones be bygones, those bygones got big fat checks for selling a beautiful family legacy, got rich for all the hard work I did over 12 years. Me, I lost my home, lost my stuff, lost my ways to cope and can't even afford to build a workshop. It's hard to let bygones bygones when people who dont deserve to even live get to keep on going, get rich off work they did not do and dont give a shit about the pain they cause others. I used to make stuff for charity events, making money for the children's hospital, they were pissed when I told them I can't make stuff anymore because I dont have the space. I get the blame, not the people who stole my shop, me, I end up the bad guy. What's the point of keeping going when your just gonna get fucked over along the way? Yeah porns a delusion, I feel like shit more now than I did before. But tomorrow I'm gonna get up, go to my shitty job and think all damn day that maybe the next time porn will make me feel better. Its something when I have nothing. I get that's a lie but there's not much else to do, eventually you walk into a wall.
You can't judge a man until you've walked in his shoes. I understand your pain Sir. Do what's best for you. Don't give up. I know I may sound stupid, but everything is going to be alright. Stay strong!
