Journal for a New Life

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Spitfirewho, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hello. Made my intro yesterday and hopefully keeping a journal for a while. Only recently found out just how big the nofap community is and after spending hours going over the forums here, I wish I had found this sooner.

    Porn has been with me for longer than is hasn't. I started watching before I was 8 and while I did not know what to do with porn yet I would sneak out of bed at night to watch cable porn that started at midnight. I enjoyed it a lot and then as the years progressed I figured out what it was for and masterbation became a whole new demon. Eventually I got a computer and the world of internet porn was even more shocking.

    Now I am 32, I don't have any friends, very much an adult virgin and have let life drive the steak of fear into me. Last year I made some big changes in my quest to retake my life. I have lost over 100 pounds and to my suprise with the diet I am on losing the weight was not as hard as I spent my life fearing. No longer am I letting toxic people pollute me with hate and guilt. I am putting myself slowly into more social situations. But the thing I had yet to address was my old friend porn and masterbation.

    When I changed my eating habits I lost food as my comfort and without realizing it began to seek porn more to make up for the high food gave me. I don't think I ever realized how much my masterbation habits affected me until my eating habits changed. I had been trying to loose porn for a while, I no longer have a computer out of fear of porn, I can't use my xboxone anymore because of porn and now I am close to getting ride of my tablet because I have begun making compromises with finding porn (f***ing twitter).

    With my weight goals almost reached I needed to address my porn issues so I can fully regain my life. I have tried going without before, my record is only 4 days so for now my goal is 5 days, not thinking ahead yet. This all goes towards my ultimate goal for 2018, meet women, hopefully have sex. Porn became a real excuse for not meeting women, not knowing how to meet them and not knowing how to be around them. Being social in general is hard for me so with some work I hope to change all this. But as I learned from my diet, missteps happen, sometimes traumatically so, but as I also learned those missteps can make progress feel so much better.

    So far 2 days down.

    Thanks and peace.
     
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  2. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hit day 3 and I found myself wondering if I am still indulging my addiction? I have not masterbated but I find myself still looking at nude women, not porn but artistic nudes. For over ten years I have been a member of Deviant Art, a great art site for all kinds of artistic ventures. I enjoy browsing the artistic nudes and while this has never traditionally been a trigger like hard porn, it has been known to cause me to indulge. This is a tough thing, I enjoy art and artistic nudes, the feminine form itself is very artistic. Am I still rebooting if I am browsing art? Guess I have to make a choice to understand if this is indeed a real trigger or not or if I can set it aside for a while as I reboot.
    Thanks and peace.
     
  3. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hit day 4 and found it more difficult than I remember. Four days has been my limit in the past and it is at day I begin browsing artistic nudes or thinking to scroll though some twitter searches. Eventually I start edging but pull myself back only to say "fuck it" and finish the process. After there is a high, a moment of pleasure and then sadness. Today I hit day 4 for the first time knowing about the nofap community and while it was difficult to pass my time without masterbating, I managed.
    Last night before bed I deleted over 2,000 images from my tablet that I had gathered from Deviant Art, all artistic nudes but still trigger the same. Deleting them was very difficult, I had collected a fantastic collection of bums, boobs and bods. But they needed to be gone. Usually I would look over a few images then go searching twiter for vids, usually lasting an hour. I cannot rid twitter from exsistance but as the days go on I hope to gain the confidence to resist the urge.

    Today was a tough one, the urge was there unlike day 3, but I managed to resist thanks to that amazing nofap panic button. Instead of lookingnfor porn I will hit that red emergency bar for hope. I needed one of those my whole life. The other thing that is in my mind? My goal. I have a goal for this reboot and she is amazing, even if I have not met her yet but when porn no longer holds me so, she will. She is very much part of the process to build I my life and learning to live without fear or shame. Rebooting is the start, she is the finish I hope gives me what I have been far to scared my whole life to experience.

    Thanks and peace.
     
  4. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 5 almost done. I knew day 5 would be a tough one. I told myself I would not give it the energy it wanted and just barely survived it. I awoke this morning as I always do, my alarm went off at 6am with the local morning radio show and what I found was what many guys find in the morning, a morning happy. It is not something I normally have unless I stop masterbating for a few days but today it was like a taunting thing knowing that day 5 is normally my failure day. It was a strange reaction that I had, weirdly emotional and strangely disheartening. All I wanted to do was masterbate, not even to porn but I knew what it would mean if I did indulge, I would masterbate when I got home from work, before dinner and after, then again before bed, simply because I already broke in the morning. I went to the amazing panic button on nofap and hit the emergency button for a while until I found this quote, "Fate whispers to the warrior, 'You can not withstand the storm.' The warrior whispers back, 'I am the storm." (Unknown to me QB Tom Brady sent out this same quote the day before, not a Brady fan but respect him as a talented warrior) With this quote I found some calm for the moment as my morning happy went away, then I realized I had wasted to much time trying to calm urges and was late for work. I raced to get ready and sat in my truck waiting for it to warm up, here I found myself still thinking of my urges and feared I would indulge at work (I work alone fixing rentals to rent so I am alone mostly). As I worried, again knowing day 5 was the day I could never get through before, I put on the song "Seize the Night" by Meatloaf and as in drove to work listened to it several times, screaming like a crazy person my favorite musical line ever, "in the heart of the city, a hero's waiting for the call. The angels waking up and the devils start to FALL." I played the 10 minute song five times before switching to the song "Shadows' by Future Islands and again screamed my favorite line, " these old shadows, they're just shadows." By the time I got to work my urges were gone and spent the day reading for paint but worried about when I got home. At home I managed to resist, use the panic button and take a nap until a PBS doc was on. All very tough, day 5 sucked but I managed, on to day 6, uncharted territory.
    Thanks and peace.
     
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  5. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 6 done and what a day it was. Yesterday was very much a resist against physical urges, today was a strange battle against the mental. I was prepared for another physical day, morning wood, physical needs and whatnot. But instead I was hit with a mental battle on an emotional level that was maybe worse than the physical. It was a punch I was not ready for, but I managed to survive. Now I am wondering what tomorrow will bring because everything after day 5 is uncharted waters and while I always wanted to be an explorer, this was not what I had in mind. Now I have set my sights on ten days without pmo and just hope the mental and physical urges don't gang up on me. Luckily my phone does not have a data plan and I only have WiFi at work every few days.
    Thanks and peace.
     
  6. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 7, 8, 9 went without a hitch, almost easy. No urges, no physical or mental urges. Fine. Then on day 10 I was looking through some old videos and found an old porn tape I had forgotten about. I watched it for a moment thinking, "no problem" then I put the tape away but it remained on my mind for a while until I thought maybe just a second more. Then I failed. Almost 10 damn days and it failed. I watched P, M and I O'd, now I feel like shit. Almost 10 days only to fail. My whole life has been failure and this is just another example of a failed life. But I will try again and again and again if need be. My new goal is firmly 30 days, I almost made it past 10, 30 will be hell but if I try and don't give up again I can make it.
    Thanks and peace.
     
  7. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 1 done again. Easy enough, did not think about PMO at all. Kept busy at work. But I did start to think negatively about my reasons for doing nofap. Am I worthy of my reasons? I have been alone all my life and don't want to be anymore but I worry that maybe its a curse. I have long said loneliness rots the soul, so does PMO. Can someone survive alone and without the one joy they had? Moving on to day 2.
     
  8. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 2 done again. Tough day. Depression has set in, but depression had been an old friend for a long time and as it sets in all I want is to PMO. Loneliness sucks and I have spent more time alone than I have not. Five years alone, without friends and without someone to talk with. Porn always made it better to be alone and without that last friend I have nothing left. Seems like relapse would help everything. I don't know.
     
  9. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 3 done. Today was fine. I reached outside my comfort zone and did something I never thought I would do, I made a phone call. Such a simple thing to make a phone call and something I have long felt was beyond me. It was not an easy thing, I was shaking, lightheaded and wanted nothing more than to hang up or throw up. The call was part of my long term goal for nofap, a goal to finally be free of certain fears and anxiety that has plagued me for a long time. When the call was over I was overcome with anxiety, fear and even may have hyperventilated for the first time in my life. I was so overcome with emotions and fear I took a long drive to calm myself. Normally I would PMO, but instead I simply focused on how happy I was to have done something so simple as make a phone call. My goal is still far away, but still withing my vision.
     
  10. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 4. F*** I hate depression. Yesterday had me smiling with doing something I never thought I would ever do, something leading to my goal. Today I find myself bummed and depressed again. Is this because of nofap or something else? Still resisted urges to PMO, and today was day 4, failure day but I did not fail. I managed to survive but I still find myself depressed. I sigh with hate at myself, my life and my future. The future ain't what it used to be yet I find myself depressed. I want a future.
     
  11. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 5, no fapping. Kind of my last free weekend for a while, I am starting to work weekends after this, all reaching for my goal in a few months. All my weekends for the past few years have been the same, movie, PMO, movie, PMO, movie, PMO. Seriously three or four PMO sessions on both Saturday and Sunday, wow. Now they are a little worse without PMO, movie, movie, movie. So after this weekend I decided to begin working weekends to help keep my mind off everything. Since loosing my weight I have started having more energy, so why not work weekends? I don't have any friends, I have seen every movie under the sun (some above the sun as well) and frankly my couch is very uncomfortable these days. I live in Washington state so winters are cold and rainy with some rain sprinkled in for good measures, so walks or hikes are out of the picture right now. Work helps, I hate my job but its better than sitting around waiting to fap.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2018
    IWillQuit likes this.
  12. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 6 done. The days seem longer than they did when I hit day six before. Seems like ten days flew by before, now they seem longer as I approach 10 days again. Less urges than before but longer. Weird. It is weird how the urges are slowing down, I still want to PMO but I don't. Tough to explain. My nofap goal is firmly 30 days and when I hit 30 (and I will hit 30) I will think about where to go from there. No point in planning so far ahead just yet.
     
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  13. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 7 done. Last Sunday off for a while but it does not bug me much. Weekends are boring now and just a time for urges to take over. On the plus side it has been a week since I relapsed and I have not thought about it much. Seems like its getting easier to not think about PMO. Trying to continue to balance nofap and my diet though, overeating and PMO seemed to always go hand and hand. Also wondering when the confidence boost and benefits of nofap is going to kick? Patients for me has never been a virtue but with some work I can overcome my problems and be patient about the benefits.
     
  14. awakening now

    awakening now Fapstronaut

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    In my experience browsing sites like DeviantArt, ModelMayhem, PurplePort, 500px, Flickr, Instagram, Tumblr, is the same as looking at porn for us.

    My own tastes got more softcore as I got older, perhaps as my sexual energy/libido lowered with age. I wouldn't watch anything hardcore and instead I would seek out these perfect softcore women.

    It was no less part of my addiction it was just it had changed shape. We're still getting that blast of dopamine and looking for sexual satisfaction from pixels.

    Anyway, good luck buddy!
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2018
  15. A1exV

    A1exV Fapstronaut

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    Really impressed by the courage and changes you've made already. Sounds like you have had a rough ride, perhaps not been surrounded by the most supportive of people, perhaps people that have caused you to feel shame about yourself and your sexuality, something I can relate to. I mean, if we had healthier relationships with our sexual selves, why wouldn't we seek out real life sexual partners instead of porn? Have you thought about counselling to help you continue on the path you're on?
     
  16. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hey thanks. Yeah at first I did not think much about my Deviantart browsing but quickly learned I had to stop, which was a bummer more so than full on porn. I enjoy lots of different art but nudes were always most enjoyable. Deleted my bookmarks for Deviantart and all but it defiantly caused a chaser effect. Good luck to you.

    Thanks. Counciling is a long term goal but for now I am doing the work for myself because I have kind of always depended on others for the wrong kind of help. That and also my social skills are not the best yet and even trying to reach out to a therapist is a difficult thing. So I have to work on my social first for myself. One step at a time and ridding myself of porn is a big one that leads to others.
     
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  17. A1exV

    A1exV Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely, going at your own pace is the most sustainable way forwards for sure. I have found counselling very helpful, if anything it has given me a safe space to speak about things that I would not usually be comfortable sharing with others, even people close to me. Good luck my friend.
     
  18. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Day 8. No PMO. Depression instead. I always had PMO to help with depression and without it I feel it more than ever. Mostly the loneliness the has haunted me for a long time. I keep thinking about an old friend who I have not talked to over 10 years. He is the same age as me, recently married an amazingly beautiful woman and has a kid, a beautiful family. We are the same age yet our lives took different paths since highschool, he had friends in his 20's, I did not, he knew how to date, I did not, he was not addicted to porn, I was. It drepesses the f*** out of me thinking about his awesome life that led to his family, then depresses me more how I will never have any life close to it. We all have only so much time, some shine brightly like my old friend, others like me can't even get a flame going. We suffer alone and depressed. Trying to move on.
     
  19. A1exV

    A1exV Fapstronaut

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    I feel you man, seems unfair sometimes.
     
  20. apprentice

    apprentice Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to a lot of what you're experiencing. I'm a single guy of 34, living alone and spend most of my free time watching movies, sports and PMOing. Feel like I'm wasting all my time and watching life pass me by.

    My streak since puberty is also only 5 days. Congrats on your new streak BTW.

    Despite getting on well with my work colleagues, I also have no friends that I socialise with. A few years ago, I was in town and recognised a guy I went to school with. He's married with 3 kids now. He rattled off a list of other people we knew from school, all married or with partners and kids. Even the ones that don't have kids seem to have no trouble finding partners and / or have lots of friends.

    I want friends, I want a girlfriend, but I've been a loner for so long, it feels like it's just not possible to be any different. I'm so chronically shy and have no courage.

    But then I (as I'm sure you do too) am able to look at things in a positive way. We have more going for us than a lot of other guys, I'm sure. You have a job, money, etc, and care about self-improvement. A lot of women would consider you a good catch if you really think about it.

    One step at a time and we'll get there, bro. Keep the faith and as the 'Ultimate Warrior' used to say, always believe!
     

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