Has anyone done this too?

Hi I'm new to NoFap. This is my first time doing something like this, so I'm not exactly sure what to do, but I want to tell my story. I apologize if this is not in the correct forum, if it's not can you redirect me. I want to know if anyone has done what I've done before, or what people think. So I'll start from the beginning....

I first started looking at p when I was around 11 or 12 when I was looking up something for a school project. I was interested and curious so wanted to look. At that point I was only looking at pictures on Google, I wasn't looking at videos yet. Once I looked up p for the first time, I kept wanting to go back and look at more. At that time, I did not m to p yet, I was just looking because I just couldn't get enough of looking at "chests". Even after my parents caught me, I still would look up p. Not as much as I did because I didn't want to get caught again, but it still didn't stop me.
I didn't m until I was in my sophomore year of high school. And I only did it then because I was stressed about an exam and I wanted to 'relieve' some pressure. I didn't m to p that first time, but I would more later.

After I had finally done m, I did m more often. To p, to movies with with nudity, to TV shows with girls, to p magazines. I maybe did once a week, I don't really remember exactly. But once I was 18 I did m more; and almost always to p. Because after I was 18 and I was going to community college, I got a laptop. So I started to watch p more, and do m more. I probably did m-ing to p multiple times a week. I didn't have a girlfriend all through high school, which I couldn't understand why, so maybe I felt that p was my only way to get the sexual pleasure that I needed.

I watched a lot of p; I'd look, and look, and look until I found a video that I liked, and then I'd finally m. I don't know if I just liked the hunt for a new video, or if I just really needed something new because I just couldn't get enough. Through all my looking, I'd find certain girls that I liked to watch. So my searches would become more specific to follow certain women in p. That would also lead me to other girls that I liked so I'd go down the same rabbit hole and look up videos on them too.

While at community college, I met a girl that I really liked, and had a crush on her almost instantly. For once in my life, there was a girl that showed interest in me. She has told me since then that she didn't like me in the beginning, but that I was very nice and persistent. So maybe it was just me being a pest that she said yes to us going on a date. I didn't care, I finally was going on a date; I was excited. She asked me early on if I had ever looked at p or not and I said no. I lied because I was to ashamed to tell her the truth. The truth that I had looked at p all the time. But when I started going out with her, I didn't want to look at p anymore, because of her. I wanted to stop because I knew it was wrong. And I did, I wasn't looking up p at all for a long time. Because by that time her and I were have s, so I didn't want, or need to look at p. Now there were some times that I did look up p, but they were far and few between, not like what I had done before.

We had been seeing each other for a number of years before I proposed. But two weeks before I did, I tried to break up with her. Something happened that upset me and made me question whether or not I wanted to go through the proposal; that I wanted to be with her forever. She knew something was up that night, she thought I was going to propose, little did she know I was getting ready to pull the rug out from underneath her. She was caught so far off guard. I felt so terrible for what I had done; I realized I didn't want to let her go, even though she was the one trying to fight to keep us together. I didn't want to hurt her like that again. I went through with the proposal a couple weeks later, and she did say yes.

Heading up to the wedding and even after, we didn't have "s" that much anymore. I don't blame her for why she didn't. I mean, who would want to have "s" with someone who tried to break up with them? She carried that hurt with her leading up to our marriage, and after. She also has medical problems, so she can't always have "s" either. After we were married I could count on one hand the number of times we had s. I was getting upset with getting turned down all the time. And I know sometimes it wasn't her fault, and I understood that, but it still hurt to get denied. I hated getting my hopes up, just to be shot down. So somewhere around that time I made a conscious decision to stop thinking about us having s. To stop the pain of not being able to, to stop getting my hopes up, and to stop asking so both parties would not get upset about the situation it would create. It was just easier to not think about it, then it was to deal with it. And it worked. We wouldn't fight about it anymore, it didn't create awkward situations where I'd want to and she either didn't or couldn't.

I'd m with her to get off. There would also be times that I'd m with just myself. I would also look at p from time to time, but not that often because I would still m with her sometimes. But there was also this girl at my work. She was cute, had nice a "chest", she'd say hi every so often. We didn't talk all that much, and when we did it didn't get much past how our days were going. I'm not sure what started it, if it was the fact that she was just nice to me, or what, but I started to think about her when I m-ed. And then at one point I wanted to f her too. I never did anything physically and she never knew I thought about her or wanted to f her, but I just wanted the s. I wasn't having any with my wife, and I wasn't giving the thought of us having s anymore, so I guess I just thought of having it with someone else. Which was wrong. My wife instead was trying to work on us, to get to the point where she wanted to f me again, but I was too busy thinking about f-ing someone else because I just wanted s. I was a damn pig that just wanted s, s with someone because I thought they were cute, I kind of liked her, and she had a nice chest ,. Im not sure exactly when I stopped having thoughts about this other girl, it might have been when I just wasn't around her anymore because I didn't work in the same building. But I haven't thought about her, or m-ed to her in a while. Either way though, it was still wrong, I see that now, and I violated my wife's trust, but I didn't tell her.

By the end of the same year, my wife got sick and ended up breaking her rib from coughing so much. She wasn't able to go back to work for a while. It got worse from there. We found out that she had bleeding in her one lung and that she needed to have surgery to find out more of what was going on. It was a difficult time. I was so scared, upset, and worried if she was going to die or not. I started to worry if she was going to be around for much longer. After the surgery, I was with her at the hospital all the time. Once she was finally home, because she was in and out of the hospital several times until she was finally discharged, of course I still had urges. But with her in this state, I didn't dare ask anything of her. I felt so guilty for asking for anything s related because I figured that was the last thing in the world she wanted to do. I wanted to give her that respect and not put that on her. So I started watching p again. I was probably watching p once a week and m-ing once a week, maybe twice. I was never trying to replace her, it wasn't because of what the medicine or Cushing's had done to her body. I just wanted to m to get it done and over with, and p made that a lot easier and faster. I don't want to look at p anymore, I never wanted to have thoughts about another woman. I hate myself for what I have done to my wife, I wish I could just press a reset button. My wife knows everything now, and it makes me so upset that I betrayed her so badly.

Can anyone relate? Does having a problem with p, ever make you want to think about other women even if you have a girlfriend or wife?

 

I agree, I have had an easier time letting go of watching the p, but my struggle has been the ogling and now the flashbacks since I'm being honest with myself and my wife. Thank you for the advice, the article, and the link to your husband's journal.