For the PAs- from an SO..... wake up.

So I had another thread and I realized alot of what I posted is something every PA should hear bc I come from ALL perspectives of this disease... the other woman, the addict, the significant other of an addict.... You all need to realize what your SO is doing for you. Your story isnt the same as mine but to put in some perspective. If your SO was a heroin addict, would you want her to get help? Would you sit there while she used, stole from you, lied to you, and chose heroin over you? Porn is equally equivalent to heroin with its affects of dopamine on the brain.... Noone is saying that you're going thru a hard time... but instead of offering suggestions when you're recovery clearly isnt in the right place, I thought I'd break it down a little further by posting my previous response as it has alot in it that may open some eyes. And by no means am I playing victim here, but you know what? I'm suffering too... and THAT in itself is always forgotten and put on the back burner. My PA used to be amazing to me, hes an amazing partner and man when he wants to be. And let me make it known before I retype this, that my PA SO didnt use porn even daily, but the affects were astronomical to his life... now heres mu response.


So for the guy who said my husband would feel babied and I'm not trying to build trust back, first off, my husband agreed to the software 100% bc he said he was DONE, and bc I became so depressed that I was completely disassociating from life (still do, yesterday was one of those days). For the record here, I'm very aware that he can figure out a way to break it. I'm extremely tech savvy and I've even gone as far as uploading his incognito history on the computer by bypassing his firewall and was able to see every single uploaded website. At that point my husband knew I was able to do this and he told me EVERYTHING which was on D-Day. I'm working extremely hard towards my husbands recovery and trusting him again. So much so that hes still in charge of finances even though he was going to buy an escort when I was pregnant and we were low on rent.... yeah... so much so, that I dont question where he goes or what he does, all I ask is that if he relapses to tell me. If you think I enjoy hearing that he chose porn over me then think again. I'm going to play devils advocate on here for all the SOs so maybe you'll understand this just a LITTLE better..... I never, repeat NEVER had an issue with porn until my SO.... before I met him, we were both drug addicts and we met in early recovery, that being said, early in my addiction I was a stripper. I worked in the ADULT industry. Yes, I was the "other woman" for men with this issue.... I also have an addictive personality and I myself have struggled from addiction to Orgasms since I was 3 years old from trauma in my life. (Without porn)- Oh, and I'll even advocate that in some relationships even when married you're each entitled to your privacy, etc etc. HERES WHERE MY PROBLEM IS...... My SO, is a COMPLETLY different person when he uses. And honestly if you PA's actually knew the logistics behind porn addiction then youd understand what I say when I say that it's literally the same thing as heroin or crack... and I would know. PERSONALLY. I tried incorporating porn into my marriage several times, giving him what he wanted.... The problem is he becomes none empathetic to me and my feelings, he becomes so unmotivated that he procrastinates with EVERYTHING with his life till it explodes in his face and I'm left to pick up the pieces. He becomes nasty and cold to me only giving affection when he wants to fuck. He stops eating, cant breathe, his overall health is in shambles due to this.... He is short with everyone, angry, miserable, and depressed 24/7. His self confidence is so low that he would rather die then breathe. Hes mean to his kids, and has zero patience. NOW HE HAS OPENLY ADMITTED TO ME THAT HIS ADDICTION HAS CAUSED ALL OF THIS..... he loves us, wants to be with us, wants a good life. Aspires to be a nurse, as he now works in a treatment center. His problem comes directly from childhood trauma- he was molested by an older woman when he was 12. So, that's made him progressively over the years without actually acknowledging it, that he hates women. ALL women. But the ones that he will target the most is the ones closest to him. But on the flip side, you would think hed be nicer to me bc of the porn from seeing other women get objectified. But no, it fuels him to be so mean to me that I literally get suicidal at times. So you PAs gotta stop acting like this is just some light thing that is SOs overreact to. It does the exact same thing that heroin does to the brain... look it up if you dont believe me.... and trust when I say this bc I used to be an addict, all addicts behaviors are the same whether its porn, heroin,alcohol, ciggarettes.... lying to conceal something that you are unable to let go of, not bc you dont love the ones that make u want to quit, but he you dont know how to actually cope with life or feelings. Its a coping problem, not a porn problem. BUT to get back to my point, I cant rebuild trust with my SO if he cant be honest. Again, I dont like hearing that while he was a total fuckimg dick to me all morning and left me to go to work with 2 babies, one with autism who cant communicate and not giving a shot that I'm sick, that he goes to work and runs one out to some porn, or that hes struggling wanting to do so after I clean the house for 7 hours take the kids by myself so he can get sleep, and make him breakfast in bed, NO I DO NOT LIKE HEARING IT. But recovery AS I KNOW, WILL NOT HAPPEN WITHOUT HONESTY, OR ACCOUNTABILITY. Relapses dont have to be a part of everyone's story but they're so common and its OK that it happens bc you know what. You WILL not stop until you actually want to and WILL not stop until you reach rock bottom. In my eyes, its OK if he relapses bc I'm willing to be there and hold his hand thru and and help him. What's not ok, is treating me like garbage to justify relapsing, relapsing, then tellingme I'm fucking psycho for HIS behavior that hurts ME and my kids.... He has to work as hard at his recovery as he did to hide his addiction or he wont get anywhere, do a 12 step program. He also needsto learn to trust and communicate with me more, and be able to tell me what hes feeling so i can help. I'm not trying to "babysit" my SO.... I'm trying to help him become the man he wants to be that hes never had the pleasure of becoming bc of his issues. The man hedoesnt ever believe he can be and IS deep inside. IM WILLING TO BLEED AND SACRIFICE MY WELL BEING TO DO SO..... BC I LOVE HIM AND BELIEVE IN HIM.... when will you guys realize all that we are doing for you? Not until you actually have a what they call "spiritual awakaneing" This is a coping and thinking problem.... a brain problem.... And I'm the one being directly affected. Even my husband said its affecting mE more then him....