Female SOs

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by cakeinacrisis, Nov 3, 2018.

  1. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Have any of you ever felt like you partner has "mom" issues?

    My husband will take up for his mom no matter what. She could call me the antichrist & he'd agree.

    I've always felt a weird jealousy thing with her, but can't quite describe it. She's completely unempathetic to me, in fact, says I'm part of the problem.

    I feel like mommy dearest might have caused some of these issues in my husband. Or, she could just really hate me, but that's stupid bc I'm a pretty decent human.

    I found it odd, when I was pleading with her to stop enabling her son by blaming me for the addiction, that she kept saying "I don't want to get into your marriage; you two have always had problems"...I couldn't get her to stop blaming me long enough to realize, 'oh snap, my son needs help & his wife is saving his ass; I better listen & help her instead of blaming her'...

    There's some Oedipus Complex going on, or something.....

    Thoughts?
     
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  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    For all the issues we have had, this is one we don't. We literally moved hours away two days after we got married due to his job and it was THE best thing we could have done. My MIL was very meddling and we probably would have been divorced within that first year if we had stayed in the same area. Being away gave him the space to see for himself how dysfunctional his family is and how controlling she was. He has always taken up for me and defended me when she needed a scapegoat for whatever she got a bee in her bonnet about. We have a good relationship now, but he had to lay down those boundaries early on.

    But...both she and FIL caused a lot of emotional damage to my husband growing up, MIL especially, and he is working through that in therapy. He has not shared with his family about his addiction and has no plans to.
     
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  3. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    My MIL just moved back to town. Yay.

    At the very least, I'm learning how NOT to raise my own son. My baby boy is going to know his wife comes first & momma 2nd.

    I'm positive my MIL & husband are co-dependent on each other because of my husband's dad's cancer diagnosis & death. That's when his P use started. I'd put money on my MIL being emotionally unavailable for my husband during this time, when he needed his mom the most.

    I say this with experience. Since my own mother's cancer diagnosis & husband's dday reveal, I have to really watch myself or I will zone out & do the same emotional unavailability to my own children.

    Exhausting.
     
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  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm very sorry about your mother. I know this is a very stressful time. I was dealing with my own cancer diagnosis when DDay happened here. I had zero empathy or care from my hubby during that scary time.

    I hear you. We moved back to the area 3 years ago, 18 years after we left. It stirred something in him being back near his family, which he didn't expect, and caused his PA to escalate big time. This is ultimately what led to my discovering it 2 years ago. While the last 3 years have been hell in varying ways, it has definitely opened up our eyes in how to help our daughter navigate her dating/college years, and how to help protect our son from what is out there. I was completely oblivious to all the things that were really there before. I mean, I knew it was out there, but the extent of how deep, how easy, and exactly how alluring it is floored me. I'm armed and educated now. So if nothing else, I am thankful for this experience to be able to know how to help educate and/or protect my kids.
     
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  5. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Ok. You just took 1st place in the women that handled some business category. I hope you are in the clear ❤ I can't imagine what went through your mind daily. Wow; just, wow.
    I find it a blessing in disguise. I have 3 year olds & I'm terrified of what virtual reality/sex fueled stuff will be available by the time they understand it.
    Thank God I'm aware enough now to know the very real dangers. I'm also finding the root of a lot of addictions stems from parent-child relationships. I feel like because of my husband's addiction & sticking through it, I've been given a secret manual on how not to eff up my kids to where they turn to addiction.

    Thank you for fighting so hard to be able to be here & share your experiences with others; a warrior
     
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  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm good. Second year in remission, hopeful to stay that way (next scan in December). I wasn't meaning to put the focus on me, which is why I rarely mention it. I only brought it up to let you know I can relate on a certain level. You are going through a lot right now and have a huge amount of stress. I've been through the toughest part so far, my husband is in recovery and we are putting our lives back together (he still needs help in the empathy dept though). You are just starting out and hopefully your husband beginning his journey to recovery soon with your healing starting, as well. But it will get better. Little by little. Baby steps. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers for you, your husband, your kids, and your mom.
     
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  7. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I might need to lean on you in the future, if that's ok ❤
     
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  8. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Of course!
     
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  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Care for my thoughts? I'm not a "Female SO"!
     
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  11. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    You're always welcome ;)
     
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  12. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Many of us addicts have been stuck at an emotional age of that when we experienced childhood trauma and/or the beginning of our addiction. If Mommy was our protector, then naturally, we would migrate to Mommy. In short, Mommy is an enabler and has been since his addiction began.
    Well looky here, you're part of the problem. Of course you are. It doesn't take much of a leap to figure out where his gaslighting abilities came from. I hate to point this out, but looks like dear Hubby is a "Momma's boy". If she were to view this objectively, she'd understand that this is all his responsibility. Does she even know the truth? Or does she only know what he has told her?
    Well, not so fast. She just may be extremely jealous that you took her little boy away from her and she holds some resentment toward you for it. If she hates you, that's on her. Not you. I'd be so damned sweet to her, sugar wouldn't melt in my mouth. Whatever your interaction toward her, maintain respect, maintain civility, and always take the high road no matter what tunnel she takes underneath.
    Then "STFU"! If you don't want to get into our marriage, STFU! Also, "...you two have always had problems..." is not because of anything you have done, but because of all the shit he has done. Actions have consequences. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. You are reacting to his inappropriate actions just as negatively as he is acting. That's not only a law of physics, but a law of relationships. Good actions result in good consequences. Bad actions result in bad consequences. If she want to continue this diatribe, and I know your religious background, perhaps it would be good measure for her to understand the pecking order or order of priority as it were: God First, Spouse Second, Children Third, Parents Forth, Parents Forth (I repeated that for good reason), Siblings Fifth, Family & Friends Sixth, and Acquaintances & Colleagues Seventh. The rest of mankind is only consequential to the point you follow WWJD.
    How much does Mommy know? Does she know the depth of dear Hubby's addiction? BTW, there is a reason I used the term "Mommy"! Speaking of which, where's Daddy in all of this?
     
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  13. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Everything you said is spot on!


    He died of cancer; his diagnosis was the catalyst to the addiction
     
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  14. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I can say this isn’t an issue between us. Both our families (with dysfunctional as that are) are all aware of it. They are humble with problems of their own and are amazing good people. They are supportive of us both.

    I think as far as my husband goes he wasn’t as close to his mother as his father (she had a dysfunctional past and left his father for another man, affair). If anything I think he was opposite of a “moma’s boy” his emotional distance was ingrained by his mother leaving the family at such a young age for him including he and his sibling. They were raised more by their Dad who did the best he could, eventually with a stepmom for their childhood. My husband had always been highly guarded and internalized everything, very closed off. I think he very much had abandonment issues he wasn’t aware of. He was very good at sabotage when things were going well between us. His family doesn’t presume, judge or interject themselves into our relationship. I think they had assumed we were more well adjusted then we were. They didn’t have to worry about those things.
    His father is the one that asked most questions to understand and see how we are doing now that he knows the jist of it but it’s definitely more out of healthy place.

    My family is very much on par, highly supportive and my mother is happy we are where we are. They all definitely want us to succeed no matter what.

    Amazingly enough my hubby was dead set against infidelity (or so we discussed the first few years we were together until we actually married) with how his dad experienced his mother actions. Yet when it came down to it over the years my husband was very open to infidelity/affairs.
    As far as families go, his and mine consider each other extended family. So that is something special. It’s all interesting when I think about it.
     
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  15. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I've noticed this trend...things are *cordial* for 2-3 days & then out pops the addict when it gets to normal.

    Thank you ❤

    I think a major part of my hang-ups with his immediate family is that no one has asked how I am. No one has asked what they can do to help. I just don't get it; I literally don't get it.

    Maybe it's the lack of knowledge/openness about sex addiction...

    I would want to make sure the mother of my grandchildren was safe (emotionally) & given support to heal.

    I will never understand humans that don't have at least a tiny empathy chip in their brains.
     
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  16. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    I hope you don't mind if I reply.

    I would say yes he does have issues with a relationship that it too close to his mother and I'm speaking from my own experience of being in the same situation and not realizing it.

    What's sad and harder / not fair to you is that he may not fully understand this. I know I didn't and in fact until someone thought I was my Mother's husband I couldn't see it.

    He like myself will need to distance himself from his Mother. It isn't going to be easy for either of you but he needs to put that distance in place.

    He'll often feel a certain amount of guilt but he needs to move past that before things between you improve.

    I wish I had realized this earlier in life but when your in the situation you can't see it and until you step away. Then you really see what's she's doing once your at that proper distance.

    My SO has stood by me through this and while there will always be challenges I am forever grateful she was there.
     
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