Fantasies and objectification of partner

It is called programming. The whole idea of programming is that it is so effective and works so efficiently that you do not even know what the “root cause” is. You can not pinpoint a single moment where all the sudden you enjoyed fantasizing about degrading situations to your partner. Someone you are suppose to love and protect you now get aroused by seeing being treated poorly. You have been manipulated, quite successfully it sounds like.

Wrong. That side of you is not behind you. You are not using porn because you are over your perversion to degrading your partner; it is the opposite: porn fuels your perversion to degradation. The fact that you just relapsed means it isn’t over for you. You might not be acting out as extremely as you were but you are 1 bad week away.

How do you get past this? How do you stop thinking about her in this way? I cannot give the answers, I am not a qualified therapist or psychologist. What I do for myself is actively work on extending my ability to empathize and connect in a deeper way with the ones I care about. I start with them because it is the easiest place to begin. As I do this I begin to work on becoming more aware about what I let into my conscious mind. What am I watching, what am I listening to, what am I reading. First everything starts in thought form so above all else, what I am I thinking to myself? What is my running dialogue with myself like?

You might genuinely care for this person but you also have an incredibly distorted view on arousal and being able to view this person outside of a sexual context is obviously a problem. Not always, of course not. But frequently enough to where you can visualize sadistic things happening to this person and it arouses you. You have been conditioned. You have had enough damage done to you that you have normalized this perversion and tattooed it onto someone close to you. This is illness. Detoxify your mind. Stop lying to yourself that your over this. You are not because you are not over porn which fuels this I have no doubt of that.

“it was coming because the fantasies were getting strong.” Of course they are getting strong you aren’t feeding them they are starving and you gave in to it. You have to actively fight to reprogram you mind away from this.
Last I want to leave you with this. I’m not shaming you. I am just a guy who has my own set of struggles as well. I am giving you the harsh reality because I have no reason to lie to you and I have no desire to make you feel bad. This is the truth. I have been rooting out the poison and the conditioning for 6 years now. How’s that for a wake up call? 6 years and I’m still finding more of it that needs healing to this day. It needs to set in on you that this journey is a life path journey. This isn’t just about porn or masturbation it’s about the fundamental character of who you want to be as a person in this life. That’s up to you.

 

@SJ88 @NamaClature14

I'd like to thank you both as the first two posts have helped me see an issue I suffer from.

 

I've objectified and 'got off' on similar thoughts of my partners with other guys. To the point of getting disappointed when they didn't wanna go and play with a mate.

I guess it shows the separation between the porn world and real world where physical contact is separated from emotions.

 

This is the problem with porn man. It either turns you into a cuck, or a homosexual, or a rapist, or pedo or whatever man. It does weird things to your brain. Not everyone experiences these escalations. By the way, I dont mean it literally turns you gay, or into a pedophile, etc. It def can LITERALLY turn you into that. But often, it makes people lean towards these types of genres and fantasies. So a guy for example, who engages in so much porn, can go from a being a good normal sexuality guy to a guy who has an interest for force and inflicting pain, and then it can escalate to worse and worse. It basically can warp your brain, and tens of thousands can attest to this. This was one of my main issues that made me do nofap. I noticed my brain wasnt normal anymore. I feel for you bro. I had some escalations in my thoughts too. But merely lowering the amount I fap has gotten rid of them to be honest. My advice for you, is understand the evil of ur actions. Cuz seriously this is so rude and disrespectful to ur partner. Like especially the part where u like her being degraded and used. Its so terrible man, I dont understand how you arent dying of guilt. Also, think about ur manhood. Is a real man one who fantasizes about other men with his wife. Basicallly, try to logically explain to ur self why this is bad, and just abstain from PMO as much as u can, and I am very confident ur problem will be solved.

I also must comment man, that your partner is your responsibility to treat her well. You should feel very guilty about what you did man. Try to have that motivate you: "that you are going to be the best partner inwardly and outwardly." It seems outwardly u are good to her, but bro, this is kinda next level disrespect man. And it also is disrespecting ur manhood. I dont mean to shame you but I must speak the truth.

I just wanna help. For me, what helped me destroy escalating thoughts was understanding how repulsive and pointless this is. And feeling intense shame about it and wanting my manhood and self respect back. And lastly, just abstain as much as u can. U acc will rewire pretty quick.

 

hi bro i am facing a problem can i share?

 

hi bro can i share my problem?

 

This made me laugh so hard. You two were each . . . quite unique.

I'm very proud of you for overcoming that horrible behavior. I think you should tell her that you were doing that, honestly.

As for your thoughts of objectification, I feel that could be coming from your occasional porn maybe. It could also be coming from your girlfriend. Some girls want to be objectified during sex. I think it's very weird and one of the reasons why I'm okay with being celibate. If she is encouraging or promoting objectification during sex, then it could be from past sexual abuse or even child sexual abuse.

If the objectification is coming from your occasional consumption of porn, which is very likely the source because internet porn can promote crime, then you should try completely cutting off porn. You may not be addicted to it, but it might still be negatively affecting your sexuality.

If objectification is being promoted by your girlfriend, then you can talk about the issue with her and try to work something out. If you tell her about that "dark time," then she might better understand the issue and effects of the promoted objectification.