end of my tether..

where to start...

partner of an addict of 2.5 years and completely drained by it. this is his third attempt and he's been clean for 5 months and has been going to SAA meetings and today was the first day he has managed to get a sponsor. I am happy that he has a sponsor, even though it was me that sent the email. I used to be so heavily involved in his recovery and it made me ill. I ended up on anti-depressants and piled on 2 stone. before he stopped there for his third attempt I thought he was clean, we were paying a therapist £90 a session to talk about our sex life or lack of when the whole time he had been watching porn. The betrayal is hard for me and its evident porn has taught him to lie and be good at it and convince your girlfriend that is doing everything to support you whilst having panic attacks that she's just anxious when she questions anything.

Anyway we dont have sex because he has ED, when I kiss him and his chest I swear it shrivels up more. He says he is overly anxious about sex or doing anything with me, he neglects me and its making me feel awful. I have told him hundreds of times that erections arent the be all and end all but he still doesnt want to. if he is horny he wants me to masturbate him till he cums but what's in that for me? I'm not in a relationship to wank him off all the time, where is the intimacy and connection in that?

We had an argument earlier because he's in a group chat and everyday they send pictures of naked girls and porn clips. I am RAGING!! he's told his friends he has a porn addiction and is in a 12 step programme and how difficult its been for us and they still send them. Now correct me if I'm wrong but if you are an addict then you shouldn't be seeing that, he says he just scrolls past it and doesnt bother but yet made me block everything in the house and put porn blockers on his phone. If its that easy then why does he do it? why cant he see that this is a problem having the porn so accessible on his phone? and if he's finding it easy to scroll past then surely he isn't an addict and can control it? Is t all just one big manipulation to stop me leaving him by feeding me constant bullshit.

I am the only person who is really supporting him but I'm considering throwing the towel in because my needs arent being met and he doesnt seem to want to try work on our sex life and I cant let my life go down this route with no end in sight and a man that cant seem to see how problematic this group is to his recovery.