Driving myself crazy, what is he doing?

Ask him to keep the phone on the kitchen counter. It's gross to take it in the bathroom, a huge waste of time, and obviously problematic given his history. It's an easy fix if he's serious.

If it comes to it, factory reset every device deleting everything on it. Back up the family pictures/tax documents.

Bottom line, he will only get help if he wants it. You can't force him, you can't find everything he is hiding. You will have to build trust together, practicing in small things, so that the big things will get corrected.

Taking a break, so that he can consider if he wants to continue with the relationship, and consider how he can improve trust with you, is a valid option. You're probably not 100% reasonable at this very moment so the break would be good for you too. Agree to 1 week to 1 month, only written letters, and then come back together again and talk about how to move forward.

 

I agree with 'exsoldier' in that you are probably both not thinking entirely rationally, due to the emotional nature of the situation, and that you both might need some time away from each other. However, if I were in your shoes, I would consider telling him in an absolutely crystal clear manner how much his behavior is hurting you and your relationship, and tell him to either make a serious attempt at ending his addiction, or risk losing you.

 

Your boyfriend has a big problem, if he doesn't want to change then in my opinion this relationship doesn't make sense, constantly finding new ways to lie to you and being a cumbrain; It's just my opinion though

 

Two things really trouble me: the egregious lying ("I swear, those cam girl pictures just magically wrote themselves onto my phone") and the fact that he's crossed the line into spending money on cam girls (which makes lying about it even more egregiously egregious).

No matter how well-intentioned he is, it will not be easy for him to unwind this. It will take time to do it, and even more time for you to be sure.

I think you should pause the engagement until this is resolved. Once the date is set and deposits are made, engagements turn into a railroad that is very hard stop.

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure".

I really hate to say this, especially since I was a porn hound when I was married, in those innocent days before consumer high-speed internet. Addiction to cam girls is extremely powerful - guys are spending thousands a month on "paying her rent" or "medical school tuition". It's way beyond spending too much time in the bathroom looking at naughty videos.

I apologize if I have over-stepped. All the best to you.

-EK

 

I’m so sorry. This is a heart and soul crushing thing to go through. They destroy our life with their selfishness and the dishonesty is the worst. Trust is shattered. Respect and safety is shattered. Unfortunately, just about the only way it will ever be possible for him to stop is that if *he* wants to and realizes how much damage it is doing to him (his brain) as well as his relationship. And even then, he will NEED to get real addiction help, have accountability partners, SA therapists, classes... etc. He will need to live like he has an addiction for a long time, if not for the rest of his life. He 99% won’t be able to white knuckle it and be successful. It’s a long hard road. It will only get worse after marriage and it will be even harder to make those uncomfortable decisions after having kids. (You haven’t mentioned kids, so I apologize for my assumption that you don’t have any at this moment).

My husband is trying to get out of an almost lifelong addiction and has hit rock bottom in realizing how much he wants to get this out of his life. He changed for me before we got married. White knuckled. Didn’t work and destroyed me and everything we worked to build a decade later. He supposedly has been PM sober since the end of Aug - and it’s still hard. I’m still paranoid. Who knows about the future. He is doing the correct things to move forward, and I still walk around like there is impending doom around the corner. The triggers are insane. It does so much to your health.

There are boundaries and consequences you will need to make with him. By doing this, they have completely destroyed their right to privacy. Consequences are real. If my husband truly wants to continue this life with me, he MUST learn to speak to my heart and not my brain about this (this mess is not logical! His logic about MY healing causes further pain). He MUST learn empathy and read books that show how devastating this is for the partner. He MUST attend his classes and go to a specific SA therapist. He MUST NOT bring any phone/iPad/etc in the bathroom. He MUST have accountability software on ALL his devices. I cannot share my body with him anymore if he shares his body with other people onscreen (or off). If he proves to me that he is not willing to do the hard work, and he relapses over and over, I cannot live like that and he must leave. The trouble is that we have children together. That makes many things so much harder. So please, do some soul searching, and get some (safe) therapy for yourself to help you through this. If he does nothing (you cannot believe words, only behavior), it will truly get worse after marriage. And then you will feel more trapped.

 

Sorry you're going through this.

Yeah - I think I would have made changes faster if there were hard consequences beyond deleting a folder and changing a password and an apology.

I think it's time to set a boundry. Give him a line and tell him the consequence and then stick with it

 

So.. he lied to you many times. He is into porn and waisting money with another woman. He is the tipical simp. He is obssesed with her. He said he has and adicction.
From your part you messed up by looking at his phone without his consent, you are constantly like a detective searching for his actions on internet. You are demanding him to block this woman when is not up to you to decide that. Now your are paranoid and obsessed because of his behavioir..

People don't change, they only became their best version after a lot of work. Your man already show you how he behaves... do you really want to be with a man that is lying to you and making you be a control freak, paranoid and obsessed?
You have 2 options here, accept the way he is and let him do what ever he wants.. or move on with your life without him. He is not going to change.. so staying with him in hopes he will become the perfect man is not going to happen.

 

Coming from personal experience, it took almost losing my girl to wake me the fuck up.

I was a liar and that's damaged the relationship somewhat, I don't think she trusts me that much anymore but I know she still loves me. I'm a bit of a special case, considering the type of porn I watched, but the behaviour was still the same, lied about a lot of stuff, even the smallest thing would trigger her in the end and I almost lost her because of it.

The truth is, he won't change until something drastic happens, something that wakes him the fuck up and realizes what he's doing and what he's going to lose, I think you need to take a step back, on your terms and make him see what he's doing to the both of you, it's not fair on you. Nobody deserves to go through what you are now, certainly not my woman, she's a saint compared to me, I don't deserve her at all, but I am a better man because of her, and I continue to improve every day.

If he truly loves you, he'll wake the fuck up, trust me.

If he doesn't, then.... I guess you need to let him go and suffer this downward spiral by himself, you deserve better.

 

Some things in life just can`t be controlled. You can`t brute force him quite addiction. You have two options. Either to talk with him about addiction on daily basis, trying to help him understand the error of his ways of thinking, either to stop worrying and have resolve to do what you think is right.

 

Just want to make the point that you were not wrong for going on his phone. He is wrong to lie to you. He is wrong to betray you. He is wrong to continue his behavior and expect you to still stay. You have done nothing wrong.