DonkeyKong Life After 90 Days

Cheers bro. Loving the feedback.

 

Happy Sunday.
Two days to go until i'm 120 days down. A massive thanks to all of your responses. In fact iv'e private messaged a few of you in response because you've raised some great questions personal to me.

So, iv'e managed to stick to my twice a week update rule. It's great. I sometimes used to use porn as an excuse to be lazy. I would get home convince myself I needed to go on ebay the inevitably wasted 1 1/2 hours on porn straight away. And I was a bit concerned because I was coming home and updating my blog. Which was a massive help for me early on and it was essential then but I was starting to do it for half an hour instead of being productive. I think I was using it as a bit of an excuse not to do anything.
But I really wouldn't judge anybody else on this because Nofap is such a great tool.

So I use my time to cook tea, walk the dog etc. It's funny these little jobs make so little difference in the scheme of things but it's great for me, and it helps my wife out. I enjoy it and it's nice to get some satisfaction instead of thinking iv'e wasted it wanking myself of.
I WASTED so many hours with my porn addiction. Not just actually masturbating but the period of time you waste browsing the web trying to persuade yourself your not going on porn but deep down you know your going to relapse.
I really am getting more from my life now.
So i'm gonna chop some wood and go karting this afternoon.
Smash it team !! See you Tuesday
Ps my wife was naked in the shower yesterday before we went out. I used to need to see her in a sexual position to get excited but my boner sprung straight into action. Inevitably I had a massive urge to masturbate but I resisted, as we didn't have time for sex. Taking the positives away. I am really finding my wife irresistible and the thought of sex excites me so much more than porn.
I know it's very very sad but there were days where I stayed up late to go on porn instead of having sex.
I'm finding life allot more exciting now and I really fancy a hobby or a new challenge. Any ideas?

 

Another thing I would like to add.
Dig really hard this once.Do it now.Then we have the rest of our lives to concentrate on better things.
People that follow me will know that I was addicted for around 10 years ( my memory of exact timing when it became an addiciton is a little sketchy). But 6 years ago I had a massive realisation that I wanted to quit porn. I failed and lost 6 years. And 6 of the best years being 18 to 24.

And I have learnt that with a bit more research, you help and it has to be said, "willpower". I could of done it then.
So give up this time. Not in 6 years time.

 

Day 119.. I have chosen to break my twice a week update today.
My mind is all over . This afternoon I had pretty much convinced myself to go home and go straight on an old favourite cam site.
I bumped into a girl yesterday that I went to school with and she had a bit of a rep for being a bit kinky, and I also saw a woman in a bikini on tv last night. I didn't realise either of these had affected me but there the only things I can think have acted as a trigger. Something has played with my mind.
I am feeling desperate to go on porn. Almost excited at the thought of it.
All the silly thoughts are back, "15 mins won't harm", "relapses to day and aim to beat my record starting tomorrow".
I thing it's the fact that I used to be a sucker for homemade porn and maybe some crazy link with seeing this girl. I don't Know. Don't get me wrong I didn't feel the need to sleep with this lass but something has linked me to porn.
I feel guilty towards my wife that this lady could be a trigger but I don't think I should be two hard on my self as i'm only human, it's just down to me not to react to it. (this may not even be he trigger as I saw her yesterday and the urges didn't come on till lunch), but something is.
I'm am really struggling to fight the urge to type the porn site into the address bar right now.
I feel exactly like I used to when I would browse online persuading myself I was searching for something, butt really being fully aware I was going to relapse.
I don't think it's helped that iv'e been doing a job today that when I was really addicted I ended up pmoing at work , (I know this is terrible) but that's how bad it got. And iv'e been on my own all day so the thought has been rolling in my mind.
Really tempted
DK22

 

WEDNESDAY UPDATE.
Pulled through with the help of a gym class. Afraid I have to go but will update later.

 

DonkeyKong (down but not out) relapse after 120 days.



Good Morning and Happy Sunday.

I apologise massively to all my friends on here and readers of my blog, (donkeykong life after 90 days). On Friday night I relapsed after 120 days of abstinence from porn and masturbation. But I really don't want it to give any of you a negative attitude towards giving up pmo. Many bloggers on here feel that all there efforts are completely wasted after relapse. Admittedly I have taken big 10 steps back opening myself up to triggers i'd recovered from,but I really feel over the last 4 months I have taken 50 steps forwards. Now is the swinging point. I have two options. Dwell on my relapse and persuade myself to pmo again as I have nothing to lose now and fall back into reliance on masturbation and porn, or celebrate my 120 day run, spend some more time researching porn addiction and get back on the no porn train. I'm going to chose the later. But first I want to tell you exactly what I did wrong;

I will describe my relapse in this order and also why stopping masturbation is so important to quitting porn.

•the run up to my relapse
•a post that hung on my mind about relapse
•the perfect setting of my relapse
•my feelings after my relapse


The run up to my relapse.[/B]
My relapse was built over a few days. On the 8th of December I posted on my blog how I saw a girl I used to go to school with, and to spare the details this was a big trigger for me. I was home alone that night and the urges were massive. And there was my first tripping point. I persuaded myself I needed to do some Christmas shopping for my wife, so I started to haul through the underwear stores online.
Through my 120 days I was very strict on myself, I wouldn't purposely look at any (soft images) of any nature. So this was definitely my first big step back.

Combined with my wife being on her period, I was very horny this week.
The next day I made a monumental mistake. I have been very careful not to bug my wife for more sex as a replacement to porn. On the 9th I was starting to look at pictures of girls in underwear as a trigger of the previous day, so I guess you could class I had relapsed at that stage. And that evening I thought to myself, "i have to turn this around". And I made my second massive mistake. I chose to masturbate in the shower. This was a masturbation relapse, but my sole reason for being here was my porn addiction. So I persuaded myself that I would get rid of my sexual frustration by masturbation without the reliance on porn.
The relighted my desire to masturbate, so on the 9th 10th and 11th I started to masturbate daily. Every time in the shower and I didn't purposely have a shower to masturbate but all the same I did.

This situation reminded me of a prominent post I read of a guy I used to follow. He relapsed after a long period. And also like me, step by step you could see it coming. He started to fall apart over a few days.

So the full blown relapse was on Friday night. I took my wife to her work party, then I went to see a friend. And all the time I was there the urges were back heavy. All the time I was thinking I don't want to be here I want to be on porn, knowing my wife was away. But i delayed it as long as i could until i had to go home. Normally i would of gone to bed. But i had to pick my wife up at 1am so the combination of being tired and the urges tripped me up. I also tried to get on NoFap but i have this stupid hp password and i couldn't get on. So i blew it. It was passing through my mind that i had already fallen and it was going to happen. But i should of been stronger.
I watched a porn movie and masturbated.

I was really annoyed with my self. And instead on bingeing on porn that night i drove to the town where my wife was and slept in the car for an hour.
When you relapse after such along period, it is easy to dwell in self pitty. But i brought it on my self. I know in reality in 4 months i have lost 1 hour to porn. So i now need to do the very hard thing of drawing a line under it now by continuing my progress.

I want to suggest a new word for the nofap dictionary. The word is stabilizing. 3 days before i relapsed i was starting to take slippery steps backwards. And this creates a mindset that you expect to fail. Stabilising should be a term where you feel like you are starting to become complacent, you regroup your self and bring it under control instead of relapsing like i did.

I feel strong enough to go again. I feel less addicted than i did when i quit. But it wouldn't take many relapses to fall back into the viscous circle.

 

cheers bro.
Really fucked of with myself. On the verge of spiralling again. Pmo'd 3 times since relapse on fri. Probably about 1 and a half in time. Stayed up late last night to go on porn. And got up early this morning to do the same. Feeling tired and dirty.
Still more controlled than I was as I have been really productive on evenings but if I don't sort it out i'm on borrowed time.
Told my wife today. I hadn't told her until this morning as I was really disappointed. She took it well but said something that annoyed me. She said , you've done well and there will always be a point of relapse".
I so don't believe this. I was so close to rebooting I just let a few triggers get the better of me. But I didn't argue. I just need to show her.
This is a great note to self of why not to relapse.
I can't use porn in moderation. I just can't, I'm an addict. And that is not acceptable for me so the only other option is complete abstinence.
Now my wife knows this will help. She is a great accountability partner.
Life wanking is shit. I feel tired, my cock feels dead and sex isn't as good.

So the plan is. Sort my fucking self out. Get back on the train.
I have two weeks of work for crimbo. Where I will have loads of opportunities to wank. SO my target is to make it through this period without relapse.
If I do this it will be a great achievement because previous holidays on other years I have wasted days.
I believe I got to the stage where I had pushed myself to the stage where I would relapse. Hopefully I have learn't now and the next time I will be ready. If I didn' relapse fri I propbably would have relapsed in my crimbo holidays. So If I can pull it back now. In my mind I will have gained. If I binge in my holidays I have bombed out and shit out all the good work of 120 days completely clear.
I believe I need to cut my losses of about 2 hours in the last week. And clean my self up. 7 days is the first target. And I know it will be hard.
Please give me some shit. I deserve it.
I'm annoyed because to you guys I probably sound like one of those people that get angry after relapse, make all the promises under the sun and then continuously fail. I need to prove I'm stronger than that.

 

1 day and 17 hours. Very early days. But I'm hungry again to crush this addiction. Hopefully this knock back will help me later on. Although at the minute it feels like a huge backward step.
Two weeks off work for Christmas. So it's a big goal of mine not to waste it on hours of porn and get loads of stuff done around the house and spend some quality time with my wife. For that reason I am going to set my counter to 12 days. If I can do it for this period it will be a big confident boost.
Thanks Great Knave

 

Cheers Bro, I have allot of interest in what you say. I have sent a private message

 

I have decided not to create a new blog as i'm determined not to close this one with a binge. I'm currently 2 days and 2 hours in.
I thing it is important for me to write a list of the massive benefits I felt before relapse after 120
days free from pmo.

I felt cleaner (during my addiction if I was home alone for 5 mins I would take any opportunity to masturbate, this is not clean.

Motivation, I noticed a massive surge in becoming more interested in my other interests. And a raise in my motivation levels to act on it.It was as if my desire to quit porn and masturbating to porn was dulling my other interests.

Appreciating my wife Quitting porn made me massively appreciate my wife more. Sexually, when she was in her underwear I would be more turned on than any porno. And this feeling is desensitised through watching porn. And lets face it spending money on other women to show their bits for you makes you a bell end. And watching other women for free instead of concentrating on your wife also makes you a nob.

Feeling upbeat I don't like to say watching porn caused me depression but not watching it definitely made me more upbeat. And my temper is better. Bingeing on porn puts me in a foul mood with others even thoe it's completely my fault.

Active and better use of time Some of the things I did during 120 days instead of spanking my cock; walking the dog, visit my parents, clean the house, played squash, cooked tea, had showers, watched tv, stayed at work later, wrote business plans, slept, talked with the wife, went to bed at the same time as the wife.

Great sexsex was meaning full. Harder cock, increased sensitivity in the cock, feeling heightened. My wife commented on how sex was better for her two. She said I seemed more focused on her.

The belief I can be a good parent I don't have kids, But we want them. But before I want to cure my addiction because the last thing I want to do is ignore my kids phone calls so I can have one last wank.

A clearer head Sounds weird but now I have relapsed my head feels fuzzy again. During abstinence my head feels clear.

A greater awareness of life in general Things seem more impressive. It's a hard thing to describe but during my 120 days I felt as if my head was out the sand. And I was actually noticing things. Life Felt important.

 

Ok day 3. Big step forward today. I'm off work for Christmas at the minute. Wife was out for a few hours today. It was my first real prolonged opportunity to pmo. So i'm taking this small victory. I'm getting allot out of learning about other peoples thoughts so thanks to you guys.
Fingers crossed for another solid day tomorrow.