Does Sex Save You?

I would agree with that. You're focusing on just the last sentence that was a by the way statement. The other things that are written there are not just about intimacy.

Not always. ONS don't, using prostitutes don't. There are so many different things that could get in the way of sex being used as a bonding action. It will depend on the type of relationship that you have as well and what's going on outside of sex.

 

I was just answering someone else's question that was related to the topic. I agree what that biological fact. sex does release certain hormones that creates a feeling. But that feeling can only be in the moment and may not be for both parties. and for each party different degrees. But people are different especially men and women. The questioner wanted a way to distinguish between libido and urge and whatnot and so i provided an answer with some indicators. The bonding element is just one indicator that may or may not apply to everyone, hence the other indicators.

 

I totally get what your saying, I myself am having a tough time as well trying to understand and trying to figure out when having sex is ok with my wife, I never think about p when I'm with her and frankly very seldom have thoughts of it ever, my battle now is strictly not to M, and that's also becoming less and less as time goes on, it's just confuses me because I've always been a very affectionate person, but where's the line?

 

That is the difference for you then.

My husband doesn't use because he has any sexual desire, in fact sex and desire has nothing to do with his PMO.

PMO is all about avoidance and escape, so yeah I am not going to help my husband run from his problems, and I won't let him use me in that way.

But if it's sexual intimacy desire based that's different.

You're misunderstanding my words. Addiction is about escape... not about horniness. And I spoke from all the SO's on here that we have all already addressed this topic. We feel used, end of story. maybe not all, but the partners on the partners section do... I don't know how many SO's would be happy to jump into bed with the PA who destryoed and cheated on them when the PA is urging for porn, and then sex can just be using the SO and porn in their head.... we SO's don't want to be subject to being a doll for the PA's fix.

Like, my desire to cut has nothing to do with the desire to hurt myself, it comes from not wanting to experience the pain from my sexual trauma's. So again, it's about escape, not actually enjoying/desiring the act. Addicts talk about how there is a high but they hate the addiction and have no real want for it in their life.

As to sex for sex's sake... that can happen in HEALTHY relationships. When there is the amount of trauma, abuse, and damage that are in our relationships it's hard to have sex for sex's sake until real healing has occured. On occasion my husband and I can have sex for sex's sake but we both agree we don't like it as much as real intimacy.

To each their own... if she says she is okay with it, then cool, if not, then respect that...

 

@Castielle Okay, I am sorry I wasn't clear, I'll try better next time. I hope you have a good day!

 

Errr...her advice was anything more than what I have heard from different types of therapists. Some actually go more extreme.

 

I'm just going to point something out here... And you can jump on me all you want but the whole thing with blanket statements is that you have to speak to the majority anytime you're in a public forum because you can't nitpick all the minorities because the majority is who you're generally talking to.
So a blanket statement is "generally the best bet"
You may be the exception to the rule but the reason the rule is the rule it's because you're not always talking to the exception every single time.... so you have to consider that and picking it apart in every argument isn't going to get you very far. that's why there is a " blanket statement"
And that's why it works "most of the time".

 

My two cents: this may be where the difference between P & M can be found. If I am tempted to relapse with P, well then sex will just make things worse (see "chaser effect"). However, my struggle recently has been more with just M. And in that situation I find that sex can be a tremendous help to preventing a potential relapse.

 

I'm kind of on the fence.
A lot of the time I feel like my partner only has sex with me because he's fighting the urge to PMO and doesn't want to end our relationship. Other times I feel like it's genuine and his desire to be with me is based on me.
With that being said, I think I'd rather him come to me ANY time regardless. I have never and would never turn down sex. He knows this and has become a lot more comfortable in the last year just asking for it. Because he knows it's a sure thing.
When you start to deny your partner sex you are walking the line of using it as a weapon.
My SO actually does this to me, knowing I want it 24/7. He'll use a small fight we had or some other stupid reason to deny me.
It really is a relationship specific question. There is no right answer. It's all really about what makes both parties comfortable and happy. And what feeds a healthy relationship.

 

It’s up to the couple to define the lines in my opinion. I was at a place where I never turned him down. There were definitely times when I felt used just for him to get off, many times. I felt used to the point I deeply desired more intimacy than just sex. We had many conversations about it all when everything came out. But there is a fine line between withholding (using as weapon against someone for punishment/control) and not feeling comfortable being physical with their SO (feeling you need to protect yourself).

He drew the line that we would not have sex if porn/other women entered his mind in any way shape or form we would stop if started, we wouldn’t start at all if before and not if he had dream about it and woke up feeling urges because of it. He didn’t want to indulge the chaser effect and we wouldn’t have sex. He wanted to break the cycle. I absolutely agreed to this.

He also wanted to learn how to connect and have a deeper intimacy between us and I have great appreciation for that. If one of us isn’t feeling like sex we focus on cuddling, caressing and even kissing and just being intimate without sex and enjoying just being together.

We don’t actually ask for sex anymore it’s like we just let it happen naturally between us. Hard to explain but it just happens in the moment now and does happen in some good streaks. We end up having sex when we are feeling connected and together and my god it’s so much more than it was.

 

When your criticisms read as attacks, and you become more aggressive when the person you criticise tries to clarify their point, then you are likely to be criticised yourself.

This is a forum for people seeking and offering help and support. Since this section contains people needing help and support for rather different troubles (their own struggles with P or that of their partner) it makes sense that some of your posts will be criticised, and often by a subset of forum users coming from similar experiences who disagree with your points. You represent a group of people all causing the same pain that they experienced at the hands of their SO (P users/PAs). To be treated with hostility sometimes is to be expected, perhaps. But I will point out that Anna has remained polite, whereas you have continued to attack.

Something to think about, especially when you have such high standards of clarity and quality in the posts of others.

 

Okay so in regards to addiction and porn use. I would try to stop porn and see if you can just M alone no porn fantasies, think about your wife etc.

For me I don't have any PMO issues and I can M and think of my husband and it does the job just fine if my husband isn't in the mood for a week or two. I am not betraying him with that, I am remaining faithful in mind, heart, and soul, and I also can help my libido and not "bug" my husband because well, it's hard to want it and be rejected alot.

If you cannot M without P then that speaks to a problem to start thinking about and addressing in my opinion. Research the science of porn addiction on http://yourbrainonporn.com and see if you are having urges for porn.

If you have a high libido and your wife isn't interested then you simply can M alone without P. But if you try Ming and you can't get it up, it's not working and you are getting anxious/irritable and have a desire for P then it's something to note and continue research on.

My husband was completely vanilla, pics and vids and nothing more than vanilla regular sex. Yet he was addicted. So addiction can come in all shapes and sizes, it's not a one size fits all. My husband thought he had a high sex drive and just used P to help M. But he has a low sex drive without P and M, and that's his natural drive. P and M hijacked his normal drive, which happens.

Anyways, I wish you luck in your recovery and hope you keep coming back to learn, get support, and track your journey!