Destroyed a marriage before it started

Welcome to the community dude. Full honesty is the way to go. Im glad that you told her even if you got caught. It is tempting to minimize and not admit to everything. You are much more likely to succeed with this way. I look forward to seeing where this journey takes you.

 

As a SO of a PA who didn't 'realise he had a problem' until I pointed it out, I can empathise with you and your new wife. It is comforting to hear just how much you think of her and a reminder to me that the PA isn't about what we are not! You can both recover from this, if you continue on this honesty path - its admirable!! Keep her with you on the journey, be patient with her (my guy gets agitated with me sometimes), perhaps seek counselling to talk through the painful stuff as sharing too much can re-traumatise her.

Keep going, read lots, watch & talk talk talk.

Take care & good luck

 

I am happy that she is with you. Advice: do not let her taking advantage of that, but be strong enough to stop doing the thing. Good luck.

 

I think you are in the perfect situation for developing the relationship to a stronger degree by confessing to your other half how much pain you are in and how much help you need. She is indeed a good wife if she is willing to help you with this problem, but she would not be a good one if she stuck up her nose and left.
I think by confessing all of this to her, you reverse the negativity, and turn it into a good thing.

 

Exactly right. Tell her everything all at once. Even and maybe especially things she could not find out on her own. Do not minimize, do not decide for her what is important for her to know. Just say it all. I am also an SO and my husband did so much harm by revealing things little by little. I know he was terrified, but it was so cruel to me and ultimately ruined any chance of trust between us. Every time I would get back on my feet and start to feel better and rebuild my life, I would get hit with something else and would be knocked back to where I started. Eventually, I lost confidence in myself and was afraid to even try to move forward, never knowing when the next ton of garbage would be dumped on my head. At some point, I completely stopped believing anything he said. Whatever he disclosed to me, I automatically multiplied it by 10 and assumed that was closer to the truth.

 

I did the same thing when i was discovered. I really wish i could take it back. Stop now man. The ladies that posted here are right it is way worse to trickle truth. I hope you can man up and tell her everything. There is still hope through trickle truth and i dont judge you for it. You need a place where it is safe to be fully honest dude. That is the only way out of this addiction.

 

I think there is a problem concerning sympathy here. Your SO I think to a certain extent cannot relate to what you're going through; what also concerns me, and I do not want to sound misogynistic here, but over the notion that she is a woman. I am just saying this because I feel like perhaps if one were to go to a woman about this problem, then there is this terrible gap; it's hard confessing one's problem with sex but it's also quite a challenge if a man confesses to a woman about it, and for many reasons why.
But I want to say to you that she is in the wrong, with the exception of labeling your decisions or habit as BAD.
Do not hate yourself my friend; this proves challenging but self-hatred, believe me, as strangely enticing or habitual as it comes to be as times, is not worth it, and it gets no one anywhere! I have dealt with self-hatred before; but I've read some psychological literature beforehand that has stated how self-animosity can greatly disrupt a person's intentions, one's goodwill. It does the opposite of what one would expect it to do; if someone falls into self-hatred because of porn and is absorbed by it, then more than likely, that is not going to repel them away from the porn, but more than likely cause them to give in.
If you can, find someone else to talk to, and share yourself with. I think therapy could be a good way of dealing with this. A good therapist can help someone raise their chin and beat whatever challenge comes to them.
I know you will get out of this alright. Just hang in there and learn to love yourself. Think about the positive things associated with your own individual character. When you first do this, you will more than likely think of nothing else but the negative, but push past and ignore that, for there is always a positive.
You got this!

 

Your SO carries a lot of hurt. Its very hard for a woman to understand that this is a compulsive behaviour. We are not yet taught the dangers of pornography in school. Innocent curiosity that ends up in vicious, mind altering micro cheating. Let her be angry, it will eventually fade away.

Its not necessarily what a person does, but how they make things right, that ultimately defines them. If you kick this, you prove to her that she is more valuable than the women on screen. Most of us, at some point or another, have made "evil" choices. But when you get addicted to doing good things, you eventually start to forgive yourself for the bad.

Show her some brain scans for people dealing with porn addiction. Once you see what it does to the mind, you can never again look at it the same way. The healthy you is a good person. Find him again, and forgive yourself. You are worth that.

 

I hear you logically thinking things through and it is obvious that you have done a lot of research. Those are awesome man, keep it up. Something with my wife that i still struggle with is the idea that she has her own reality that is not necessarily the same as mine and i dont need to change it for us to have a healthy relationship. It is normal for betrayed partners to not be able to support their PA, that is why it is so important for you to develop your own support network to help you through.

For example when your SO says those things to you about your choices, what she is trying to express is her pain that was caused by your choices. The key to empathy is seeing past her stated belief and hear the emotion behind it. Try saying things like. "If i believed that i would feel hurt and angry, is that what you are feeling?"

This is only possible if i feel supported in some way from elsewhere in my life. It is a messy process. You both need people who can understand your perspectives.