I'm 35 myself and honestly, I know i'm immature. Especially when it comes to relationships and girls in general. I can take a step back and talk to myself about everything and come to a lot of the same conclusions you are coming to. She won't go on a roadtrip with me though. She has a man. She's loyal. All of these reasons is why I like her...a lot. Loyalty plus immaturity. It sounds stupid but I like having people who I can just goof off with around me and people who stick by me. People who know me, know this about me. Even as we all grown older they can expect that when I am fully in my comfort zone to get at the very least get hit with a little bit of nostalgia..back to when we were kids. I got that every day from my coworker at one point. Now it's different. Man thank you for your reply and helping me sort all of this out. I think I need to just remove myself from here. But alas, do I do it first or does she? It's like the new battle. In my mind that's our new war. I get to turn my back to her or she me. It's like a power struggle. I'm salty about the other guy. That bothers me and its showing and it's making me look like a reject to her. Every time i open my mouth about that she's affirming what she did. She'll never tell me sorry, she'll never tell me that I was her friend througout all this. She'll say I made her believe that we weren't friends. No matter what I remind her of. I think like a lawyer with timelines or like a detective and I use that in my arguments/debates/rebuttals. Ultimately, I can't see me working out with anyone else. There will always be that 'what if' with her and it's stopping me (atleast right now) from moving on. That and I don't want to fully be depressed. My mother and my aunt keep showing me these girls whose parents want them to get married off or whatever. They won't stop calling me. My cousin got into this act too of trying to matchmake. i haven't even picked up the phone about this. They all pale in comparison. I can't even think about anyone else in any sense of sincerity. It's like i need to see her pregnant or married before I get over it; maybe even put in a last dig about her body will completely change now. Maybe I just liked the attention from her this whole time. It could be it. idk. The past 6 months or so I have day dreamed on an actual life with her like in a house etc. I'm getting into the territory of idolizing her and I don't want it to be that at all. I don't think it's attractive, it's not healthy, and it's wrong according to the scriptures. It's literally a sin.