Dealing with partners porn addiction

Unfortunately very few get into long term recovery( 5%). The experience you describe is what every so and wife I know has gone through, broken promises and lies. For decades. I dated my husband 5 years, married and realized on the honeymoon something was off. It took 5 years until I discovered what he was doing. I called 3 lawyers to start my divorce. My husband beg, pleaded, cried, sobbed really, and said he would do anything to fix our relationship. 3 years of weekly counseling, things got better, i got pregnant, had a son. 2years later, pregnant with my daughter, I found more porn on the computer. When I confronted him he lied. I showed him the proof, took off my wedding ring, never said I love you again and began planning for the day I could leave. 17 years later, I discovered porn could b an addiction and told him. He started counseling, and he began going to group, he told his boss so they could put software on his work phone to block porn. He began journaling, reading his Bible, meditations, working out, stopped drinking all alcohol, got rid of his computer, told his boss he could no longer handle the social media accounts at work, gave up personal social media accounts. He relapsed at a year clean, lied for 4 months until the polygraph ( one of my boundaries to protect me). That was 3 years ago. He struggled for another year. Realized he couldn’t get into recovery while continuing to work, retired early.He is 2 years clean right now. I ask for a polygraph any time I think he’s lying. Like you, most of us think we all have great relationships with our spouse, we all think he can get into recovery and will, many of us feel like we married our best friend. Many of us have walked through decades (36 years for me) of our husband trying to quit only to find we have been duped once again. If you were my daughter I’d tell you to run. Run like your life depends on it. You only have 1.5 years spent at this point, cut your losses. Otherwise, I promise, you will be back here, more broken than you could ever have imagined. Go to the so section, read through how many of us experience this. I’m sorry you are going through this. The pain never gets easier. In fact with time I’d say it gets worse. Every slip, every lie, cuts like a knife until you’re numb and no longer care. The harsh reality is they love their addiction more than anything, it is their coping mechanism and it lets them escape unwanted feelings. It makes them feel good in a way no other person can. It’s how they feel accepted, loved, powerful, no fear of rejection just wave after wave of dopamine. I’ve been with him 36 years. If not for my kids I would’ve left decades ago. All the amazing parts of my life with him are destroyed by his addiction. If not for my kids, I would wish I had never met him. My kids are the only reason I don’t regret marrying him. Best advice I can give is if you decide to stay, get good at boundaries, make polygraphs a hard boundary. Sex addicts are masters at manipulating and lying, we (so’s)don’t like admitting that, but they lie and get away with it far more often than they get caught.

 

Is it possible addiction can be overcome? Yes, I like to think it’s possible.

Is it probable? Realistically, probably not.

The better question I think you should be asking yourself is, will you ever trust him again?

 

My advice is also to cut your losses and run. You are not married and are not trapped by children. You have an opportunity many of us partners have wished for.
My husband has been in recovery for over a year now. He is a unicorn in terms of recovery. And it's still not worth it to me. If I could go back in time, I would rather be alone forever. But I did not discover his actions until I was very pregnant and now we have a baby together and it is not financially viable to split. If I had a time machine, I would trade everything to have discovered before the wedding and get out.

 

Yes it can be overcome.
I used to chronically watch porn when I was younger but now I have no interest in it at all and don't watch it.

One idea is that you and your partner read some books about the issue together. For example read one chapter on your own or at the same time and then discuss it together. I believe talking out loud about what you just learned can help cement the lessons.

This book is more psychological and practical about removing the porn addiction from one's life for good: https://www.google.com/search?q=easypeazymethod

This book goes deeper into the science behind the negative effects of porn and how it can harm people and as a consequence their partner: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/about/your-brain-on-porn-book-2nd-edition/

Good luck to you both.

 

Are you more than 5 years clean from all porn, masturbation and psubs? Do you have a partner? Because many porn/sex addicts can go a year or two without using only to return worse than before. My husband did, 4 years clean, a year clean, a year clean, now 2 years, every single time he said the same thing you did, absolutely no interest in it. Until he relapsed. He must manage his thoughts, and sex with me does make staying clean harder for him. He never knows if he will get a chaser. Long term recovery is 5+ years. When you say you have quit, what exactly are you basing that on? No pmo, no pm, or no porn and no psubs? It is different and contrary to popular belief, many times harder to get into recovery in a relationship. She needs to know what is realistic and the most probable outcome. Every single addict could get into long term recovery. Every single one. Do they? Very few. It takes a lot of work and pain to get into long term recovery and not just sober. Many just can’t change long term.

 

First of all, I want to acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage to share your story, and it's understandable that you're hurt and disappointed by your boyfriend's behavior. Pornography addiction is a complex issue, and recovery is a challenging process that requires dedication, commitment, and support.

It's important to understand that addiction is a disease that affects the brain's reward system and creates compulsive behaviors that are difficult to overcome. Recovery is possible, but it requires a long-term commitment to a treatment plan that includes therapy, support groups, and lifestyle changes.

 

100% this! It’s also quite painful for both the addict and the partner.

 

I would be cautious to read into too many peoples negative and unfortunate circumstances, in their dealings with an SO. There is a bias because of their own trauma and a projection mixed in with bitterness. I also think the numbers being thrown around are exaggerated.

If he is doing this, I think this is refreshing. If you do see a future with him/care for him, perhaps actively engage with him in these activities. Talk with him about it and show that you are there for him, celebrate milestones with him. He may relapse along the way, but if he keeps it honest with you, I believe he would continue to move forward and further along..to the point of eventually getting free. Although, if he gets defensive about you participating and working as a team, likely he is still attached to porn and in denial. Then, you may want to re-consider your relationship.

I think talking with him and setting the right expectation would be helpful. If he does show that he wants to overcome this, I would try your best to stay away from insulting him and belittling him, if ever he does slip up but keeps it honest with you.

Addiction stems from the need to numb yourself from perceived negative emotion, all the way down to even something as simple as boredom. It's not easy to overcome, but with the right steps, a willingness and understanding by the person attempting to overcome the addiction and with the right support tools, it can be done.

 

I would be cautious to listen to any addict who has less than one year clean. My husband began to change at 4-6 months clean, but realistically the massive changes came after 2 years clean. 4 years working recovery , group meetings 3 times a week and counseling and he just continues to change with the more time he’s sober and in recovery. You may think the numbers are exaggerated but even on this forum they are abysmal. Very few have reached 5+ years clean. Most are ecstatic with 30 days, 60, 90 days lol.

 

Your passive aggressive response is a testament to exactly what I mentioned above about bitterness. I'm not saying what you went through was a pleasant ride, but please do not think that means it's okay for you to throw out unbiased/opinionated #s to someone to have them believe they will go through what you are going through/went through and that there is next to no hope.

Given you need credentials. Streaks: +180 days clean of PMO, +430 days clean of porn/ +390 days free of MO. Each window in between relapses shortened and I learned as I went.

 

5% is the numbers profession csats who work with sex addicts give, not me. What I’ve gone through is MILD compared to what thousands of other so”s have gone through. You are not in long term recovery, you are still acting out in your addiction. Great that you are working at it, many partners don’t want to be in a relationship where the acting out is on going with streaks of sobriety. My husband had over 1200 days and still relapsed, he’s at over 700 now and like you he is learning, but he also has not been able to achieve long term sobriety/recovery. I’m not sure what you think was passive aggressive? I responded to your response about trusting what other so’s have been through. As if trusting an addict is so much more reliable. She asked what other partners have experienced and we told her. She will be lucky if she only goes through what I went through. If her partner never escalates to chat rooms, strip clubs, massage parlors, hookers.

 

Hi all! I'm new to this topic, can you please explain to me what a woman can expect in a marriage with a sex addict? Can he only be addicted to watching porn or is it much worse? I mean how often can a porn addict be addicted to chat rooms and sex outside of marriage or what can it even be? I would be very grateful to hear the experiences of women who have been or are in a relationship with such men

 

Run? Run to where?

Porn is so widespread that its hard to find anybody who is not using that. Particularly true for younger generation 15~35 years old. Probably the only people who are not hooked to it are in 3rd world countries where they dont have internet/cannot afford it.

Better to have partner, who is aware of it, is trying to fix it (even with slippages) than to have partner who is not even aware of it and thus doing even worse.
Grass always looks greener elsewhere, but reality isnt.

 

I would choose to be without a partner, or I would pursue a woman. No, I'm not going to be grateful my partner is aware that he cheated on me. He knew the whole time he was cheating on me, that's why he hid it. I was really straightforward and told him I considered it cheating and that it didn't have a place in my relationship, literally before we started dating. Now I'm stuck because we have a baby and he's a stay at home dad with an employment gap that will make it hard for him to find a job with his degree.
Both husbands knew it and hid it. It's devastating to create a whole human and then realize your partner in that let you do this life changing thing while lying daily.

I'm not going to be grateful because I never asked for more than what I have offered. It's not hard to not cheat on someone, you just find someone with boundaries that define cheating in ways you can meet.

 

Being alone would be far better and less damaging than being with a sex addict. However, just because porn is everywhere does not mean everyone is addicted. Many people drink alcohol but are not alcoholics. Just because someone has watched porn ( I did) does not mean they are addicted. Porn addicts think because they are addicted everyone who has ever watched is. Many people are not addicted to masturbation to their phone.

 

The only reason I'm responding to you and @SanctuaryWife in such detail is because I believe you mean well, given you are on these forums. I still believe your approach is incorrect.

"Thousands of other SOs", do you have anything statistical data to support what you're saying? Because reading between the lines of your posts and @SanctuaryWife all I see is projection and bitterness, seems like you want to lump all porn addicts in the same barrel. And you seem to be confusing porn addicts and sex addicts.

Also, it's not 5% of porn addicts who recover. It's also veering off topic from what OP was asking about. It's 5% percent of sex addicts, sex addiction does not equate to porn addiction. Now if you and @SanctuaryWife dealt with a man who went to massage parlours/chats rooms/strip clubs and escorts, you have my sympathy. That is a small subset of porn addicts who escalate to that. I do not know how I would take to someone cheating on me with another person in real life like that.

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/process-addiction/sex-addiction/sex-addiction-vs-porn-addiction/

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/process-addiction/sex-addiction/sexual-addiction-statistics/

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/process-addiction/porn-addiction/pornography-statistics/

Perhaps I haven't reached 5 years of sobriety, YET, as that is my intention to be free from this. My acting out on addiction, has become less and less prominent. Meaning, in the past I could barely get over a month and then sink into an autopilot mode for a long duration of time. Now, not only are my streaks quite long , but the relapse in between are very short (Less than a week). We call this improvement.

Should anyone actively working towards sobriety be discarded by others because of fewer and fewer shortfalls? Should anyone who is showing a willingness (as OPs boyfriend seems to be, if its honest from his part) to be free of this, be kicked to the curb? For someone who is clearly seeking empathy from her situation, rightfully so, perhaps giving a bit would do you and @SanctuaryWife better. Instead of demonizing a porn addict.

Yet he's still trying, which means he realizes he has a problem and is trying to fix it. Again, I don't know if your husband is actually a sex addict or a porn addict, as with your replies so far, it's been unclear. But if he goes 1200 days, watches porn one time and gets back on the saddle and is now at 700 days, he's a warrior. It means he's well along the path of "longterm recovery".

You're not? Let me clarify.

You repeated the exact sentence I did and attempted to put me down because of my current streak thinking this is as far as I've gone, all because you did not like the response I wrote. Which I did not even single you out in. You attempted to discredit what I was saying, as I mentioned, your bias and trauma has caused you to be bitter towards someone who is a porn addict. We're not all the same.

Here is more passive aggressiveness, you lumping us all in the same barrel. As if your perspective is the only one that is reliable, when clearly your bitterness is overcoming your desire to be helpful to OP.

Again you seem to be mocking a porn addict and I know its in relation to your own experience. Addictions stems from emotional avoidance, just like someone who gets addicted to alcohol. It's not something that's easy to break away from cold turkey, if it was it wouldn't be an addiction. You're also throwing random thoughts and claiming they are fact, only about 10% of those who view porn admit to being addicted, likely that number is quite a bit higher but who knows and I won't guess. I also don't believe (meaning not fact) most porn addicts think all who watch are addicted. Although, we can personally tell which viewers are in denial, sure, but no we don't think everyone is addicted to porn.


@YourLocalClown Sorry OP, seems this ended up becoming a pissing match. I hope you garnered some useful information from the posts on this thread and I hope your boyfriend is truthful, in actively working towards overcoming his addiction. Best of luck to you.

 

Can porn addiction be permanently overcome, yes but it requires a lot of hard work by the addict. To a certain extent, your boyfriend is putting in the hard work by doing the things he's doing but time can only tell if he's going to be successful.

I don't like the sound of this. What if he can't reach you? Does it mean he will look at porn? Calling you might be a good thing for him to do when tempted but I don't think you should know why he's calling you. He needs a list of things to do other than call you when he's tempted.

My view is that anyone who tries to give up porn should be doing it for themselves, not for their girlfriend or anyone else. Giving it up might benefit their loved ones but ultimately they should do it for themselves. We need to care about ourselves enough to live the life we really want.

 

All of this talk about whether it’s possible to overcome porn addiction or not is a moot point if she can’t trust him anymore.

If trust cannot be revived or won back, then no amount of recovery or healing from porn addiction on his end is going to fix what’s been broken. What benefit would his recovery be to the relationship if at the end of the day he’s 5 years clean and you’re still asking yourself “is he still using?”.

At the end of the day if you know you can never trust him again then you should leave. If you’re not married, have taken no vows, or have kids then I would leave.

I think this is the message the other women are trying to convey and which some people are missing the point of. They’re not demonizing addicts, they’re trying to convey, as best they can, the utter hell of being in a committed relationship with someone they struggle to trust, and how being alone would be preferable to such a situation. They. Are. Not. Wrong.

 

No actually, it's not a moot point and you have missed the entire point of this thread.

OPs question is about where or not porn addiction be can be permanently overcome, not whether she should trust her partner or not. That's a personal decision, nobody is arguing the fact that if he is constantly lying to her and being deceitful, then she may want to reconsider.