Dealing with loss of someone important

I am sorry that happened to you. However, without the "bad", we cannot feel what is "good", they just co-exist. We need to learn to be okay with both the "good" and the "bad", that's everything it is that comes naturally to our lives. We try not to feel attached to the good moments, and not to run away from the bad moments. In this way, even though we may still feel happy or sad about our daily encounters, we accept everything as it is.

 

I know what you mean @SDJR —I've had so many family members die, friends drift away, friends become depressed and dejected at life, and the world feel like its on a bad course as a whole some times. I lost my mother when I was 17 and it devastated me for nearly my entire 20s. Only towards turning 30 did I start to recover my life and begin moving forward. I don't get to see my dad as often as I'd like, and when I do I'm frightened to see him so old and frail. Like you say: how many more opportunities do we have to be with the people important to us?

Such a line of thought can be extrapolated out and generalised to all that we hold dear and the opportunities our lives present us in general. This is much along the lines of reasoning to which my net handle here refers. Memento mori, remember that you will die. Live by that perspective—that moments are finite, that every opportunity is golden. This is the basis for living courageously.

Further to that, I think @desmond318 speaks very well. It ties into the concept of "fate". Good and bad things happen, expect both, accept both, do what you can. Don't stop believing that there is good still left in your life. That belief is what creates the good.

 

I have thoughts like this often. Especially with my dad, because he's had some serious health scares in the past, one of which was a majorly traumatic event that happened when I was pretty young, so I think it's left me with a bit of trauma related to my dad's health. I have intrusive thoughts like this very, very often, especially when I haven't been reading my Bible much or spending any time with God. They are always more frequent and harder to handle when I'm in that place.

Personally, the only thing that really gives me peace is God and knowing that my family is, thankfully, all in good standing with Christ and have accepted salvation through Jesus. So I know that while my time on earth feels long, it's not my home and it's not the end of the story. I will see them again.

Funnily enough, sometimes I get even more depressed about the idea of my cat dying, because I know that will likely be happening much sooner than any of the people I know, and I'm unsure of whether or not past pets will be in heaven. Either way, I trust God and know that everything will be good and wonderful. But it is hard to imagine being happy without my little fur baby.

 

Yeah, she brings me so much joy! <3 Her name is Gallifrey. What are you boys' names?

In addition to reading the Bible and praying, something that helps me sometimes is this quote from Fantastic Beasts. "The way I see it, when you worry, you suffer twice."

I try to remind myself of that whenever those thoughts pop up. Yes, death is going to happen someday. But worrying about it now is just going to make today suck, too. It's not going to help that day suck any less. There's no use in suffering twice.

 

My dad has already passed. The thing about this addiction is that there was a lot of missed time with him. I reflect on how I could have done things differently during his final years.

 

I got into addiction recovery when I was 24. The 4th-9th steps in SAA helped me repair my relationships with my parents and I have a very close, loving relationship with them. As I now approach my 40s, I know they will die soon so I keep trying to give them the best life I can give them and enjoy the time with them.

But I don’t know how I’ll react when they pass away or what it will mean for my life. Me and my wife haven’t had children and I wonder if we should or if I’ll wish we did when my parents pass on. My parents are my best friends now.

 

I have that fear too, as a childless married person. I don't really want kids, but I do worry we will be lonely later in life if we don't have any.

 

I think about how much I help and add to my parents life. I like children but don’t desire having one. It’s so tough. I know older people who have full lives with friends into their 60s and don’t have children.

 

Ugh, I don't envy you there. My sister has three kids, and even if she didn't, I doubt my parents would pressure me at all. They're always really supportive of the fact that their kids are their own people with their own lives, and they never make me feel pressured to have kids.

My husband's mom doesn't have any grandkids, but she has never brought it up, so I haven't had any pressure from her either.

Yeah, for sure. That's definitely not a good reason to have kids.

Yeah, there are plenty of happy, childless people. And in the future, there is always the option of adoption or foster parenting or some other kind of parent-adjacent thing, like mentoring kids or teaching or something.

 

I see similar things with my father as he turns 70. He’s wondering if he’s done enough, lived enough and followed God.

 

Complaining about your wife, your kid or your folks is a common thing to do but most people are devastated when they lose these very same people they keep complaining about and this is one of the leading cause of suicide. If they truly are unhappy with their kids it is within their right to surrender said kids to the state or else to someone else who want them, all this is perfectly legal. Same goes for your wife, divorce is very easy if somewhat pricey and how much time do the modern western man spend with his parent anyways?

Such practicalities have been the main reason for having kids in much of human history, to double your income, make alliances or eventually having them take care of you in your old age among other things.
But interesting times we live in! An aging population, dropping birth rates, and for every cute story of an elderly who are living a full life and are self-sufficient there is probably 10 more where they are too old and disabled to take care of themselves, i still remember my aunt literally starving herself to death maybe due to depression of just to get some attention.
Ironically enough the west fanatical focus on individuality is making them even more communal than societies in africa or asia as the elderly rely more and more on the community as they get older aka nursing homes aka purgatory. Used to be multi generational home was the way to go but now with the traditional family unit(mom, dad, kid) they are just "in the way" and few people like to think about what will happen to them when they eventually get too old and have to rely on strangers.
Choosing the easy life and not having kids is not something that started in this century, ever since the industrial revolution people have started to have smaller and smaller family but even tough such a life is undoubtably easier for the most part, the people who chose that easier life are not our ancestors. Our ancestors were mostly the ones who kept on reproducing and out-competed the ones who had few or no children.

 

What's wrong with that? You do realize there are other ways to live life than just the one you deem "correct," right? Community is a beautiful thing. When I see the tight knit communities of African tribes, I think that's something really special and lovely. The "west" isn't the only part of the world that has something to offer.