Day 69 - Most Challenging Day Yet

I had planned on waiting until day 90 to start a thread, but today I'm really struggling so I figure now's the time. My problem is webcam sex -- meeting "real" people online, not paid performers. I haven't actually done it for nearly a year, but over the last few weeks the urge has been growing and growing. Yesterday I re-registered on a webcam social media site that I had deleted long ago, and today I already received contact from old "friends" there.

Right now I'm a mess and know if I delete the account again I will feel some instant relief. I'm hoping that typing this out will help me straighten out my thoughts a bit and set me in the right direction. I was doing really great in my recovery until somewhere around day 43. I started getting a bit distracted with Psubs. Of course I thought it was minor and manageable, but in hindsight I've been sliding down the slippery slope toward full-blown relapse.

At one point a few years ago, I was so consumed with camming that I started to have bad panic attacks. Once I sorted out that it was indeed the camming life that was causing my anxiety, I began to straighten out, meditate and my anxiety was dissolved. Today it feels like it used to, which scares the shit out of me.

I may post several times today to keep myself out of trouble. I sincerely want to beat this addiction.

 

THANK YOU @diddykong @hji29 @Deadlihood!! Your support truly does help!

Just a few minutes after I clicked "send" on my post, I started to see light spots from an oncoming migraine. I've only ever had migraines from the mood swings I get when I'm on a camming binge. I immediately deactivated the cam-site account and laid down for 15 minutes. My mind was going a little too fast for meditation, but I gave it a shot and started to feel better.

I've had heavy urges over the last 69 days but thought that the strongest were behind me. Boy was I wrong!! I'm starting to feel like I dodged a bullet. Maybe I needed another taste of the agony to reaffirm that cam life is fucking horrible? I do know for sure that each time I defeat strong urges I feel better and more and more confident.

I hadn't done any journaling on this site yet, but have been an avid reader. I've enjoyed a great journal by @Applehead. It must be time to start laying out my story.

 

I did want to also mention something about flatlining. I never really understood what it was, so I looked it up after your comment @diddykong. Thinking back, I think I've been in a pretty steady flatline over the last 10 days or so. It was a kind of steady light funk with no discernible origin. It was so slow and steady I started to think that was my normal self. That's about the time I ramped up the Psubs, which led to the point I was at today.

So there is something to be learned from this: Remember that the flatline isn't forever and that's probably the best time to be most vigilant against Psubs.

I knew I would eventually be an active participant on this NoFap site. I'm glad I'm finally here and good support came to me right away!!

 

The day continues to get better. I feel a bit funky from the stress I went through and mild migraine but am very relieved overall. I got some racy photos in my email inbox from a "friend" from the cam-site. I clicked open the email and immediately my blood boiled. I probably used to associate that feeling as something good, but now I know it's nothing beneficial and needs to be nipped in the bud immediately. After a 90-second mental wrestling match, I deleted the email (completely) and blocked the sender. After that I felt a surge of strength. It felt good to make the right choice and to do it relatively swiftly.

In my previous battles with really strong urges, I've noticed that the following day I tend to have a heavy burning anger. I chalk it up to my brain being angry at me for denying it something it thinks will lead to pleasure. I'll be sure to proceed with caution tomorrow.

I did some stretching and that always seems to help. I'm breathing easy and confident that I've made it past this episode. I originally decided to do 90 days PMO, but after a couple weeks of success, decided that immediately after the 90 days, I would start a journal and log another 90 days. Well, out of necessity I've started journaling a bit earlier than expected. I'm fine with that and will readjust my long-term plan sometime in the next week.

Thanks again everyone for your help. You will hear more from me now that I'm an actual registered member of the site.

 

No problems last night with urges. But I just realized a new problem. When I had signed up again for the cam site I created a junk email account. I also used that email to sign up here on the NoFap site. Just having that junk email account open is giving me all sorts of ridiculous temptations. I think it's a reminder of times past. Most likely I'm going to have to close the account. I should still be able to sign in/access NoFap. By having the account closed I will have no portal to begin to access the dark world I'm trying so hard to distance myself from. Sometimes defeating this addiction is a game of Whack-A-Mole.....

 

Well....I had a shit day of absolute weakness. I spent much of the day emailing women on Craigslist posts. Holy shit that's new territory for me. I didn't give away any personal info and didn't MO. I wasn't aroused but certainly the circuitry in my brain was enticed. I'm going to close out the email account literally right now.

Ok, account is closed. I changed the password and answer to security questions to an absurd string of numbers and letters that I can't possible ever crack.

I'm going to spend a little time typing my current thoughts. Here goes:

The past 2 days have been a roller coaster that I no longer have any tolerance for. I mean that literally and figuratively. I don't have any tolerance built up for the anxiety, shame, etc... that this behavior evokes in me. I'm quite literally sickened right now. Even thought I deleted the cam site account and the junk email account, I've spent large portions of the last 2 days essentially in the P-trance. I do understand a large part of the angle of my personal struggle with trying to meet people online in this crude way. I'm soliciting women and fishing for compliments about me, my body, my sense of humor, really just about anything. Starving for compliments like this is some part of me that feels inferior. I went to a therapist for nearly a year and learned almost immediately that I've been feeling genetically inferior my entire life, because when I was 2 years old my dad committed suicide. I've always thought sub-consciously and even been remotely conscious that I sincerely believed I had flawed DNA/genetics because of the suicide -- like I'm from stock that's of a lesser quality than everyone else. I'd always struggled with heavy depressive "eras" of my life, but I thought that my thinking was who I am as a person, and that I couldn't change that. After my first migraine/panic attack almost 2 years ago, I went to the doctor thinking I had a brain tumor or some terrible malady. They ran all the diagnostics and wrote me a prescription for 10 visits to a therapist. I was really bad off. My anxiety was relentless. Every waking moment I was completely consumed by depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I was hopelessly addicted to watching P and camming during my work hours (I work on computer all day alone), but I hadn't fully connected the P/cams to the panic.

At some point I knew the camming was a huge part of my problems. One day after I was done working I walked out to my car, then turned around, unlocked my office, went in and yanked the cam out of the computer. I walked outside and flung it into a dumpster. As soon as I got back to my car I was gasping for air and my lungs were finally giving it to me. I was literally talking out loud, "OMG, OMG, OMG....". I had discovered my biggest demon!

I was still too close to the demon to bring it up to the therapist. Instead we worked on my thoughts/feelings/beliefs about my dad's suicide. I'm very hard working and took to the task like it was my job. I read books on meditation, and a few really good books by David Burns (one is called Feeling Good, another is When Panic Attacks). With the meditation, therapy and books I was able to shink the anxiety to a much more manageable format and size. I was still MOing every day in the shower and probably PMOing as well. I don't remember exactly.

At some point maybe 4 or so months ago I was able to make the connection that I had been using MO as a comforting tool since I discovered M around age 13. The discovery was pretty benign. I had been watching some regular movie and saw an attractive actress or something. I became naturally aroused, but this was stronger than I'd ever had. I went in my room and M'd to completion without any idea that I was far enough in puberty for that to happen. The O was so powerful I was light-headed and had to immediately sit on my bed. I spent a few moments looking at the by-product. How strange that I now had this unusual power.

From then on I would M maybe a few times a week. Usually to the lingerie section of the Penny's catalog or to my yearbook. Sex was now a possibility for me and the only girls I knew were from school. I was always very shy and knew I wasn't bold enough to initiate actual sex, so I would M thinking about making out or something.

I'm realizing right now that I really have an incredible amount to journal. This is good because it seems clear to me that I've reached a new level of my recovery that requires a stronger fight. Today is day 70 of no MO (looking at women's pics on the cam site and CL the last 2 days count as P as far as I'm concerned). I'm sorry if you've been reading this and hoping for some type of resolution, point or deeper insight. This is going to take time. My immediate concern is to get the rest of the day under my belt -- I already know I will since I won't be at a computer. Tomorrow I'm in work meetings so it's a good day to begin to dilute the damage I've done over these past two days.

70 days of no MO. I like that I haven't completely abandoned my initial goal, but I do really wish I wasn't in this current episode -- it's in many ways a relapse by my own account. Typing out this scattered entry has really brought me back to earth. New skill to work on: journaling INSTEAD of dicking around online <---see what I did there? Now that I'm interacting a bit with other users on this site I understand the benefit. I was fighting this alone and in the dark. Huge thanks to Sir Edmund NoFap or whoever put this site together. It really has been life-changing.

 

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm typing this from my phone so I'll be brief. I'm feeling good today. Have a bit of hangover from the anxiety yesterday but my confidence is strong and I don't see any serious threats to my streak on the immediate horizon. There's a day or two in November when my wife will be out of town for work. I had been worried about a relapse during that time, but having this recent exposure to how awful I feel chasing dopamine will likely help curb any big urges. As weird as it sounds, my self confidence might be at its highest point since I began reboot. Note to self: Strong urges are like a fever breaking. Just past them is true recovery.

Much love to all who offered kind words. Keep pushing!!

 

Day 73 of no MO. Last week was the hardest I've faced. It was also a week of great realizations.

Just a bit of back-story: I have not cammed for nearly a year. Last week I did re-register for a social media cam site that I used to use a few years ago. After spending the day clicking around on many of the profile pictures and panicking that I was spiraling toward relapse, I created an account here, started this journal and deleted the cam-site account. The following day I torturing myself because of the junk email account I had set up. I even ended up going on craigslist and sending out some emails to women's postings there -- essentially phishing for photos and conversation. That same day I ended up deleting the email account and have not created another one. The time I spent on CL was likely me chasing the dopamine I had reenacted the day before while on the cam site. It wasn't until I deleted the email account that I felt like I had truly decided to abstain and my panic dissolved. I spent a good weekend away from the computer completely.

Today I am working, so obviously on the computer. I may post a few times here and there. I'm not sure if I should start a new thread that will be a proper journal or just keep this one rolling. Hmm....