Coming Back after more than 4 years to this account ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING

God evening everyone I gotta say this is my hopefully last try of nofap, I am currently on day 35 and I haven't got any urges in over 2 weeks.
What has changed from previous times that I tried and I failed at around day 15?? Well I changed, I started again nofap after 4 months of forgetting about it because I was getting uncontrollable, I was going out and only thinking about getting laid I was feeling low slefsteem again and I felt like a void that only a girl could fill, I needed a girl just to make myself feel better I wanted a girl to fill a void just to make myself feel good to say oh look I can have a great girl I must be pretty.
This behavior and type of thinking was really hurting me because I tried and tried to get girls and because of it I couldn't get them and this would just make me feel like shit like no girl wants me I must be super ugly and shit. So I decided I needed to stop, I had in mind why I wanted to stop it wasnt a stupid reason it was to change me and my life.
And so I took the chance and after a week of nofap because I was away from home and didn't have the opportunity I just kept doing it, moved to a new city and started exercising regular, after a week from exercising I decided to start a diet (I'm 190cm and 92 kg strong but with a 17% of corporal fat at least) and I wanted to drop it till a 10%. I've tried before but never been able to follow a diet for more than 2 days, now I'm nearly 3 weeks into it. Exercising daily also.
What I have noticed about 35 days in NoFap:
- I'm happier, more motivated I have more self discipline
- music is better for sure
- I'm in a much better shape
- I've got more energy
- I work better
- I socialize better with women (BUT there is a big BUT)
The big but is that while yeah I socialize better with women I don't want to fuck and I've achieved a level of knowledge and standards and actually said rejected 2 girls because I didn't wanna fuck them (they were ugly and I considered more friends) I still feel super awkward with girls I would fuck.
While I have developed the ability to be friendly and not awkward with girls I'm not attracted to, I still feel supper awkward and needy around girls I wanna fuck.
And I can't change my mentality, I've been saying to myself "stop. Thinking that you are doing NoFap for 3 months so u aren't gonna get laid in 3 months" but every time I go out party (I don't drink) or meet a new girl I start imagining like okay km gonna fuck her and then we gonna be fuck buddies etc etc.
I still feel that void that only women can fill, I still feel down because I don't have a hot girlfriend, I can't get into my head that I'm not gonna get laid for 3 months,, that I don't want to.
Because okay I haven't fucked in like 4 months but that's only because I haven't had the opportunity If I had the opportunity before nofap to fuck with any girl I would do it, no matter fat or ugly, now with NoFap I rejected 2 girls but if a hot girl came I would fuck her, and I don't want I want to be 3 months hard mode but I can't stoo thinking about girls, it's like I need to fill something I need them to feel better with myself, and I already feel much better, working out I look good etc but I CAN'T STOP THINKING LIKE THAT I DON'T KNOW IF I'M DOING SOMETHING WRONG I JUST WANT THESE FEELINGS TO STOP I DLNT WANT TO THINK ABOUT GIRLS THE WAY I DO, LIKE I NEED THEM TO BE FULLY HAPPY, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE NORMAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEM AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO





NOVEMBER 2023 UPDATE JUMP TO PAGE 2

 

It's not so much that I focused on trying a one night stand, Is more that I want to feel loved and that someone cares about me like I need something more stable but at the same time I don't want a girlfriend and all the trouble that comes within it.
It's like I explain like I have a void I don't know how to fill except with women

 

Yeah man, thanks for the kind words, and it's true I guess porn has messed up my brain during years I can't really expect to get back to normal in 35 days so I guess I'll just keep doing what im doing, also trying to add meditation to the mix, I will try to do it daily even for 5 minutes.
And let's see where I am, in 2 months.
I just want to stop being like this, sexualizing all women

 

Thank you very much for this message, I will for sure keep working on it, I mean, in terms of general I am much better. I know when an urge is starting and I can immediately change the subject of my thinking because I don't want to mastirbate Im so good now, but u know I feel like I'm in a dark place and somebody has told me keep going straight you will see the light, but I don't see it yet so I'm walking in faith and discipline on the hopes of one day seeing the light.
What would u recommend to stop looking for external validation?

 

What's up guys?
Well it's 51 days, hahaha days past really fast to be honest, i don't even count them anymore only when I'm about to make a post.
So quick recap, after I rejected this girl I felt really proud.
I've kept working on my self, hitting hard the gym, keep doing the diet and honestly I feel great, I don't even want to get laid anymore till I found the right girl, Is like I got my virginity back and I don't want to waste it on somebody that's not special.
I do think about girls but the way I think about them has changed a lot, I really think I don't need them.
Now I don't know what to do, I'm living in Germany for an internship
Because In the hotel where I work the food in the cantine is shit and I hate to it that Food, is all frozen and with a ton of shitty oil I hate it.
What I've been doing Is just cook every day at night (when there isnt the housekeeping manager in the hotel) and save it in tuppers.
But today the engineering manager (who had already saw that I had some chicken filets in the minibar) entered in to my room and saw more food in the minibar and that I had a sock put on the smoke detector (I've been cooking like that for 20+days and no problem) but now I don't know what to do, he obviously knows that I'm cooking but he said it to me like, instead of the sock put some plastic on the smoke detector is safer than the sock. So he doesn't care that I cook,, but I don't know, I could get expelled from my internship if they catch me cooking in the room but I hate the food in the cantine and they won't let me cook my own food in the kitchen. I don't know what to do

 

As many people said Before nofap isn't magical you have to use all that energy that you are going to get to do somehtin useful with you life, plus is the only thing that will prevent you from relapsing to have always something to do, be it gym, be it learn a language whatever.
And don't worry man, I understand the feeling it has happened to me before along with a really quick ejaculation, now I just don't even care about sex, I don't think if I'm going to last much or not really, because sex isn't only about penetration it has to be about intimacy with somebody you like, doesn't have to be your girlfriend but neither a one night stand that you aren't going to see again it's stupid to waste your energy life in those woman.
Once you develop this concept and clean yourself from porn you will see it, most important, don't try to see if you are improving, if you enter into a flatline don't try to get yourself hard, let it be my friend, don't try anything, don't think what if I'm not improving, just let it be and you will get there.
Do this for you, to become the best version of yourself you can be, focus on other things while doing nofap but still keep coming back here reading material informing yourself, anylize your thoughts , try to change the ones you know are wrong and fucking you up, and well as said in AA, keep coming back it works if you work it, so work it you are worth it

 

Hey guys whatsuppp! I already did 60 days and passed them.
I've kept myself busy this days, Travelling around Europe visiting some friends and well not much to say tho I'm worried of something.

THIS CAN BE A MAJOR TRIGGER FOR SOMEBODY SO PLEASE IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU COULD HAVE A TRIGGER READING THIS DON'T READ IT.



So, my friends came to visit and the girl that was always trying to kiss me again started to dance with me and everything when we went out, this time I did kiss her but nothing more even tho she asked me to go home with her.
But my friends they kept saying to me that we should all go with her, like make a foursome which I thought it was funny.
We didn't end up doing it, but next day another girl who I fucked before (she is ugly and a hoe) started to text us and I said to them with this girl we could really do a foursome, now I'm not gonna lie to myself I also wanted to do it and that's what got me thinking is this a relapse or not (I know I obviously failed to myself because I promised to wait for the right girl but this was my friends it was more of a funny thing to do between friends than a sex thing) but I don't know if I did this because my brain is so dirty with porn or because I really wanted to, I don't know and I learnt to forgive myself so I don't give it too much importance now, but still it has me troubled.

I feel like I lost some mental clarity after that and that my brain got a little dirtier than it was, but then again I kept thinking it wasn't that bad my friends also did it but I was 5he only one that fucked her (she just blew them) when I really didn't want to because she was ugly and fat I don't know what happened to me.


Anyway guys what do you think?

 

Anybody reads me anymore?