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BDSM chats online made me realize

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023.

  1. Jul 30, 2023 #1
    WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

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    Last night I had some chats online about BDSM and I will admit that I relapsed to stop me from doing something stupid. It is embarrassing to have once been able to go for months with ease, to the sorry state that I am in now. But, this made me confront something.

    I have been acting like my problems are separate, but they are not really. I have acted like if I eat healthy food and hold my semen in for months then I can then overcome my problem mindset. That is wrong. I should do those things, but I am still holding on to all my old weakness. Even when I have changed a great deal.

    I think that I am afraid to be better, because then I would have to admit that I am not the kid that I was. All the problems in my life are interconnected and maybe I need to cut some ties that I have been avoiding to see myself as moving on.

    The BDSM stuff that we discussed, on reading it back, sounds a lot like how I felt as a kid, when I felt powerless. I can not change how I felt, but I can change what I do. One thing I do is tell myself stories about myself. Maybe I can preform the act of telling myself a different story about myself. Maybe new stories will make me feel different now.
     
    WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023
    WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023
    #1
    Hard Mode, Son_Of_GodSource, VikingThor and 1 other person like this.
  2. Jul 30, 2023 #2
    WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

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    Masterbation is a strategy for avoidance. As my desire to avoid things has been increasing, the challenge of not doing it increases.
     
    WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023
    WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023
    #2
    +TenPercent likes this.
  3. Jul 30, 2023 #3
    Don80

    Don80 Fapstronaut

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    Dealing with real problems is painful and sometimes not all of them can be solved or it requires a year or longer of efforts to learn a new skill, sometimes it takes almost lifetime to realize something important.
     
    Don80, Jul 30, 2023
    Don80, Jul 30, 2023
    #3
    VikingThor, +TenPercent and WhiteLion like this.
  4. Jul 30, 2023 #4
    WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

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    In the last couple of years I have found new ways to deal with my real problems and I had great improvements. At this point, I must be past the newbie grains stage of improving myself. I am getting frustrated that I am not past this yet, but that lust for results is part of the problem.
     
    WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023
    WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023
    #4
    +TenPercent and Don80 like this.
  5. Jul 30, 2023 #5
    WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, while I was wronged in the past, I am the one that did the most damage to myself. How is it that I am letting people, some long dead, have this influence over me decades later?
     
    WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023
    WhiteLion, Jul 30, 2023
    #5
  6. Jul 30, 2023 #6
    Don80

    Don80 Fapstronaut

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    Listen to your thoughts. Pay attention to them. Can you hear the inner critic? (any harsh criticism?) That's not your voice. It's the conditioning that your brain stuck to. I always thought it was me but it's not. I read it in some book. Don't allow any negative self-talk. Think of some positive words - for me it's: "You can do it! You always do it!".

    Negative self-talk doesn't do you any good.

    Also analyze your past, your childhood. You can use a piece of paper. Think about the people that wronged you. Analyze the situation again. You were just a child or a just teen. Now you are an adult person. You are smarter. Maybe someone took advantage of you. But that's their problem, not yours. Forgive yourself if you made a mistake or explain to yourself that you couldn't do better then. Move on. Don't hold on to those bad memories. You are in the present. The events of the past have already vanished. You just keep them alive in your head. The past is the past. You have the present moment you can work on. Allow yourself to have a fresh start.
     
    Don80, Jul 30, 2023
    Don80, Jul 30, 2023
    #6
    Son_Of_GodSource and WhiteLion like this.
  7. Jul 31, 2023 #7
    WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I will do all of that. It is worth noting that people in the BDSM chat directly told me that I was being very hard on myself and struggled with establishing boundaries.
     
    WhiteLion, Jul 31, 2023
    WhiteLion, Jul 31, 2023
    #7
  8. Jul 31, 2023 #8
    Don80

    Don80 Fapstronaut

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    There's a book "No More Mr Nice Guy' - it helped me understand a lot of my issues. I've read dozens of psychology books but this one hit the nail on the head. Don't get tricked by the title - it doesn't encourage to be selfish, brutal or heartless. It advocates finding your own self-worth and it shows that people will respect you more if you treat yourself with respect. Trying to please everyone else and ignoring your own needs in the process is self-defeating childlike strategy, which some parents try impose on their children.
     
    Don80, Jul 31, 2023
    Don80, Jul 31, 2023
    #8
    WhiteLion likes this.
  9. Jul 31, 2023 #9
    loneloan

    loneloan Fapstronaut

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    what 99% cured me of femdom fetish was coming across tiktoks by "femdom" women. Such basic attitudes\generic looks, asinine and annoyingly bratty "gimme money" type of persons. Basically glorified beggars who pick a poor guy for that stuff and even tho they dont have normal sex, they still are hyper piky...Basically a horrible community, overall
     
    loneloan, Jul 31, 2023
    loneloan, Jul 31, 2023
    #9
    WhiteLion likes this.
  10. Jul 31, 2023 #10
    WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

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    The findoms are funny, I love the "tribute to talk" thing. Bitch, no one knows who you are.
     
    WhiteLion, Jul 31, 2023
    WhiteLion, Jul 31, 2023
    #10
  11. Jul 31, 2023 #11
    WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

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    We have a swear filter on here? Cool, that means that this was my first time swearing here.
     
    WhiteLion, Jul 31, 2023
    WhiteLion, Jul 31, 2023
    #11
    loneloan likes this.

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