Accountability for All

Day 2

I have taken some more steps to completely erase triggers. There are some mild triggers popping up from time to time and it struck me that maybe even these minor triggers from mainstream news websites etc keeps seeping into my subconcious. Its not that I didnt know it but I guess I believed I could handle them as it is impossible to completely avoid all triggers anyways.

I have had some mental health problems resurfacing today. I think it is actually connected to this new painkiller I tried out but I dont know for sure. My mind goes at a million miles an hour and it bothered me to such a degree that I decided to meditate for an hour straight.

 

Day 347

Had a cleaning day yesterday, despite the pain in my wrist. I went to an appointment yesterday afternoon and came back a few hours later. After that I went to my girl's house, as she invited me for dinner. She cooked a delicious dinner for us and we spoke through the intake of the addiction facility that I will have Friday. We also spoke through the fact that my welfare ends soon, but that it would be good to not jump into action. Instead I need to experience what it does to me. I feel uncomfortable, because when my welfare ends, I have to have a new source of income. This creates some anxiety in me. However, my girl and I spoke about this, so I'm okay with focusing on my process first.

Workout: day 240
Still had pain in my wrist the whole day, so I didn't do any exercise

Walking: day 247
I took a 20+ min walk in the afternoon and a small walk in the neighborhood in the evening. Did my 5 min. bike ride and promoted myself to a 6 min. bike ride from now on.

Screentime: day 247
1:47 hours on Whatsapp and 0:13 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish words and reading a post on NF)

Lying: day 28
Your partner helps you for you, not so much for her. It is good to consider that this is the case. Be open to your girl, but also say what you need to say. Be gentle.

Meditation: day 337
3 sessions. 35 minutes.

PMO study: day 347
Opened YBOP and looked at the different brain pathways that addiction creates/destroys. Your reward center gets an enormous boost from PMO, but the activity in your prefrontal cortex decreases. This results in not being able to stop the addictive behavior anymore. We want to stop, but we need the PMO to feel better. We simply cannot stop.

Sleep: day 202
Slept well but a bit late.

Healthy eating: day 202
No sugar day. My girl cooked good food and we had a good time together.

Cold showers: day 247
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

Summary of last week:

5/7 days clean

Kept a relatively good sleep schedule. Slept until 11.30 on Saturday, otherwise early.

Grateful: Sticked to it all week and I am probably on a 4+ weeks streak. I still need to work on it a little more (the habit). I want to do it first thing in the morning but often forget until much later.

Meditation: 10 session, around 30 minutes on average. I think I should do shorter sessions and aim to do them more often.

Journal: Been journaling every day for the past few months and I dont think I need to track it much longer. It is a solid habit.

School: 27h. One off day on Friday. My mom visited for a few hours and I was too tired afterwards to get started.

Reading: 101 pages. I just finished "the monk who sold his ferrari" and have started reading "As it is" which is a book on meditation.

Workout: 3 sessions.

Business: 6/7 days

weight: 107.5kg. I am in a caloric deficit but I still seem to be gaining weight. I have started taking creatine recently. Might be water weight.

Steps: 45K

Energy drinks: 5

Spanish: 4.5 hours

Talking with strangers: 10

 

Day 348

Tried to not put too much weight on my wrist, as it is still a bit painful. Push ups went okay, but I shouldn't do them too deeply. It was again a cleaning day today as I have washed all of my blouses. Talked to my girl in the evening.

Furthermore, my blocksite was down yesterday. I was seriously irked, as I can never find the answer I'm looking for in the blocksite FAQ. I noticed that I wasn't tempted to do anything when the blocksite was down, instead of trying to fix it. I made a new (and better) list and uploaded that to all versions of my blocksite.

Workout: day 241
Did some light pushups

Walking: day 248
I took a 20+ min walk in the afternoon and a 20+ min walk in the neighborhood in the evening. Did my 6 min. bike ride.

Screentime: day 248
4:05 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:25 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish words and reading a post on NF)

Lying: day 29
Try to see what is needed for you to be open to her words. Can you look into self why you are not open? Try to start there and, for example, bring it out.

Meditation: day 338
3 sessions. 50 minutes.

PMO study: day 348
Opened YBOP and read about the addiction pathways. The brain has evolved to be easily sensitized to these cues, as it would prove very beneficial in the past. Remember that the human race developed in a scarce environment and that our brain is not equipped to handle surplus very well. Too many mates will lead to a binge and will exhaust the body, as the brain thinks it has hit the evolutionary jackpot. Same goes for food and actually everything that is unlimitedly available.

Sleep: day 203
Slept well yesterday.

Healthy eating: day 203
Sugar day yesterday and I ate some cookies and some ice cream. Ate beef rolls in tomato sauce with rice and salad.

Cold showers: day 248
Took 2 cold showers yesterday! I keep on pushing the limits. New iceman over here.

 

Day 4

Good day. Productive and social. Didnt do everything on my habit tracker but thats mostly because school took priority and there is no hours left in the day.

 

Day 349

Started doing my push ups again carefully. Woke up with some strain on my wrist, so I still need to be careful. Spoke a lot with my girl yesterday and we really took the time to speak things through. I need to learn to not express my frustration in ways that hurt the other, but I was a bit at my wit's end yesterday. Good to move on from there and not stay there too long.

Workout: day 242
Did some light pushups. No burpees and no workout yet.

Walking: day 249
I took a 20+ min walk in the afternoon and a short walk in the neighborhood in the evening. Did my 6 min. bike ride.

Screentime: day 249
3:51 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:16 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish words and reading a post on NF)

Lying: day 30
Take a break if you become frustrated. Certain things cannot be restored if they are broken. Consider this carefully before you say anything that might hurt the other.

Meditation: day 339
3 sessions. 40 minutes.

PMO study: day 349
Opened YBOP and read about the difficulty of a chaser early on in the NF journey. Your brain is still wired to respond to P. You need to have sufficient time and work done to bring certain things (not PMO!) back into your life. I read somewhere on the forum that if you're serious, you need to become comfortable with the fact that you will never PMO anymore. This will give you the best source of freedom in your life.

Sleep: day 204
Slept well yesterday, but short. Will pick up my girl really early.

Healthy eating: day 204
No sugar day. My girl is a real kitchen queen and whipped up chicken stir fry without a recipe! She takes such good care of me.

Cold showers: day 249
Took 1 cold shower yesterday.

 

Day 5

Been at school all day. Gained two new friends. It has happened gradually by chatting with them regularly but today I asked for their names.

 

Day 350

Picked up my girl really early yesterday. Way before morning rush hour and also before the shops were open. She had to do assessments for her job coach and she needed the time to do these assessments. We did these assessments together and it took us until 3:30 PM. After that, we had a nice evening together and I brought her back a bit late.

Workout: day 243
Did some light pushups. Still no burpees and no workout yet. I will try to do my workout again today.

Walking: day 250
I took a 20+ min walk in the afternoon and a 10+ min walk in the neighborhood in the evening. Did my 6 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 250
0:45 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:05 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 31
It is important to do fun stuff together as well. This process takes up a lot of time and mental space and can become the main thing you speak about. However, it is important that the other things are also being done.

Meditation: day 340
2 sessions. 15 minutes.

PMO study: day 350
Opened YBOP and read about the addiction pathways in our brain. Dopamine is the chemical that makes us want to do something, but we don't necessarily have to like it. There is a whole set of chemicals that tries to balance behavior we do after getting this Dopamine hit. This makes it very difficult to stop. We need to be relentless in making the decision, but gentle in pushing the boundaries of what we can and can't do. If our initial choice is not doing PMO, we need to stick to that no matter what. How we push the boundaries further to create the life you want, free of the shackles of this nasty addiction, needs to be in small steps.

Sleep: day 205
Slept well.

Healthy eating: day 205
Switched sugar day with Friday. My girl bought me some pastry at the bakery and we enjoyed it together.

Cold showers: day 250
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

Day 6

Easter Holliday at school. Talked with a girl before the test. I have seen her around campus a bit but never talked with her. We exchanged names. After the test today, I didnt feel like leaving school. I have spent over 200 hours in that building this year. I sat down in a couch and checked my results. They where slightly dissappointing considering that I probably worked harder than anyone in class. I got 70% on the test. Then I went to the gym because I wanted to see some more people today.

Going to play some computer game with a friend tonight. I havent played in half a year. Being done with school for now and seeing everyone leave campus for the next two weeks was a bit anti climatic. Now I will have to figure out a plan. Reach out to a couple of friends maybe.

 

Day 351

Had a lovely day yesterday. Oriented myself on some freelance jobs shortly and picked up my girl in the evening. We went into the city, took a quick bite and went shopping. Also prepared for my intake with the addiction facility today, but didn't prepare too much. I'm curious what they will find.

Workout: day 244
Did my pushups. No burpees, but pushups. I have done my workout and have altered some exercises.

Walking: day 251
I took a 20+ min walk in the afternoon , a walk through the city with my girl and a 10+ min walk in the neighborhood in the evening. Did my 6 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 251
2:11 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:12 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish)

Lying: day 32
Having fun together is important. It lets you focus on the whole of the relationship instead of on the tough bits only. Also realize that you and your partner are different people. You respond to different things and act differently.

Meditation: day 341
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 351
Opened NVC; a language of life and read about the whole process of learning to communicate non-violently. It is far more thorough than I thought it would, but I think it is good study material. The first step is giving from the heart and that you want to speak to someone. If you think you must do something because you have to, you are not giving from the heart.

Sleep: day 206
Slept well. My girl slept over at my place.

Healthy eating: day 206
No sugar day yesterday. We had Greek food for dinner. It feels so clean and healthy, although it was street food.

Cold showers: day 251
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. I keep pushing it!

 

Day 7

It was a close call this morning. I got hit by mental fatigue and I had strong urges. Hitting the gym was a deciding factor today. I have been out walking a bit and worked out my glutes, chest and upper back. Then I walked back home and will hit my 10K daily steps goal when I go out tonight to celebrate having survived the first two months of school. Crossed paths with my yoga teacher. I am avoiding her almost if I am not in class but she always seems to be in the same places as me so I guess I need to give up on that. It is getting weird. I am going out of my way to not seem like a pervert. She seems really nice in person but I am struggling around her.

 

Good stuff man. You're doing well! Keep up. Make it to day 10

 

Day 352

Had an intake with the psychiatrist yesterday and it was a very good talk. My girl came with me and the intake lasted all morning. The psychiatric nurses who conducted the intake were very upbeat and made a lot of jokes. I told them my whole process and they said that I was already doing really well, however they noted some areas where they could still greatly help me. I said that keeping a job was still a challenge for me and they said that when I could keep a job, that this would greatly reduce the risk of relapse. They would also teach me who to deal with my emotions.

Workout: day 245
Did my pushups and my workout.

Walking: day 252
My girl and I took a few walks in the city between and after the intake and a 15+ min walk in the neighborhood in the evening.

Screentime: day 252
0:49 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:08 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish)

Lying: day 33
Let the other help you to get further. It might not be what you like, but it might be just what you need.

Meditation: day 342
2 sessions. 35 minutes.

PMO study: day 352
Opened NVC; a language of life and read about how to distinguish feelings from thoughts. It sounds easy, but it is harder than it sounds. We usually say ‘I feel’ but then express a thought. A feeling is usually one word, but it can be difficult or confronting to get to it.

Sleep: day 207
Slept well. My girl slept again at my place.

Healthy eating: day 207
No sugar day actually, but I had an extra sugar day. I had chocolate mousse for dessert.

Cold showers: day 252
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. I keep rocking it

 

Day 353

Had a nice day with my girl. We walked in the forest and visited a neighboring village.It was nice weather and we had a blast there. Afterwards my girl cooked us a delicious meal and we ate it with delight.

I had quite bad nerve tics yesterday and it was probably some anxiety from the conversation with the addiction facility Friday. It's better now.

Workout: day 246
Had a rest day yesterday as my wrist still slightly hurts. Will have a rest day again today.

Walking: day 253
My girl and I took a walk in the forest and a walk in the village. I did a 5+ min walk in the neighborhood in the evening.

Screentime: day 253
0:11 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:09 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish)

Lying: day 34
Let the other say what they want to say and be open to that. It might not always be fun, but you can learn from that. It's not always about your feeling, but also about learning together.

Meditation: day 343
3 sessions. 50 minutes.

PMO study: day 353
Opened NVC; a language of life and did my exercises of distinguishing observations from evaluations. Read about that it is very easy for us to be static in our language, as our language is designed to speak about constants in a world of change. Instead we need to weave change and progress in our language by not taking a given for a given.

Sleep: day 208
Slept well. Brought my girl back home early

Healthy eating: day 208
No sugar day actually, but I had an extra sugar day. My girl bought me delicious pastry and I ate it. It hit the spot and I really enjoyed it.

Cold showers: day 253
Took 1 cold shower and 1 warm shower to calm my nerves yesterday.

 

Day 1

Relapsed at day 8 (Saturday). It is currently midnight and I stayed Sunday clean.

Summary of last week:

Sleep have been worse and I have been less diciplined with bedtime. Slept in late on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday. Sunday was really an outlier. I woke up at 13.30. Managed my target time at 9 am 3 out of 7 days.

Dreams: I started remembering my dreams again at the end of my 8 day streak. Today I didnt remember anything so I didnt have anything to write down as usual.

My morning routine isnt consistent yet. I plan to try this and that but oftentimes my pain levels decide for me wheter I am getting out of bed fast or slow. I dont usually listen to David Goggins but I saw a podcast with him and some doc. The doc explained something quite interesting about the brain. I dont remember the name of it but it is responsible for what we could call "the will to live". Every time you encounter something that sucks but go into it anyways, you strengthen this part of the brain. It resonnated with me and mr Goggins is sort of the embodiment of "embrace the suck". Dr Hubberman then explained that once you enjoy the suck, this brain part shrinks again. And thats where Goggins served the punch line: Some days I wake up and really dont want to do it. But I know I have to. I know I will do it anyways.

Gratefulness: 6/7 days. Today I did it in the morning which is when it makes the most sense. After jotting this down my next objective is to make my bed. But it is often interrupted by me jogging to the kitchen to warm up a pillow for my neck or juggling around with painkillers, trying to gauge how many pills I need to get the worst of it out of the way. I am also trying to add the opposite of this to my evening routune. A negative vizualization of sorts where I write down all my problems but add an solution to it as well. I am more skilled at finding problems but I think I have been surpressing some pretty legit problems that cant go on unadressed. I feel a little more whole after this negative visualization thing already.

Meditate: 7/14 sessions. I havent been consistent. I am going for really long sessions of 30-45 minutes but as a result I often skip taking a 5 minute session in the morning. I have time for 5 minutes but I dont have time for 30 minutes. Also having meditation ingrained in more of the stuff I do is something I am aiming towards. I find meditation to be the single most important thing I do in my life.

Journal: 7 days out of 7 as usual. May stop tracking this one. It is solid.

School: 21/30 hours. Easter Holliday. I still want to stick with it but its not as pressing as usual.

Read: 100/100 pages

workout: 4/4

Fasting: 1/7

Keto: 1/7. I started the diet again today and was weakened but made it a pretty productive day.

Business: 4/7 days for 90 minutes in total. My goal is to do it daily. Spending 1 hour one day and nothing the next isnt progress. If I can do 10-20 minutes a day, every day then thats progress.

Upland: It is a gaming project I am working on and got quite a bit of money in. I need to get more diciplined with it. 3/7 days and not a lot. I have an aversion about getting started since I have to catch up on so much.

Weight: 108.1kg. Up 3 kg in a few weeks. Thats why I decided to go back on Keto.

Steps: 59K which is a lot better than last week. I am pretty happy with 59K but if I can hit 70K consistently, thats the penacle of the walking skill at least.

Energy drinks: Abstained 4/7 days

Spanish: Did my daily lessons and 4h in total.

English: Learned 8 new words of advanced or uncommon English

Spending: Way too much. Junk food is expensive. Also 10 dollars for a beer.

Interactions: 11/10. Overshot target by 1. Talked to 11 girls for at least a full minute this week.

PMO: 6/7 days clean. Down on Saturday, back at it on Sunday.

 

Day 354

Had a nice day yesterday. I had a cleaning day and had an appointment in the afternoon. Spoke to my girl in the evening and we managed to speak about certain things that we felt throughout the day. It was a bit of a struggle, but we managed eventually.

Workout: day 247
Had a rest day yesterday. Will start again with my pushups and my workout.

Walking: day 254
I took a 20+ min walk in the afternoon and it started raining very hard. I was drenched. In the evening I took a 20+ min walk in the neighborhood

Screentime: day 254
2:41 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:16 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish, reading on NF and making my posts)

Lying: day 35
Find a middle ground in what both of you say. Neither you or your partner hold the truth, but one is probably a bit more in the right direction than the other one. You need to see that you think that what you feel and experience is the truth and that your partner does the same for her feelings and experiences. The objective truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

Meditation: day 344
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 354
Read in NVC; a language of life about feelings that are actually no feelings. They might be judgments, thoughts or a whole range of other things, but not feelings. When we say ‘I feel that you're full of sht’ it's a thought, because a feeling is typically one word and is about us. ‘I feel sad’ can be used to speak about a feeling. And it is important to grow our list of feelings and emotions so that we have more words to pick from

Sleep: day 209
Slept well. Went to bed at 10 PM

Healthy eating: day 209
No sugar day. Had stuffed paprika for dinner.

Cold showers: day 254
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

I think this is an important factor to look at. It are the underlying problems that make you run away into the 'safety blanket' of something as degrading as PMO.

 

Day 355

Did some work preparation and looked for a few job openings to see what is asked for. The job offers were pretty standard and unexciting. I'm looking for jobs where they hire me as an entrepreneur and there haven't seen anything interested yet.

Workout: day 248
Did my pushups and workout yesterday.

Walking: day 255
Took two 20+ min walks yesterday and a 6 min bike rode.

Screentime: day 255
2:59 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:11 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish, responding on NF and making my posts)

Lying: day 36
The way you say something is very important, because it lets the other understand what you mean and how you mean it. You might be clear and short in your messaging, but your partner would surely like to have a bit more context. She would probably want to know your thinking and why you have chosen to do something.

Meditation: day 345
4 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 355
Read in NVC; a language of life about feelings that are actually no feelings. I did the practices for this chapter and wrote down for me how I feel when everything goes according to plan. I then feel jubilant, calm, relaxed, happy, excited, invigorated and so much more. The same goes for when everything goes sideways. I then feel irritated, agitated, irked, confused and a whole lot of other things. Good to see the difference and to know that there are so many emotions to feel.

Sleep: day 210
Slept well again. Went to bed at 10 PM

Healthy eating: day 210
Had a sugar day. Had a few chocolates and a few hard candies as a treat.

Cold showers: day 255
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

Day 356

Picked up my girl before morning rush hour and did my things. I looked at some job openings, but there is nothing interesting. In the evening I did a big five personality test and looked at the results with my girl. Wasn't really happy with the answers my girl gave me regarding the Big Five test questions, but they were probably more honest than if I would do it myself. Interesting to see what comes out.

Workout: day 249
Did my pushups yesterday. Workout today again.

Walking: day 256
Took one 20+ min walk yesterday and a shorter walk in the evening. Did my 6 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 256
0:45 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:10 hours on the Internet (responding on NF and making my posts)

Lying: day 37
Speaking in a way so the other can understand you is very important. It is more important to breed understanding between the two than to get your right. Next to what you say, what you do is also important to build empathy with your partner. Don't only do the difficult thing together, but also have fun.

Meditation: day 346
3 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 356
Read in NVC; a language of life about giving from the heart. The writer says that that is the most important thing. I had to think about what that actually meant to me, but I think I usually give from the heart, as I usually give a lot to my girl. I want to give her sweetness and understanding and a lot of tasty food. And now to also consider giving from the heart (in words) with those you meet.

Sleep: day 211
Slept well. Went to bed at 10 PM

Healthy eating: day 211
Had no sugar day. My girl ‘tempted’ me by buying my favorite pastry and asking if I wanted to eat it. She forgot that I didn't have a sugar day yesterday and bought it nevertheless. She really enjoyed it.

Cold showers: day 256
Took 1 cold shower yesterday and 1 hot shower with my girl.

 

Relapsed yesterday.Hard to put my finger on it. I think it was due to stress. I am visiting my father for two days. Our relationship have been quite bad for years. I have already committed to meeting him but I already regret because he exploded when I spoke to my aunt (his sister) about meeting her too since she is close by. He had some conspiracy theory about her trying to sabotage Easter for him. She invited me to my cousins 40 years birthday on Thursday when I am on a cabin trip with dad. She called me and ranted about dad for over an hour. This is the reason I stay away from family. I just hoped this time would be different. I will stand my ground against my dad though. I wont put up with his gaslighting and blackmailing again. He isnt normal. I think he is crazy. He is a narsissist, maybe a psychopath, probably schizophrenia and maybe also an autist. He has no emotions and bad social skills. He is highly intelligent but cant for the life of him care about others. His main phrases is: pull yourself together. Work harder. Mental illness doesnt exist. Pain is an illusion etc.