Accountability for All

Day 1

Nothing much to say. The weekend depression crept in on me. I had already decided not to do much this weekend. No school this Friday. Those three days seemed like an eternity last night. I made more or less the same mistake as last time I relapsed. I was in bed once again. I absolutely need to get out of bed if I find myself in a similar situation in the future. I can promise myself all I want that this time or next time will be different but when I lie in bed late at night and the negative thoughts creep in, I will give in sooner or later unless I get up and spend some time in a different room. The urges usually either go away or become manageable if I stay out of bed. If I am not falling asleep right away, I need to get up.

Its a certain sense of desperation. I am sexually frustrated and feel lonely. Those emotions stack up and hit me at night. It is worse during weekends than on week days.

 

will update shortly. a lot has happened. good things mostly

 

For some reason, I forgot to post my post this morning. I typed it, but I forgot to put it on NF. Here it is nevertheless

Day 338

Yesterday I picked up my girl before morning rush hour and she worked the whole day from my home. Whenever she is at my place, I forget to meditate and do other things. I worked on her resume as she will start to look for jobs within or outside of the organization she works for now.

Workout: day 231
Did my pushups and burpees. Want to try to do 40 pushups before my showers.

Walking: day 238
Took two 20+ min walks yesterday afternoon/evening. And I did a 5 min bike ride. My girl didn't join me.

Screentime: day 238
1:13 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:05 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 19
Swallow sometimes what your partner says. However, don't let it get at the cost of your sanity. Speak if you have something to say. You can try to bring things out a bit more gently, but it is most important that you bring them out. You polish your words along the way.

Meditation: day 328
3 sessions. 20 minutes.

PMO study: day 338
Read in NVC: a language of life; Companion workbook. Our language is usually very descriptive, but not inclusive of our emotions. And whenever someone includes their emotions, it can actually be very frightening. For example, when someone speaks out about ‘bad’ feelings, we usually think that we caused it. We need to relearn this, because that is not the case. They caused it in them and we caused it in us. NVC teaches us to be responsible for our own feelings and to communicate it as such.

Sleep: day 193
Slept well and slept early.

Healthy eating: day 193
Sugar day. Ate 2 KitKats and some Cookie Dough bites. Had enough sugar for the day.

Cold showers: day 238
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

Day 339

Had a beginning migraine yesterday morning and was able to wield it off within a matter of hours. It probably was a combination of stress (stiff neck + perhaps emotional stress) and having had a late breakfast. It was some time ago when I had a migraine. Picked up my girl and we had a lovely day.

Workout: day 232
Did my 40 pushups before my showers and my 7 burpees before my toilet breaks.

Walking: day 239
Took one 17+ min walk yesterday evening. My girl didn't join me.

Screentime: day 239
1:31 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:05 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 20
Take in what your partner says. If you feel pushback, you are not appreciating what she gives you. Learn to see it as a bitter medicine; it is a bitter pill, but it is good for you.

Meditation: day 329
4 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 339
Read in NVC: a language of life; Companion workbook. When we want to start communicating compassionately, we need to first learn to give from the heart. If we don't give what we say from the heart, we don't even want to communicate compassionately at all. Practice that first.

Sleep: day 194
Slept well and slept early again.

Healthy eating: day 194
No sugar day. My girl made me churros and put some powdered sugar on there.

Cold showers: day 239
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

I need to change my strategy. I have had a couple days where I fell out of my good routines and the reasons arent super obvious but they contributed to a weaker mindset which made me fall back down the rabbit hole. I MOed to fantasy this morning, no P. I am applying stricter and stricter measures to prevent myself from indulging each time I catch myself. The trigger list is long. Today was a slightly different trigger than yesterday. Ones I discover it, I write it down in my trigger diary and do what I can to prevent it from happening again.

Triggers so far (there is more but these are the once I have written down in my trigger diary):

Touching, scratching etc. Only happens while in bed.

Tiredness

Fatigue

Phone in bedroom

Loose underwear

Sleeping naked

Insomnia

Too much screen time which leads to feeling bad which increases chance of relapsing. Staying online after around 8 pm which causes more insomnia and stress.

Shaving my balls (worst decicion ever)

Loneliness

Physical pain. Neck pain. Makes me really weak in the morning unless I get up from bed right away. Need to have painkillers right next to me plus water so that I am able to get up and start my day asap.

Stress. I need to keep stress levels down. It doesnt take a lot to throw me off my game.

Hunger. I am on a strict diet but sometimes I should consider eating instead of letting my mental state sink below the threshold needed to abstain.

Under socializing. This is a downwards spiral since PMO makes me less motivated to socialize and less socialization makes me more likely to relapse.

Slow days, especially weekends. I often relapse on Fridays and have a hard time getting trough the weekends clean. These are slow days where I dont have school (including Friday).

Not feeling clean. If I havent showered in about a day, I am more likely to relapse. If I have just showered, I feel clean and dont want to ruin that clean feeling.

Fantasy. This is a sneaky one since it requires me to be somewhat aware of my thoughts and catch myself "mentally mastrubating".

Mornings and evenings. Not a trigger in themselves but 95% or more of my relapses happen after 8 pm or before getting out of bed. I often rub one out before my brain is properly online in the morning or when I am so tired that I am about to fall asleep. I have had a few times where I fall asleep in the middle of the act and dont actually complete.

 

Summary of last two weeks:

Steps: 85K/70K (goal)

Writing down dreams: 7/14

Grateful: 14/14

Meditate: 19/28 sessions of minimum 20 minutes (goal was twice a day).

Journaling: 14/14

School: 40 hours/70 hours ( Too ambitious target)

Read: 10/14 (minimum 2 pages)

Workout: 5/8

Fasting: 9/14

Keto: 8/14

Business: 10/14 (Goal is to stop skipping days, minimum 20 minutes)

weight: 107.5kg. +1kg. Target was 105kg.

Energy drinks: 2/14 (Drank at least one unit 10 out of 14 days)

Spanish: Currently on a 205 day streak. Spent around 5 hours the last 2 weeks.

English (learn 1 new word): 13/14

Interactions (talking with strangers): 14/20

PMO (days without porn, masturbation or orgasm): 10/14. I have a spreadsheet as a supplement to my streak. I struggle to keep a streak but I am clean most days.

 

Day 340

Had a relaxing day yesterday with some speed bumps. Bought myself an exercise bench (with my girl's help).

Workout: day 233
Did my 40 pushups before my showers, my 7 burpees before my toilet breaks and my leg workout.

Walking: day 240
Took one 20+ min walk yesterday evening. It was a brisk walk

Screentime: day 240
3:34 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:17 hours on the Internet (looking for exercise benches online)

Lying: day 21
Communicate to your partner. Don't let irritations stack. Speak them out while taking responsibility for your own feelings; it is your responsibility that you became irritated, not the responsibility of your partner that she perhaps said something that made you irritated.

Meditation: day 330
4 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 340
Read in YBOP about abstinence and intermittent use. It is said that intermittent use of P where you PMO 3,4,5 times in a short time is just as bad as continuous use. You fire the same pathways and keep them sensitized. The only way to deal with it is to stop cold turkey. Know your triggers and act on them.

Sleep: day 195
Slept well and slept early again.

Healthy eating: day 195
No sugar day. Had a healthy traybake for dinner, but it still wasn't ready after 1 hour in the oven.

Cold showers: day 240
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. I keep pushing it

 

Haven’t gotten much momentum on this ugh.

I’ve started exercising more though last weigh in a couple of weeks ago, I’m 1.5 pounds down.

 

Day 2

Went to the chiropractor today and got some adjustments, then I went home again and worked with my business for 40 minutes. Then school from 4-6 and yoga after. The day turned out quite perfect. I did everything I planned to do and had a few cool interactions to boost my mood as well. Both approached me. Walked over 10K steps today, had a proper arm day at the gym. People dont understand my grind but they just dont believe that great things are possible if you work with purpose. So many of my routines are starting to work so well together. It has been months of tweaking and adjusting the way I do things but now many of the habits go on autopilot.

 

This is your first step again. You responded.

 

Day 341

Worked on my resume and I'm glad I'm done. I got sucked in a bit and I need to be mindful that I want to avoid these situations. This is where things (potentially) get out of hand.

Workout: day 234
Did my pushups deeper and was able to do ‘just’ 20 pushups before my showers. Did my 7 burpees before my toilet breaks with deep push ups and my arm workout. Waiting for my exercise bench to come today.

Walking: day 241
Took two 20+ min walks yesterday afternoon/evening. It were a brisk walks

Screentime: day 241
2:22 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:18 hours on the Internet (reading and responding on NF, looking at the ingredients list of a recipe)

Lying: day 22
Let your partner know that you care about him/her. Find ways to listen and ways to show that you care. A little bit of care goes a long way.

Meditation: day 331
4 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 341
Read in YBOP about things that help in your reboot. Socializing is said to be a very good healing balm, as we are hardwired as humans to be more easily regulated when there is another human being near us. For us male fapstronauts, we tend to easily isolate ourself and retreat in our PMO habits. Instead, we need to go out and meet people.

Sleep: day 196
Slept well and slept early! Slight neck ache.

Healthy eating: day 196
Sugar day and I capitalized on it. I bought a pack of chocolates and ate a bit too much of it. I was nauseous after eating them, as I'm not used to eating so much anymore.

Cold showers: day 241
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. I push the limits

 

Good job! When new habits become true habits, they become automatic.

It looks like you're doing a lot. It would be good to bring in focus so that you are also able to bring in structure in your PMO process. It might even be that you need to do a bit less in certain realms in order to put proper focus on conquering PMO.

 

Yea. The downside of it is that I often times get so tired that I lack the mental fortitude required to stay clean.

 

Day 3

Feels good to be able to get past the first couple of days repeatedly. After I started taking this serious, every day is a new challenge. I have been stuck on day 1 a lot. Now I seem to be stuck at around 3-5 days. I shouldnt mention it again though. I always seem to jinx it. The best strategy for me seems to be to just forget that nofap exists and go about my day. I was at school for 10 hours today, from 8 am until 6 pm. Its a little too long. Its so long that when I get back home on Tuesday, I dont have time to complete my routine before I wind down and go to bed at 9.

 

It then might help to do a bit less in other areas amd focus on staying clean so that you can keep up this mental fortitude. I guess you need your fortitude for this the most.

 

Day 342

Picked up my girl before morning rush hour and worked on her resume. She has a coaching call today with a job coach and had to send her resume. For some reason, I didn't get around doing my meditations and my language learning, but it was great having my girl around. I think I drank around 2,5 liters of water.

Workout: day 235
Yesterday was a rest day. No push ups, no burpees and no workout. Got my exercise bench so I'm excited to try it today.

Walking: day 242
Took two 20+ min walks yesterday afternoon/evening. I did one walk with my girl and I did one walk alone.

Screentime: day 242
0:29 hours on Whatsapp (I had deleted an reinstalled the app, so the number is incorrect) and 0:16 hours on the Internet (reading and responding on NF)

Lying: day 23
Let in what your partner says. Take the bitter pill your partner has for you and swallow it. There are so many things to learn if you put your ego aside.

Meditation: day 332
2 sessions. 30 minutes.

PMO study: day 342
Read in YBOP about the brain that needs to readapt after we choose to do a reboot. The brain is used to get its Dopamine fix from PMO, and has to get it from somewhere else now. As read in a post of a man who recently achieved a streak of 400 days, you get Dopamine from ‘normal’ things again like interactions. It really feels like this. It is also important that you use your reboot for building up your life as you see it. He said that, in that sense, a person who is changing his life and has a streak of 100 days might be further on than someone ‘just' not doing PMO for 500 days. Make your days count.

Sleep: day 197
Slept well and slept early. Still have a slight neck ache. Need to look for a better pillow and have to look at my finances for that.

Healthy eating: day 197
No sugar day. My girl and I made classic (Vegetarian) American burgers with coleslaw. Tasted delicious.

Cold showers: day 242
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. I have moved on to really cold now

 

Day 343

Met my friend for a walk and lunch yesterday. It was some time ago that we met and I forgot to send messages to my girl. I will remember to do that in the future, so I can take my girl along. During the convo with my girl afterwards, I wanted to share how good it was to see my friend again, but I met a different stance from her. She wasn't as enthusiastic as I was and some things irked her. I felt disappointed that we couldn't speak about it. However, we spoke about this later and both thought that communication between two people needed open inquiry and questioning. I know that at least I wasn't able to do that at that moment. I therefore set my girl up for a certain kind of response I expected of her that she didn't give. We will continue to practice asking each other questions.

Workout: day 236
Yesterday was a workout rest day. I did my push ups, my burpees but no workout. Will try out my new exercise bench today.

Walking: day 243
Took a 1,5 hour walk in the forest in the afternoon and a 20+ min walk yesterday evening.

Screentime: day 243
2:18 hours on Whatsapp and 0:55 hours (yikes) on the Internet (finding a recipe, buying ingredients for a recipe and following the recipe to cook my dish)

Lying: day 24
It is sometimes better to ask for a small break when you can't stay neutral. Instead of raising your voice, you take some time to regain your cool. When you are back again, you can speak with patience and understanding.

Meditation: day 333
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 343
Read in NVC: a language of life, companion workbook, and did the practice of week 2. I thought about the conversation I had with my girl and wrote it on a piece of paper. I then tried to find words in there that felt critical, judgmental, diagnostic, denied responsibility or were demanding. There were quite some words to be found so it was a good practice to do.

Sleep: day 198
Slept well and slept early again. Love to go to bed early. Neck ache ensues.

Healthy eating: day 198
No sugar day. Ate french fries from the oven and ground beef with a tomato sauce. I have some pimples in my face and suspect that the French fries 2 days ago and yesterday (at least the grease they contained) were the culprits.

Cold showers: day 243
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. I noticed that my skin turns a bit numb when I go really cold. When I have reached that point, it feels like it doesn't really matter how cold it will get.

 

Day 344

Met my girl for ice cream during her lunch break in the city. The weather was very warm and we enjoyed some time together. At the end, we had a small clash but were able to make this up. We did our Connection-Share at 5 PM, like we do every day, and we're able to speak about it further.

Workout: day 237
Did my workout yesterday. It was shoulder and upper back day. Didn't try out the bench, as I moved it upstairs and have my dumbbell still downstairs. Did my push ups and my burpees. Plan to do a workout today again.

Walking: day 244
Took a walk in the city in the city with my girl, my own 20+ min walk in the neighborhood and a 20+ min walk yesterday evening. Also took a 5 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 244
2:33 hours on Whatsapp and 0:10 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 25
It is good to write down many questions that your partner can ask. Practice how you will react and how you want to react. A conversation can always take an unexpected turn. Are you prepared?

Meditation: day 334
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 344
Read in NVC: a language of life, companion workbook, and did again the practice of week 2. I wrote down the convo between my girl and me and tried to find any of the 4 D’s of Disconnection:
Diagnosis
Denial of responsibility
Demand
‘Deserve’- oriented language

I luckily saw all of the above in my words towards my girl, especially the 2nd and the 4th point. It is good to become aware of it so I can in time change it.

Sleep: day 199
Slept well but a little bit late. My girl sent me some NoFap posts about people who have relapsed after a massive streak. She also sent me pictures of how an addiction is chemically working and which brain parts are triggered. The pictures also showed that Dopamine from PMO is much higher than Dopamine from partnered sex, as P is designed to be super stimulating. It bombards us with supernormal stimuli, so that it becomes irresistible to us.

Healthy eating: day 199
Switched sugar day yesterday with today. Had 2 ice creams, a candy bar and some cookies. A bit too much sugar. I also ate a candy bar and an ice cream on an empty stomach. Didn't eat on time, as I stepped in the car to meet my girl on her lunch break. Had leftovers with rice and salad for dinner.

Cold showers: day 244
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. I think I will experiment with doing my push ups after shower instead of before. Something is stopping me from immediately doing my push ups and jumping in the shower.

 

Day 345

Picked my girl up at 3 PM and brought her back at 9. It was a short time and she worked a bit from my place. We had some talks and we didn't come very far yesterday, but the message was that it was seen that I let loose too much. I will go to the drawing board

Workout: day 238
Tried out my new workout bench and did my workout. The bench is awesome. Also did my pushups and my burpees, but I have some pain in my wrist. Perhaps it is better to be a bit careful today by putting pressure on it.

Walking: day 245
Took a 20+ min walk in the neighborhood and a short walk at night. Went on a 5 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 245
1:57 hours on Whatsapp and 0:03 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 26
It is good to prepare beforehand to have constructive time with your partner. If you don't, the chance is there that you go into an argument.

Meditation: day 335
2 sessions. 20 minutes. I never seem to meditate for long when my girl is with me.

PMO study: day 345
Didn't read any books yesterday as I was fully invested in my girl until late. The brain is an interesting organ regarding addiction, because when it is wired to get excited by supernormal stimuli, it will take a while to rewire to something new. My girl showed multiple posts of men who relapsed after 300, 400 and 700 days because they were too loose. She warned me to go back to the drawing board as she saw some worrying signals.

Sleep: day 200
Slept well and on time.

Healthy eating: day 200
No sugar day. We ate very late and I was bummed out by this. We eventually ate french fries, but I feel better when I eat on time.

Cold showers: day 245
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. The push ups after the shower work well and make me take a shower quicker.

 

Day 346

Picked my girl up early as we had to be somewhere at 9 AM. My girl went to a nail salon in a different city and I brought her. After I brought her to the salon, I finished my breakfast, meditated for 15 minutes and drove towards the city center. I spent time roaming around and was back nice on time in order to pick her up. I meditated in the car and did some groceries until my girl was finished. After that we went to a very big Turkish supermarket where they had all kinds of interesting stuff.

Workout: day 239
Had pain in my wrist the whole day, so I didn't do my workout/pushups/burpees.

Walking: day 246
My girl and I took a walk in the forest for an hour in the afternoon and I did a small stroll in the evening. No bike ride.

Screentime: day 246
0:56 hours on Whatsapp and 0:09 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 27
Your partner wants you to listen. She sees you wandering and calls you back. You need to allow her to do that.

Meditation: day 336
4 sessions. 65 minutes.

PMO study: day 346
Didn't read any books yesterday as I was completely busy with my girl or activities surrounding her. We spoke about a picture about addiction that she sent me some days ago. This picture shows an addiction cycle and speaks of a trance before you start to act out on the addictive behavior. When I think back to my PMO days, it really feels like I was entranced. After I had done PMO, I would snap out of the trance and would be remorseful that I did so. This trance seems to be a normal part of the addiction. Don't fall for it.

Sleep: day 201
Slept well but a bit late.

Healthy eating: day 201
No sugar day. My girl cooked a delicious dinner for us. I ate it with delight.

Cold showers: day 246
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.