A short ,dark ocd story with hope!

Hi , my name is Christophe

I'm 24 years old. Five years ago i met a girl who'm i liked but i never developed feelings for.
I got scared because i always fell in love so easily. I could not get it out of my mind why i did not feel "love" for her and i began doubting everything, who i was ma orientation ect.
I fell in a deep black hole of ocd. For years on end every second,minute, hour i doubted my thoughts. It felt like i was becoming insane! What and who am i?

2 years ago i discovered nofap and the pieces of the puzzle came together.
I realised i was addicted to porn since i was 13 years of old.
As a teen i m.o'd daily : 1,2;3-5 times a day to porn and i felt lonely. A real loser.
I bullied people because i was unhappy. I rarely got a gf. And so on.

My ocd learned me to be more tolerant off and to others.
It forced me to grow into and adult and get things done.
However the doubts and thoughts kept coming.
Now when i discovered nofap i decided i would give it a try.
And i failed. My ocd had learned me to stand up everytime i fell.
So i did the same with nopmo , only the ocd did not learn me discipline.
So i lasted 1 day, relapse, 1 week relapse, 3 weeks relapse and so on til i got to 63 days. I was getting vivid dreams, raging boners and my intrest in women back.
After that i decided i was feeling better and my ocd bouts got less.
But i did not realize i was not interested in there personalities yet. I just got excited from their bodies.

So i got back to porn and the ocd got worse. Strangely i did not get addicted again to porn the same way. I was far less interested in it and without focussing on it, i only mo'd once every 2 weeks during a period of about a year.
Still ocd got so bad till i wanted to kill myself. Finally after 5 years i decided i was to tired to keep fighting on my own. (even tho i had 3 psychiatrists) So i went to the top specialists in Belgium for treating ocd. I volounteerd for group sessions and medication.
When therapy began i was already 3 months on zoloft and my ocd was so much improved and learned me alot of skills that i was finding myself back.
I also wanted to help the people of the group so i used my expierience with ocd and the books ive read to help others.

The zoloft only had one downside: Even a lower libido.
So i restarted nopmo and lower my 200 mg dose a day to 100 mg dose a day.
The effects are nuts! Boners, dreams and somethimes a little euphoric feeling when i talk with a cute, sweet girl. Real girls look so beautifull instead of those fakepornstars.

Now i'm struggling a little bit with my ocd. And i still doubt if i can fall in love with girls again. But the happy feeling i get, and the funny hug boners give me a bit of hope.

After many years of having felt no love , interest i'm now on a spot on where i don't have a clue what i can expect. How i should view love and what i should to to hopefully feel it back. I do not want a hollow relationship or fuckbuddies. I wan't to be happy.
And i want to do my part for others in need.

How do you guys feel about it? And do you recognize paterns?

Keep up the good work guys and to my fellow ocd'ers :
It's ok to doubt, accept the fact the thoughts are there, but they are just thoughts and thats fine. Don't argue, let them be and the more you are open for them the less they will invade your mind!

 

Thx mate! the same to you!
What did or do you experienced with ocd?

 

Oh i don't care mate you re a person like annyone else i hug some gay guys at work aswell just to learn my brain that there is nothing to be scared about. I lost the fear for it haha xd and besides being gay is just a part of your personality it does not define you as a person

 

You are very welcome, and thank u for your support. I would suggest trying to not focus on destroying thr ocd but just letting it go. I upped my dose of zoloft back to 200mg a day. It does seem to give me more stability. Im now at 143 days. (Had sex yesterday) but i do not see that as as a relapse. Best of luck and if you need some support or a chat you're welcome to ask me greets