10 Year PMO Addiction Journey!!!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Powerous, Jun 21, 2017.

  1. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    My 10 year+ PMO Addiction Story:

    I have been watching porn since I was 8 years old, ever since my cousin first showed me a video of it. At the time I didn't like what I saw, I thought it was disgusting.
    But since my dad was also addicted to porn and had a massive collection inside this bag he used to keep locked up, I found it, and instead of watching the dvds, I used to look at the pictures and I used to get a pillow and imitate the act of sex by humping the pillow (at this stage the videos didn't interest me...yet)

    Later at the age of around 10/11 I started watching the actual dvds on my ps2, at this stage it didn't shock me or anything, I enjoyed watching it, it gave me that rush of dopamine and it was so thrilling especially at that age. Even though I was only 10 I still tried to masturbate but obviously without ejaculating. At this stage I wouldn't say I was addicted, I didn't crave it, or had any intense urges, It was once in a while thing when I was home alone.

    By the age of 12 my family got internet access, this was 2008 times and this just made access to porn much easier especially since my dad separated from my mum (and he took the porn with him).
    That's when I discovered the ease of access to porn with just a few clicks, the millions of images and videos.
    At this stage I was starting to become addicted to porn, I would watch it whenever I had chance or felt an urge.
    The guilt of watching porn and the shame of it was starting to grow within me.

    I would say the age when I fully became an addict, hooked on porn, masturbating ejaculating to it was when I hit puberty at the age of 13. The previous years of being exposed to porn I obviously wasn't fapping/ejaculating to porn, but now at 13 fapping/ejaculating to porn was next level for me. I reached a point when I used to see a girls ass in school that turned me on and the thought would be with me throughout the whole day like an intrusive OCD thought and the only way I could release it was by watching porn and ejaculating.
    Back then I was shy and socially awkward and I was using Porn/masturbation as a form of escapism, escaping the verbal and physical abuse by my mother and father since childhood that was still in the back of my mind, escaping my problems both internally and externally, constantly masturbating and viewing porn out of desperation and pain.

    This eventually led to me getting depressed throughout my teenage years, I had extreme depression episodes that lasted up to couple months especially between 14 - 17.
    At the age of 15 my family finally decided to take me to a therapist, but I always used to cover up my PMO addiction to the therapists, they eventually made me take anti-depressants which made things even worse, I was feeling like my mind was numb, desensitised to everything around me, zombie like, suicidal thoughts... It was just like hell. Eventually after stopping the medication, things slowly got better and by 17 I felt somewhat ''normal'' again, my therapist gave me good advice on preventing depression, but the problem still remained that I was still addicted to Porn, Masturbation and Orgasm.

    I discovered Your Brain on Porn,
    researched it thoroughly, watched videos, read articles, testimonials, I found that a lot of the symptoms/withdrawals of a heavy porn addict was the exact symptoms I had during my depressive episodes, and how this has caused me/worsen my social anxiety and OCD symptoms.

    Fast forward to today, I have finally decided to open a NoFap account and share my experiences, My addiction journey has honestly been painful and deep and it has impacted my mental and emotional health severely.
    I feel like my frontal lobe part of the brain that deals with decision making, thought process, personality, emotions, social behaviour.. has been extremely weakened this explains the feelings of numbness, depression, social awkwardness, indecisiveness and so on... especially during withdrawal/flatline period.

    I am just thoroughly sick and tired of what my 10 years of constant porn and masturbation addiction has done to me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
    I just want to change, I want to be a better me, face my fears and JUST stop covering up all my problems with this addiction. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!

    If you can relate to any of this please share your story and what has helped you.
    Much love to the NoFap community, wish me luck on my journey!!!
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
  2. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    1,398
    2,738
    143
    Thank you so much for sharing your experience, brother. So glad you're here.

    It takes a lot of courage to come share your story in a forum like this--the fact that you're able to do that is a great sign of your potential to beat this.

    I can't stress this enough: especially in early rebooting, it's important to block your access to porn. Whether it's through K9 filter, Covenant Eyes (that's what I use), Open DNS ... anything that blocks porn sites. If you're an iPhone or iPad user, watch the video in my signature to see how to block it 100%. The important thing is that your access to porn is blocked with passcodes that you don't know. You'll get cravings and you'll want to look at porn, because your brain will be desperate for that dopamine hit--but if your devices are locked down, your opportunities to act on it will be far more limited than before. That's a good thing.

    Also, fill up your free time with positive activities. Read. Go to a coffee shop with a friend. Work out. Write. Play music. Anything that gets you focused on doing positive things as opposed to just resisting porn. You can't simply stop giving your brain dopamine altogether--you have to find a way to give it pleasure through healthy avenues. It won't feel as good as porn and masturbation, of course, but over time, your brain will start to normalize. You can do this!
     
  3. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your reply, replacing my addiction with a positive habit is the one thing I'm trying to cultivate. I know it wont be as pleasurable in the beginning as porn and masturbation but at this point I have nothing to lose!...
     
  4. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    1,398
    2,738
    143
    Exactly! Think about it: porn will always be there if you ever choose to go back to it. But give yourself a fair shot at recovery. Spend 30, 60, 90, 120 days PMO-free, and see how you feel. In the grand scheme of your entire life, that's a tiny sliver of time. But I suspect that if you can stay PMO-free for that long, you'll love the benefits so much that you'll never want to go back, ever. You can do it.
     
    TheDominator48 and Powerous like this.
  5. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    On day 2 of my NoFap streak, the depressive symptoms are still there but I have been combating it with regular exercise, meditation, prayer, reading a book anything to keep my mind off of it. I know these symptoms all to well, constant thoughts that I will relapse again and that I am no good, which in turn fuels my ocd. I can cope tho, it's almost like I am befriending my pain, pain-body as Eckhart Tolle wrote in his Power of Now book. The pain body that everyone has within them, its the side where all the pain, addictions, desperations are stored. I find that resisting it and fighting against it just makes it worse, I am learning to accept it so it can get healed...
     
    TheDominator48 and Buddhabro like this.
  6. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Day 4

    The initial depressive symptoms have eased now, it is still lingering, I still feel low energy, fatigued, mind is foggy and unclear, random negative thoughts intrusive like thoughts that I will relapse again and that i am no good - thoughts of that nature, but it doesn't bother me as much.
    Have been exercising daily, eating good healthy foods, trying to meditate and get my mind right.
    Even with all the doubts and negative self-sabotaging thoughts running on my mind I am certain that with time this will go away like it had in 2016 when I was on a 60+ streak.

    Time will heal.
    This is only the beginning.
    Always remember why you started!!!
     
    TheDominator48 likes this.
  7. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Day 6

    Today I had my driving test, I passed!!!, I was so nervous and stressed, but I kept my nerves under control and kept calm.
    Still going strong on my No PMO journey, this is still the beginning for me.
    Im still feeling generally fatigued even after working out and eating well, it is slowly slowly getting better tho.
    Still feel the stress/depressing symptoms familiar symptoms from the past, feels like my mind is clouded (brain fog), finding it difficult to think clearly and sharply.
     
    TheDominator48 likes this.
  8. Millenial

    Millenial Fapstronaut

    211
    574
    93
    Congrats on the driving dude....thats great!!! Auto or Manual?
    More importantly...congrats on STILL STAYING STRONG.

    Like you said... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! :emoji_blue_car::emoji_blue_car::emoji_blue_car::emoji_blue_car::emoji_blue_car::emoji_rocket::emoji_rocket::emoji_rocket::emoji_rocket::emoji_rocket:
     
    TheDominator48 and Powerous like this.
  9. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Manual, I was hella nervous and stressed what with the sudden withdrawals and all. Was driving super safely and carefully.

    It's now or never!, this addiction has sucked the life out of me far too long. Time to make a comeback, out of all the struggles and hardships I am only gonna become stronger.
    Like the quote goes: ''Man cannot recreate himself without suffering for he is both the marble and the sculptor'' - Alexis Carrel
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2017
    TheDominator48 likes this.
  10. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Day 11

    Been sleeping more than usual lately, still feel the brain fog and depressive symptoms. Mind/brain just feels empty half the time finding it hard to express my thoughts into sentences.
    I'm taking some natural supplements such as 5-HTP and GABA to help ease the stress. So far I have been able to control my urges to watch porn and fap away, tho Ive been having some weird dreams past few days about the porn scenes I used to watch (no wet dreams tho).
     
    TheDominator48 likes this.
  11. Millenial

    Millenial Fapstronaut

    211
    574
    93
    You tested out your new driving skills dude? You could drive somewhere new you've never been before and the 'new you' can see it.
    The car was a sweet invention. Unlike the internet.
    I ride a crappy old motorbike these days, but man I love that bike.. more than I could ever love my laptop.
    Anyway it's great that you're doing well. Your brain fog will clear. You gotta feed your brain with good stuff - inspiring words, new scenery, anything that you think will keep you sharp ( but more importantly, happy ).
    For me combating Boredom is really important. So I'm trying to keep busy!
     
  12. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Relapsed!

    Almost 2 weeks in and I relapsed, just couldn't control my strong urges last night it was too much this one porn keep replaying in my mind over and over last night and I gave in.
    Felt like absolute crap afterwards even tho there was the initial relief of stress - the feelings of shame and guilt just surged throughout my body and mind again. Back to day 0 again.
     
    TheDominator48 likes this.
  13. NZT 48

    NZT 48 Fapstronaut

    99
    130
    33
    Thank you for sharing your story. Keep pushing with your recovery- it will be worth it. One thing I will say is, I have found that edging ( or even entertaining the thoughts/urges for more than a few seconds) will always eventually lead to relapse. So what I would suggest is that you find whatever it is that you enjoy doing and whenever the urge creeps in for even a MILLISECOND you tell yourself 'NO EDGING' or 'NO URGES' or something like that and divert your mind to your hobby etc. Also if you can- go to a place where other people are present because I highly doubt you will relapse there
     
    TheDominator48 and Powerous like this.
  14. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

    546
    742
    93
    @Powerous

    You will notice that your story of how you became addicted will be similar to so many men who have become addicted to porn and acting out sexually.

    At a very young age, the person sees something pornographic that someone else brings to his attention. At first he is disgusted. Then curiosity digs in and he looks back at what just disgusted him. He then searches out for more and more until he is a full-fledged addict.

    He puts his whole life at risk (relationship, career, children). He uses porn at work, knowing that he can be fired. He uses porn during his marriage, knowing that if his wife found out she would divorce him. He uses porn instead of raising his children, missing milestone after milestone.

    Your Brain on Porn explains that our animalistic minds are wired to desire sex. When we are watching porn, our brain tells us to breed and breed (ejaculate more and more, spread your seed around). As porn is available anywhere/anytime, the images are coming too fast for our brains to process. Our brains rewire themselves whereby only porn can arouse us, leading to impotence with real women. Then the porn we watch is not arousing enough and we watch sicker and sicker porn that would never have aroused us before. We feel constant guilt that nice men like ourselves get aroused when we are watching a woman victimized, hair pulled, smacked around and choked before our very eyes.

    At least Your Brain on Porn and NoFap show us that are brains are malleable and can be rewired back to where we were before we first viewed porn. But we must battle though withdrawal and our constant sex drive to get there.

    Best of luck to you. At least you know on NoFap that you are not alone and that you can confide anonymously without embarrassment with people going through similar struggles as you are.
     
  15. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    thanks for the advice it is a really good point, btw love the quote! it seems so true
     
    NZT 48 likes this.
  16. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    So true my man, I am just grateful that our amazing brains have the ability to rewire itself and repair itself (neuroplasticity) however you spell it. Imagine if our brains couldn't rewire itself how messed up would that be, like we would just be hardwired to PMO for life. Thank God for our changeable brains.
    thanks for the posting.
     
    Veritech likes this.
  17. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Relapsed!

    Relapsed Again last night... after the first relapse my brain just wanted more of that dopamine it wasn't enough relapsing once, this usually happens to me after a couple weeks+ streak, I binge after the first relapse which just makes the whole streak pretty useless, Those 2 relapses could have been divided into 4 normal relapses.
    But yh, day 0 again. Still not giving up, I will always have faith and hope no matter what, all the depressing feelings, despair, guilt and shame will not last forever that's what I am certain of.
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2017
  18. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Day 9

    Made it to day 9, some of the depressive symptoms still there. Still feel somewhat lost, out of touch from my personality. Not sure if it is depersonalisation that I am suffering from, whatever it may be I just don't feel like myself, my personality is non existent. Find it hard to express myself meaningfully, just generally feel zombified and numb to everyday life.
    It's a terrible feeling at the moment.
     
  19. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Day 10

    Made it to day 10 again, feeling bit better today.
     
  20. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    456
    3,915
    123
    Strange aspect to this PMO addiction and recovery is that the addiction is hardest on the younger addicts.
    Good thing is that you'll have much more to gain if you can overcome it.
    I'm fighting to reboot and recover with you, alongside you, and for you
    (and all the other young men and women).
    Good luck
     
    Powerous and Sadgirl like this.

Share This Page