A journey to the life I deserve…

Day 1. New plan, starting work with a empr therapist, have cbt therapy through doctors. Friend who is helping with locks on phone and who I send gratitude list to. Need an accountability partner on here too. Set an alarm for morning gratitude, daily reflection and material.

 

Slacked off Nofap for a few weeks and have started another recovery group as well. But need to keep journaling. So today 3 days after my relapse. I’m going in with a stronger and more consistent plan.
Emotions today. Last night did healthy self soothes swimming nice food, meditated etc. bit was still on my own. Listened to hip hop music and got stressed out in my head thinking about times people had pushed my boundaries. Got worked up and thought no one’s doing this to me I should beat the hell out of them.
I’d had therapy earlier on and it was upsetting so my emotions went from pain to anger. A way of trying to let out pain. Always trips me up in early recovery. Need to talk calmly to myself and not rev that side of me up.

 

Felt different the last few days towards the idea of femdom and the trans thing doesn’t feel like my thing anymore thank the universe and myself that I’ve prayed to. I was home alone for a while yesterday and coming evening thought I’d just have a look at local escorts. Looking for an experienced femdom to get that rush I guess but there was an awareness that I do t really want to do this. And the pull buzz was nothing like it used to be with the trans stuff. I found one in the next city who was very expensive thank god. But reading her advert she basically abused men humiliates gets high on poppers and bullies them for cash. You can also buy her perfumes and cloths which she lists saying she’s not a scrounger, you can take her shopping and arrange to be publicly embarrassed doing foot fetish whilst she’s trying them on! What a horrible human being taking traumatised men’s cash and fucking them up even more whilst she thinks she so special buying designer goods. I can’t see karma doing her many favours and I’m certainly not. Time to get adult locks back on. But really glad I turned off that site and went to bed.

 

Over a week in again. Thursday is dangerous as there’s an alright femdom working. But it kind of doesn’t really make much sense at the moment. Paying someone to make me feel crap about myself. Better off doing positive productive things to make myself feel better surely. Anyway aware and ahead. Bit of a flat mood. Stress on at work but coping alright. Been able to meditate and become present a lot more recently. Need to plan my day and makes sure there’s a healthy self soothe in there