A journey to the life I deserve…

Struggled with sex and porn addiction, grief and mental health for years. Time I conquer/concur my demons.
Day one: Wrote a gratitude list, 10 affirmations, contacted a client about artwork job.
Going biking and tidy the house.

 

Lol thanks for that

 

Day 2 morning routine quick cold shower, positive affirmations looking in eyes. “ I deserve to be happy” Quick stretch yoga exercises. Gratitude list, off for cbd therapy and goals planned for the day. Need to get adult locks back on as I’m always alone and can be a compulsion to just have a look who’s working.

 

Not doing too well with Porn use. Got adult locks applied again. But with it off i got into some weird femdom stuff, decided against escort which is a positive I guess. Fresh start tomorrow.

 

Day 3 of journal but day one of this streak, Phone has adult locks on again, deleted escorts and forms numbers. Spoke to doctor and tweaked meds, ticked off a load of jobs and just about to have bath and cold shower as tiring. Think I need to get out of the house tonight.

 

Had good workout on the park, cooked some amazing Chinese, crispy chicken Got an email from a dom escort this evening saying she was available. Have deleted email as that’s not who I want to be

 

A bit stressed with work stuff today computer is playing up, home alone easy to think f it. Suppose an escort isn’t going to fix my computer as an extra! Better off learning what’s up with device and try and correct problems

 

Day five yesterday thought about acting out with a dom as Thursdays is when an attractive one local works, but it really didn’t seem to entice me that type of submissive sex. And doing poppers in a session needs to be left in the past that stuff really isnt good for me. I spoke to a guy about fixing comp issue over the weekend.So addressed the problem rather than trying to escape it. Was tired and lathargic so went and got some food sat in local park and watched some tutorials on my craft. I think I can feel guilty for skiving/not achieving because of tiredness and try and escape that too

 

Day 6 change of meds took it out of me and have felt angry, warn out, waking up in shock from grief. But have not been interested in seeking out a dom and definitely not a trans. So that’s a massive positive and feel that fetish is really wearing off

 

Day 7 back on normal meds and feel a lot more stable and better sleep quality. Hit the gym got a bit self conscious. Made sure I wasn’t home alone in the evening, planned a little trip away in a weeks time. Early night. Got a message off an escort whilst falling asleep got the cogs going a bit when I checked her what’s app photo, text back trying to get more info but then she deleted messages which was odd. Turned my phone off and went to sleep. Woke up blocked and deleted number

 

6 days no PMO, I’ve been loads more productive and less stressed. Libido is flat as anything but don’t need to test it. Thought about acting out last night as I’ve got quite a busy few days and it’s a go to when stressed. But the thought of a guy dressed as a woman with its bits out isn’t going to solve anything just cause depression and debt.

 

Took myself away for a week, stressful getting ready and long journey. Unblocked my phone when got to destination and searched for escorts but decided against it. Woke up today feeling much better after resting

 

Feel like there’s been a big shift. Not getting the rush from trans and feel dom stuff is poison too. Watched some “ normal” p last night didn’t search loads and thought yea I’m after an attractive legitimate woman.

 

Seen my dad tonight, always pretty triggering. All he sees is negatives and he’s full of worry. So he gets cross or criticises. All the pot I smoked as a teenager really didn’t help but pretty crap core beliefs about myself having to endure that constantly. He’s on the spectrum so it’s not his fault and he’s been through hell himself. But it really takes the wind out of my sails when I’m trying hard to be positive, grieve my loved ones and beat addiction. He just makes me feel a disappointment. But I know he loves me, just an odd bloke with bad social skills or emotional intelligence. But I suppose it’s easy to blame and love and validation has got from within

 

Day 1 time to get real and stick to it. Was a bit flakey with rules and what day I was on. Went and seen a TS last night. He was very convincing but could still make out it was just a weird guy with an implanted plastic exaggerated body and hair that was tricking me. Absolutely rubbish at seduction and started being a weirdo wanting more money. So just left. Went home watched porn, some pretty weird hypno crap tryin to get a good hard orgasm as hadn’t c for a kit a week. Realised I was just attracted to really fit females so just fun used to a female compilation. Feel an idiot I wasted all that money but ready to get serious and start a fresh.

 

Day 2: Feeling warn out and got sickness bug. Taking it steady. Did think shall I search whilst my adult locks are still off. But it all makes me feel crap. Porn makes me feel weak and cowardly, certainly wouldn’t chat up a lady in that state. Escorts kill my money, doms I’m basically paying some messed up narcissist to make me feel crap about myself! Doesn’t really make any sense. I have 2 options make something of my life and improve to get a legitimate nice woman. Or sabotage my life wasting money getting in debt loosing confidence and basically ruining my life. Why do I want to do that to myself. The sex is crap 95% of the time and even the very best sex I’ve paid for is short lived and a day later there’s still something missing (a normal healthy partner)

 

Day 3 hardcore locks on my phone and comp. If I even snoop an alert gets sent to my accountability partner. But last night had an epiphany. It’s not so much the sex or even normal porn that has messed me up. It’s Engaging in tastes that degrade myself. There for there is a part of me that doesn’t like itself and wants to punish it. If I love and respect myself there is no reason to go and see a dom or a trans. No need to watch crap hypno p. It doesn’t even marry up with someone who loves and cares for themselves. My choice is work hard train hard do all the amazing things I’m capable of travel meet nice women enjoy life. Or sabotage it all because I feel guilty and want to constantly punish myself. I could get a really nice woman. When my career is working I’m more finacliay stable and continue to improve. Or I could pay some messed up chick to abuse me! Not really
Much of a choice is it. Early days I know but I’ve learnt loads and am definite moving towards the person I want and deserve to be

 

Rubbish day yesterday, load of triggers and didn’t feel well. Thought I’d just have a healthy mo but didn’t find it stimulating at all. Really just felt like healthy sex with someone but as I’m single had to make do. And noticed I need a lot of stimulus to get me off. Luckily couldn’t get on p sites or escorts and went to bed early woke up glad I hadn’t wasted loads of money