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Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by thel00ker, Sep 26, 2017.
Congratulations, Dude! thanks for sharing such an inspiring story! I needed this!
I want to give you guys a small update on how I'm doing. Currently at day 69 *wink* haha
Last Saturday I met up with this girl I mentioned and we spent a rainy afternoon at home, watching netflix and having sex. I can't emphasize enough how important this is for me, It's been a main goal on my recovery process since the beginning of the reboot. To spend quality time with someone I enjoy being with.This is just the start of a relationship and I don't know how things will play out but...
I find myself having funny conversations, we make each other laugh, and just the simple act of cuddling is amazing.
I'm really beginning to understand how that kind of connection plays out in real life and there are several things that brought me to this point:
Being with other couples: I spent a lot of time these last months with friends that have girlfriends. We made a lot of things together, I went to shows and cinema with couples, had dinner, spent time etc etc. Usually this would bother me a lot, couples were a constant reminder of what I was lacking. Love or company from someone else.
When the days of the reboot started advancing, I started noticing everything that made these couples great, and specially the reasons they were together. They laughed, commented stuff, had someone to have sex with and specially supported one another. Being free of porn opened me up to this kind of connection with someone else. A relationship suddenly transformed into something about sharing, and not only sex.
Being myself: In general I'm a guy that can have a comment or opinion on almost everything, I don't take most things very seriously and joke around a lot about tons of things. But on the few occasions that I went out with someone else, I limited myself a lot in order to portray a 'cool' appearence. This worked most of the time, but as the relatioship moved forward the 'cool' guy started being preety boring. I wasn't myself at all. This also happened with friends I made.
What helped me a lot was to just not taking myself too seriously and trusting that my interests and personality were ok. Of course I always try to improve but at least I stopped limiting myself when meeting new people.
This helped me a lot to find friends that really love me for who I am. Being around people and simply being myself is very liberating and also much more enjoyable. Being comfortable with myself also makes me much less judgemental and less defensive. I think some people even find it attractive,
I always tried to be "a guy that is himself all the time, proud of his abilities and achievements, always wanting to improve and specially motivating others to do so" specially because I always admired people that are just like this.
So... I thing that being myself was a big factor in getting into this relationship. I'm much more comfortable and much less conscious when interacting with her. Thankfully She laughs at my stupid jokes. It is a matter of finding someone that likes you as you are.
Being more short minded:
Usually when I talked with a girl I thought: "could she be my girlfriend" "what if we have sex" "arguments with her" "what if we break up" etc etc etc
This completely blocked me, before the first word I was already breaking up with her. So taking any relationship into small steps was very helpful. And specially took a lot of pressure away from any interactions. I didn't feel the need to impress anyone, Just taking things slowly and not imagining much about the future.
If I went out with a date, that didn't mean a commitment, its just a date, "lets see how things work out"
This attitude helped me out a lot. Commitment, abandonment, crisis, conflict. are things that I'm afraid of when meeting someone new, and enjoying the day to day with someone instead takes most of all these pressures away.
Stopping porn consumption: This is what we are all here for. But it's the most important thing. Being free of porn made me actually see what if feels to be with someone else. Porn twisted everything and distorted the image of what a relationship is. and specially sex. With time I saw that sex is something very important for every couple but it doesn't define at all what the relationship is about. Putting less importance into it also helped me with ED.
There are tons of things that still worry me. The main one is getting over ED. Yesterday I smoked a joint with this girl and felt completely blocked. Like if I was at day one of the reboot. My mind regressed completely and couldn't get out of that mindset no matter how much I tried to relax. Luckily today I'm feeling a little better but lets see how things progress, I'm meeting her again tonight so the anxiety is piling up. The joint definitely didn't help though.
I trust though that by just showing up things will be ok. I'm going there to share a moment with her, not to make a performance. At least this is what I'm telling myself.
I tend to be afraid of commitments, actually I fear losing people. Being with someone I like is like a double edge sword, on one hand I enjoy that person, On the other I want to run away to avoid any pain that a breakup of loss may bring. this is something that I still have to work on and it may be also connected with ED. (shut myself off in order to avoid a real connection)
There are more things that I still worry about, but I'm just trying to let my body go through the experience of starting a relationship without much analysis.
I read this today and it got me thinking about writing this post:
“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self.... And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one's self.”
Good luck everyone! keep going and keep experimenting life!
This is brilliant, I need someone like this ij my life too!
Kudos to your progress and achievement. One of the main goals for me is also having meaningful relationships with girls and good sex with warm connection. Thank you for inspiring!
Geonov! thanks man! it's something really great to aim at
I'm very proud of your progress, I really believe you're on a more confident track now talk to you soon!
Good to see you're doing well friend. I'm so happy you've had major success and I agree with so many things you've said in this post. Keep up the good work
Progress on ED
Hi guys, I'll talk a little about my erectile dysfunction problem or 'performance anxiety' for a more accurate term and how little by little I'm finding ways to get over it.
During the past few days I had 4 encounters with the same girl. I find her very attractive and each time we meet I get the chance to relax and enjoy good company. ED is acting up though and I'm progressing in how to deal with it.
@EarlOnTheSet You might find this interesting.
WARNING: This might be triggering
The first time we met it was at my place, we did a kind of netflix and chill type situation which escalated to cuddling and sex. We spent the whole day together and I felt very relaxed throughout the whole time, I had no trouble getting a hard on. I think the key was to be focused on the experience of just enjoying each others company. Sex was not an objective, it was something that just happened during that time and a climax of the closeness we shared during that day.
ED didn't even cross my mind during the whole day.
This girl, my cousin and I met up to see an episode of Black Mirror, me smoked a joint right before it. On the episode there was this whole issue about watching porn, people finding out and extorting the kid who had done it in order to get a reward. This whole situation and the extreme to which the series takes it game me huuge anxiety. Being high I started over thinking about what would happen If she would find out, I felt ashamed of who I was. I was lying in bed with her and the connection that we had shared on the previous encounter had vanished completely.
I looked at her and didn't feel attracted. "why don't I feel attracted?" I remember touching her back and thinking "My dick is completely numb, I feel nothing when I touch her" "oh no this is happening again" It was like someone had inflated a balloon inside my head filled with demanding thoughts, I was completely stressed, I just focused on my lack of an erection and did stupid things to try and get turned on. there was no way around it, the situation escalated more and more inside my head. For some few moments I would kiss her and relax a little. when I felt a reaction on my pants I thought "oh here it goes! let's see if I get a hard on" and of course that killed the erection immediately.
My head was completely fixed on how my penis reacted to every action I did. "shouldn't I have an erection now? what about now? and now?"....
As we were not going to have sex at all I just layed in bed and waited till the series was over and they left.
3) We kept in contact and decided that we would have dinner at her place now. It was obvious that we would have sex. I thought about the anxiety and re read my own comments about ed haha, looked up online some new advice. I felt ready and decided that showing up was the most important thing. I did, we had dinner, drank some wine started kissing, touching etc. I didn't even think about it, it felt great, I got a turn on and had sex with no problem.
We layed in bed for a while cuddling, then the thought came in again, "what if she want's to have sex again, will you be ready????" I thought fuck, my brain is right. As the cuddling intensified the anxiety intensified with it.
I felt the balloon get filled in my head again, same thing, I couldn't focus on anything but the state of my penis and it's lack of emotion. I felt stiff, chills, very stressed out. I'm being demanded to get a turn on and nothing is happening. I told myself everything I knew about ED:
"This is not a performance" - "just try to focus on her body" - "relax" etc etc. Nothing worked. I had to tell her.
-"hey I'm feeling very blocked right now, it sucks and I hate to tell you this but sometimes when I get to this level of intimacy I get disconnected from my own body, I'm working on it but I just can't seem to get out of it right now"
She asked if it was her fault and I assured her that it was 100% on me. I had to explain myself even further and at some point we just went to sleep. None of us was comfortable with the situation.
I woke up extremely early on the morning, she was sleeping next to me. The anxiety had somehow quadrupled now. I hugged her but I felt cold and stiff, she pushed against me with her butt....nothing. I felt useless, I needed a hard on to make things right. Eventually I feel asleep again.
When I woke up somehow the anxiety had faded, I felt like touching her and when I stroked my hand through her back I felt excited. I kept going down touched her butt, kissed her. I just stopped checking for an erection and focused on touching her.
I think the most important part was to ask myself, what do I want to touch next, what will feel good to her, what part do I fantasize touching. these questions helped me out because they replaced the constant checking of my erection. I realized I was getting turned on and instead of patting myself on the back about it I just continued touching kissing. There was a tipping point, where I felt that no matter what, there was no turning back. There, I simply relaxed and had sex, wonderful.
She congratulated me for re-activating myself haha
4) Last encounter. We went out for some drinks, had a great time, came back home and felt confident that everything would work out. We kissed a little, I got hard, perfect. she went to the bathroom came back the hard on was gone. When the thoughts started coming I just let them be. I was actually tired of the whole anxiety thing. We started kissing, nothing. We started touching, nothing. I could tell she noticed. BUT I just kept going, I took her clothes off, and kissed her entire body. I started feeling excited. I just kept going, and there I got to the tipping point. I was excited, my body was feeling amazing, she was feeling amazing, no thought could bring me back.
There is a moment in this process. Where your body simply takes over, you just have to give it things to work with.
Thinking about getting an erection, doesn't give you an erection. Physical connection does.
Your body doesn't work by commands. It works by experimenting.
Don't pay attention to the issue of ED, even if you feel anxiety, realize that the only way out is to experiment with the other person.
Focus on what you like about her, If you touch her boobs and feel nothing, lick them, kiss her. This will eventually shut down your mind, just trust the process. and focus on what you're doing. You are not trying to have an erection, you're trying to experience another person.
Do not expect an erection at any time. The erection comes when your thoughts shut down. your thoughts shut down when you experience the other person body and connect with it.
These are just some conclusions that I reached last night. Maybe this helps someone that has the same problem. I'm really happy about this last episode. I think I found a logical way around it, where ironically the thoughts just don't have to be involved.
Definitely did not disappoint. I've gone through these same thoughts trying to coax my dick to get hard and it never worked. Until your last comment it hadn't occurred to me to focus on the experience and forget about the stiffy. Next time the chance comes, I'll try and do just that. Until then, I'm working on meditaton to help gain some power over my thoughts. Thanks for the stories!
This is very realistic a report. I am on Day 66 and can attest that everything you are saying is true
I also used to get frustrated at seeing couples, even friends, enjoying life happily while I wasted away. I would even sometimes muse they were doing it just to spite me lool.
Now I understand where their love is coming from, the need for connection and genuine love for themselves and life in general.
I have also been gradually dropping that twisted approach to girls, before NoFap and during its early days, I would approach/view every girl I met with this high expectations and overthinking mode of sex, relationship, marriage, break up etc. Now I understand they are humans first who attract me on many levels.
I also like being myself now more and not giving a flip what people think. I dress better (Love casuals) and generally like to have fun and talk my mind w/o wanting to please anyone as long as I am not being disrespectful or rude.
Thanks for reflecting me and maybe many others feeling the same
Yeah I completely agree, I'm very glad you're sharing the same thoughts. It's amazing that just by leaving porn for a number of days our heads automatically come back to a natural and common mindset...congratulations on your 66 days!
Thanks and congrats too for Day 76.
Success and many more!
Thank you for sharing your experience
how are you doing thelooker?
This was amazing, man I'm impressed about your achievements, I learned so much from you. Thanks for sharing with us, please keep up. Good luck in your life bro!
I'm doing good! I'm giving my last university finals and still focused on enjoying and growing in life! I'm thinking about making a post when I reach 160 days!
Thanks man! It's a pleasure for me to share these things, glad I could help
keep it up!
It's like watching a boxing fight on television while sitting in the comfort of your living room drinking a soda compared to the REAL LIFE activity of being in hand to hand combat with an enemy who really trying to kick your ass!
Please do continue to share your progress!
I have just started my own journey to cure my ED, so I'm particularly interested in learning what has been working for you.
Hey man! thanks for the support! these were my two other posts!