18 months in..

Reader Alert.. *Explicit Content BE Warned

I have put stars where possible to avoid anyone relapsing.

I reset by 50 days on three occasions recently.. mainly due to glimpsing porn.. but no hand masturbation.. I was almost 500 days in so now back to 300-365.. I got a really bad fever for weeks. And flu. Because of it.

At 15 whilstAt work a 21 yr old child care female uni graduate asked me if I watched porn.. I didn’t know what pmo was.. I was innocent. Pure minded. I was shy and said no.. she couldn’t believe it. She told me a story about the managers buying porn dvds from a adult shop.. I think she was wet and probably would have had sex with me. Had I known what she was asking.. I probably would have got a BJ off her or ended up licking her ar*e and t**s everyday. I really miss her, she was wifey material.

at 14 I bunked off school and met a 15 yrold girl with her 10-11 yr old sister. I slept with her for 2 hours. Kissing And fell in love. I am not too sure but one of the lads that was there with the other girls that were bunking off told me she was a slut. I probably would have kissed with her little sister too. I saw them both as my sisters. I wasReally innocent I think she ended up being sold exchanged for drugs or trafficked.. but I had a feeling she was being raped every day.

a few years later.. after that I ended up alone with a friend.. somewhere at night he didn’t care about me.. but he ended up having a wee and then with his penis exposed and after a very little effort to convince me he made me give him a .... .... and making me finish his****. I was like wtf did I just do.. This carried on for a few weeks or months TIL I moved house. It got worse before I moved.. sometimes I was high or depressed or sad but he started bringing some other local boys to the late night sessions and sometimes they would have 10 mins or maybe 20 and I was doing my best to satisfy their desires. I realised they didn’t care about me.. sometimes I would bring them into my house upstairs with my parents in the other room, and they would take it in turns to mouth r**e or take loads.. I eventually broke free and became unwell .. but I was severely craving big c***s and was so scared to approach them incase they wanted to have sex or sell me for sex with others..

Going back a few years at 11, I was taken into a field by an older guy probably 15/16.. and agreed to have sex but I didn’t know what sex was.. he asked me to take off my trousers in the field and to bend over.. afterHe said he couldn’t get it in.. I eventually turned around and saw his huge penis.. and was then asked to make it wet by applying saliva all over it so I did.. by sp**t*ng.. I wasn’t shocked for some reason but I was scared.. I was saved by a car beep that made us both scatter.. he has had sex with kids and I was going to be next had it not been for the beep.

A few years later girls everywhere online asking me for sex.. I rejected everything I thought it was weird.. by watching pporn I broke down.. when lawyers or students messaged me on Facebook I acted bizarre resisting sex all the time that was in offer lol but you know my cousin an armed response police officer introduced me to porn he used to watch in his mums laptop.. he was privately educated. This was at 17.. I was officially hooked.

My life went upside down in 2 months.. and within 12 years I had been admitted st last 7 times to a Psyche Ward.. it was frightening.. I learned that Drs do not give a crap about anyone.

I missed so many free sex offers with local girls.. I regret it and I don’t regret it.. had I been sexed I probably would have not ended up in a psyche ward.. had a job money and house and wife..

my life has gotten better and hopefully marriage in a few months. A nice car and new house but now jobless.. Still looking.


18 months hasn’t really done much but I can’t read or write or be sharp or analytical or work stuff out.. looks are still improving.. but I’ll say this.. my ability to speak and understand the system has somewhat improved to the point where I’m seen as a terrorist but lacking in memory. I struggle to remember how to say and what to say. Stay strong and be happy and don’t overthink.. if you’re alone then Satan comes to you he attacks your mind. If you’re busy pmo will leave your life really easy.. just the withdrawal stage is hard it’s only for 2-3 months.. take meds if need be. It will help. I still get thoughts about sucking peoples ..... even girls asses but it’s disappeared on Nofap hardmode.. a lot of the rich and famous love their wife’s getting banged I don’t know why. It’s crazy. But remember you don’t have long left in life. Better yourself before it’s too late. The fire of hell is waiting for ppl like us.. they the bad peoples will drag us down with them if we don’t stay away.. Time is running out.

last note.. I thought I was cursed or depressed for life.. I’ve gone longer than before off the psyche meds.. but still feel shit.. I have hope I think In almost being free from depression.

 

yes thanks.