1% better every day

Day 1

I made it to 6 days twice since my last entry. I have read 3 full books since then. I am really making a point out of creating good, solid habits. I wont magically turn my life around overnight but even becoming 1/10th of a percent better every day will make me 27 times better a year from now. I wonder what a version of myself 27 times more successful would look like.

I have read the witcher: Time of contempt, The compound effect and Atomic habits. I am on day 2 of meditating twice a day. I have meditated daily for a little longer but I just started a new counter for it. I have kept with my Keto diet since my first entry and I have worked out 3-4 times a week this month. I have also bought myself a step counter and am trying to set myself some walking goals. 6000 steps a day to start off.

I started intermittent fasting 3 days ago. I broke my fast yesterday and I am trying again today but I will keep my fast a little shorter to make it more achievable. The scale showed 113.9kg today. That was after my morning coffee. It is a new low for me. It means I am down 4.1kg so far.

My weight loss and exercise alone shows nice progress already. I am stronger and lighter than before. I am trying out a lot of other habits as well. 2 hours entrepreneurship a day, 1-2 hours reading, dopamine detox, 2x meditation, fix my sleep schedule and a few others. Half the work now is to properly establish my new habits. All wont fall into place at once and my willpower in regards to nofap is temporarily taking a hit. I spend all my energy on productivity.

It is a good thing. I am more busy and actually think less about PMO but I also experience more stress and have weak moments.

 

Day 2
Short entry from my phone. Looks like I have been on the Keto diet for about a month now. It wasnt perfect in the beginning but I have improved. I find it hard to stick with the diet when I am travelling but while at home I fare much better. The lowest weight I have hit so far is 113.3kg. I am down 4.7kg. I have to improve my fasting game. I have had a few successful days so far. I have been feeling overwhelmed with how far away I am from my goals but I cant let it affect me. My dream body is a long term project. It wont happen tomorrow. But much is done in a few months. I look better already and I feel good when at the gym. Nofap havent been going as well but my general momentum is in the right direction. Being busy and on a mission helps. It feels overwhelming in the beginning but my habits will pile up and I will beat PMO addiction eventually.

 

Day 11

I have been reading, meditating and working out since my last entry. I cant quite explain why I was more successful this time than my previous two months. I noticed around day 4 that I have more energy than usually. I was on my way to the gym at the time. I thought that I dont want to loose this energy. And that is because I am actually trying to get stuff done for once.

The less fatigued I am, the more successful I will be. I think this is an important point when trying to reboot. You need to work on building your new life. Hitting the gym 4x a week, meditating every day, reading a lot of books, do some chores and stay busy. Right now I am trying to build a website and dive into Ecom. My Biology studies is starting back up again soon as well.

Reducing my time on my phone makes me feel less bad about myself. Too much phone use can also cause fatigue. I am also pretty aware of my triggers. I have made it as difficult as possible to relapse and I am doing all I can to make relapsing the least desirable option. If I relapse, I have to print out a spreadsheet for August right away and paint a cross on it. Thats something I really want to avoid and the effort required makes it less tempting. Then I have many reasons to just stay clean. I have written down almost 100 reasons and I try to refresh my memory a few times a week.

The less time I spend thinking about nofap, the better. If I just forget about it for a few days because I am busy, thats the best way to rack up days.

Thats it for today. Hitting the sack now. I want to write one entry daily so I need to get more disciplined about it. Hopefully someone finds my thread interesting eventually.

 

Day 13

Something that resonated with me today from a former CIA agent in regards to task overload: If you feel overwhelmed, start by performing the task that takes the shortest amount of time. I applied that today and ended up getting a lot of chores done. I also spent almost 2 hours on my business.

My weight is currently 112.9 kg and I am on week 5 of my diet. I am down 5.1 kg. My goal is 28kg weight loss. That would make me pretty fit. Maybe ripped even.

I wrote a short entry in my diary yesterday about where I have improvement potential in my life. I am following the philosophy from a book I read recently called the Compound effect and another one called Atomic habits. The main idea is that if you just improve by 1% a week, that would compound to you being 17 times better within 2 years.

So thats my mantra right now. I believe I am improving at a much higher rate right now. Maybe it slows down eventually. Here are my main idea of what 100% means in different areas but it isnt necessarily where it ends as some of these have limitless potential:

*weight: -28kg=100%
*Workout: 104 weeks=100%
*Nofap: 180 days=100%
*Business: Spending 1000 hours on my business=100%
*Money: Making 100K a month=100%
*Socially: Having 100 contacts=100%
*Spiritually: Having a 365 day streak with meditation=100%
*Career: Completing a phd=100%
*Language: Fluent in Spanish=100%
*Home: Clean and tidy=100%
*Reading: Completing 1000 books=100%

 

Day 14

Today is the first day where I can confidently say that I feel a lot better. It isnt so much the emotional part of it. I dont feel neither sad nor happy today. One of the major indications that I am recovering is that I am able to hold eye contact, particularly with attractive girls without flinching or feeling awkward.

I hit the gym today. An attractive girl looked at me. Usually I would avoid her completely and not look at her because it would make me super anxious. I am not even half bad at social skills but I usually have to pretend being confident rather than be confident. I looked back at her and walked in the same general direction as her. I wasn't going to approach her but I was going to lift weights in the same spot. Still, I think that we both subconsciously ended up in that exact spot at the same time because of attraction. I didnt back off from standing in my spot and I didnt feel anxious about having a pretty girl right next to me.

The main things contributing here seems to be that my mind isnt in such a perverted state all the time. I have a more careless attitude. And ironically, me not thinking women is a big deal makes women attracted to me. I still consider myself relatively fat although decent looking and tall. Confidence beats everything. Today I was the most confident dude in the gym.

The second thing I got going for me today is that I more or less completed all the tasks I set out to do today. Meditated, took a shower, did all my chores, worked 2.5 hours on building my business, went to a coach at the university to see what topics I am going to take this semester. The alternatives were to take robotics for a few weeks or wait another month until everything starts.

I think I am going to learn robotics. I want to meet people asap as well as having something to do. I may have a few other alternatives as well but I only got 4 days to decide.

 

Day 15

Been to the gym today then I have been mostly slacking. I did practice Spanish for 25 minutes. There is some construction work going on right next to my apartment and I am completely unable to focus when it is going on. I need to start planning around it. It may be a good idea to go to the library or something on the weekdays. Probably a good environment to stay in anyways.

Think I am skipping the robotics course. It isnt obligatory for my bachelors. I am a little impatient. I have to wait another 25 days until my studies start. I should prepare and start to read a little in my books at least. And check that my student access card works around campus.

I think I am going to write today off as a relatively slow day. I will spend some time doing laundry, meditate and read. I dont feel like I have the energy to work on my business today but that may change. When I feel like this, my strategy is to just spend 5 minutes on it and quit if I still dont feel it. The purpose of it is to create a habit. I am still in the early stages of creating this new habit. It takes a lot of effort to just get started until I have done it plenty of times.

 

I am also going to commit to this one journal now. Usually, I have started a new journal almost every time I reset I feel like. I have a few in the distant past which I stayed with for a really long time. My best streak was 105 days but that is 6 years ago. No matter what happens, this is my journal now. It will be focused on self improvement.

 

Day 17

Slow day. Every day cant be perfect. I did a few chores and I have meditated once for 16 minutes and spent 30 minutes on Duolingo. I will meditate once more, probably read a little and call it a day.

 

Day 18

Today was relatively slow. I woke up a little later than I usually have for the last few weeks. I slept poorly because of neck pain. I spent quite some time meditating today. Or attempting to meditate that is. Been listening to Eckhart Tolle on youtube for around 4 hours and I have read a little in the Power of Now.

I notice that my mind is racing away most of the time. I have little control over it. I have had pretty deep meditations in the past but I havent really practiced it for a while. I have been a little frustrated that I am so lost spiritually again. But it is as every other time before when I started meditating again after a long break. The mind has gained a huge momentum again and it is probably going to take a few weeks for me to train up enough focus to catch my own thoughts so to speak.

I have to trust the process.

Other than this, I did workout today, I practiced both Spanish and English. I have read a little and I spent 40 minutes on my business. I had to slow down today. I was starting to feel stressed. What I am doing is going from PMoing multiple times a day to actually building a life I can be happy with. It is a huge change.

Another thing I noticed while walking today is that I am rushing. Still after 18 days, I dont completely feel like I can look people in the eye without feeling anxious. I was particularly self conscious today because I was trying to practice mindfulness while also trying to analyze the world around me. At least I noticed that I am stressing and walking too fast and slowed down.

On a side note: I did 100kg deadlifts today. 3 sets of 8 repetitions. It felt easy. I will try 110kg next time.

 

Day 19

It has been tougher to abstain today. I havent really been in the danger zone but I experienced my strongest urges so far. As long as my hands isnt going anywhere I should be safe. I have been feeling heavier today because of bad weather. I feel it in my neck. It hurts.

I did hit the gym eventually. It is the first time I am heading to the gym in pouring rain since I started a workout routine about 3 months ago. It was two things that got me to the gym today. One thing was that I really craved an energy drink (became a habit every time my neck hurts because paracet and caffeine works better than caffeine alone). The second motivator was actually the urges themselves. I know that there will be plenty of hot women at the gym and all I need is a smile to feel motivated to do nofap for at least a few more days.

And it really worked. I got a smile from two ladies. It helps on the motivation. I still have urges after returning from the gym. Maybe hitting the gym actually saved me. Sitting isolated on a heavy day like this one may or may not have worked out for me. It is a gamble either way since I would have to rely on white knuckling alone. It is a little easier to white knuckle when I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been listening to about 6 hours of teachings by Eckhart Tolle today. I always go Gung-Ho on meditation in the beginning. I know that it is really important since I have first hand experience of pretty pure states in the past. What I am realizing is that it is possible to more or less totally forget about these states if you give it a couple of years.

The right term is to say "forgotten". It is still there somewhere. But I gave my mind several years of momentum. It is now running non stop again and I just have to trust the process. The first step is always that I try too hard, get incredibly frustrated that I cant even recognize when my mind wanders. Then comes a period where I stop trying so hard and actually progress a little. Then I start to enjoy meditation again.

The reason why I stopped meditating the last time around was because I lost myself. I could meditate all day, every day. Nothing else mattered. Then one day, I had an out of body experience. I suddenly became really afraid of dying and rejected it. It was a decisive moment. I think most people do the same thing as I did and run away. Going trough that gate is scarier than physical death. It feels as if your very soul will be destroyed. Sorry if this sounds like hocus pocus. Only a few people who have had similar first hand experiences will understand. It is like you are waking up from a deep slumber and suddenly see everything as it is. I imagine that people with near death experiences can relate. I dont consider myself religious but I think more than a few religions have pointed towards this place.

 

Day 20

Getting trough yesterday was tough. I had strong urges all of yesterday and all night, causing restless sleep and some trippy dreams/nightmares. I am feeling somewhat depressed. I knew that I would be tested at some point, I just didnt know when. I have to brace myself for the next few days.

My impulse right now is to stay at home and relax but I know that will be a bad idea while dealing with urges. I have to continue moving forward but slow down the pace a little. Even just a small walk is better than ending up doing nothing. Also, my energy levels tend to vary a lot during the day. The feeling I have right now will change sooner or later.

This too will pass.

 

Back from the gym. It is my sixth gym session in the last 7 days. I just do one exercise really and head back home. Today I did some squats and some situps. I meditated once so far today for 20 minutes. The meditation was quite deep and I felt really calm for a while afterwards. My thinking has maybe reduced by around 10% overall. I didnt expect to see results this fast but I have been here before. It is just about remembering that I got lost in the first place. I think this applies on a much larger scale than I am currently able to see.

The first step on this journey of self discovery is to anchor myself in my body. I have been totally hypnotized for a while. The constant craving for entertainment. For distraction. Actively rejecting life. My cellphone has me hooked a lot of the time. Even after deleting all social media apps, I still get sucked in for at least 2 hours a day on average.

I notice that I reach for my phone on auto pilot whenever I feel slightly uncomfortable, bored or feeling like I should do something but I am not exactly sure what. Then I reach for my phone and minutes, sometimes even hours go by until I realize that I got sucked in once again. And the hold it got on me is sometimes so strong that I feel like it is impossible to break free. So my phone is the first thing that has to go.

PMO addiction is just a part of a much larger internet addiction. I am not as addicted to my computer. I used to be but I stopped gaming a few months ago and I am mostly using my computer for productive stuff which is a good thing. One thing less to worry about. PMO is by far the worst aspect of it but the internet itself is a minefield of triggers. Many news sources has triggering content. All social media and dating apps contain a bunch. They all have to go. Even Youtube has some sketchy thumbnails from time to time ( Even after filtering away as much as possible). Reddit is an absolute no go. Only social media I use with great caution is Facebook. I have to be careful not to open my recent friend requests because they are often from porn bots. I only check events in case there is something social I can attend, then jump off again. And I only check it from my computer.

So here I am sitting by myself without my phone. It is a good idea to turn it off completely. I have started doing this at 9 pm and I often forget to turn it back on. After turning off my phone, I feel triggered a lot less. And excessive phone use sucks your energy, burns you out.

My point here is that phone addiction is more subtle than PMO addiction. It is harder to even realize that you are addicted because it is so normal. It is also harder to see the immediate danger of it. Too much phone use will materialize over years. It will hurt your career, relationships and emotional well being. It is simply put a waste of time.

Maybe some are seeing where I am going with this but a layer deeper, we have thinking. This is where I am at right now. At the bottom of it all, we are addicted to thinking. When I put my phone down, my thoughts are racing non stop, almost without any space between one thought and another.

That annoyed me when I started meditating again. That I couldnt seem to stop even if I wanted to. Do you see how this is similar to PMO addiction and phone addiction? It is basically the same thing, only even more subtle. The entire world is lost in thought and no one even seems to notice!

My thoughts isnt even constructive. Not at all. 99% of what I am thinking is recirculated garbage from yesterday. Loops of thoughts that I have been thinking 1000 times before. And if it isnt the same exact thought, it is at least the same pattern. Repeating over and over again, endlessly. I remember hearing about the kharmic wheel a while ago. Doesnt this pattern seem like the wheel of Samsara? You basically reincarnate every single day, doing the exact same thing as you have done 1000 times before and go back to sleep.

This is why anchoring myself in my body is an important first step. It breaks up the momentum of my mind just a little. My body is more than just my mind. It was frustrating to see how far I have fallen. But I am starting to remember again. Tiny bits are starting to fall back in place. Ancient knowledge. It is still there under thousands of layers of illusions.

I can feel it as a subtle sensation. Like a tingling almost, slightly below my skin. I can feel it in almost my entire body again. But most of it is still covered up with large clouds. A relatively accurate comparison is the infamous brain fog. It is similar. I know that I am more but I cant quite see it yet. Only in short glimpses. It is there, between my thoughts. It is behind these letters.

Doing a body scan every now and then helps a lot. Making sure that all my body parts are still there. It is incredible how easy it is to forget that I actually have hands to navigate with, feet to walk with. That my skin senses hot and cold. If I am tense or relaxed. That I am breathing. That I am actually alive. How can we verify that we are actually alive? That we exist as something other than just mind projections? Because that is how we all live our lives. Projecting. It is all just one big theater! No one ever stops up for even just one moment to double check whether they are just dreaming it all up or not.

 

Thanks for popping in I appreciate that someone takes their time to read my rambles.

 

Day 21

Back from the gym once again. 7th day in a row. It is not only about getting a workout at this point. I get a good walk, I get some sun in my face and most importantly I get to see people every day. I may skip the gym tomorrow but I will still commit to a walk, buy some groceries etc.

I actually started reading a few pages in the Suttanipata today. I am pretty sure it is considered the Buddhist bible. I dont consider myself religious but I have always been interested in religion. I have most of the major religious texts from multiple religions in my possession at this point. I am a truth seeker. I read a lot of science as well and I wont believe anything unless I can verify it.

I have been trying to make sense out of the gurus around today that claim to be enlightened. Three of my favourites earlier was Eckhart Tolle, Sadghuru and Mooji. I have to discard both Sadghuru and Mooji. They are dishonest. It also did set me a little back when I realized that Eckhart Tolle is on Forbes rich man list and that his weekend seminars cost a fortune. That made me think about why there has to be a pay wall between me and enlightenment. That isnt fair for the less fortunate.

But I got trough it. I am pretty confident that Eckhart Tolle isnt trying to trick anyone. He may or may not be fully enlightened but I know for a fact that his teachings have helped me and millions of other people. He deserves respect for his kindness and wisdom. He isnt perfect and I think it is time to accept that there is no such thing. Mooji is a little trickier. I sense that he doest live what he preach. Some of his guided meditations have been really helpful but to me it seems like he is mostly just quoting Papajii and probably isnt as enlightened as he claims. Who am I to judge anyways. The only thing that really matters in the end is whether what they are saying is helpful or not.

My second meditation yesterday was even deeper and I started to grasp an important concept. The difference between that meditation and previous ones was that I didnt attempt to reach any particular state. The only thing I did was to make sure I was properly grounded in my body. It peeled off multiple layers. You have to let go of the idea of attaining anything at all. I realize that explaining the process is almost futile but there is only one guru. That inner state is the only true guide. No one can truly help you but yourself.

It may sound like I am a little obsessed with this whole meditation thing but there is more to my life than just this. It is important and all but going outside, meeting people is something I value highly as well.

I have noticed a significant improvement in my eye contact and confidence during the last few days. It is subtle, but I smile a little more at people. I have a tendency to tense up when meeting people. That isnt completely gone but improving day by day. I am motivated to go outside to get a few social interactions. I dont talk to a lot of people but even just being in public places is some sort of practice. A glance from a pretty girl here and there is enough to keep me going. I will take a proper look at events in my town soon and se if I can make a few friends. It is sorely needed. Long term it is absolutely necessary to rebuild my social life in order to stay clean for good.

 

Day 22

I dont feel like writing a lot today. Hit the gym for the 9th day in a row. Going on a hike tomorrow with a student fraternity. Good opportunity to maybe get a few friends. Completed everything I set out to do in my habit tracker. Not a lot of urges. I feel even more confident today than I did just a few days ago. People seem to sense it. Especially women.

 

Day 23 and 24

Forgot to check in the last few days. Thanks @SilentWolfSong for commenting

I went on a long hike with the student hiking group yesterday. It was raining a lot. I chatted with a few people but I could probably have talked with a lot more. The trick is usually to start small talking with people almost right away. Sort of like pretending I know someone because oftentimes people don't know each other that well. It could create a cascade effect. I dont really like the concept of social status but on a micro level, I can build social status in a group like this by talking with a bunch of people.

It is how it works so it doesnt matter if I dont like it really. I provide value by making it less awkward for the other people involved and people around will start thinking that I am someone they would like to get to know. I didnt do this yesterday. I got stuck talking with someone I didnt really want to talk to for a while and I made little effort to talk to more people.

Going on the trip was worth it anyways. I cant be too harsh with myself here. I haven't been on a social event like this in a long time. Just being there makes me more prepared until next time. I warmed up my social muscle a little. People wont automatically approach me. A few may but it is 100% my own responsibility to start making friends.

 

Day 25

That brings me to today. It is still quite early so I havent really done much yet. I didnt have much urges yesterday and I think maybe I am past having really strong urges that I struggle to cope with. I auto reject them for the most part and I have a rule set I follow that will work in probably all situations.

I have to watch out for complacency. I may start to feel like I dont need to follow the rules anymore because I am in control. Yesterday after I had showered, I found myself lying naked in bed. It was a totally unconscious action. I realized my hands had gone down there. My rule is no touching and it is a reason why I always have a boxer on while in bed. It is a barrier that wakes me up if my hands go down there. The moment I became aware, I got dressed and I didnt really have any urges after that. I have to stay alert and make sure I dont let my guard down like that.

I may make another entry in the evening since it is still morning here.

 

My counter is a little off. I will update it soon. My last reset was in the middle of the day 25 days ago. I could also count today as day 24. It switches to day 25 in a few hours. Edit: Fixed it. My last relapse was 28th July 2023. I installed the app sober time 30th of April 2018. Thats 5 years and my last relapse was number 1100. I started nofap in 2011 or so, so I think it is safe to say that the actual number is at least 3x that.