Hi all, i'll try to keep this concise, but seeking guidance on a situation I find myself in. Been dating my current Gf for 16 months. Initially, my head was somewhat clouded through coming out of active P addiction/consumption, but i'm a little further down the road now. We've had some nice times together, and worked through some sexual stuff as my PIED has faded a little, but the situation is this: We exchanged some letters. The last one she wrote gave an ultimatum, A) commit to the relationship, work through our shit, share our lives with each other B) try an open relationship (something that would suit me far more than her) C) break up Realistically, it's either A, or C Pros: - She is loyal - She is sweet and affectionate - We don't argue, our relationship is stable - She is tolerant and understanding of my addiction & recovery stuff - My family like her Cons: - Try as I might, I find it hard to be attracted to her physically (i.e her dress sense, her body) - I struggle to be attracted to her mannerisms and demeanour - I do not feel like I love her - I find it hard to imagine her as the mother of my child - I've struggled to integrate her into my friendship groups I should point out that this is my longest relationship to date! Obviously i've simplified the list, but my feelings haven't really changed that much since the start, and I guess i'm asking for guidance as I worry that my addict self (who is shallow, and still thinks women should look/behave like pornstars) is influencing my decision. I feel like i've tried to see if things would change in my head, but on the most part, I still feel the same as I did, despite the fact that she is a nice person, an she tries to be good to me in her own way. Any guidance on what I should do would be appreciated
I probably can't give great advice... But my thoughts reading your Pros vs Cons list is what is more important to you in your ideal marriage/long term relationship? The positive aspects you talk about or the Cons? What is it about her that you don't think would make her a great mother? Why is it you don't feel you love her? Is it hard to integrate her into your friends because of personality differences? Are those differences something that attract you to her or not? Do you feel you can love and understand those differences? What is your ideal outcome? Also what "shit" needs worked through? (My wife is an introvert and isn't good at branching out to my friend groups until she gets very comfortable with them. Once she does she's her normal self! Sometimes this has been hard for me as I am not that way. But, slowly I am learning to accept that difference as not a big deal it's just who she is.) As far as physical attraction I do think it matters, however as we grow older things do change, and other aspects of the relationship become more important. Do you feel you are being fair in your view of her or do you feel you might be unfairly judging her? Seems like you have a gf with a lot of great qualities and things to offer. If there are things you don't think you can see past it might be a good thing to part ways for both of you. Wish you well on your decisions.
Have you told her this? What would your reaction be if she struggled to be attracted to your body? I would be open with her about all of your struggles and see if she is still interested. You are debating whether she is the girl for you, but you should also be VERY open with her about this and also let her decide of you are the guy for her.
It doesn't sound like you like her very much at all. Is she hoping to get married and have kids one day? If so, I think I vote option C because if she is looking for her person in life, it doesn't sound like she is yours. It's cruel to waste her time if you don't love her.
100% agree. If you don’t t know if you love her after 1.5 years move on and let her go find someone that will appreciate her for who she is and love her without doubts
To me, it sounds like you think you'll be settling if you stay with her. As @SanctuaryWife said, you really should be honest with her about how you feel because she may want a marriage with someone who truly adores her, and if so, she will only end up heartbroken. If you aren't attracted to her, don't see her mothering your children, and don't love her after all this time, why are you still in this relationship? Sometimes I think people stay because they are afraid they won't find someone else, or it's just easier to continue in the current situation. Another reason is they don't want to hurt the other person with the truth. But, you'll never know if there's someone out there who's a better match if you stay with this one, and delaying being honest about how you feel won't keep her from being hurt. If she presented you with those options, she's obviously not content with the status quo so now is the time to do what's best for both of you.
For me it would be simple, C - break up. Any one of the cons that you listed would be enough for me to break up with someone who insisted it be long-term. The pro's you listed are fine, but they are sort of the minimum that you would expect from any good relationship. Here's why to break up, there are 300 million people in this world, about half of them, 150 million are women. Given those huge numbers, there is definitely a better suited woman for you within your geographic area. Drop this one and go find one that you love.
Yes, I was thinking of the USA, good catch! I don't know what Country the poster is from, but the point is, there are a lot of potential mates out there and there really isn't a good reason to compromise with someone that you don't fully love.
I got the point, I just couldnt figure out the number, because there are billions of people . And I agree with you that break up would probably be the best for both.
Thanks everyone for your input! I needed some impartial views, also to remind me that i'm no saint, and I should be (more) grateful for any female who takes a liking to me. I didn't mean to make it sound as though I don't value and respect her (for the record), and my 'issues' are that I am a recovering porn addict whose perception of love, arousal and healthy sexuality are in the process of a big overhaul and rebalance, one day at a time. Naturally, I recognise that this is certainly a 'blot' against me being the best partner I can be also. But thanks for these also @hope4healing: In truth all 3 of these resonate as the factors affecting my decision thus far. I appreciate all your support with this NoFap folks!
If you’re truly 80 days clean from PMO and still don’t feel attracted to her, that’s worrying for me. I go two weeks without porn and I’m more attracted to my wife. If you stay in it, you have to tell her how you feel and let her make her decision. No woman deserves to have someone “settle” for them. If she wants that, it needs to be her choice.
