Hi all This is a long thread because I feel it is important to share the background. I am married to the love of my life. She is my everything and my soul mate. We have been married for 4 years and together for a total of 7 years. We have had a good relationship and both genuinely love each other. We have a decent sex life . I did not even really realise that I had a problem until a massive aha moment occurred. After which I realised I have been addicted to PM for at least 15 years. As a form of escape and also for that dopamine rush. Sub consciously I knew there was a problem but I always brushed it off. My wife is even OK with me watching P and M. Although I never admitted to her (before the event)how frequently it happened. So my P addiction escalated into escorts porn. This grew into looking at escort Web sites. One day after a lot of excessive drinking this uncontrollable urge came over me to meet an escort. Long story short I phoned and went. The rush was exhilarating. We didn't have sex but there was touching involved . The next day when I sobered up I felt so low and terrible and couldn't believe what I had done. It wasn't me. I have in the past lost control when I have been drunk and behaved in ways that are just not me. This was my aha moment that something was wrong. I spent time researching and soul searching and I came across sites like this one. I realised how corrupted and poisoned my mind had become and how I had lost control. The moment that occurred has shocked me into taking massive action. I will not let this happen again. No P and M and 0 . I don't even think it will be a problem. Although there have been urges I resist because there is more at stake here. I was even able to talk to my wife about the addiction and she has been super supportive and understanding . She agreed to no sex for 90 days so that my mind can reboot. My question is should I tell my wife about the what happened? Should I live with the fact that this terrible thing has occurred but has helped me to kick out the addiction? Should I spare he the pain from knowing that I have betrayed what we have? She doesn't deserve the pain. Or should I be honest about the fact that it did happen. I would like you guys to give your considered input please.
Quitting porn won't make you feel better about what you did. The guilt there will not be absolved in your mind until you share what happened and you pay the cost. Well done on choosing to take a positive action and become a better person, but imho, you will only truly feel better if you process the fallout of your actions honestly and openly. I have no experience with betraying my wife in this way, only in the betrayal of porn use, and so I cannot offer with any authority what to expect in terms of consequences, but I would hate to live my life knowing that I had done something like that and not sharing it. You will need to be brave in order to share this, and to respect and accept you wife's freedom to choose whether to leave you as a result of your actions, but if you are truly open about what led to this and your dependence on porn, how it escalated and your desire to remove all unhealthy sexual behaviours from your life, then perhaps your relationship with her will be stronger than ever. Two things to remember: Relationships have survived infidelities. Unresolved guilt can cause serious mental health issues. I know which road I think is the right one, but I also recognise how difficult it will be to take that road. Good luck.
Thank you for your considered answer. I thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.
I might add a contribution. My situation has been quite similar. Although much less severe than yours. I too had a sudden revelation that I was addicted to porn. Not necessarily pornographic videos but images I found appealing on tubmlr. This escalated to the point where I found myself wanking of girls I had been with in the past on instagram. My girlfriend of approximately 3 months wants to lead a completely open and honest relationship. I have completely fallen for her and too believe she is the love of my life. But she asked me to be honest with her. She wanted to know everything about me, from previous girlfriends to sexual habits to fantasies; essentially so she could make a well informed decision about whether she wants to be with me. Now I write it, it sounds a bit rigid, but I understood her reasoning. I told her everything. About the prostitute I had slept with prior to meeting her. The fact I had cheated on every girlfriend I'd ever been with, and that I had wanked over a girl that wasn't her whilst I had been with her. She was devastated, as you can imagine. Immediately questioning whether she was beautiful enough, and worthy of love. My confession made me realise at least one thing. I have led an untrue and dishonest life for some time. Maybe this confession was the start of a new me. I told her for two reasons. Because I knew it would give me the reality check I needed to kick my habit once and for all. And because I want so much to lead an honest and loving relationship. Ultimately I knew that if she could find the strength to forgive me, should could very possibly be the one. And if she couldn't, at least the pain of losing her would kick start a revolution in my life. 5 days in to my pm rehabilitation and it's going great. Yesterday I flew to Madrid to randomly surprise visit my girl and it went down very well. I think she will be able to forgive me in time. And I am so excited about my new honest and open life. My scenario is obviously different. I had a lot less to lose, in a relationship only 3 months old. But if your wife really is the one, I think she will forgive you in time. I think a relationship built on honesty and trust is the only one worth having, and your guilt may eat you alive if you don't tell her. Be prepared for a lot of pain before the weight of guilt is lifted, but ultimately I think it will lead you to a more fulfilled and loving relationship. Good luck x
I thank you also for your input. I agree that one wants to build a relationship on honesty. But don't you think that sharing the past to alleviate guilt is selfish in it self? Is hurting another person by confessing past to not worse than living with guilt? If one can find a way to forgive yourself and truly devote yourself in every way (emotional, physical financial etc) to your partner, is that not better than hurting them and giving them issues to deal with? I am not arguing with any opinions I just want to know that the reasons for telling are in fact about the greater good and not just about the the addict alleviating guilt.
Some good points. I'm not sure it's about alleviating guilt. I think it's about doing the right thing. My girlfriend was very hurt. And no-one wants to hurt anyone. But the thing is you've already carried out the action that will hurt her. The confession isn't the thing that will hurt her. My girlfriend was actually very impressed with my sincerity. It would have been a lot easier to brush it under the carpet and most guys would have. Actually my full 100% confession was my only redeeming feature, and could be what actually saves my relationship. She appreciated it a lot, because she knows she would have been further destoryed if she found out of her own accord further down the line. And its very possible she would have found out, because have you actually fixed anything if you paper over the cracks? In a way I think I was quite selfish in my confession. Not because I wanted to alleviate guilt, but because in a way I used it as a way to start my own revolution. A question this raises is: Is admitting to yourself what you've done is wrong enough to actually change yourself, or do you need the real smack in the face the confession will bring?
Be wary of your own reasoning: it is possible to convince yourself that what you are doing is right, regardless of what you have chosen to do. Just look at all of the evils done by humans who felt totally justified in their own actions. Either decision could be seen as selfish: surely not telling her will protect you from her response to that knowledge. People deserve their partners to act honestly. Being sheltered from unpleasant truths is not a saintly favour that you are doing her. It may help shield her from the pain of knowing (for now), but if you are not honest now, and do not take the journey to recovery together, then you risk hurting her much more down the line. What if your behaviour escalates further to the routine use of prostitutes? Some other coping mechanism to deal with the guilt over that behaviour? Drug misuse? Alcoholism? What if she finds out down the line when she contracts an infection, discovers that your finances are not in order, or finds you overdosed? These scenarios may seem farfetched, but if guilt and remorse are what are causing you to want to change your behaviour, then you should do what will prevent further guilt and remorse down the line. Also, what was it that Yoda said about fear?
Yes I agree it shouldn't be about justifying the action. And it really isn't. It happened and I have faced a lot of demons that I never understood. In fact I am thankful (not sure if it is the right word) that it happened because if it didn't it surely would have escalated into something good far worse down the line. So it happening has made me admit a lot to myself already. A part of me wants to tell her if I am honest but I am honestly not sure if it it really is the right thing to do.
Which is more important to you? Feeling clean by confessing or protecting her from the hurt confessing might inflict on her?
No-one deserves to be lied to. And by not telling her you are lieing to her as a well. Only compounding your problems. If she finds out later, your relationship is definitely doomed. And I suspect she will find out, because your guilt will consume you, changing your behaviour and attitude in every day life. If you've been married for 4 years, she'll know you inside out. Whilst you may be able to mask your guilt as some sort of side effect of the reboot, it will not die and she will find out eventually. I'm speaking from a experience when I say telling her is the best option.
I agree it shouldn't be about making our own reasoning work for us. I know I messed up and I do need to deal with it. In fact I have to admit that after a lot of soul searching there is a part of me that is glad (not sure it's the right word) that it happened. It was a huge smack in the face that caused me to realise that there is a huge problem that needs fixing. If it didn't happen it probably could've escalated into something far worse (real sex) or other kind of promiscuity (an emotional relationship). So it made me realise what is important. The most important thing in my life is my wife. And I want to serve her in the best way.
Hi, I only read the original post, I'll read others responses after I post. I am a partner and I can tell you the thing that destroyed the relationship was the lying and deciet. My partner never went further than PMO, and that was devastating to find out. If he had told me about PMo and I thought I knew everything only to later down the line discover he went further, I would leave. As me and many partners will say, total honesty is the way to recovery, and total honesty is what your partner deserves. It will be very hard to tell her, I can only imagine, but I am going to tell you that it is the right thing to do for both parties. For you, it means you are truly in recovery and taking responsibility for your actions, and by seeing her pain, you can see how bad your behavior has gotten and can truly start to make that up to her. For her, she gets to have a real choice of whether she wants to stay. I for one can tell you that feeling like I had no choice on who I was with in the relationship has been a big issue that sometimes still comes up. I sometimes still feel anger at my partner for the deception because I felt tricked into being with him and having to stay. It sounds like your wife is very supportive, and if she learns about PMO addiction, that can only be helpful for when you tell her how the addiction escalated. I have a thread where I gave resources for partners and addicts that have helped me and a lot of other partners get through tough times through recovery. Take a look at some. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...o-both-pa-and-so-definitely-read-this.108415/ I would say try writing a letter about your addiction, how it escalated, your aha moment, and how you are taking recovery seriously, and how you want to do everything in your power to prove how dedicated to recovery you are and how dedicated to your wife you are, and that would include things to rebuild trust. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. I can tell you the only person you are protecting by not telling her if yourself, and the guilt will eat you alive. It ate my partner alive and I watched him fall apart due to guilt. I had no idea what was going on at the time but I knew something was very wrong. Once all came out I figured out exactly what was going on. If you want to protect your partner, then tell her the truth and protect her from feeling like she is with a liar. Being lied to is the one way to assure trust is broken, and once trust is broken it's hard to earn back. If you are upfront, even though she will be hurt, at least she can't be mad because you lied to her and tricked her. I told my partner I wished he had told me in the beginning when he PMo'ed that way we could address it head on. It's the lying that almost led to us breaking up. Now, after working on individual and couple recovery me and my fiance couldn't be better. We completely turned this PMO into a positive thing. We have gotten closer, and both have learned how important honesty is, and how important communication is. When one of us is feeling an urge (I used to self-harm) we talk to each other. We reach out to each other for support, and we are able to held each other through a tough moment. I wish you luck in your recovery, and do hope you tell your wife. She deserves the truth. No one deserves to be lied to in a relationship. Again, if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.
Protecting her from what? The real you? Doesn't she deserve to know who she really married? At least that way if there is enough love left you can both be a part of a new you. My last remark is it won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. I feel I have said my piece (based on a similar experience) and any more contributions would just spiral into an unqualified agony aunt exchange. Good luck with whatever you decide x
You guys are really amazing and offer awesome insight. I agree with what you said and I am going to find the strength to tell her. Any thoughts on how ?
@PurePTA I say a letter is best because then you have something to reference if you get too emotional when trying to tell her. I am still waiting for my fiance to write me an apology letter for what has happened, and I told him if he had a letter, he could take time to compose his thoughts, make sure he doesn't leave things out, and when telling me, can look to the letter if he gets overwhelmed as a reference point. In a letter you can address how long the addiction has occurred, why the addiction occurred (the root cause, if you know that), and what happened during the time you've been with your wife (aka how many times you used per week, the hiding aspect, the escalation), and then in the end talk about your aha moment, and how it smacked you in the face and you knew you had to recover and that you are dedicated to recovery of your addiction and dedicated to the recovery of your relationship.
I am going to tell her. Thank you all! This is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have had to do. But I am going to do it. I will do it when we are home from work tonight
I'd like to add.... I needed to know everything. As a SO if I didn't how could I know later that he was being honest in our relationship? It was difficult, yes. But in order for us to move on and forward, I needed the details. That way when he spoke I could tell he was accountable. It wasn't another lie. The lying is definitely the worst. It's why I almost left. It wasn't the usage. I do wish you the best and I do agree with what everyone said. I like the letter idea. Good luck.
Here's an old thread that talked about how to disclose. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...so-what-did-you-say-how-did-they-react.92832/
