This is my story...

Hi @Sunshinestar88, I read your story and it breaks my heart to read your story, yet I feel like so many of us here can relate on both sides of the spectrum. I have noticed a few people say it will get easier, that you're doing the right thing, and some advice how to handle the situation, so I will try to not repeat to much.

First thing to note is that nothing is easy when it comes to addiction. It sounds to me like your husband has problems opening up, a trait that is essential to a healthy marriage. I want to urge you to be hyper-sensitive to policing him, which is largely what I feel you have been doing. An addicts brain is simple, and no matter what you put in place, we will always find a way around the barriers set up. Your husband is only going to heal by his own choice, your help is certainly helpful, but it won't make him heal.

Secondly, I think your husband needs to make a choice. He needs to either stand up to his friends and tell them to cut it out with the crudity, or he needs to friends. My counselor and I were talking about the brotherhood of a fire department. He talked about how he had a client who was a firefighter, and he didn't know what to do. Once your outside of the "group" you might as well be gone, and one of the things that particular group did was watch pornography together. The counselor essentially gave him two choices, the client could either transfer to a new department, or stay addicted. There is no middle ground on this, if his friends are saying and doing that stuff, especially when they know he is married, your husband needs to stand up for himself, it may or may not result in losing friendships, but you can't beat alcohol addiction while living next to a liquor store, you can't beat a porn addiction while dwelling with constant lustful thoughts introduced by others. Our mind will create enough of those as is, eventually we can't handle the added consistent temptation. If your husband wants to beat this addiction, he will stand up for himself and make it clear he won't be around that anymore. Addiction thrives and is most dangerous when it is in hiding, if he coexists with it, it will continue to strength and he will not ever be free.

Thirdly, I highly recommend you and your husband seek out individual and Christian based counseling. Why Christian? Because Christianity largely holds that sex and pornography addiction is bad, and can be fixed. Many many secular based counselors don't see an issue with pornography and will be no help. Secondly, why individual counseling? Because most likely your husband is going to need to explore some deep stuff with a counselor, things that he can't do if you are there. 1 or 2 sessions as a joint group might be okay, but it really wont help in his growth and healing. Largely, you two need to find a counseling organization that can help you both, with two separate counselors. You might think of yourself like I did, in that I was quite a counseling skeptic. However, it is highly helpful. The counselor will be able to help you work through all of this from your perspective, help and teach you new ways to strengthen your marriage, and support your husband, and his counselor will be able to help him heal, and actually heal.

Fourth, and I can't stress this enough - you making him do anything is only harmful. He might comply and get rid of it, but he will without a doubt, find a new and more sneaky way to consume his craving.

I am so sorry for your pain and struggling through this. There is a positive future just by seeking out help, but unless you both are serious about it I fear that it will be in vain. I can empathize with you immensely in how much this hurts, how hard this is, and it certainly is. Don't marginalize it. You are doing the right thing by getting involved with a group, groups are a huge help. If you guys can't afford a counselor, I would highly recommend your husband go to a SAA (Sex Addiction Anonymous) group. Your husband will feel awkward, he will think he is alone, and then other guys will start sharing. All of a sudden the deepest darkest things your husband is ashamed of, seem marginalized because these guys are HONEST. Things your husband is ashamed he looked at one time, will be things that these men say "oh I did that last week, thats nothing." A group will be hugely helpful.

There is much healing, and a very tough road ahead. Despite what NoFap states, it takes about 8-10 months to really be healed and doing well. It is a long journey, but you will see results much sooner than 8 months.

I hope this is helpful for you to read, I am sorry it is so length. I hope you and your husband find freedom. If you would like more information I would love to answer questions you might have.

God Bless and good luck,
-8Bit

 

Well. You have to confront him with your thoughts. It is a tough situation for you and it drains your energy. You don't have to look after him all the time. Love yourself more than you love him. Tell him, that you won't check on him any longer or less. The reason behind it is because it just destroys you. Tell him that you can't accept this kind of relationship any longer and make a list of arguments why this hurts you. He has to understand that you have valid points questioning the situation. He created some barriers and you have to make sure that at least some informations pierce through the barriers. Make it as logic as possible. If you just come up with stuff like "well, I think that what you do is just not right." he will attack you saying that "but this is just your opinion and you are not a doctor". Be cold blooded in your argumentation but show him that there also is this woman that really loves him.

 

You deserve to be free.

 

I know no other way but to be blunt. This is absolutely wrong. You did not cause him to get this addiction and you cannot stop him from having the addiction. As others have said, he will find a way around it if it's just you blocking him from porn.

And I say this with love and understanding as a wife who tried to "fix" my husband's porn issue and who tried to make him accountable to me so he wouldn't relapse again. I hear your pain and I understand why you say this. But it is not healthy and it is not true.

You say you cannot afford counseling. Do you have health insurance? I do and I found it was actually not nearly as expensive as I assumed it would be. And in my state you get at least three sessions with just a copay and insurance pays some after that too. You might also see if there are any places that offer counseling on a sliding scale.