Support for wife of an addict

Hi all,

I am new to nofap, this is only my second post. My husband and our marriage is struggling with PMO addiction among other things. He is going to counseling and is close to 3 months PMO free. I'm proud of how far he had come and I do recognize and appreciate that he is trying to change. He's communicating more, and very careful around other women now - I actually had to tell him last week that it was ok for him to make eye contact with the attractive female store clerk! With some prompting, he admitted he is so scared of upsetting me and losing me (by crossing that line into flirting again - it has been quite the issue in the past) that he is very anxious around other women. It pained me to hear this and I told him I trust that he knows where that line is now, and will respect it. So yes, he is trying, and improving greatly....

What I'm struggling with tonight though is "why."
My hurt and anger over what he did, and his dishonesty around it all just bubbles up like this at times and it is so discouraging. He hurt me deeply, but I do recognize that the remorse he feels over what he did is nearly as intense as my grief.
Why, then, am I still having these periods of panic and insecurity??? I can't shake the idea that he did it all because he didn't love me at the time, or was resenting me, or was unattracted to me... Etc. I read over and over that it's not because I'm "not attractive enough" for him, but I still feel so worthless after finding out everything. My feelings seem illogical to me and are very frustrating.

Tonight I am really having troubles finding compassion for him and his behaviour, even though I know it is a struggle and that he is trying... I'm just so hurt that I want to run away and protect myself. I am so afraid of being hurt like this again by him.

Can anyone give me some insight on this? I am really lacking courage tonight.

 

Oh ok, thank you. I wasn't sure which category would be good, still learning here

 

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THANKYOU! So glad I am welcome to post here, it's been a crazy couple weeks for both of us and it's a relief to know this is all normal processing stuff for us right now.

 

Yes I really do hope it gets better! For you too! I know what you mean about the appetite thing. It's a struggle some days to take care of myself and get things done, difficult to avoid the "what's the point, he doesn't care anyways" kind of thinking. Lately though first and foremost I am taking care of myself physically and mentally, no problem seems quite so big when you are full of healthy food and well rested What these other ladies have suggested has helped as well, educating myself to understand a bit better... However angry and hurt I still may be, it does help. I'm still suffering from a bad case of the "whys" today, hopefully it will pass while I try to cross some things off my todo list. Sometimes just focusing on other things besides OUR RELATIONSHIP (capitalized because it's so big and scary right now lol) really can help. I hope things are going better for you lately, have you found anything else to help sooth "why?"

 

Thank you for your post, it is helpful and refreshing to hear this point of view, and to see that someone struggling with this addiction can and does understand how painful it can be for a spouse. I've often doubted whether my husband "gets it" or not and your post makes me think maybe I can give him a little more credit. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, I think he does understand how much this has impacted me but I don't always acknowledge that because sometimes I'm too busy victimizing myself and blaming him. Something I keep hearing through all this is "it's not all black and white," and if I'm to ever reach any peace or understanding around this I need to remember that my husband isn't "all bad" and I'm not "all good." A good reminder!

 

Thank you! Yes the education on the subject is helping immensely, and helping me to find compassion for his situation. It's so easy to hate when one is hurting, I'm trying very hard not to fall into that and to focus on healing instead!

 

THANKS! I've just ordered this book, it sounds great! Thanks for the recommendation
I have visited the site a few times, understanding is absolutely necessary for healing this hurt, it's been really helpful.
Thank you for the reminder that I'm not alone. It really is a comfort that this isn't completely abnormal or impossible. We've been going to marriage counseling and I struggle with feeling like a failure by doing so. Sometimes I feel like counseling is like admitting we failed at marriage and I've failed as a wife. Another lesson I'm learning through this: asking for help doesn't mean you're failing!

 

Great advice Charlene, I can't imagine the struggles you must have dealt with. Thank you for sharing!
I am enjoying focusing on me since the new year started, but as a very introverted (perhaps even slightly avoidant) person I am still struggling to find balance. Permission to concentrate on me has meant that sometimes I neglect "us" because I just don't want to deal with it haha I'd much rather stay busy and work on my todo list, or exercise or paint. Sometimes I feel like I'm just distracting myself from the issues instead of solving anything...but, you are right, many issues are his to solve. And meanwhile I have my own, I may just need to find the right balance between focusing on me or our relationship. Practice I guess