Accountability for All

Wow you got a lot 200+ day streaks and I see your screentime is really well controlled... congrats on your sustained success and thanks for the inspo friend

 

Good on your maintaining your focus and finding others ways to channel your energy, stay strong bro

 

60'ish days is quite a good streak! But as soon as you relapse, it is more difficult to get out of that.

 

Day 375

Read yesterday in a book that it takes between 3 and 5 years for an addict to fully heal and make new neural pathways. Sorry guys, don't want to be a negative nancy. So here's to day 375 of at least 1825 (the amount of days in 5 years). Of course I will keep on going after that, but maybe I will stop counting after day 1825. Who knows. So far into the future still.

Workout: day 268
No pushups after going to the toilet. No workout.

Walking: day 275
Took a long walk in the afternoon and a short walk in the evening.

Screentime: day 275
2:39 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:11 hours on the Internet (trying to find back a recipe I wanted to cook)

Lying: day 55
Make room for the words of your partner. You might not always be up for the words of your partner, but they will be sweet if you swallow them. You probably want to settle for an easy afternoon, but this kind of work always takes work and needs your attention when it comes up.

Meditation: day 365
4 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 375
Read in Help.Her.Heal about all the exercises you need to first chart the hurt you've caused your partner. You're advised to make 2 timelines: a historical timeliness and a cheating timeliness. The book eventually recommends to try to connect the two together so that the partner has optimal clarity.

Sleep: day 231
Slept much better than the last few days. And nothing apparently has changed. But I still need a new pillow.

Healthy eating: day 231
No sugar day yesterday. Cooked in the evening with couscous and goat cheese.

Cold showers: day 275
2 cold showers were had again. I took a slightly warmer shower yesterday afternoon, as very cold water seems to make my neck more painful.

 

Day 14

Nothing much to report. I am working hard on a chemistry test this week. I notice that I have more energy to get things done.

 

Day 376

Had a nice day yesterday. It was tranquil and I came to see my girl on her lunch break with a lunch box with her favorite treats. We walked into the city and had a lunch walk. After the walk, she went back to the office and I went back home. Spent some time working on her resumé and we even continued working on it in the evening. Not ideal, but it's worth it. She will be ready to apply for a new job today and all the time and effort spent on the resumé and motivation letter will be worth it.

Workout: day 269
Did my pushups, but still no workout. Want to do a workout today again.

Walking: day 276
Took a long walk in the city in the afternoon and a short walk in the evening.

Screentime: day 276
4:41 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:48 hours on the Internet (following a recipe on the internet)

Lying: day 56
A relationship will always be the sacrifice of your own comfortability for the other. You'd for example probably would rather sit on the couch doing your things than to talk things through with your partner. Talking things through makes sure the relationship is okay and that there are no hard feelings left between the two of you.

Meditation: day 366
3 sessions. 55 minutes.

PMO study: day 376
Read in Help.Her.Heal about recognizing your feelings. As a P addict, I find it difficult to sometimes recognize what I'm feeling. When I see five main feelings in the book, I remember that it is actually not so difficult.

The five feelings are:

• Anger
• Sadness
• Happiness
• Fear
• Loneliness

All other flavors can be brought down to these 5 core flavors.

Sleep: day 232
Slept a bit better than the last few days.

Healthy eating: day 232
I had a sugar day yesterday and I had sugar before I went out to see my girl. Sugar on an empty stomach is a terrible idea, as I was easily distracted. My girl bought me a delicious cake in the city and I ate it after arriving home.

Cold showers: day 276
The showers taken yesterday weren't as cold as before. I see that very cold showers make my neck pain worse. I will shower cold again today.

 

Day 377

Picked up my girl and went to the psychiatrist yesterday. It was a good appointment. My neck was painful yesterday, so I wasn't as cheerful as I usually am. Had a difficult conversation with my mom yesterday. She is pressuring me to find a job. I have said that I'm busy with this process and that I will find a job in due time. She is fearful that I have no money to spend and urges me to find a job asap and make money. She doesn't see what a fulltime job does to the process and she also doesn't see what conversations like this do to me. It didn't make me more cheerful.

Workout: day 270
Did my pushups and a workout. Will do a workout again today.

Walking: day 277
Took a walk in the afternoon with my girl and a short walk in the evening.

Screentime: day 277
0:22 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:09 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 57
Be open to express your feelings when you feel uneasy with your partner. You can only come closer if both of you speak their minds. It shouldn't be that only one is allowed to speak and that the other should be silent, although it will feel like that in the beginning, but you should gradually speak and communicate between yourselves.

Meditation: day 367
4 sessions. 63 minutes.

PMO study: day 377
Read in NVC, a language of life about the exercises I can do to really listen to the other. Are there moments when I don't listen? Why don't I listen? What feeling prevents me from listening to the other? Can I park that or do I feel compelled to speak this out?

Sleep: day 233
Slept a bit better yesterday than the last few days.

Healthy eating: day 233
No sugar day. Cooked a delicious dish yesterday.

Cold showers: day 277
Taken two cold showers yesterday.

 

Day 378

Yesterday was okay. I helped my girl with her resumé and she finally applied for a job at her organization. We talked a long while on Whatsapp to speak the resumé and such through.

Workout: day 271
Did my pushups and a workout. Try to do a workout again today. Think I have the energy for it.

Walking: day 278
Took a 22+ min walk in the afternoon and a 22+ min walk in the evening. Took a bike ride of 7+ min.

Screentime: day 278
4:55 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:06 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 58
When you help out your partner, be open in your communication. It may be that you are very willing to help in the beginning, but that your willingness starts to waver a bit after 3 hours. Speak it through with your partner. However, if you know this in advance, speak with your partner about blocks of time you are available to help. E.g.: ‘Is it okay if I help you out from 3 until 5 PM? If more time is needed, I suggest I then help you again from 6:30 - 9 PM’

Meditation: day 368
3 sessions. 52 minutes.

PMO study: day 378
Read in NVC, a language of life about empathically receiving the words of the other. The writer says that we often ask questions like: ‘Do I make myself clear?’ or ‘Do you understand?’ Instead of asking whether one understand, on which you get the answer ‘Yes, I understand’, you might want to ask ‘I would like you to know if you understood what I've said. Could you repeat what I've said so that I can get a feeling where I haven't been clear?’ This will change the conversation immensely.

Sleep: day 234
Slept a bit better. Pain in my neck and shoulders.

Healthy eating: day 234
No sugar day. Had a good soup, but the added cheese didn't make it better.

Cold showers: day 278
Two cold showers yesterday.

 

Day 379

Decided to make a list of all the things that happened in my childhood. I made a list of all the times that I was bullied and all the times I felt sad. I then tried to feel if there are still open wounds that have carried on today. In some cases I still became a bit emotional, because they haven't mended properly. I figure that it's better that I learn to see this myself than that the psychiatrist tears open wounds. Went into the city for a bite with my girl yesterday evening and we had a nice evening together.

Workout: day 272
Did my pushups, but not my workout. Tried to play it safely.

Walking: day 279
Took a 22+ min walk in the afternoon and a short min walk in the evening. Took a bike ride of 7+ min.

Screentime: day 279
2:43 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:09 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 59
Give openness to your partner and include her in what you do on a day. It might be confusing for her that you are gone for some time and then pop up again. When you did PMO, you probably did exactly that. She started to associate your absence with doing something you're not supposed to do. Take her along, even if you feel vulnerable.

Meditation: day 369
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 379
Read in NVC, a language of life about empathically receiving the words of the other. It is therefore important that we properly understand each other. If we think we did understand we can try to guess: ‘Are you feeling angry, because you'd actually hoped to spend more time with me than we have?’ If they confirm, go through with it. If they don't, try to guess again. If it is an incorrect guess again, you can decide to say how you observe, feel, need and request. It usually triggers the other to speak as well.

Sleep: day 235
Slept better! Pain in my shoulders and neck is still there but less than before.

Healthy eating: day 235
No sugar day. Had a massive lunch and enjoyed eating outdoors in the evening.

Cold showers: day 279
Took two cold showers yesterday.

 

I'll try to simplify what I think is a bit complicated.
There are 3 main things that I do in my life - work (9-10 hrs including commute), gym (2hrs) and meet friends (excuse to be outside of my house)
When I find myself doing nothing in between these things, I tend to relapse (I think this is the pattern that you were referring to).
Now what I've tried to do, is fill in those gaps with small tasks. Playing an instrument, doing an online academic course, clean the house, things like that. It has worked for me in the past (My top few streaks have been 6-7 months each), and I hope this will work now as well. Also, not looking at the phone one hour before bed and one hour after waking up, REALLY results in a better quality life (and I cant stress 'really' enough here).

Okay so this has been the positive side. Now the negatives.

I can go on decently long periods without porn without a problem. But when I relapse, I always find myself looking at some of the worst genres of porn known to mankind, and I absolutely do not like it (people who have been addicted for a longer time would relate ). This makes me very sad, but I cant seem to help it. Normal stuff just isn't enough.

On an unrelated note, another thing that makes me depressed is instagram. Not the models or anything, I dont have a problem with all that. What I struggle with is how everyone on instagram is having a great life and I'm not. Obviously ik that everyone just puts the good stuff up there, but still I fucking hate having to see it.
Also, thanks @JoeBimbo for your message!

 

I totally get this. I stopped using Instagram long time ago and I feel much happier. I only used it as a P-sub anyway. I think it only perpetuates feeling sh!t about yourself, because there is always someone that looks better than you.

 

Day 380

Worked on my childhood list and felt that it took me a lot of energy. I felt quite a lot of feelings that are still stuck to events that happened in my childhood and I decided to confront myself, with the help of my girl, to work through it.

Workout: day 273
Did my pushups, but not my workout.

Walking: day 280
Didn't take a walk in the afternoon, but Took a 22+ min walk in the evening. No bike ride.

Screentime: day 280
1:25 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:07 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 60
When you remember childhood hurts, consider telling them to your partner. It will probably feel very uncomfortable at first, but she will really appreciate it. It will also be very good for you and your girl, as your bond will strengthen.

Meditation: day 370
3 sessions. 40 minutes.

PMO study: day 380
Read in NVC, a language of life about having a compassionate conversation with someone. Every feeling can be your starting point, because you can open up the conversation from there. If someone says for example: ‘Did you see how that a**hole just cut me off?’ You can respond with: ‘I can imagine you feeling incredibly angry, because they are cutting you off. I guess you also feel scared, because your need for safety just got compromised.’ It might be a bit artificial at first, but you can start everywhere.

Sleep: day 236
There are good nights and there are bad nights. Woke up again with neck and shoulder pain.

Healthy eating: day 236
Sugar day and ate some tasty cookies. My girl cooked us some good food in the evening.

Cold showers: day 280
Took two cold showers yesterday.

 

I hear what you're saying, staying busy between the periods of major activity is my main go to as well, and when I do relapse I also go really hard and consume some really taboo and downright disturbing content at times... so I can relate and empathize but unfortunately may not have the solution other than to keep trying until you succeed (and I'm still in this process as well)

I almost wonder if having some form of group accountability a la Covenant Eyes but with several people as APs like maybe 20 - 30 along with a group text/messaging with all these same people would offer accountability directly in the moment so that the urges could be staved of for those short bursts when things are intense

 

Day 6!!!
Happy birthday to me!!!

 

Happiest Birthday mah man! I wish you a great year ahead of you! Thank for being around on here for the past few years, your presence has surely being encouraging.

 

Day 381

Had a nice day with my girl. We went on a small trip and went to a neighboring village to take a walk there in the big forest. Was good. Also bought a new pillow, so I have high hopes.

Workout: day 274
Didn't do my pushups, but did my workout.

Walking: day 281
Didn't take a walk in the forest with my girl and took a 22+ min walk in the evening. No bike ride.

Screentime: day 281
1:03 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:04 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 61
Your partner can get easily triggered by new information that she receives. Don't chastise her, but try to listen to her. It will be very difficult and you will definitely become angry. Learn from that and move on

Meditation: day 371
4 sessions. 64 minutes.

PMO study: day 381
Read in NVC, a language of life about having receiving empathically. My girl was triggered yesterday morning by something I wrote in my childhood hurt list and instead of becoming annoyed, irritated and very tired, I decided to emphasize with her and ask: ‘Are you feeling disappointed because I clutter you together with other, all the while that you are here for me all of the time?’ She felt received and could let her feelings go at that moment.

Sleep: day 237
Slept a bit better, but not very well yet. Man from the pillowshop said that it might take 2 weeks to get accustomed to a new pillow.

Healthy eating: day 237
No sugar day. Girl cooked some nice curry.

Cold showers: day 281
Took two warm showers yesterday, because I had quite severe neckpain

 

Interesting concept. I think it is important to learn to recognize these urges in the moment without falling victim to them and then to build a combination of discipline and willpower to withstand them. It may take a while to see them, but it will be worth it in the end.

 

Thanks a bunch man! Yeah gotta keep a reminder that I’m in this for the long haul! Hoping to get some more lengthier streaks this year!

 

Day 382

New pillow seems to be working a bit. Less neck pain than before. Had a good day yesterday with soms of my habits done. Only meditation was a bit less and I decided to take an off day for my workout.

Workout: day 275
Did my pushups before the shower and before I go to the toilet. Didn't do a workout. Today again.

Walking: day 282
Took a 22+ min walk in the afternoon and took a 22+ min walk in the evening. Also a 7 min bike ride. I'm promoting myself to do a 23+ min. walk from now on.

Screentime: day 282
3:36 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:15 hours on the Internet (translating words in Turkish and responding to people on NF)

Lying: day 62
Be light with your partner, on her behalf. She will probably be a bit down or angry and needs your lightness to overcome this in herself. You need to be the container of her feelings

Meditation: day 372
3 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 382
Read in NVC, a language of life about having when pain blocks our ability to empathize. The writer says that it is impossible to give to others what we don't have ourselves. If we are unwilling or unable to give empathy, it is usually a sign that we are too starved for empathy ourselves. If we openly acknowledge this, the other may come through with the empathy we need.

Sleep: day 238
Slept well! Slight neck ache, but I slept like a bear.

Healthy eating: day 238
No sugar day. Ate leftovers from 2.days ago

Cold showers: day 282
Took two lukewarm showers yesterday, because cold water seems to make the neck ache worse

 

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