Accountability for All

Day 357

Could do my things yesterday. Spoke to my girl yesterday about the follow up meeting Friday with the addiction facility and my girl lost her patience with me. In an earlier conversation yesterday, she explained that it would be good to call them to bring in a bit of nuance. When I typed a script l, my girl was disappointed that she didn't see the mentioned points back. I then said that I forgot those points due to time pressure (as the facility would be closing in 15 minutes). She then understood and we talked about it again. I will write a script and let them know today

Workout: day 249
Did my pushups yesterday.

Walking: day 256
Took one 20+ min walk yesterday and a shorter walk in the evening. Went to the supermarket by bike.

Screentime: day 256
3:18 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:15 hours on the Internet (responding on NF and looking for a recipe online)

Lying: day 37
It is important to check whether you understand the other. We live in the assumption that we all think the same things, but we really do not. We all see it uniquely different

Meditation: day 346
3 sessions. 55 minutes.

PMO study: day 356
Read in NVC; a language of life about feelings. I read the example of the writer that once had a student tell him that he found it disturbing that a fellow student was listening to music late at night. He obviously had strong feelings about it, but wasn't able to express it. To come to the true feeling is sometimes hard.

Sleep: day 211
Slept well, but went to bed late. Went to bed at 11 PM.

Healthy eating: day 211
Had no sugar day. Made my own shakshuka with roasted bell peppers, tomato sauce and some other things.

Cold showers: day 256
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

Day 2

Still at my cabin today. Visited my dads sister and my cousins since they werent too far away. My dad got angry that she invited us over and "ruined Easter" for him. My aunt was angry at him because he apparently tricked grandpa into giving him the farm instead of splitting 30 years ago. And she is basically angry at him for good reason but I dont really understand how I got dragged into their mess. Because I am going to inheritage that farm. Not sure if I want it anymore since I realized my father have been lying about everything and that my youngest cousin which is a dick to me and angry at me has building rights on the property which aunt havent claimed. I havent even inheritaged the farm yet! Its in 30+ years if I even want it. Dont drag me into my dads mess. God damn. I want to have a better relationship with my family and I think there is hope with all of them but we need to stop talking about money and inheritage every time we meet. I am not able to behave perfect neither but I am trying. I offended my youngest cousin today when I referred to my dad and my mothers cousins (dads girlfriend) as anti social, because he sees himself as anti social. Not liking people is something I can understand. He flipped me the finger though. I dont feel like I know him. He is 8 years younger than me and last time I really communicated with him, he was 16 or something. So all of this creates some stress. My stomach is upset and I have a light migraine. I also dont think my dads girlfriend (moms cousin) particularly like me and my sister. She doesnt talk a lot with us and I suspect she is acting boring on purpose for us to not like her. I have almost given up mending things with dad. He is a nut case. But there is hope for the rest of the family. And I wont quit him out completely. But I am happy I am leaving the cabin tomorrow. 2 days of drama on a level I had forgotten existed, thats enough for now.

 

That's quite a lot of drama. Seeing your background, I do understand a bit better where your PMO habit comes from. Most of us, when we become addicted, are young guys and feel some kind of solace in PMO. It makes us feel good when the rest of the world seems dim. It is a fake feeling though, as it will only make us feel worse.

I think I have a sort of similar situation where I got into PMO when I was very young and my parents had to take care of my autistic brother 24/7. It was drama every day, for my brother doesn't only have autism, but also ADHD and epilepsy.

My two cents:
If you think that the drama doesn't do you well, think about what place in your life you want to give it. I also think that there are some unresolved things that are underlying your PMO use that might need a professional so that you can get ahold of your life.

 

Day 358

Picked my girl up before rush hour and she spent the whole morning doing an online course for her job. Afterwards she continued her regular work. She was cursing the internet, as it was very unstable. I called the internet provider to see whether they could fix it, but they tried to sell me a wifi enhancer.

Workout: day 251
Did my pushups and workout yesterday.

Walking: day 258
Took one 20+ min walk yesterday and a shorter walk in the evening. Didn't take a bike ride.

Screentime: day 258
2:47 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:13 hours on the Internet (responding on NF and looking at success stories)

Lying: day 38
Take your partner along in what you do and be open to what she says in return. Be open to her words, even if they offend you. Working through it will give more space to you and to them.

Meditation: day 348
3 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 358
Read in NVC; a language of life about observations and evaluations. Many of our observations are actually evaluations where we have already filled in for ourselves what we think the other means. It is said to be evolutionarily advantageous to be able to evaluate a situation properly, as it would have saved our life thousands of years ago. If you would observe rustling in the jungle and would wait until the tiger would come out, you would be much too late. Instead, when you hear rustling you run like hell.

Sleep: day 213
Slept well, and went to bed a bit late. Went to bed at 10:30 PM

Healthy eating: day 213
Had a sugar day. Switched it with today. Had my favorite pastry and some chocolates.

Cold showers: day 258
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

Day 359

Picked up my girls in the late morning and we went to the addiction facility again for a follow-up meeting. They spoke about the findings of last week and they recommended a few types of treatments. One of the treatments they recommended was psycho-motoric therapy which is as much as working out with others to see how I keep my borders and go about my task. Not a fan of that one, but the rest of it looks good. Also went to my parents yesterday and had dinner with them.

Workout: day 252
Did my pushups yesterday.

Walking: day 259
Took a 21+ min walk in the evening.

Screentime: day 259
1:38 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:15 hours on the Internet (responding on NF and translating Turkish)

Lying: day 39
Know that you can't see everything to anyone. When you are a pr0n addict, your parents might try to convince you that it's normal. They might say that it is normal, or might say that there are worse problems around than this. Choose wisely who you want to include, but include someone as you need someone close who supports you.

Meditation: day 349
2 sessions. 35 minutes. Busy day, not really the time to meditate.

PMO study: day 359
Read in NVC; a language of life about observations and evaluations. The writer gave an example of a school principal who interrupted every meeting with personal anecdotes. Every teacher was actually very angry and thought that the principal had a big mouth, didn't respect the others’ time etc. The writer was able to tell the teachers that they had to learn to deal with their evaluations and had to come to observations. The difference is quite distinct.

Sleep: day 214
Slept well, and went to bed a bit late. Went to bed at 10:30 PM

Healthy eating: day 214
Had no sugar day. Went to McD with my girl and I had the last part of a McFlurry. My parents took us out for dinner in the evening. No dessert.

Cold showers: day 259
Took 1 cold shower yesterday.

 

Day 360

Picked up my girl early and we went for a daytrip to another country. It was closer than we expected, as it was just an hour drive. We had a great time there, ate and drank until our stomachs were full and went back home.

Workout: day 253
Did my pushups yesterday.

Walking: day 260
Walked through the city and took a small walk in the evening.

Screentime: day 260
0:38 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:10 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 40
Try to understand where reactions come from. Sometimes someone is just bummed out and needs you as their willing receptacle. Don't be irritated, but decide how you want to be in this. Do you want to listen then and there to your partner or are you full with other things that prevent you from really listening?

Meditation: day 350
5 sessions. 60 minutes. Meditated a lot in the evening.

PMO study: day 360
Read in NVC; a language of life and did my exercises. I wrote down specific situations and what the feelings were at that moment and I also wrote down what my feelings were if all was great.

Sleep: day 215
Slept well, and went to bed a bit late. Went to bed at 10:30 PM

Healthy eating: day 215
Had no sugar day. Had some good food in the foreign city and we had Turkish food before going home.

Cold showers: day 260
Took 1 cold shower and 1 warm shower yesterday.

 

Day 361

My girl and I went to the movies yesterday and saw Sleeping Dogs. Didn't think it would be very good, but we enjoyed it. Afterwards we went into the city and had a nice soda on a sunny terrace. We also ordered something to eat there, but it was too expensive for what we got. Later, I took my girl home and we were intimate (no O ofcourse) and I brought her home early.

Workout: day 254
Did my pushups yesterday.

Walking: day 261
Walked through the city and looked at the closed shops. I took a small walk in the evening.

Screentime: day 261
1:23 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:15 hours on the Internet (looking on NF)

Lying: day 41
See that your partner sometimes needs you to not say anything and just listen. She needs a place to vent and that willing receptacle of her frustration will be you. Don't just sit there and swallow it until you want no more, ask questions and let her do the talking.

Meditation: day 351
5 sessions. 60 minutes. Lots of meditation in the evening. See that my newly designed breathing meditation is very effective and that time flies by.

PMO study: day 361
Read in NVC; a language of life and did my exercises. I read about how I can take responsibility for my feelings. Whenever I perceive someone to be saying a ‘negative’ message, I have 4 options:
Blame myself
Blame others
Sensing my own feelings and needs
Sensing others’ feelings and needs
All four options are a path into becoming more aware of our feelings and needs

Sleep: day 216
Slept well, but still a bit tired. Went to bed on time at 10:15 PM

Healthy eating: day 216
No sugar day. We had popcorn in the movie theater and some nachos. I cooked myself a healthy dinner with chicken, spinach, carrot, white cabbage and rice.

Cold showers: day 261
Took 1 cold shower and a warm shower yesterday, as I was rinsing myself before becoming intimate with my girl. If I then take a cold shower, all the sexual tension will be gone.

 

Sounds like a nice evening "nice soda on a sunny terrace". You don't have to share ofc, but are you in an urban area somewhere in the northeast or somewhere in Europe? I just like Urban areas where you can people watch and take in the day to day life of the society so I was just curious as a city planning nerd

 

Thanks for asking. I live close to a city in the west/northwest of Europe. I live in a village but it is only a 10 minute drive over the high way to enter the city.

 

Day 362

Had a whole day where I could relax, clean and read books as it was the second day of Easter. My girl went on a daytrip with her brother. Although I had a lot of time, I didn't make my hour of meditation though. Talked to my girl in the evening and that was good! We spoke through some difficult feelings and it is now okay again.

Workout: day 255
Did my pushups and workout yesterday.

Walking: day 262
Did a 21+ min walk in the afternoon and a small walk in the evening. Did my 6 min bike ride

Screentime: day 262
3:09 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:17 hours on the Internet (looking on NF and translated turkish)

Lying: day 42
Your partner needs your best behavior. Try to be clear with her when you talk to her and make sure that you listen to her.

Meditation: day 352
3 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 362
Read in NVC; a language of life and read about the 3 stages of emotional slavery. It starts with recognizing that we are emotionally enslaved. We think that we are responsible for the feelings of others. This exhausts us, because it feels like we have to tiptoe around in order not to hurt anybody. The second stage is the obnoxious stage. This is the stage where we have recognized our own emotional needs and this can be confronting for ourselves and others. The last stage is the emotionally liberated stage where we have moved from the obnoxiousness in taking responsibility for our own feelings by saying what we need from others to get our needs met. I practiced this yesterday with my girl and it changed the whole conversation. I was able to be clear, but kind and say what my need was. She could listen to that and spoke out what she wanted. I could see progress in how we talked together.

Sleep: day 217
Slept well, but tired. Not used to daylight savings time yet.

Healthy eating: day 217
Sugar day. Ate ice cream and some candy. My intestines rewarded me with lots of gas.

Cold showers: day 262
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

Good on you for hitting your targets, sounds like you're in the groove
Do you have any advice on dealing with urges in the first 30 days? It's been pretty brutal especially around day 20, ***trigger warning start*** I start to get almost immaculate release (if you know what I mean, like it happens without me even touching myself... ) ***trigger warning end*** this addiction is brutal!!!

I apologize in advance if any of this is triggering, if it is, please let me know and I won't bring it up again

 

Day 363

Watched some job openings, but it only made me anxious yesterday. Had a long talk with my girl yesterday evening and we agreed that I will stop that for the moment. I feel behind the eight ball lately regarding the process, and I feel something is needed to become clearly attuned towards my progress again.

Workout: day 256
Did my pushups. No workout

Walking: day 263
Did a 21+ min walk in the afternoon and a 21+ min walk in the evening. Did my 6 min bike ride. I'm promoting myself to a 22+ min walk now and a 7 min bike ride from now on!

Screentime: day 263
3:22 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:10 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 43
Find the words to speak out what you mean to your partner and stay respectful. This can be very hard (at least for me it is), but perhaps there are some handles in NVC, a language of life that make it easier to become emotionally liberated in a conversation. You can speak more honestly about what you feel and why you feel that.

Meditation: day 353
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 363
Read in NVC; a language of life and read about how to make a request. NVC has 4 components to it: Observation, Feeling, Need and Request. In request you request a certain action to be done. After a tough conversation 2 days ago, I requested my girlfriend whether she could let me know whether we were still okay. After that honest request she said: ‘But of course we are honey.’ That was great to hear.

Sleep: day 218
Slept well, went to bed at 10:30 PM. Bit late

Healthy eating: day 218
No sugar day. Had scrambled egg for lunch and chicken with spinach, coleslaw and rice for dinner.

Cold showers: day 263
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. Yeah!

 

What helped me to prevent urges are a few things:

1. Stop feeding sexual fantasies
2. Use a good site blocker for anything triggering for a while (I don't only mean to block the P stuff, but also social media, news sites and all the other P-subs)
3. Have an accountability partner that you trust that you can speak to a few times a day. (I'm unfortunately not available to be adaily accountability partner) Make an appointment with him that you will send him a daily check up. Without fail. Also agree with him that you will ask him for urgent counseling if the urges arise.
4. Find activities that you enjoy that don't involve your computer. Go outside for a run, or do a workout, or read a book.

If urges and fantasies are already there, I suggest you do any of the following:

1. Picture your fantasy, but with incredibly bad smell, bad teeth or with lots of facial hair. P is made perfect and we have to destroy that perfect image.
2. Take a cold shower. Doesn't necessarily have to be your whole body, but target especially your nuts.
3. Go for a run, workout, whatever
4. Call your AP

Good luck mate!

 

This is really helpful information brother. I appreciate it. Its probably going to take me a little while to process and implement but I just wanted to thank you sharing. Fine if I let you know how its going? (not as an AP cause I know you're busy but just to reach out occasionally for some advice, in case I hit a roadblock)

 

Yeah man, sure. You can reach out to me when you need help. Either on the thread or in a DM. I'd love to hear how you're doing.

If you're not already doing that, it would also help to journal your day on here. I know that nobody really reads my posts, but I feel a sense of accountability when I post about my day.

 

Day 364

Picked up my girl before rush hour and she worked from my home the whole day. She found a notebook of my brainfarts of 4 years ago and it was filled with overtly sexual comments, my insecurities and all other things I wanted to get out of my head at that time. It was a practice at that time and it worked to get the sh!t out of my head and on paper. I did a solid job of getting it out of my head, because I forgot all about it. My girl insisted on reading it and she was furious as well as sad by seeing how I ‘really’ am. I didn't want her to read it, as it was 4 years ago and I didn't know what was in it. I was ashamed and cringed hard hearing what was in it. I wanted to throw it away, which I did in the end, but it could have been a lot sooner if it were for me. Have an appointment with the psychiatrist today.

Workout: day 257
Did my pushups. No workout

Walking: day 264
Did a 26+ min walk in the afternoon and a short walk in the evening.

Screentime: day 264
0:29 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:15 hours on the Internet (responded on NF)

Lying: day 44
Learn to speak calmly when you are angry. It is not as serious of a matter as you think, but you can't come to it unless you're calm. Most things can be talked over or discussed if you don't throw your anger at the other.

Meditation: day 354
3 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 364
Didn't read a word yesterday as I was consumed with speaking with my girl. What I remembered from the NVC book is to speak out your feelings and tie a need to it. ‘I feel angry, because I have the need to speak to you about this in a calm and sophisticated way.’ By doing this, the situation can be defused.

Sleep: day 219
Tired, went to bed around 10:15 PM

Healthy eating: day 219
No sugar day. Ate after bringing my girl home. It was around 9 PM, but I ate leftovers from the day before

Cold showers: day 264
Took 1 cold shower yesterday.

 

Thanks bruh!! I appreciate your support, and I will make it a point to journal daily and will continue to check in on your progress as well.

 

Day 365 - one full year of abstinence

On the 6th of April 2023, my girl confronted me with porn on my phone. She didn't know who I was anymore, as she discovered my double life. From then onwards, life has been a rollercoaster. I have been confronted millions of times, talked thousands of hours and set countless steps.

To make a quick summary, I have:

• Stopped watching P and being active on Social Media completely. I resigned all of my Social Media accounts and have a very reliable website blocker
• Fixed my sleep schedule
• Brought down my sugar intake drastically
• Totally eradicated alcohol from my life
• Eradicated Google from my life
• Eradicated Netflix, TV and Youtube from my life (this was a tough one)
• Eradicated Spotify from my life
• Started taking cold cold cold showers
• Actively stopped myself from finding jobs, as I wanted to focus on my process first.
• Picked up a workout I can do every day and have become physically buff. I have gained 15 kg of mainly muscle.
• Started walking longer distances during the day and am training my cardio
• Been meditating for almost a year. I frequently hit my hour of meditation that I set for myself
• Had ‘only’ 6 O’s from partnered sex, as opposed to O’ing almost every day from MO or from sex.
• Started therapy

I feel like a different man than a year ago. I feel a million times stronger, but also a million times more in touch with my feelings. I also feel closer than ever to my girl who supports me every step of the way.

Although I have made progress, I am always near the slippery slope. It takes one wrong step to slide all the way back down. I should not be complacent, as relapse is still frequently happening at this point. The rewire needs to take place

Workout: day 258
Did my pushups and a workout

Walking: day 265
Did a 22+ min walk in the afternoon and a short walk in the evening. Did my 7+ min bike ride.

Screentime: day 265
1:29 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:19 hours on the Internet (responded on NF)

Lying: day 45
There are so many respectful ways of speaking to your partner. You need to find them and practice them

Meditation: day 355
3 sessions. 35 minutes.

PMO study: day 365
Read NVC, a language of life and read about making requests. It speaks about making good and clear requests. However, these requests are always requests and shouldn't be used to force the other in a behavior. If we say: ‘I would like you to be home and spend time with me at least one night a week’ it shouldn't be a rule. The other should be free to say yes or no. If the NVC process works, the other can say in an NVC way why he would or wouldn't do it.

Sleep: day 220
Tired, went to bed around 11:30 PM

Healthy eating: day 220
No sugar day.

Cold showers: day 265
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.

 

Day 4

Been sleeping bad. Almost opted out from school today but surprised myself by going. Worked out after. Going to spend the weekend trying to catch up. I missed out on most of school this week.

 

Day 366

Picked my girl up before rush hour so my girl could work from home. We were intimate many times during the day and I was very sensitive. We also had some talks about me having to take action before it is too late. It is related to me having said that I feel behind the eight ball.

Workout: day 259
Did my pushups. Workout today

Walking: day 266
Did a 22+ min walk in the afternoon and a short walk in the evening. Did my 7+ min bike ride.

Screentime: day 266
1:03 hours on Whatsapp (calling with my girlfriend) and 0:22 hours on the Internet (responded on NF and my girl looked through my browser history)

Lying: day 46
It is easy to take stuff for granted, but you always need to stay on top of your A-game. You need to keep on pushing the boundaries instead of becoming complacent and thinking that you already do so much. Your NF journey is not an end station, but another opportunity to keep on pushing. Everyday you set another small step forwards.

Meditation: day 356
3 sessions. 35 minutes.

PMO study: day 366
Read NVC, a language of life. The author speaks about the whole sequence of Nonviolent Communication. It starts with Observing (O), stating how you feel (F), tying a need (N) to it and requesting ( R) something that will help you meet your need. It is not a linear process as you need to build it up in small steps. What works great for me at this moment is to express my feelings and say ‘, because…’ giving an objective reason why this feeling is happening. I then tie a need to it: ‘I feel sad (F) when you say you hate me, because I want you to like me. I need to know that we are still good between us (N). Are you willing to tell me what you appreciate about me ( R)?

Sleep: day 221
Tired. Went to bed around 11 PM

Healthy eating: day 221
Sugar day yesterday and I capitalized on it. Ate all kinds of sugary stuff. No need to eat anything sweet today.

Cold showers: day 266
Took 2 cold showers yesterday again! Colder and colder