Porn reboot + Digital detox

Day 74 days of freedom from compulsive internet and porn use.
Day 97 without porn

Days have gone by and I've been productive as usual. My quality of work has improved drastically. This is exactly what I needed to focus on my work/career. I would have not accomplished no where near the amount I have. I look back and I remember but I almost can't believe how things used to be. How much they held me back. Amazes me what I could have accomplished had I started earlier but it's okay I was still trying to figure things out.

Occasionally I get thoughts about dating apps more so than porn. But then it goes away. The withdrawals seem to be gone. I much happier during social interactions. I'm thinking of going to see a therapist because now that I think about it I think I was bullied in my teens but never really acknowledged it and it has affected me to this day.

My parents are very grateful for the work I've done on the house.

Otherwise things are going well~ !

 

Day 75
98 days without porn

Today was hard. I woke up from an acting out dream this morning and then really struggled with cravings the rest of the day and fantasy to go back on dating apps, back to sexting and going into hardcore denial that I can do it one more time in control and there won't be any consequences. In this fantasy I would sign up to a dating app, pay money and then gain validation and sexual attention from someone overseas. Have a long term relationship and send each other nudes back and forth.

It's insane because no matter how many times I've been sucked down that rabbit hole thinking I can control the addiction and going back instead of letting go and then it all turning to shit, my life gets wasted and everything around me crumbles (relationships, career, mental health, physical health) etc. I still want to back there sometimes just because the allure of the short term high is so much. That is the insanity of addiction. But I don't want to go back there and I know that as much as I feel like jumping back on the app or searching for porn on the internet I know deep down the life and consequences that await behind the veil of the allure.

And so I didn't but even just the fantasy feels like something I can get high off which is problematic. Getting high off the fantasy, thinking "...It won't hurt anyone... I'm not doing anything..." leads to a plotting and planning getting back to that addictive way of living. Eventually those fantasies are not enough, I'll start wanting to actualise them. I know also that after a triggering dream or accidentally coming across something provocative leads to big cravings the next day and sometimes the day after. So I know this will pass.

I have the option of masturbating without pornography as well but I'm trying to save that for another time in the off chance I accidentally reward this behaviour. Lastly...
When I am in these fantasies all other roads seem to fade away. It feels like I'm only left with the excitement/tunnel of the addiction.. But that is far from the truth and the longer I stay in it the more overgrown the other roads get. I start to forget they're there and exist.

But there is a road that leads to far more excitement and fulfilment of meaning, healthy pleasure, real deep connection, productivity and bigger pleasures in general that I could never achieve in my addictive self. One where I achieve my dreams. That is something worth striving for.

 

78 days of my tech detox from social media, YouTube, video streaming, compulsive internet use etc.
101 days without pornography

For such a long time I doubted if it was really possible for me to go longer than a day without using the internet compulsively, let alone jump off my socials or put down YouTube for even half a day. But I have.

By working one day at a time. There have been struggles for sure. Even the last 3 days have been a struggle. But the benefits have shown themselves.

Speaking of struggles.. these last 3 days have been kinda rough. I've been struggling with cravings. It would seem as though that wet dream + the intense cravings over the next two days haven't completely worn off. There is still this nagging temptation. It reminds me of the first few month cravings that would last 4 days. I've basically kept myself busy. I also noticed that there was a dip in my motivation + energy levels. I still tried to push myself to use my time productively even if I wasn't moving mountains like before I was fine moving small rocks. My friend who I've been dating over the last 8 months helped keep me preoccupied. I'm thankful for that.

I missed coming on here and posting but I kept getting caught up with things. Which is probably a good thing ;P. The main thing that has been tempting me; is to go back on the dating apps. Sometimes the craving is to view an image of porn. But the predominant one is the apps. Picturing myself getting sexual validation. Sexting. Anonymity. etc. These fantasies never follow with the consequences or take into account what I'm sacrificing or giving up. Or the regret, the mindset it puts me in, the loss of appreciation for life and hard work. The time + money wasted. Or how much harder it is going to be to get back to where I am. Even the devastation of such a setback. It's so not worth it. Also doesn't take into account the positives of where I'm going if I keep going.


Excited to officially get to 90 days free of compulsive tech use. Less than two weeks to go Then I will officially have completed my first ever (in 11-27 years of living) --> complete 12 week withdrawal period.

 

81 days of complete sobriety 104 days away from porn

My workplace are starting to recognise my dedication to this field and the work I'm putting in and it's starting to get easier and easier the more and more I work hard at this job although it is a very complicated job. It's exactly what I need for my development as a human being and as a professional.

After the last post I didn't really experience much craving. Having an outlet like masturbation when times are extremely tough helped to get through that situation where I think otherwise I would have acted out with more problematic behaviours and gone down a tail spin back to where things were.

I feel like I can be much more focused and focus my attention much better than what I used to be and my brain power is being put to the test constantly which is great. I do feel like I'm getting a bit more attention from women and respect from men. There's a lot though I need to do. One thing that I'm implementing next week is Jiu Jitsu + gym. I've done my searching for different gyms etc and I know which one I'm going to.

One realisation I had is a mental habit of mine when I go into my shame is defining my worth or whether something is wrong with me by how other people perceive me and whether or not they like me. The caveat is often what I think they think in those moments is what I'm projecting from a place of shame. But it's just interesting to note because this is something I've done since a little kid. I think it was my way to try to figure out what was going on with me because I struggled to fit in when I was young and had no guidance. But now I don't struggle to fit in but I still have those thoughts come up (if I'm not getting attention in a group setting) that can really get in the way of my proper thinking/discerning/social awareness when they're triggered. It can lead to some pretty damaging thoughts about myself.

Occasionally I get thoughts that going on a dating app would be much easier but I know that to get the results in life that I want I need to keep on this road I'm on.

 

83 days of sobriety from my internet addiction and 106 days since looking at porn/dating apps.

I had a really good day yesterday and one of the realisation that I had was that after putting down porngraphy, dating apps, compulsive internet use etc something that I began to pick up very subtly - but was always there and didnt take notice off was...

Overspending/spending. The dopamine hit of leaving the house to go and look for something to buy just because I want the feeling of instant gratification from buying something and the motivating feeling of the search. It leads me to spending tonnes of money on Uber Eats, deviating away from my diet, buying things I don't need or impulsively spending. It's sort of become a routine thing that I do even on days where I feel I don't want to get anything done. It acts like a little pick me up which I didn't realise until now.

It's really interesting what more you uncover when on this journey. Today I made a change - I had breakfast from home and it was good!! Healthy and now instead of impulsively buying from a takeaway restaurant I will stop. Pause and research what I'm going to make for a meal prep. I have also got to be careful with other things like sugar as well.

But otherwise things are going well. My life is so much better since I've quit my internet/porn addiction. I feel like I can actually breathe and I'm living my life. I feel so much more in control and I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. Sometimes I feel regret for all the time I've wasted but I can't do anything about that. I can only do what I can moving forward.

 

Day 85 of my internet detox and 108 days without pornography/ dating apps

The elation I felt achieving my 12 week milestone was high to describe. It’s interesting. I’m starting to see my mental patterns much more recently. As well as I feel like I’m the process of developing my lifestyle.
Sitting down and having a tea is now really enjoyable the process of boiling the kettle, having everything organised and finished. Sitting down. Drinking tea, having a biscuit. It’s very rewarding and relaxing.

I can see my self really developing my life, my career. The options are starting to open up and I feel a sense of peace that it is pretty present.

Ive been trying to take a step back and reconsider my spending. Instead of buying impulsively forcing myself to cook from home etc. asking myself what I really need. Declutterring. The next step is to sign up to a gym and jiu jitsu. Which has been delayed because I got sick. But I think that will add to my energy levels and decrease my anxiety, improve my health and more.

 

Day 88 of my internet/social media detox and 111 days without porn/dating apps.

I can say that although my social anxiety has decreased substantially a few things remain present:
An intense inner critic that tells me I'm inherently worthless, defective, low value, not good enough, not interesting and some trauma from being gas lit, abused as a child by a remorseless, narcissistic, emotionally absent step father. That being said I'm not a victim. I can choose what behaviours I do and do not allow, I'm not a kid anymore and I'm able to choose different options but it does come up sometimes, play on my mind and make things a bit of a struggle.

This is really most of the obstacles I come across internally on a day to day basis and they're much more visible since I'm not using something to distract myself from them. So it makes sense but I'm glad I'm seeing it more clearly and seeing it as it arises. It's not completely soul crushing for a variety of factors. I do need to see a psychologist or a counsellor at some stage to talk through some of these schemas though I think it would be really good to check in.

I have been experiencing fantasies to look up pornography e.g when I need to masturbate and i think for a moment I would like something to aid + enhance the experience. Also fantasies (and this takes up most of them) to go on dating apps, purely mostly for the validation and to get nudes etc. Sometimes when this gets really intense masturbating without porn and ideally without fantasy but I have been using fantasy to assist with masturbating and maybe that's something I need to start peeling back on not to accidentally reinforce old neural pathways. Definitely my ability to recall past things I've looked at is getting harder and harder whether in a porn sense or even a social media sense. But one thing that is interesting is the feeling that I got whilst on the app (the high) is still quite potent in my body and remind when I try to remember. Which kinda makes sense because it taps into more aspect of myself.

One thing to remember is when I was on the apps the highly quickly faded, it became obsessive and left me feeling more empty than it did leave me feeling fulfilled most of the time. In terms of my career things are progressing well and I'm feeling more confident in my job slowly the more effort and time I put into it. I did my first session of jiu jitsu yesterday and I'm keen to get back into it more often. The exercise was extremely beneficial for my mental.

 

90 Days !!!
90 days without compulsively using internet, my phone, gaming, social media, dating apps, YouTube etc.

My god. This is definitely the longes I've gone without those things and it feels great ! I've already explained why it does but I'm so grateful for the changes and progress that I've made.

113 days without pornography or dating apps or social media.

Just because I've developed this time up definitely doesn't mean I'm in the clear but there's some things I want to tighten up especially around watching movies at night. Lately I've been watching series and completely forgetting the time and it's been effecting my sleep schedule big time. I think it's a good idea to put some boundaries:

• One movie a day
• If I watch a series: No more screens after 12am.

And add a few things such as:

• 20 minute meditation
• Signing up to a gym
• Doing Jiu jitsu
• Setting a wake time.

The itch today to find something to distract myself through tech or message women online was pretty strong. I have this thought that it's okay to message and I'll be able to control it. Even though I've said that countless other times and it wasn't true. I didn't go back to old ways but I noticed myself checking, rechecking my phone, flicking between random apps in search for novelty or a message. Even messaging someone in a meeting who I thought was hot. I definitely have a craving also to have sex with new women too. The thing I am doing however is noticing this. I know this passes and is part of the process of recovery - overcoming these delusional thoughts, rationalisations and denial for a better life.

 

Hell yeah my man. I know exactly what you mean. Good on for you getting off it. It's extremely hard but it takes way more than it gives. Keep it up my dude! We got this.

 

haha there you go I made it a bit simpler

 

Day 93 sobriety from Internet addiction
116 days without pornography or dating apps

The last 3-4 days I've been experiencing a nagging feeling to try to find something online to stimulate, distract this deep feeling of boredom or lack of stimulation. It goes away when I'm with someone but I noticed myself checking and rechecking my phone for notifications in my email which I rarely get. This was all muscle memory but just goes to show how unconscious this pattern is.

I still made it through. I think though I'm ready to go bit deeper into my sobriety and take away my television access in my room to help with my routine a bit. I can still access the one downstairs but when I'm in my room I'd prefer to do something a bit less stimulating like reading a book, drinking tea or meditating.

I shall report back soon to see how this affects my sleep cycle. I've joined a new gym and signed up to jiu jitsu which has been really exciting and positive for my health (physical and mental). I'm excited to see how sobriety and physical exercise will benefit my body + mental health as they've both been shown to help a lot.

My house is in good order. There's just some work I've been avoiding and dropped the ball on that I've got to deal with next week. Dating app cravings have been there but I also notice that compulsion very slowly and slightly drifting away. Objectification has reduced substantially.

 

96 days
119 days without porn or dating apps

I think probably every day for the past week or more I've been thinking about porn at some point in the day sometimes for an hour. I'm not exactly sure why on the outside things seem pretty good but on the inside is an insatiable urge to have sex, find new sexual partners and escape into a virtual sexual world.

It's been an uphill climb until today. Each day from day 90 onwards to 95 was a mental battle. Motivation and willpower - gone. I exercised very intensely Monday night and got the worst reflux for over a day. It's tough because a went for weeks without struggling with motivation and then all of a sudden it seems almost impossible to conceive of doing the laundry or the dishes. It times like these I have to accept where I'm at look at is if I'm day one. Embrace the struggle and that I just have to get through the day. One day at a time. Again...

 

Over 3 months from my internet addiction
4months without porn and dating apps officially today.

My mentality is a lot more stable. I can notice this as I don't take things as personally, I'm able to move past things better. Also the people around me I can see them struggling every now and then in big ways mentally and having more stability I can see their patterns more clearly and it's made it more clear to me how much more consistent I've been. There's less shame in my personality. I get a lot of good feedback from my career and my interactions. Even in Jiu Jitsu I don't really think twice about whether my ego gets hurt from losing.

I do feel this strong pull however to just find ways to escape the feeling of boredom, lack of motivation or a feeling of montonany when I'm alone at home. It's much easier to laze back and retreat into some form of virtual world. I know that it gets easier over time so I'm just holding out for those days.

It is going to take me some time to unlearn the habit of using virtual forms of instant gratification to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

 

104 days of my internet addiction sobriety
127 days without pornography or dating apps.

Things are going well. My anxiety in social situations has decreased even more. Went to a social event and found it really easy to socialise. It was only afterwards did I remember I used to down a shame spiral in social events for example at clubs. So that speaks volumes. My productivity hasn't been the best, I'd say that sometimes procrastination get get the best of me at times but my enjoyment for things is improving.

I find it extremely hard to let go of the idea of having sex more and more women. That my main goal is to have sex with the hottest chick. The woman I'm dating is attractive but definitely not my ideal type physically but emotionally she is and as superficial as that sounds I've been dating her for 8 months exclusively and pulled away so many times because I don't want to give up on the pursuit of a relationship with a much hotter woman and be with who I' dating for the rest of my life. It irks me that I can't continue to sleep with other women. But that is the very materialistic side of me also. Not being happy unless I have the best. Thinking I'm going to miss out on some aspect of consciousness or reward if I don't achieve a materialistic dream.

Porn has a large part to play with this but also other influences such as social media and more. One thing I know is that when the external world is my main focus my spirituality gets pushed to behind the list of priorities and I'm not "god centred". That is something I've lost and forgotten for a long time. What it means to have spirituality as my main focus and why.

 

I've used a dumb phone before for many years. It's not feasible with my line of work but at the moment my screen time is half an hour - 1hr max anyways and that's just for essential calls/texts so I don't think it's really necessary anymore.