Porn reboot + Digital detox

DAY 36 of cutting out compulsive internet tech use
DAY 59 of cutting out pornography or any provocative material and dating apps

It would seem that the grind continues, this time it's gone for a bit longer. I have been meditating every day for 10-20 minutes a day and that has become gradually slightly easier each time. I hear from some that the profound benefits of meditation take years to come about so I'm starting to accept more there are facts of reality that I am going to need to accept:

• Life is full of struggle, challenges and requires daily hard work (physical + emotional labour )
• Don't pray for an easy life pray for the strength to endure a hard one.
• Life is mostly about long term gratification, more than it is short term.
• I have to accept that it's going to a struggle for years before I can overcome the full extent of withdrawals, see big structural brain changes from meditation, achieve the body I want etc.
• It's also going to take a lot of hard work to achieve the independence that I want and focus only my career.

I think there's mindsets that I unconsciously harboured due to 13 years of internet/gaming addiction and it's going to take a long time to come out of that completely. Instead of viewing this journey as a I'm trying to get to x,y,z amount of days I have to accept that this is my reality now and it's probably be going to be a bit harder for the first few years but that's what I have to go through regardless to live the life I want to live.

 

DAY 60 of cutting out pornography or any provocative material and dating apps!
DAY 37 of cutting out compulsive internet use

Today is a big day. It's the first 60 day milestone I've reached in many months - possibly a year/s. It's been a while haha so I'm pretty stoked about that and 37 days without compulsive internet use is one of the highest I've gone. I think if I get to 90 I'm looking at the highest I've gone truly sober from addictive behaviour.

Last night I went to bed early and today I woke up at 9:30am - big deal for me. I'm used to waking up at 11:30am +. Got up, didn't touch my phone for an hour, allowed my eyes to adjust to the early morning sun, went outside too to get some sun. Then had breakfast, grabbed a coffee, donated some items, cleaned my car, did the dishes, bought some shorts + protein shaker, bought some bubble wrap from Bunnings (hardware store), fed the birds, went to the gym, went to the sauna. Joined a 12 step meeting for porn addiction, ate a healthy dinner. And that was. that.

I watched half an episode of Peaky blinders before returning back to cleaning up a bit in preparation for a cleaning professional tomorrow morning. Meditated 20 minutes, had a shower and went to bed.

My total screen time for today is 1hr 30 minutes (I had to spend time uploading an advertisement online for donating a household item + clearing up old junk/life admin + messaging).

 

Day 38

Bit of a lack of energy today - a bit from exhausted from yesterday. Went to bed yesterday after meditating. Did something I haven't done in a while maybe not ever since using tech. I moved my phone to another room to charge, had some tea and read a book in low warm light. I read until I was tired. And it worked. But I still struggled to completely fall asleep, even though I was tired. I was in and out of sleep throughout the night. I'm not sure it was to do with the temperature, its a possibility or my circadian rhythms are still adjusting. Probably both. Once I opened up the windows and fell asleep I was fine. But one thing did happen which was unexpected and I think I'm going to have to introduce this as a new behaviour NOT to do for many reasons is voyeurism. There's a trans woman that lives in a building opposite mine and sometimes leaves her curtain open. (Trans content was the main content I would watch/fetish I developed from porn). One time I was closing my blinds and saw her walking to close her curtain and saw nudity but looked away that I did not see/make out anything. I didn't see any private parts. But it did fester on my mind. What if I did. This fantasy gave me a thrill. I didn't think about it until last night when I woke up I noticed the light was on in the person's room and the curtain was open. there was a perfect slit in my blinds for me to look. I spent 10 minutes waiting, trying to get a peak. It felt like how I would feel in any addictive behaviour. I felt compelled and trapped in the behaviour, tunnel vision, stuck on the dopamine train. We've all been there I know you know what I mean. Because this has never happened to me before it totally caught me off guard that I was hooked on voyeurism. After 10 minutes I realised "holy shit" I basically have a new behaviour I have to consider as part of my porn/sex addiction, because I could see this progressing into an obsession.

I went to bed and was very mindful not to engage in that again. It was definitely triggering. I didn't masturbate either, sort of a mentality I had was I didn't want to reinforce that behaviour with a reward. But it's something I'll definitely add to my list and be mindful of. The next day (today) I have been very aware that I still have a lot of lustful thoughts towards almost everyone I see on the street. I haven't realised until recently how my mind has been affected again from the years of porn use after my 2 year streak. Another thing is I have pretty narcissistic traits that cause me a lot of internal conflict, distorted thinking that I'm waking up to.

1. Sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
3. Entitled
4. Wanting be around people who are important or special
5. Wants be admired
6. Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

This are actually pretty dominant parts of my personality. Although I'm a highly empathetic man and kind. I also struggle with this and I can go into why on another post. But I feel like I want to pull away from this. I don't like these attributes and it doesn't feel authentic to me. I think they're also underlying the addictions, developed from a few parenting mistakes and ways to cope with trauma. I'm going to try my best to pull back from these character defects and adopt humility. Recognising and being aware of this is the first step and a massive improvement - I can feel it.

A woman reached out to me who I used to be friends with and date a long time ago. We spoke for 7hrs. 10am-5am. I fell asleep and woke up at 4:30pm. Latest I've ever woken up in my life. I am definitely going to be more aware of messaging as a new bottom line.

 

Day 39
I held my boundaries around texting after getting caught in that last night. Stayed busy for the remainder of the day and fell asleep. Nothing much to report except I do notice that I'm a bit more sensitised to different activities - I am enjoying them more or noticing the enjoyment more. I was pretty present today as well. Stuck to a mostly whole food diet as well.

 

Day 41:
Day 64 without Porn/social media

It's been very difficult the last 2-3 days. I had to get through these odd tension headaches, groggyness, brain fog and tiredness possibly from some medication that I took for allergies. The desire to use pornography or something to get through was high. I got through during the worst of the grogginess by watching a few episodes from a series but for the most part I just slept through most of it.

I have tried to keep up with my meditation practice. 20 minutes a day. It's not easy to stay sober. I have these moments where I feel extremely lonely, ashamed, bored. Soon I will join a gym at this new place I am in and a jiu jitsu gym. I think then I will have less free time, be exercising more and socialising. Today I got up, grabbed a coffee, worked, cleaned my unit in preparation for open house inspections.

I have moments where I really cannot be fucked to do anything but then they eventually subside and so long as I don't try to deal with these times via binging on social media, streaming, porn etc my motivation eventually comes back.

 

Day 45 internet detox
Day 68 without porn/social media.

Woke up, showered, grabbed a coffee, worked for 3 hours, drove one hour to help a removalist, drove an hour back. Here I am.
Nothing really major to report. I still sometimes catch myself typing YouTube like muscle memory when I open my phone. I have been finding myself bored a lot, wanting some easy instant gratification e.g through searching news or sports but I try to put a halt on it fairly quickly. But this type of behaviour is extremely slippery.

I don't really think of porn anymore lately now that I think of it. I can't remember the last time I thought of it.. maybe the thought crossed my mind accessing dating app. The thing I tend to fantasise and get cravings for the most is to waste time on the internet.

I try to meditate everyday 20 minutes and soon I'll be getting back into exercising, saunas, supplements and dieting well. Things are moving along each day bit by bit. Things take time. I want to clear out a whole bunch of things inside this new place, clear out the backyard, clean the garage and turn the backyard it into a really chill area.

I find some things I have to learn for work super interesting. Once I get cracked in it's easy. Anyways onwards and upwards. Hopefully next post I will be a bit further ahead with the move, be cracking into my lifestyle habits/routines.

 

Day 47 of my sobriety journey
Day 70 without porn or social media


The countdown to when my withdrawals should end is ticking. They typically say withdrawals last for anywhere between 6-12 weeks. So days 42 - 84. However I was using YouTube compulsively (like 10 hrs a day) until I started my sobriety journey pulling back from all of my addictions which has been hard and still is a daily struggle. Today I have been managed to be very productive, dealt with a rabbit, cleaned the backyard, threw out trash, took another step in moving my things, refueled, listened to podcasts in the way home, did some life admin, grabbed a coffee, cleaned the house quite a bit (throwing out tonnes of stuff in the garage) and that was mostly that.

In terms of my motivation and energy once I got stuck into things I definitely felt more focused and wanted to keep going + do more. There's still so much to do. This is the first time I've had to myself. I'm not really sure what to report besides I get really strong cravings still throughout the whole day to jump on the internet and distract myself with surfing the web. I get the urge as soon as I wake up and throughout the whole day. It pretty much sits in the background all the time.

 

Day 50 of my sobriety journey.
Day 73 without pornography and social media

Farout I have been busy. These last 3 days have been 14 hr days, working, socialising, spending time with my mum and landscaping/fixing things around the house. I completely cleaned the backyard (looks completely different) and there is still more to go. I think I spend 1hr and 30mins on my phone each day and that time is just messaging, searching up something I need, something work related and occasionally I might watch 5 minutes of news but I try not to.

It's good to come home and feel exhausted from working hard. There is so much left to do but it is looking manageable and achievable with hard work. I feel motivated. I definitely feel lonely at times and have some strong self criticism, negative thoughts etc. I think once I start sitting down for an hour meditating. That's going to have a profound influence on things. I'm looking forward to ticking off 90 days for porn, social media, and compulsive internet use. This is the longest time I've ever had off all of them all together since I was 14.

 

Day 52 of my sobriety journey.
Day 75 without porn.

I had a really nice experience with a friend that I've been dating for months. We were sitting by a fire, roasting marshmallows and damper, basking in the presence and warmth of a crackling fire. She said "I really like how we do fun things without screens. " That to some other people might be just a generic compliment but to my that was really meaningful coming from the past 13 years where I've been spending most of my time behind a screen watching someone else live their life or have sex.

These past few days I've been cleaning, moving, finalising the move of my 1 bedroom unit and moving into my new place. I cleaned all the tiles in my backyard, removed all the moss of the bricks and it is looking really nice now. my goals are to weed, clean the gutters, clean the garage more and put junk out the front for the council to collect. I probably spend 1 hr on my phone a day and that time is to mostly message people, listen to a podcast during a drive and occasionally I'll research something important.

I know I'm still early days but I've also started to notice that my enjoyment for conversations and everyday activities has increased. So has my focus. My sleep has gotten better and recently over the last few days especially I've started to notice that I am thinking a lot less about going on the net. Very rarely I will have intense urges to look at porn but they can happen. I get randomly intense urges to buy a game, a console. Sometimes I'll think about whether or not I want to use a dating app. But the reality is I've tried and tested for over a decade in denial of the fact of: I can't control those things and they make my life worse. So it's better left not used.

I'm interested to see what I feel like on day 60 or 90 of my sobriety journey. I'm curious if this is going to be my baseline dopamine level or if things with get even better. It's not rocket science to speculate that after 13 years of binging on dopamine treadmills that it will take a bit longer than 52 days to get all your benefits. But I'm feeling pretty good as it is right now - so anything the same or better is a win. We shall see

 

Day 53 on my sobriety journey
Day 76 without porn

They say days 42-84 are the expected end of withdrawals. Withdrawals typically last 6-12 weeks. And I'm definitely noticing a consistent effect and change in the last two weeks. My mood and motivation levels seem to be stabilising, my memory has gotten so much better and my ability to focus and productivity is infinitely better than what it was when I was constantly on the internet. It's completely night and day.

I am looking forward to being at the tail end of the 12 weeks just so I can finally say I've done that but also it would be interesting for me to see myself outside of the withdrawal window for the first time in 13 years.

 

Day 55 of total sobriety
Day 78 without porn / socials

Another day. Another productive day. My social skill have improved and I think that's largely due to many things but my decreased anxiety and ability to focus and think more clearly definitely has an impact. I didn't really think of anything tech related besides I think once when I was thinking of games. My work has improved dramatically. My productivity at home is night and day also. In the past when I was living for my addictions I would just push everything to the side, sweep it under the rug. Now I get things done right then and there. I can feel myself becoming the man I need to. Internet, social media and porn was distracted me from becoming the man and reaching my potential I knew I'd become.

 

Day 58 of total sobriety
Day 81 without porn/socials

The craving to go on dating apps was present. The thought of going on certain apps, the easiness I would have in finding someone and sexual gratification I would get etc. I think what triggered it was walking around public and seeing really hot chicks that are more attractive than the woman I have been seeing. A big part of me still wants to explore and go into a relationship with a specific look of woman.

Still been off social media, YouTube and other tech besides messaging and the occasional google. It's improved my productivity, focus to a whole new level. I keep saying this but I definitely want to start meditating for a long time each day. One hour a day I think will have a big impact if I do it on a daily basis.

 

Day 60 of total sobriety
Day 83 without porn or socials

The last two days have been some of the hardest in at least a month or so. Strong cravings and temptation to search for porn, dating apps (to solicit nudes + dates) etc. I masturbated each day and that really helped to relive the sexual tension I was experiencing. What triggered me was someone showing me a picture of their friend "softcore" image of them in a bikini top and also scanning/checking out women in an upper class area.

I was experiencing craving and fantasy for hours today and yesterday and I masturbated to the fantasy today, which is definitely not the most conducive to my recovery but I'm not going to be too hard on myself or perfectionistic. Next time I will just have to be more prepared and if I masturbate I will think of my own healthy experiences. I also felt a big dip today in my energy levels, extremely tired, which could be psychosomatic, could be real and could be triggering the cravings. I remembered what life used to feel like and look like, living for instant gratification and I definitely don't want go back again.

It's crazy how the mind can play tricks on us and make us forget the consequences, go so deeply into denial and focus tunnel vision on the immediate gratification - at the expense of months of work. For 5 minutes? 1 hr?

Still I'm happy to say I'm on day 60 even though there is no guarantees. And I need to keep working each day to keep seeing improvements.

 

Made it through but Thankyou my friend ! Almost 90 days now

 

Day 65 of my complete internet sobriety journey
Day 88 without pornography.

Lately I have been feeling so much more calmer and regulated. My anxiety in social situations has decreased, my confidence increase and I've become more empathetic/ in tune with my emotions when I'm speaking. I've also been more humble and accepting of others. Not needing to react as much.

Sometimes I go through dips or can get triggered by something but it's now pretty contained, doesn't last as long and I'm able to eventually regulate myself through it myself. My focus on life has improved drastically. I don't think I've ever really thought of going on the internet pretty much all day. Yesterday I went to a concert and didn't even feel the need to record anything. Truly remarkable stuff considering how obsessed I was.

I had a few cigarettes today at a social outing which isn't a big ideal but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm also weary not to let that become a habit again or influence me to become lenient on other behaviours even though it could be a possibility that I become more tempted soon. I'm aware of that. My conversations with women also have gotten a lot better. Two more days until 90 days without porn. I should also be done with landscaping my entire house. I also just saw that this thread has received over 2000 views wtf?? xD So crazy. Grateful if anyone can find something they relate to, gain inspiration or gain value from these threads.

 

Day 66 / Day 89

Big day. Woke up at 9am and got to work on the house. Reorganising boxes of old junk. Donating to those in need. Taking care of the pets. Cleaning and gardening. I am so tanked I think I am going to need to take some time off working on the house and let my feet rest.

Was nonstop since 10 am. Worked 14 hrs on the house. I can just be so productive now it's insane. I am really starting to understand the meaning of hard work and persistence. The next steps after doing a few things on the house this week are to focus back on my hobbies; gym, jiu jitsu, healthy eating, sauna ( if possible ).

I still want to start doing more intensive hardcore 1hr meditations. See if I can go for 90 days of that. Or even a year. https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/10/a-journey-in-meditation-sitting-an-hour-a-day-for-a-year/

Screen time once again was under an hour.

Time to head off to sleep and wake up into day 90. Peace and love baby.

 

Day 68 / Day 91

91 days Babbayyyyy! It's crazy because over 4 months ago I was having doubts if I would ever be able to break out of the two week cycle that I was in and now I've gone for longer than I've ever done before with complete sobriety. It's not been easy but I think, although it was more difficult at first, not being on the internet as well as pornography and social media for most of the 90 days has helped because there is less chances for me to get triggered.

Not to mention it's obviously allowed me go through the withdrawal period which seems to be stabilising I'd say. My interest in ordinary things has increased exponentially. I enjoy doing worldly things and things for myself and appreciate it on a new level. E.g going to bed tired from a busy day. Is not something I've experienced in years. I also noticed that after so many years my posture took a big hit. I developed some muscle tissue on the top of my spine to support my head from leaning forward so much. Creating a bit of a hunch. This will atrophy as all muscles do but it takes time for it to go away.

They typically say within the psychology community that withdrawals usually range between 6-12 weeks. In other words - days 42 - 84. If I'm counting my days from complete sobriety which I am - then I have just a few weeks left. Something that excites me.
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Undoubtedly some things I noticed:

• Increased focus
• Sensitisation/increased enjoyment of life
• Increased energy/productivity.
• Increased motivation + interest to do real life things.
• More regulated.
• No shame and despair and that feeling of lack of control from acting out of my addictions.
• Decreased anxiety
• Increased ability to regulate myself.
• Improved sleep.

Now there are some underlying issues that come up or have revealed themselves now that I've pulled away.

1. Caring what other people think of me.
2. People pleasing
3. Shame

Although these things reduced they haven't gone away completely and it is something I need to work on. Things I need to work on:

• Getting back in touch with my spirituality
• Increasing my work hours
• Becoming more independent
• Seek help and support around internal issues + read some books on the topics of shame/people pleasing.

..............................................................
Furthermore just even having the interest to pursue spiritual events again is amazing because I haven't felt that in 4 years. Excited to get to 12 weeks in a few weeks

 

Day 69

Big day of working on the house. Got rid of a whole bunch of things, donated a lot and gee this place looks amazing.. it's so close to being completely done. Just one more big obstacle in the way and then onwards.

Didn't even think of using my phone the whole day, it's starting to become normal not using my phone throughout the day and its nice to wait in line sometimes without the urge to pull out my phone. It's kinda feels like a superpower that I don't need something to distract me just to wait 5 minutes.

One thing I forgot to mention is my sexual energy and performance has improved a lot since taking time away from addictive tech.

 

Day 70

20 more days until I reach 90 days without addictive/compulsive tech use and it would be 113 days without pornography. This is going to be a big milestone for me personally considering I've bounced around between screens for pretty much all my life wasting so much time behind a screen, watching someone else live their life whilst I neglected my own completely. I am thinking that with my experience I could even write a book, because I have a unique story.

I have noticed today that something I had for a very long time is something called a neck hump. Basically when you spend so long behind a screen that you begin to develop an excess amount of muscle at the top of your neck to overcompensate for the lforward head posture/ lack of usage in the neck muscles. That is looking like it's decreased. Which was expected, all muscles will atrophy over time but I was surprised to see my spine looking healthy. My perspective towards women is slowly starting to change. Being less invested in the external appearance and more invested in the inner worlds.

I haven't looked at my screen time but I imagine it's pretty low. Maybe less than an hour. Globally, people average 6 hours and 58 minutes of screen time per day.