I need some help, some advice. My issue below has resulted in an uptick in my PMO and I’m sure it’s due to creeping depression and anxiety. I have been in a relationship for about 4 years now with what feels like my sole partner after separating a marriage that lasted 12 years. A week ago, while the two of us were having drinks with a buddy of mine and a common joke about penis size came up, my gf decided to chime in on my behalf that mine was perfect and not small but big, but not too big. She commented that she had experienced one in the past, one time that was too big and did not feel good. My buddy commented “oh you had a BBC” and she said yah. Ugh I cringe writing it. Now, I know she had other bfs and was married once before. I can count 7 but I assume there are a few more, or in my mental state it could be so many more. I never dwelled on her past but now I am questioning the truth about what I know and playing small scenes I conjure up in my head about what I do know. That short quick comment she made fucked me up. I feel like crying, like something I cherished is not the same now. I read it could be retroactive jealousy but feel there is more to it than that. My chest feels tight I am stressed, not sleeping as well, feeling sad, PMO more (but not as happily), and trying to carry on like nothing is wrong. I was deeply depressed when I separated my wife and we have kids and now these feelings are a bit too similar and it scares me.
If you had told your buddy you had a girl that was tighter, or bad bigger tits - it's safe to assume she would feel self conscious too. Here's the solution - and this may sound nuts - talk to her. Say "when you said you slept with a guy that's bigger than me, it set off my jealousy, inadequacy and shame triggers and it's sent me spiraling questioning myself and your sexual history." Then talk about it. Girls have sex too. sometimes guys might be bigger than you, sometimes they might be smaller. Now you could go red pill and decide to hate women for having sex with people other than you, or you can understand that feelings are OK and she's choosing to be with you for a reason and this is an opportunity to have a frank conversation.
I feel your pain. Many times in my life I have had a girlfriend mention a former boyfriends and my head spun, my heart raced, my world seemed to crash down around me with jealousy. Jealousy is literally the fear of someone else getting (or taking away) what you want. And, of course, I can see how this specific reference can provide certain visuals which are really difficult to deal with while you are in such a sensitive and vulnerable state of recovery. My thoughts: It is not totally atypical for a woman in a relationship to say such things. We see it on TV all the time and have this idea that we're all supposed to be super secure and comfortable with talking about these things so we act accordingly. Yet, you are disturbed. Maybe there is something that you need to work on, something that makes you feel insecure. This could be an opportunity to seek out some part of you that needs to be healed. That said, please have some self compassion for yourself. I remember when I had just quit drinking and smoking and my newly ex-girlfriend told me how she was going to _________ and I just lost my shit and compulsively M'd. Honestly, it's not much different than a food addict putting down half a dozen donuts. Forgive yourself for these painful feelings and move on. Lastly, if this disturbs you so much, think about how it might affect your partner. I used to have this idea that healthy people talked freely about their exes and their sexual history. Now that I'm in my 40's and my girlfriend is 40, I really don't need to know. She's probably had more sexual experiences and partners than she can remember. We don't really talk about it and I don't talk about my exes. Both of us would rather focus on the present, and on our future together. You found your soulmate. You've been together for four years. She loves you and she's happy with what you're packing. That sounds fantastic! Be happy with that.
We did, I initiated it, it was a good talk. I wanted to put it to rest before it got worse between us and just deal with it myself. I just can’t get the scenes to stop playing in my head. Randomly flashing in and out. Curious questions I come up with. And of course PMO is an outlet.
It has always been this way and a point of pride. Idk why this was such a trigger. We have in the past gently mentioned our past partners and she has had more, me not that many and I was fine with it. This made me feel good, thx. I just need to hold on to that feeling and push out the demon ones but I know it needs time. I hope during that time I don’t get worse, say something stupid, and can’t fully rebound. The increased PMO and thoughts of wanting some kind of sexual vengeance for myself feels terrible.
