Mu wife has been having dreams of me confessing past wrongs. I have nothing to confess. I've been totally honest with her ever since I admitted to relapsing. Things have been going good. For us up until last week when we got back from vacation. I miss a SAA meeting while on vacation and ended up missing one because I had to work. So now She started to think I have started back looking at porn and trying to be sneaky and hid stuff. She won't talk to me now and I don't know what to do. I know what I wanted to do and that wouldn't be right if I did. I got to stay the course. I'm on day 47 of NoFap and dont want to look back.
HI @Cowboy72 - my advice is you stay the course and do what's right. Look at it this way: you spent some long time earning her DIStrust. You do well for a very short time (by comparison) and she begins to trust again (a pretty big emotional risk), and then you start doing things that pop red flags. Lets see "xx years of lies and bad behavior vs 6 weeks of good behavior, then some red flags.... hmm" it may seem so unfair that she "doesn't trust you" when all that happened for ok reasons. IMO fairness is the last thing we should ask for. so she's acting jerky - she feels unsafe - and with bloody good reason. give her the space and some reasons to trust you again. just do what you need to do to be clean. let her see your conviction AND YOUR ACTION - it may take some time. you and me are no place to complain if our wives aren't treating us well instantly, or even slowly.
Amen to what @phuck-porn! says. You see legitimate reasons to miss SAA meetings, she sees redflags. Knowing you were going to miss meetings on vacation what extra thing did you do to reassure both yourselves you were staying the course? Also what additional little acts of sensitivity can you show to help her feel more safe and reassured? Her behavior and attitudes are demanding it, are your senses able to pick up on that yet? If not work on that, abstaining isn't enough to repair. Great job on 47 days, I'm proud of you, she doesn't have to be. She wants normal and security. My wife never says good job, she always says things like "it will be interesting to see how you are in the next 47 days." She is right. We addicts can be so self-centered sometimes. Good luck, be kind, learn the subtleties, bless her, if she kept you, she's worth it.
Thank you @phuck-porn! and @Reverent. I really needed to hear that. We didn't talk yesterday and I didn't really know what to say because I was upset. But I want to talk and clear the air and let her know I'm not falling back into old habits.
Isn't she wise to distrust you? Im sure I can't even trust myself regardless of my intentions. Can you say that you can trust yourself that there will be no relapse? Have you never hidden anything for her? My advise is: love her and give her credit. And if you think she's right not to trust you (yet), tell her.
It can be tough to change habits particularly when your wife has trust issues. But, I try to focus on the fact that I can't solve her issues, but I have gotten involved with NoFap to solve my issues. Fix yourself and her issues may resolve
Enough said above (some wise words too!) but Id add one small thing - don't let her distrust weaken your resolve to be trustworthy! Our condition feeds on insecurities and if you want to head on up the 90 days and onwards (and jesus knows I'm trying...) then dont turn to the dark stuff just because you can. Reading between the lines it doesnt look like you will but , well, just dont...
@Semaphore there were 2 times yesterday that my mind went there and I was like why not she's already thinking that. But I didn't fall into that trap. I did other things like read my bible and some work around the house.
My advice... Don't just "stay the coarse" You should "make up the coarse". If you know/knew that you were going to miss meetings and even if they are perfectly legitimately reasons, it doesn't excuse the missed meetings. Make them up! Show her that your sobriety matters to you and to her. You don't just get to "skip steps" because you had "other things to do" ... No matter the reason. This is complacency. Example - If you miss a meeting because your wife has a baby, call into a extra one next week/week after. Like... No matter the reason... You don't compromise getting healthy. That's just like saying to your wife - you feel like you can comprise the relationship still. Words and actions need to line up... And to me, it doesn't sound like (to her) this is what is completely happening. Something fell somewhere. Sorry if that's blunt, but her dreams are a result of her feelings and she's probably having a hard time finding the words to express them. We (SOs) who are hurt... Usually do. Good luck. -Kenzi
I’m different , those that advised to “give her space “ first need to know if your SO appreciates the space . I do not .Space/silence in my marriage =guilt . Even if he doesn’t look at it that way . Space was when he was using , I was at arms length . Lean in while Maybe giving just enough space ? Ask her the question? Maybe show her your post ? Like others said above , don’t use THAT medication to make you feel better .
I completely agree with this, I’m the same way. I didn’t need space! I needed open honest vulnerable communication. Him being withdrawn, closed off and stonewalling is a huge red flag. I didn’t want to have to ask how he was doing I wanted him to voluntarily come to me with it. I needed to talk with him, to hear me, I needed forr him to understand and validate where I was coming from.
