Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I never really enjoyed it to be honest, it's been happening since I was 12 years old, as I "blossomed" early. (In NYC it's extremely common, especially catcalling). But during my late teens, my friends and I giggled about it ("look he thinks you're hot!").

Now, the more my husband did it, my own perspective on it began changing. I still notice it, but I no longer brush it off, it actually angers me.

This whole recovery process that I technically started with my husband has actually been a really big learning experience for me, too. Kind of crazy to be honest.

 

Nope and I don't think it ever will, unfortunately.

OMG SAME THING WITH ME!!!! either it was "Did you get a boob job?!" - because in HS I had enough spare change, that I could afford some plastic surgery lmao. Oh, this line was even better: "Damn girl! are those things real? can I touch them, to make sure?!!"

THIS gets to me now, so much. More then when I noticed a group of teens doing it (17-20 year olds) it's not right either way, but seeing the wedding ring really triggers me now. I immediately just think of my husband doing it, and what his victim (the woman being oogled) is thinking too.

Nope, sadly.

Funny, mine responds the same way to me too. They even find excuses for one another, crazy when you start to rationalize it.

 

Thanks, it does feel horrible and unfortunately, it's just the life us women are used to at this point. Doesn't make it right, but it's the sad truth.

Yes, born and raised in Manhattan.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with all of your points.

Yep, oogling, PMing and the chaos of a person they leave in their wake. I thought I signed up for a completely different man, sigh.

Same, ACTIONS are a true testament of change and recovery.

Thank you @ItsNeverTooLate. It is really difficult, the self-control it takes to deal with these issues in a civil manner, especially at times when I get triggered and want to lash out. I'm learning to better control my own thought process. YES! LOL we did, I think the game was my saving grace, it helped distract me; A LOT, every time I got triggered, I just looked back at my phone to catch that rare Pokemon lmao. I really appreciate your kind words, I try to ignore the ooglers as much as I can. I've grown a bit of an immunity to them, I guess nothing to be proud of, but it's a fact. But you're right, I shouldn't let them ruin my day, I have enough problems to deal with as it is. ♥️♥️♥️

 

DAY 56:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers...
• Verbalize my triggers/frustrations as they happen.
• Daily talk with my husband...

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Last night we spoke about the incident earlier in the day; where I was triggered big time and he was actually trying to control his oogling. He admitted he did have a few slip-ups, but he has been trying to look at everyone, from the shoulders up. He is coming to realize just how big of a problem he has. He told me how now that he is actually trying to avoid oogle, he can see how much he was doing it - without thinking twice about it before. So, he apologized to me, because he said "you only brought up a few of the obvious times, but I can only imagine how many times, you got triggered and just sucked it up. So I'm sorry".

He has been apologizing a lot lately, at first I thought he was just saying it because he felt it was the right thing to do - at the moment. Now, I'm beginning to actually feel/see/hear his remorse, when he says he is sorry. This has never happened before. I'm appreciative of the fact that MY TRUTH'S are finally being seen and understood by him, obviously, he will never really feel it the way I did/do, but I can tell that he is actually, really trying to understand my pain. I am really enjoying these new characteristics of his, empathy and compassion, it's a drastic change from the selfishness he was used to.

Today we had some time and went to see the new Tomb Raider movie and the movie itself was pretty good, the food was great too! but we had a few sweet moments added to the mix which made it all so much better. The handles could be picked up, so I spent a lot of the time in his arms. And I wanted to be there, it felt so good and peaceful.

As I mentioned before, our talks have been really soothing for us both, no matter the subject at hand. We are able to slice and dice through all of it, painful or not and remain level-headed throughout. Not to toot my own horn, but I have to credit myself in particular for this, as I have been really taking the time to learn/understand the PA's perspective more and more. It has helped me control my -heat fo the moment- emotions and instead of lashing out immediately, I am able to be more empathic to what he is saying about his addiction. Challenging myself to control my emotions really helps me navigate my anger into understanding, which makes our conversations less triggering and more healing for us both. I love the fact the right now, we can talk openly, without the fear of me lashing out and him shutting down.

You know, when I decided to help him on this journey, I never imagined that I would end up starting one too, for myself. One of my biggest challenges that I have had to face in recent weeks has been: allowing myself to be vulnerable (open with my feelings.) For me, life was just so much easier to get through, without extra conflict or drama. Just botted it up, then suck it up, put on a fake smile and move on. I use to think it was just better for everyone involved, to just ignore my pain, anger or any emotions really. I was only trying to protect myself, from the inevitable hurt that others could do to me if I gave them 100% of myself. So far, I've been as open as I can be with my husband, but I honestly think it is because he finally laid out ALL of his cards on the table. Once he showed me that he had nothing left to hit me with (figuratively!) - I felt I was ready to give him back, a few bricks he once gave me - to reinforce my wall.

Another challenge I am TRYING/FIGHTING to face head-on is my lifelong auto-pilot responses to my triggers, as well as thoughts/reactions to any given situation. I find myself often getting enraged (internally) at how I felt someone should have reacted, based on the fact of "this is what I would have done!" "how can they not see it the way that I do?!". I have to thank @phuck-porn! for this one, because I never really bothered to really THINK-think about how; after some more reflection, I have been projecting onto others, what I think THEY SHOULD have done because it's what I would have done if I were them. In a moment of clarity, just yesterday, I had to fight that instinct. As I was getting triggered at the mall, all I could think about (in-between what my husband was looking at) was "why isn't he sending me any messages?" "I know, he knows I am probably being triggered" until I finally decided to send him a message, to see how he was handling himself. Then, I thought long and hard throughout the day about - whether or NOT to tell him about that. My instinct was to NOT tell him because I wanted to see if he would, next time or at some point, figure it out for himself - that I would like for him to show me, he is being accountable; instead of me 'asking' him to be accountable. It's a BATTLE for me, to fight through that instinct -- but I actually did. I told him about it, now he says he will try and remember it for next time.

I know he is fighting his own "second nature" to LIE, but I am struggling too with a few "second nature" issues myself. So, this is what I mean by - I never thought, that by helping him with his recovery, I would be starting my own journey too. Crazy how these things work?

Now, off the battlefield and jumping into a war:

My current (biggest) internal conflict right now is how do I fucking figure out - how to get to a place (in my mind) where I can be confident with any decision I make, there is fear on both sides for me: whether I stay or if we get a divorce. I fear that IF I do decide to forgive him, he will take advantage of that and slowly become complacent again = back to the 'old him'... which would be triple the hurt/betrayal (100x PTSD again) after being so open with him OR do I just save myself the trouble and stick with the plan I set into motion back in January? you know just to move on and see if there is someone out there, that won't have a history of repeatedly hurting me, which is less a hell'a of a lot less risky (maybe). But then I look at him, how much we've accomplished just last 56 days and wonder, should I just say fuck it, take the risk, ride it out with him. Maybe we'll get to spend the rest of our lives reaping the reward of his recovery. Finally having him be THAT MAN, the one I thought I was marrying. Do I base my decision on his past history (PA and Full Disclosure) or should I base it on the recovery and progress I am seeing now, for the first time ever?

I am so baffled... I know what I am starting to feel is REAL. I am falling back in love with the man I am connecting with right now, to the point where I'm beginning to open up my wall again and I fear that I might just be giving him more ammo to shoot me with later - talk about a fucking dilemma, right?

I think I've narrowed it down... my biggest, personal obstacles on the possible road to forgiveness are going to be: challenging myself: my pride (following through on my decision; that took a decade to get to!) and rationalization/logic (recalling his past patterns/behavior, which often predict future ones).

After some thought about all that ^ I've come up with this:

• The porn stuff, I can work through.
• Him oogling, but trying to get better, I can work through.
• Him touching others/them touching him, maybe at some point, I can work through.
• Him LYING again, DENYING again, GASLIGHTING again - now that, I REFUSE to work through anymore, PERIOD.

Phew, holy shit, another long post. Sorry guys!!

 

DAY 57:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers...
• Verbalize my triggers/frustrations as they happen.
• Daily talk with my husband...

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Today we had a school function to attend for other older one. I knew this would be a trigger for me, a lot of moms there. I have to say, I am proud of my husband, the woman who I've noticed him oogling before (her ass), today she passed by and he just looked down at the program. I'm shocked/impressed. Both our girls were in their respective schools, so we decided to just have a lazy day. We had day sex, and OMG, we tried something new, and it was... umm so damn good... for me. we were so 'chill' that we lost track of time and almost forgot to pick up our youngest from daycare!

We spent a little more time talking throughout the day. Talking with him has just become so easy to do now, it was never like this before. I don't even recall a time, before January where we would just start a REAL conversation about anything. It was usually about a TV show, some small talk about kids, work or the weather.

All of these new, exciting, calming feelings are constantly rushing throughout my body and mind; they are exciting and intense at the same time. The prospect of this new guy, actually being for real?! like sticking around forever, really gets my heart racing... but then again, what if it doesn't last? what if it's a temporary band-aid and what if there is something else that he hasn't told me yet? I'm scared of falling in love with him all over again, but my feelings are too intense to suppress these days.

It may even be a mix of things now, him changing AND me changing too. After all, you can't really have one without the other in recovery/healing. If he began opening up and I lashed out or bottled up, he, in turn, would shut down. Instead, we are now both relying on each other to remain in control of our own instincts, fight them, so we can be true to each other.

No matter what conclusion my MIND comes to; in 1262 days - because if the decision were up to my heart... I can say right now what it would be because my heart is weak when it comes to him... I can at least come out of this chapter of my life, not in shambles but standing tall and being proud of what I have accomplished within myself, my personal battles.

 

DAY 58:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers...
• Verbalize my triggers/frustrations as they happen.
• Daily talk with my husband...

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Last night, after a pretty relaxing day - we had a few drinks and watched Pitch Perfect 3. I was buzzed and we talked when we went to bed... but during that talk, where he was engaged - he suddenly fell asleep (3rd day in a row) he promised me that if he was feeling sleepy that he would tell me and we'd stop. BUT instead, he triggered me, something that brought me right back to a time where he used to push me away, while awake. I wasn't in a good mood, to the point where I didn't want to hug him, I just stayed on my side of the bed and had a difficult time sleeping throughout the night.

We talked about it today, he seemed really frustrated with himself for "letting me down", but he was pleased that I was able to talk about it and not fester. To be honest, so am I. It really is quite a challenge for me, I am still not accustomed to verbalizing my frustrations - I have to fight this urge tooth and nail.

Overall, I felt all right the rest of the day. There have been a lot of posts on here, that got me paranoid that maybe, his full disclosure, wasn't in fact everything. He says that he has nothing else, he has told me everything... but I can not help my mind drifting into the "but, what if?"... He also talked to me about how he feels in regards to my future decision... whether to stay with him and keep fighting for us or go and find someone else to be with that does not have all this history of hurting me. I told him that he is really making it hard for me, because I've never seen him put forth so much effort, actually I have never seen him put in ANY effort before. I told him I am so confused, unsure of what to do because I am falling back in love with him; I can feel it in my core but at the same time I am scared as fuck that he will just end up hurting me again, and I don't know if my mind, body, and soul can take another hit if I take this risk/chance again. He told me, as much as it would hurt him, he would understand and couldn't blame me if I decided to leave. However, he then also said he is sorry for making it harder, but he does not want to make it easy either. He wants me to see he is changing for good and that he is NOW worth the risk. #WhatsAGirlToDo

Oh, and we did spend an hour or so just slowly making out and just caressing each other, that felt really good. For some reason, it just brings my anxiety down and makes my mind feel empty, in a good way.



Always Remember:

 

Thank you very much, I agree

It's okay, he's basing his opinions on his own experience and everyone hurts in their own way. I read, take things into account, appreciate any feedback - but at the end of the day, nothing will influence my decision, other than my husband's actions.

Thanks and I truly appreciate that, makes this whole situation a whole lot better as well. To know we are fighting, but we are not fighting alone.

Yes, I certainly am starting to believe