I am freaking out right now. Can anyone chat or do you have advice?

I'm sorry that you're going through this. To be honest, I don't have much advice here. Well I guess I can try to help. Get him to read some of these stories on nofap, about relationships and Marriages breaking up and stuff. And then say, me, or porn? I have to congratulate you. You still are there for him. If that were me I would have left him long ago. This tears me apart. That people have to suffer like this.
But hey, I guess I can help a little more. If your boyfriend has KIK, or can make a KIK account, I got a group of people going through the same thing. 34 people to be exact. We'll try to help him all we can. We'll be his APs. Or even if you want to join it, we aren't Significant others of porn addicts. But there are some of us that have girlfriends and wives. We can try and make you feel better. But it is a bit of a sausage fest. Up to you. Good luck. Sorry I can't help you.

 

Im glad. But be wary. School is tomorrow, I should be in bed right now. If hes gonna make an account right now, IDK how much longer Ill be online. But Ill be on after school. But I will give my all to you, him and anyone who needs it. It FUCKING BREAKS me to see relapses, and I cant take another one. So yeah, good luck.

 

I'm still new here. So I'm still just lurking around and reading stuff, and I'm not sure I could give proper advice.

It's just that, a couple of thoughts came into my mind after reading your post. About a couple of things I never realized before. But in the end, I can't really put it in words. So, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing about your situation, and hope things get better for you.

i think your partner's pretty lucky to have you around him, @desperatehousewife. Whatever happens in the future, I personally don't think your efforts will be in vain.

 

Hey there, I just wanted to skim through your other posts to give my educated opinion, but ended up reading all of them. I'm so sorry you still have to endure all this. As far as I can tell, your BF is still mostly in denial about his addiction. He may have compromised in regards to stopping porn, but he's far from ready to give it up completely and switched to P fantasies or other P-subs (e.g. the ogling of other women). He's making a half-hearted effort purely out of selfishness, because he wants to avoid the inconvenience of you throwing a tantrum.
Trust your gut feeling. My wife knew exactly when I was consuming porn secretly. And she could feel my honest effort after I joined NoFap. If you don't feel this honest effort, don't make the mistake of trusting him again. He hasn't reached rock bottom yet, otherwise he would be thankful for you drawing this line in the sand. You're not punishing him, you're trying to limit the damage he's inflicting on you.
My advice would be to stand your ground. I guess you already made your point clear to him, but don't allow him to silver-tongue you into making compromises. Take care of yourself, first and foremost, and be prepared to withdraw even further from him. If you manage to create rock bottom for him so he can realize what he has become, he will be thankful beyond comparison afterwards. If he doesn't wake up soon, it might be too late though.
Invite him to join this forum, or to at least inform himself on YBOP. Invite him to post a thread on here why his behavior isn't that bad and your actions are unfair, and enjoy your popcorn while we blow his puny arguments to smithereens. Wishing you all the best!

 

I had taken it down because I didn't know if it was encouraging enough. Sometimes a poster needs information and sometimes they just need encouragement. Sometimes explaining what addicts are thinking or feeling is not what the poster is looking for. I'll add it to the end of this post for the benefit of the community.

As I thought, there were pieces of information I was missing. An addict has to do more than simply abstain. An addict is in love with his addiction and it is very difficult to let go. If he were single then his goals would be different than if he were in a relationship. Not only does he have to heal himself but he also needs to mend this relationship. I'm glad you were able to agree on goals that will bring you more happiness.

Original post:
Everyone's recovery looks different. Timetables vary and progress can occur in fits and starts. A lot of progress occurs unseen. Usually, as long as there isn't a relapse then that's a good day. An addict has literal brain damage and it takes time to rewire the brain. Yes, some behavior needs to stop right away, but learning to act like a human being again takes time. That being said... I understand how slow progress can hurt. Lingering behavior still hurts. You are at the end of your rope and you just want this struggle to be over. You are questioning his commitment which causes you to question yours. Your SO might be making progress but the relationship might be stalled and that's disappointing. The best advice we can give is to not make any major decisions while your SO is going through a reboot. If he is relapsing, edging, cheating, minimizing, or failing to take his recovery seriously then that's a different story.

At 15 days your boyfriend is only halfway through the detox period. He still has powerful brain chemicals coursing through his system - he doesn't even have to look at anything for that to happen. The addiction is throwing EVERYTHING it can at him to get him to relapse. The addiction is trying to latch on to any little bit of stimulation. The brain wants to be in a high state of excitement. It takes time for the brain to reestablish balance. Any day an addict stays clean during the detox period is a good day! During the detox period anger, frustration, and tension is to be expected. Addicts can be VERY inwardly focused during this time and they SHOULD be... they need to constantly redirect their thoughts, recognize negative feelings, change undesirable habits, and mentally spar against the addiction. It is an exhausting process to be on guard every second of the day. I was angry for almost a month straight. But eventually that will change and an addict will start to become outwardly focused again because an addict needs to make connections to people in the real world again... but that is a step that is a little down the road. Yes, he should not be actively ogling women or intentionally feeding the addiction and he should not be putting himself in a position where he can be triggered.

My wife would often get upset with me because some parts of my recovery were taking longer than she expected. I had to explain that my healing is happening at it's own pace and that some things can't be sped up or conform to her expectations. And some of the things she insisted I do were not very practical. I had to find the right combination of strategies that would work for me. A sick person cannot make their cancer go away faster because someone else set an arbitrary timetable. Just because it went away in X amount of days for one person does not mean it will take the same amount of time in everyone. As long as the addict is going through the steps then the brain will rewire itself as time goes on.

By explaining these things I don't want to minimize your pain or appear to be taking his side. Maybe he's not doing everything, but what he is doing seems to be working. Going through this process together will test your commitment to one another. When we are in pain we want it to go away as quickly as possible. While he is dealing with his crap he is not actively helping you with your issues and that can make anyone miserable. Hopefully this is where the community can step in and validate what you are going through. And I think this is where the women's support group can step in and help with the torrent of feelings that go along with supporting their SO during recovery. Your support should be appreciated and valued. It takes a STRONG woman to go through this with her man. I hope we can help give you the strength you need to see this through to the end so that you can be happy and whole again.

 

Hey @desperatehousewife, how are you doing? Any news?

 

I'm so sorry you didn't pick up my advice of taking care of yourself first, but I'm in no way blaming you for it. This situation is horrible. I hope you pointed out the irony of him punishing you for turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism. Good job on standing your ground, though. I said it before, I'd say it again, take care of yourself first. Quit wine, cigs, whatever, but not to show him that you can do it, or to establish moral superiority (you have that already), do it for yourself instead. Don't let his addiction drag you down, don't get trapped in alcohol addiction, this would make this already dire situation even worse.
Make sure that you are relentless about your boundaries. They are not up for discussion before you see his honest effort. Don't get fooled by your wishful thinking or his lip services, you owe yourself that much.
Take care!

 

Don't be too hard on yourself for drinking too much. Obviously it shouldn't be your outlet, but I've done it myself and also been smoking on and off since everything happened in my relationship. Of course we know it's not healthy, but once in a while, we let our emotions take complete control over everything and just want to not care for a moment. It happens. You are strong and don't deserve to be treated badly for your actions, but should be embraced and cuddled when feeling this hurt about everything. He should be taking the consoling role, not the judgemental role. You don't deserve that. I'm sorry he can't do what you need to help and support you. We all support you here. Hugs

 

Good thing you cried. You're on the right track of healing yourself and your partner. As s person that overcame porn and alchohol addiction myself and study about addiction in my spare time I can relate to what you're feeling right now.

I don't think that the aggressive approach towards your BF is the way to help him. Telling him that you're going to leave him won't alleviate the pain and discomfort he has.

One approach that I may suggest is - have you ever talked with him about the time he discovered porn and masturbation? What happened in his life back then? Did he have any problems in his family? With his parents? In his school? What were the problems?

Very often - as you see in your own experience - we do our drugs and develop our addictions at times that we're stressed, lonely, angry and lack the connection that we so much need in life. When we feel pain we try to numb it with the addiction. And the path to salvation from addiction is not more alienation from the loved ones, but compassion and understanding of what's going on in their life - past and present.

You've obviously found someone to talk to, but if you or you bf need help I'm available for a skype call. Just PM me.

 

She is not taking an aggressive approach. She's setting boundaries to protect herself. If he gets clean, that wonderful. And perhaps they can continue their relationship, better than it was before. But she does have every right to set boundaries to protect herself.

 

I agree. She is setting boundaries. We have to protect ourselves. As an SO to the addict, we have zero control over what the addict does. We can only set boundaries and consequences and follow through if the addict doesn't commit.

 

Right. Apostol's assumption is that it's all about helping him or alleviating his pain and suffering. As the wife of a PMO addict who did stay through years of brain fog and very little communication or connection, and whose husband is now doing much, much better and 60 days through a hard mode reboot, I can say, we SOs do want to help and we do want to alleviate the addicts pain and suffering. But there does come a point where we have to set boundaries to help ourselves and alleviate our pain and suffering. And we have to find a way to heal, whether the addict does wake up, and start healing and changing, or even if he doesn't.

 

I agree of course. Everybody has to do what helps them survive

But the fact is this: Nobody wakes up and tells themselves "I want to be addicted to porn". It's something that the person does unconsciously as defense mechanism to alleviate the pain and to survive the harsh conditions that he's living in. Emotional, Physical, Mental. And then the addiction stays with him even when the harsh conditions disappear, cause the neural paths in the brain are already strong.

It's not like a man has a choice - "Stop or don't stop" and that's all there is to the story. It's not like he can control himself. When the trigger hits he most often can't control himself. And putting a ultimatum "Never do porn again or I leave you" puts even grater pressure on the person who already feels weak and miserable because the addiction is stronger than his will.

On the other hand - a compassionate approach - "It's ok if you relapse as long as we're doing progress" may be a better alternative. Not judging him and being there for him to communicate. Being there to even laugh of the fact that he relapsed. "Oh shit I did it again. But next time it'll be better" is far a better approach. And this makes a man feel like porn is not controlling his relationship and his life. Because - how can something that you make fun of have a grip on your life? And then the man develops confidence that it really is a puny little habit that he's capable of overcoming. Not this big hungry ghost (I can't post URL so search "In the realm of hungry ghosts" in google) that is ruining his life.

Also - I don't know if you did that with your husband, @fupornwife but - talking and understanding the past - When did the man start using porn? How did he feel at that time? That is essential to overcoming the addiction. Why is it essential?

Ok I'm getting a little deep with this explanation, but that's my experience and it worked 2 times with me - both for alcohol and for porn. The idea is that to be able to heal the neural paths, that are made very strong by using porn for years and years on a time, one must experience a catharsis - a state of the mind in which you feel the pain of your childhood trauma and release it. In your case - your husband has to experience that. In that state of mind you feel a very high level of compassion for your inner child(your past self). Compassion that he had to experience all the things that he had experienced that led him to watch porn to be able to cope with life. During that catharsis you cry your heart out. You release all the tears that you blocked in yourself for years and years. You hug your little self and comfort him and tell him that everything is going to be alright. You cry all the tears that he couldn't cry. You cry them for him. And then the urge to watch porn is released and gone. And how does that look like? You open a porn website and feel indifferent to the content. No willpower. No abstention. You just don't care what's going on there. And then you close the browser.

Of course how to get insight that state of mind is a very different game. I did it using a couple of techniques that I'm currently systematizing with a goal to try and reproduce this result in other people. I'm optimistic that if I did it - other people could do it too. If anybody reading this wants to try this out - PM me for more details.

Phew that was long, but it seems that I needed to get it out of my head. Does it make sense? Does it strike any of you as something that looks promising something that you would want to try out yourself?